NOT ONLY GAY

GAY GUYS IN THE POOL BETWEEN TENDERNESS AND SEXUALITY

2012-01-21T16:10:00.000+01:00

Hello Project

I opened by chance "gay project" and I started to read, it’s really amazing for me to find myself at ease here, nothing is too much or too little, there are just the lives of gay guis as they are. I never thought to write to someone to talk about myself so intimately but since there is the anonymity I opened a new email and I am determined. I thought of writing to ask for an opinion, or just to speak about my mind, on an issue that now is buzzing in my head a lot and that is the relationship between sex and affection, that is meaning of the sex when you fall in love with a boy .

I start from the beginning. I am 21 years old, studying at university, I never had a real social life, friends or anything like that, at school I played the play of others, I pretended to be straight, as I think it's almost mandatory to do so, I had my little falling in love with a mate, a straight guy, I've suffered at the beginning, then I accepted everything. At University you can find a lot of hot guys you like but it's like at school, all straight. We study and in practice we have nothing better to do, even during the breaks, when teachers change, I never go out of the classroom and spend my time re-ordering notes. At home, then fully comedy, I’m only child, shamelessly pampered by my mom and two aunts living at my home, not by my father who at least doesn’t asphyxiates me. At home I haven’t any gay book or gay film. I never speak about girls, this is obvious, but neither about guys, I can speak about my friends only for study and exams. Apparently no one is asking too many questions. I never heard at home the classic question: "Do you have a girlfriend?". In such an environment, guarded in practice on sight and without any kind of occasions, for me, sexuality has always been a problem. I cannot talk to anyone at any level and I have to be careful not to even be in front of my TV when they send some news about gays. They are not homophobic, just believe that gay people live on other planets and that "we, normal people, have nothing to do with those" exact words of my aunt. I discovered masturbation quite late, at 15, because since that time these topics have been regularly set aside as if total ignorance could prevent who knows what. I was so far away from sexual things that when I masturbated for the first time and I got a lot of ejaculation I was worried because I had not really understood what it was and thought there was something wrong and that the white stuff was perhaps due to the fact that I gave off too much and that I had broken something inside, maybe in the kidneys. And then I could not talk to anyone, I was really afraid of being hurt, that I measured the fever many times because I thought something would happen to me but nothing happened. At the time I could not even look at the internet because I did not have a computer of mine and search sex on my father’s computer would sound very strange to me. Then my parents are Catholic and, at least to a certain point, even I’m, and then we went to church on Sunday, mom and aunts were always doing the communion and I was doing as well. In practice at 15 I went to confess every Sunday that I masturbated, I promised myself to stop but then absolutely, I inevitably had to fall back, in practice it was the same story every week. I never told the priest that I was gay because that is not sin, at least I understood it. In essence, a depressing thing, a struggle with myself that was repeated every week. Then when I was 16 my parents gave me my first computer of my own and there I was the mother of invention, I have studied with great care as you put the password so no one could access my computer, I think my father would not have ever done such things for reasons of principle (and I respect him because he respects me) but my mother would put her hands there, and I'm sure she thinks it is the duty of a good mother to meddle in the affairs of the son, but finally, put the password, I could feel comfortable. I could lock myself in my room, but this would not have been tolerated, but I had my computer where no one could be in the way of my business. I rearranged the furniture in my room and put my desk looking toward the door, so no one could enter without me noticing him and I placed the location of my computer so I could have time to change the page if someone had walked into. Internet for me meant especially pornography. At first it was just an obsession, I could not wait, in the evening, to put myself in front of the computer even if I had to wait until all were gone to bed. At first it was really a frenetic hunt for free porn sites, but I was and I'm still very selective, porn, yes, but there must be something sweet, affectionate, otherwise I change. I took a huge collection of photos, not video, looking for my ideal physical model of boy and then I worked on trying to build my fantasy movie with a story of a boy, a kind of tender love story and also sex, all mixed together. All my sexuality was reduced to masturbation and these fantasies, but I liked a lot. I was not frustrated or thinking that I was really missing something, or at least I did not think so until recently.

And here begins the second part of the story. I'm pretty tall and very thin, and after a disturbing flue, the family doctor insisted that I could practice sports. At first I just didn't want to because I had never done such things, even as a child, then my parents insisted and I started to think that in fact it could also have a purpose in a sexual way, so I accepted, three times a week in a swimming pool close to my home (I go there on foot in 20 minutes). I go there in the afternoon at 18.00 in order to have a little free time to devote to other things. The first time I went there to register and pay the fee I was upset: a nice place, very clean and very well equipped, I was put at the beginners course and I did know the coach, a guy about 25/30 maximum, beautiful, with a beautiful smile and an athletic handshake. However it was a very short conversation. In the afternoon I bought swimsuit, bathrobe, towel and bag, I tried the swimsuit the less compromising and useful to defend more in case of erection and then I got just an erection paranoia: what if it happens to me? And I started going back and forth: I'll go or not go? And then I wondered if the showers had partitions and many other such things, however I decided to go swimming wearing my swimsuit under my trousers to overcome at least the first embarrassed, then, if necessary, I could get away 10 minutes before the others and go in the locker room when no one was there. I was very uncertain, however, my parents had paid money in order to let me practice sports and then I was expected to do so, in short, at 17.45 o'clock, the day after, I made my entrance into the pool, the coach was there, we shook hands with other boys. Guys more or less about my age where many, in all about a dozen on the 15 scheduled. The coach told us to sit on the benches poolside waiting "those" of the previous course to get out of the locker room, a course for girls, so you cannot get in the dressing room until they have finished, the coach told us in a mischievous smile very spontaneous, I could say typically straight, which led me to exclude him from the number of interesting guys. Meanwhile, I eyed three boys pretty good and in particular one of the three who had reacted in an embarrassed way to the coach’s speech. Then after minutes we entered the locker room I took a seat on the bench right next to that guy, I do not know if he realized he was embarrassed but he really was. I had already my swimsuit on and I was pretty quiet, but he put on the swimsuit there, but in a special way. He had a very long shirt (I think he had it chosen for that very reason), first he pulled out the edges of the shirt that practically covered the entire "x area" then he lowered his trousers pulling them from the bottom, without raising flaps of the shirt, then he pulled down pants with a very similar maneuver, and put on the swimsuit and to bring it up took it form over his shirt, in practice it all lasted no more than 10 seconds and, of course, I saw nothing, then he took off his shirt and I've saw him with only the swimsuit on. He was beautiful! A hundred times better than me! In the meantime I had taken off my trousers and shirt and I was in my swimsuit too. I searched his x zone and in practice I didn’t see anything, obviously he was so embarrassed that the situation gave him no sexual reaction, for me it was not exactly like that, but my swimsuit was pretty adequate and contained me fine, however I tried to distract me to lower that principle of erection. During the lesson there were other people, there was the coach and then I got distracted. However, the guy threw furtive glances to me every now and then, and sometimes I even caught him looking at me. In practice, I wondered what he would do at the end of the lesson, if I could see him naked and what should I do with showers. Then the time came. We went into the locker room and he repeated the same maneuver he had done when he put on the swimsuit, exactly on the contrary, in practice it dried his chest, put the "drop down" shirt and then took off the swimsuit, dried himself and put on his briefs, and always under the flap of the shirt, this time everything was very fast and I did not see anything. I put on the robe, dried and got dressed under my bathrobe, but I can say right in the most beautiful moment my bathrobe opened and I saw him throwing the eye over there, suddenly he turned away and apologized. A very unusual thing in a locker room of a swimming pool. I finished in a few seconds to get dressed, red-faced with embarrassment, but I did not want to lose contact with him, even if, instead of seeing him, he had been who had seen me. While he was putting things in the bag I thought to ask him why he apologized but probably it would create embarrassment so I just asked if it was the first time he was in the pool (stupid question), and from there we started talking a little, he was relieved that I had not given weight to the episode of the bathrobe. We went to the bar, had a drink then I asked if he had a car, he said no and I offered to accompany him home because, unusually for my habit of walking, I came by car. I took him home, rather distant, about 20 minutes by car, we spoke only of sport and training, when he left, he greeted me with a nice handshake, very determined. I'll call him Mark, but actually he has an unusual name that inspires me very gently. My parents at home noticed that I got good experience in the pool and they were happy. I know Mark has completely changed my life, not that apparent, of course, but the sexual life. In practice it is almost completely eclipsed the era of pornography and started the era of Mark. I'm in an immense tenderness and this is the point, it is a sexual tenderness, practically all of my sexuality is dedicated only to him and all my mental films have a single protagonist. I love him because it's a good guy, if possible even more clumsy than me, but I also want him sexually, and I'm not ashamed to say so. We were in the early days of embarrassing situations in which I felt guilty because I had not spoken to him so clear, for example, sometimes in the evening I called him on the phone, I told him that I could not say too much because my parents where at home and I did not have the privacy I wanted, but he called me a lot, usually half an hour and more and it was the same for me, and those calls have a strong erotic value even now, when I know he’s going to call me I go to bed and talk on the phone while masturbating under the covers. Of all this I feel a bit guilty, because he doesn’t know, but I would have liked him to do the same. Over time, the pool, things are a little changed, and we became real friends, I used to take him at home and get him back home three times a week and we talked about a lot of thing but never about things related to sex. In the locker room the embarrassment of the first time had slowly passed, he used no more his "drop down" shirt and changed by my side remaining naked for a second, just like I started to do, and he used to give me a look at that time, just as I did with him, it seams too little thing, but I looked at him and he pretended it was nothing. At the end between us it was a kind of sexual contact accepted. I had noticed that, as Americans would say, he is well endowed in that department and I cannot deny that when I think about that my blood is boiling. Then an event occurred that changed things completely. One evening, after I drove him home, we were talking a long time in the car and in practice we have declared each other. Before he made a long preamble that could mean only one thing, then I asked if I could hold his hand and he said yes, it was a close intense moment that never ended, I told him: "Do I embarrass you if I say that I’m sexually aroused?" He said: "It happens to me too." It had been more than five months since our first meeting. Embracing Mark, I can finally kiss him, touch him even intimately knowing that he's fine with that and see that there really is an experience sexuality in unison, with practically identical reactions, I see a guy who "wants" to stay with me, I think we are a couple and this probably will not collapse, such tings make me feel great. Now we've been together many months and my life changed. My sexuality belongs to Mark. Unfortunately we cannot live our feelings in the light of the sun, but there is nothing I would change on the world for the joy of being near him, because he's a sweet guy, a bit as I think I’m, but he is also much sensual. When we are intimate it seems to me to dream. Unfortunately we attend different studies and probably would have very different tasks, we live our history in secret, and can meet once a week and spend together Saturday afternoon and Sunday in a small house outside of town in the Apennines, the last few months it was bitterly cold and stay embraced under the covers was just something very tender. It's great to live together sex and tenderness. Sometimes I'm afraid it's only a dream and that it could end at any moment, when he’s out traveling by car I make him send me a text message every time he arrives at destination, and I do the same with him. We must save our happiness. That's why I wanted to tell the boys of gay project that sex and tenderness are one thing, and happiness is possible! So brave! An affectionate greeting to you, Project, who put on this project. Of course you can publish my mail. A hug to all my dear.

Michael

GAY PROJECT INTERVIEWS MULTILINGUAL

2011-10-06T23:54:00.000+02:00

After a jobfar from negligible, I finally managed to network the GAY PROJECT INTERVIEWS ina multilingual version.

http://progettogaysito.altervista.org/newint/index.php

You can nowbrowse the full site and read the cards on the basis of the order number andyou can do it in all languages, but you can also compile the test in your ownlanguage (even other than Italian). What is crucial is that, in any languagethey are written, the cards will appear in the language chosen by the reader.For example, if a user fill out the questionnaire in American English, aSpanish customer will read it directly translated into Spanish. It is possibleto access the interview search table, presented in the customers language. Now allcards are in Italian, the words (or parts of words) to be inserted in thefields to be searched must be in Italian, but if there are many cards inEnglish or in Spanish you could also include in the table search words or partsof words in those languages, but in this case the search would be limited toonly English or only Spanish. In this way the online site of the interviews istruly and completely international. Limitations exist only for the inclusion(not for reading) of interviews in languages that do not use the Latinalphabet, this is because the encoding of the DB is unique and is based on theLatin alphabet.

Thank you in advance.

ONLINE INTERVIEWS ON GAY SEXUALITY AND SEXUAL ORIENTATION

2011-09-30T18:37:00.000+02:00

SEXUAL ORIENTATION TEST- ONLINE INTERVIEWS ON GAY SEXUALITY - STATISTICS ON GAY SEXUALITY

On this page of "Project Gay"

http://progettogaysito.altervista.org/newint/index.php

you can find three distinct services:

1) The "Interviews online on gay sexuality," structured around 30 questions to which the user can respond in a totally anonymous answers of any length. In order to avoid advertising and spam, the inclusion in the interviews archive available to the public shall be subject to moderation by Gay Project. To avoid duplication of items, the "send" function is disabled for a period of time after the first shipment. The entire site is accessible and operational in many languages, users can read the interviews available in the archive directly in their language, can fill in the questionnaire that will be proposed to them in their language (the only limitation being that it is a language that uses the Latin alphabet as English, French, Spanish, Portuguese, etc..). The search functions are designed to search a data base of cards in Italian and then the research, to involve most of the cards must be based on Italian words or parts of Italian words. If you enter words or parts of words in English, for example, the search would be limited only to fill out cards in English.

2) The "Sexual orientation test online," articulated around 67 choice-questions. The test is completely anonymous. The card, once sent, is immediately inserted in the archive accessible to the public. Again, to avoid duplication of items, the send function is disabled for a period of time after the first shipment. After sending the form, the system processes a personalized answer and presents it in a special page which contains an analysis of the answers given by the user, conduct on the basis of Gay Project experience. The modules containing the answers to the tests are stored and form the basis of the statistical system of Gay Project. Anyone can complete the test, read the custom tab and read the other response cards in the archive in their own language and can also use the search function and read the results in their own language. Currently the system is still under construction and personalized responses are limited to the analysis of sexual orientation only. Gay Project will improve personalized answers gradually widening the analysis to other aspects of the test. The analysis of individual tests will also be accessible only on the basis of the number of the card, allowing users to repeat the test at a later time.

3) The "Gay Project statistics", to allow analysis of the sexual orientation test archive. Statistics can be constructed on the basis of specific requests sent directly online to the system by the user. Obviously, the statistical analysis require a large data base adequately to have a concrete meaning. Statistics can be read in the language chosen by the user.

GAY PROJECT INTERNATIONAL

2011-09-28T13:33:00.000+02:00

GAY PROJECT INTERNATIONAL

Read and browse Gay Project sites in youR language

GAY PROJECT SITES IN YOUR LANGUAGE
GAY PROJECT FORUM
GAY PROJECT BLOG
GAY STORIES BLOG
GAY STORIES AND MORE
GAY PROJECT SITE	When you open the home page on the right below you can find the “translate” button to translate pages in a lot of languages.
GAY PROJECT CHAT	Mibbit device allows you to use the online translator to read and write directly in your own language.

If your language is not among those specifically listed above, no fear, click on the link to English and then, in the upper part of the page, choose the language in which you want to read the site.

READ GAY PROJECT FORUM IN YOUR OWN LANGUAGE

2011-09-26T21:31:00.001+02:00

GAY PROJECT FORUM IN YOUR OWN LA

GAY PROJECT FORUM

IN YOUR OWN LANGUAGE

Dear friends of Gay Project who reside outside of Italy, Gay Project gives you a new and exciting opportunity, you can now directly read the Gay Project Forum in you own language. Pages will appear automatically translated into your language. In practice it is as if the Forum was fully written in your language.

Allowed Languages: Arabic, Bulgarian, Catalan, Czech, simplified Chinese, traditional Conese, Korean, Danish, Hebrew, Estonian, Finnish, French, Japanese, Greek, Haitian, Hindi, Indonesian, English, Italian, Latvian, Lithuanian, Norwegian, Dutch, Polish, Portuguese, Romanian, Russian, Slovak, Slovenian, Spanish, Swedish, Thai, German, Turkish, Ukrainian, Hungarian, Vietnamese.

If your language is not included among those linked explicitly below, no fear, click on the link to the Forum in English and then, in the upper part of the page, choose the language in which you want to read the forum.

Dear friends of Gay Project who reside outside of Italy, Gay Project gives you a new and exciting opportunity, you can now directly read the Gay Project Forum in English. Pages will appear automatically translated into English. In practice it is as if the Forum was fully written in English.

Chers amis de Projet Gay qui résidez au dehors de l'Italie, le Projet Gay vous offre une nouvelle et passionnante possibilité, vous pouvez maintenant lire directement le Forum Projet Gay en Français, faisant défiler les pages qui vont apparaître automatiquement traduites en Français. Dans la pratique, c'est comme si le Forum avait été entièrement écrit en Français.

Queridos amigos de Proyecto Gay que residen fuera de Italia, el Proyecto Gay ofrece una oportunidad nueva y excitante, ahora se puede leer directamente el foro del proyecto Gay en Español desplazándose a través de las páginas que aparecerá automáticamente traducido en Español. En la práctica es como si el foro fue escrito totalmente en Español.

Liebe Freunde der Gay Projekt, wenn Sie nicht wissen Italienisch, Gay Projekt bietet eine neue Chance und spannend, können Sie jetzt direkt lesen Sie die Gay Projekt Forum in Deutsch. Die Seiten werden automatisch ins Deutsch übersetzt. In der Praxis ist es, als ob das Forum wurde komplett in Deutsch verfasst.

Queridos Amigos do Projeto Gay que residem fora da Itália, o Projeto Gay oferece novas e excitantes oportunidades, agora você pode ler diretamente o Fórum Projeto Gay em Português percorrendo as páginas que aparecerão automaticamente traduzido em Português. Na prática, é como se o Fórum foi totalmente escrito em Português.

Cari amici di Progetto Gay, è ora possibile leggere l'intero Forum di Progetto Gay in moltissime lingue. Ciascuno potrà navigare tranquillamente tra le pagine che appariranno tutte direttamente nella lingua da lui scelta. In pratica, per l'utente straniero è come se il forum fosse stato scritto tutto nella sua lingua.

ONLINE INTERVIEWS ABOUT GAY SEXUALITY

2011-05-07T17:56:00.002+02:00

Dear friends of Gay Project,

we started two years ago an interview online service about gay sexuality and about problems that gay people must face. The service started only in Italian but it wasn’t a really interactive service. Now the online interviews about gay sexuality have been newly structured on a different and very interactive basis.

We start today the online interviews system about gay sexuality in English.

http://progettogaysito.altervista.org/newint/

The Gay Project "Interviews" constitute a unique source of knowledge about the real lives of gay and gay-especially not publicly declared. After two years they have been collected approximately 100 interviews online, Gay project will not only publish these interviews in a readily accessible but also enable the easy way a research topic of the interviews published. For this reason this page was created specialized that lets you:

participate in online interviews, filling out and submitting the form in conditions of complete anonymity,

read the interview published by simply inserting the card number that will be read,

perform searches based on key words in each of the fields which make up the interview form.

The interview consists of 30 open-ended questions to which they may respond by writing a text of unlimited length. Because the form is loaded you must answer all questions. To respond seriously to the questions of the interview should be a time of between 45 and 60 minutes.

To prevent misuse of the site, enter interviews will be published only after being seen by a moderator.

We reproduce below the first online interview on gay sexuality, dating back to 11 / 04/2009.

1) My age
27 years old but I do not think

2) My sexual orientation and its evolution
Until a year ago I felt 100% straight, I never even had sex with girls and I have never been in love with a girl

3) When and how I knew to be gay
I understand being gay only to 26 years, when I'm in love with a friend of mine

4) When and how I agreed to be gay
At first I did not accept at all the idea of being gay, especially in sex, and the boy walked away, but then I was missing too and I could not stay away from him

5) The difficulties I encountered in the acceptance of my gay identity
Having been in circulation always straight, at first, falling in love with a boy it seemed something unnatural

6) The hardships that I faced and I face as gay
Until now, the only difficult situations are derived from the fact that I thought my boyfriend was straight and he believed me, but have only been problems between us

7) Who knows about me
Only my boyfriend knows me, no other

8) The relationship with my parents
The relationship with my parents is good, but their gay side of me they know nothing

9) My relationship with my friends
In practice, they began to work in another city, I lost friends that I had, but know nothing about me, when I thought these guys straight, now, seeing as gay do not know how they would react

10) Where are my knowledge of reality gay
My knowledge of the gay world are especially Draft Gay seems to me that something very serious

11) My relationship with my nakedness and others
Until about two years ago I had absolutely no problems with my nakedness and that of others, doing sport and these things I was used to no effect and I did because I felt those things straight and had no sexual significance for me. Today I think I would feel embarrassed

12) My relationship with masturbation
First, until two years ago, all my fantasies were for girls, masturbation was not exciting but when I started thinking about my boyfriend to do things to change. Now we do a little 'about sex between us, that is sexual cuddles but when we are alone, masturbation remains a fundamental thing for him and for me, of course we think each other

13) My relationship with pornography
Heterosexual pornography was left totally disgusted and in practice even by the gay, with few exceptions, I like a more realistic story with a little 'about sex that a film centered around sex

14) My relationship with the sites and meetings with the erotic chats
I have never attended neither one nor the other, and I've never had even the slightest curiosity

15) As I have tried to create my own emotions / sexuality
Before I met my boyfriend when I was straight, even thought to be asexual and have never tried to accomplish anything, then, with my boyfriend, he came all by itself and in practice did not have to look for anything

16) My relationship with the girls
I first sexual fantasies about girls, but I think I knew who did it all, now I have nothing against girls but I have no friends, but for the truth even friends

17) My relationship with the kids straight
No particular problem, but I currently have straight friends, old ones do not see them most and where I work now I did not make new friends

18) My relationship with gay guys
I do not know gay guys except my boyfriend

19) What strikes me most in a boy
The smile, willingness to talk to me and shows me the respect that

20) My previous love life
A hetero-only fantasy love life

21) My current emotional situation
In practice, living with my boyfriend but no one knows

22) My emotional satisfaction
I feel as happy as I had never been in my life

23) My degree is sexual satisfaction
Sex with us because we go up some resistance, are especially pampered, but I would say that the satisfaction that I try to be embraced by him is total

24) The weight of the sex in my emotional world
Well, I'd be hypocritical to say that does not count but in practice is a way to have no secrets from each other at any level. We are going step by step, but even so it is a very important thing

25) What I want from my boy
The total loyalty, I always say what they think, without hesitation, but he does it spontaneously

26) What do you think I can give to my boyfriend
I try to be honest with him 100%, I would not do a thing for another because I love him too well

27) My wishes in relation to my love life / sexual
I just wish things never change and that my boy was always in love with me

28) My frustration in relation to my love life / sexual
At the moment I do not feel any sense of frustration, I felt when I thought he was straight and were difficult moments, but not now

29) What I would like to know about the love life / sex other gay guys
I'd like to read this questionnaire written by other boys

30) How much I feel informed about risky sexual behavior
Not much really, but neither I nor my boyfriend have never had sex with other people

SEXUALLY SELF-REPRESSED GAY GUYS

2010-11-18T01:02:00.000+01:00

This post is to point out the mechanism of self-repression of homosexuality.

Sexual orientation is not a choice but a matter of fact, this is not the place to ask what caused it, what concerns us here is that sexual orientation has nothing to do with the personal choices, you are straight, gay or bisexual or you are not but certainly you don’t choose to be or not to be.

In dealing with issues related to sexual orientation a guy starts from unconsciousness to reach consciousness of being gay, and then comes the acceptance of being gay, if there are not external disturbing factors the transition is gradual and not traumatic and can be done with a time pattern extremely variable. There are guys that at 14 have fully accepted their homosexuality, and there are adult men who are unable to accept it even over 50 and we will soon see why.

Factors that may affect the process towards the awareness and acceptance are many and vary widely depending on age and individual condition, all of them slow down or prevent the acceptance of homosexuality and are factors of spontaneous repression of sexuality.

Before puberty it is improper to speak of homosexuality, the term has a specific meaning only after puberty when a boy begins to experience physical sexuality and discovers masturbation. This is where come the first forms of repression of sexuality, both heterosexual and gay, based on feelings of guilt related to masturbation. These are the years in which a boy considers masturbation something very private and forbidden and tries to find out spaces that allow privacy needed for a sexual exploration not put at risk by disturbing elements. The moralistic religious awareness and education, which sees sexuality as something abnormal, can repress sexuality in the bud and tie it firmly to guilt. These mechanisms apply to all boys, straight and gay, but while around 11/13 for heterosexual boys peer group tends to present heterosexual sexuality, and in particular hetero masturbation as a transgression that somehow you need to afford in order to become a man, and this relieves the repressive capacity of faith-based or family-based mechanisms and strengths the sense of belonging to the group, based on having the same sexuality of the other boys, for gay boys peer group acts in the opposite direction because gay sexuality is heavily branded with epithets of various kinds. A gay guy does not identify himself in sexual experiences of his comrades and realizes easily that while they can talk and boast about their experiences in order to be considered adults, this possibility for him is ruled out. These are the terrible years of high school, probably the most unpleasant for a gay guy who has to realize that his sexuality is not only different from that of other guys but is considered degrading and dirty. This fact often doesn’t lead to radical forms of repression of gay sexuality of younger men, but only to repression of its visible manifestations. At 14, a boy, however, does not court explicitly another boy because it affects social reactions, but usually gay masturbation sexuality is not at all conditioned by social attitudes. I should note that in most cases not even religious repression can produce feelings of guilt in younger guys about their being gay. The kids who go to church, confess that they had masturbated, not that they had masturbated with gay fantasies, that means they feel guilty the act and not the fantasy that determines it. Many kids are spontaneously so far from considering homosexuality a sin in itself that when they realize that the church condemns homosexuality, they are strongly perplexed. Basically I mean that homosexuality discovered through masturbation after puberty is influenced by constraints that hamper its external manifestations but still cannot blame it in the eyes of younger guys.

So far we dealt with children who have lived their childhood and their pre-adolescence smoothly and without any lack of affection. The speech is certainly more complicated when children grow up in stressful situations or are subjected to traumas (watching scenes of violence, suffering physical violence from family members, be unwittingly involved in sexual activities by adults). About these situations, and about children who show significant forms of anxiety or markedly depressive tone already in adolescence or about those with disorders characterized by recurrent ideas from which it does not seem possible to be free, we should broaden the discussion a lot. The period from 11 to 14 is really delicate, boys put the bases of emotional and psychological aspects of sexuality and this must happen in a calm atmosphere, free of tension and examples of family affective relations can be reference points.

But leaving aside these much more complex situations, we have to ask why the mechanisms of self-repression of gay sexuality acts more heavily on older boys and adults than on younger boys. To answer this question we must keep in mind that young boy's sexuality should be structured and built without the need to demolish anything, an older boy and an adult, who already have a structured sexuality, freeing the development of its gay sexuality, may require a process of destruction of their previous sexual identity, that means of the previous consciousness of a different sexual identity. In other words, an older boy or an adult to accept his gay sexual identity has to demolish the concept of himself as a heterosexual and has to be able to replace it with a different sense of himself as gay and all that meets considerable resistances.

Generally gay guys who have felt gay from the beginning don’t experiment stronger forms of self-repression of homosexuality, on the contrary those who have formed a consciousness of themselves as heterosexuals and are in the position of having to undermine much of the structure of their personality are usually strongly self-repressed. In essence, the real mechanisms involved in suppression of homosexuality are something that aims to protect a sexuality already structured in another way. The question that arises is, however, why a gay guy can end up structuring an hetero sexuality, that is having an image of himself as a hetero? Here the mechanism is not repressive and stems essentially from a series of errors of interpretation in which the guy falls or is induced to fall for the fact that we are immersed in a society that emphasizes heterosexual signals and neglects all those gay .

Let me give an example, considering only two symmetric situations, the first a boy who considers himself like a gay and nevertheless feels straight sexual feelings, the second a guy who considers himself heterosexual and fells sexual gay feelings. We will see that if there can be misinterpretation in both cases, the sexual repression works only in the second case, that is for the guy who has considered himself heterosexual and feels sexual gay feelings.

A gay guy, that is, a guy who has a gay masturbation, which is in a sexual situation involving a girl, goes to the erection, can experiment sexual desire for that girl, may even get to have sex with her, even engaging sex. Based on the model of interpretation related to the sexual "behavior" all that leads to the deduction: "I can have sex with a girl in a pleasant way, so I'm straight!" This reasoning is comforting because, inter alia, shall release the boy from complications of being gay and is reassuring in terms of social acceptance. Underestimating gay masturbation sexuality in favor of heterosexual couple sex in order to identify sexual orientation does not operate any form of repression.

If we consider a guy who has always felt straight, that is, with masturbation and with a couple sexuality consistently straight, and hypothesize that this guy starts to feel sexually attracted to another guy, to the point of masturbating thinking about that guy or even have sex with him, we'll “not” automatically deduct: "I'm sexually attracted to a guy, so I'm gay!" because in this case the deduction would be destabilizing, and to accept it the guy should deconstruct the vision of himself as a heterosexual to replace it with a vision of himself as gay. These are the typical situations in which triggers the repression of gay sexuality. The guy who thinks he's hetero stops to meet the guy who awakes his sexual responses because this way the risk of destabilizing his own sexuality decreases, but usually this is not enough, he even forcibly stops masturbating because his masturbation would be gay, something that undermines his sexual straight identity.

I want to emphasize a key element: repression of gay sexuality has two complementary aspects: the first is expressed in avoiding every occasion of gay sexual arousal and the second manifests itself in a heightened level of heterosexual couple activity, the latter mechanism leads often to neurotic reactions because it is not desired for reasons of sexual affection but related mechanisms for confirmation of sexual identity. In some cases, the repression of sexuality leads to irrevocable decisions as gay marriage, which is considered in these cases like a medicine of homosexuality, it makes no sense under any point of view. Homosexuality, however repressed, ends up sooner or later to return to the surface.

I add another important thing. To push forcefully toward heterosexuality gay guys who repress their homosexuality in favor of a possible couple relationship and of a heterosexual marriage are often girls who do not have the foggiest idea of what homosexuality really is and who feel ready to lead, or trying to encourage their guys to exclusive heterosexuality on the basis of women seductive arts. These things, at first, seem also to be successful because the elimination of gay sexuality is compensated by a more intense and hetero sexuality and heterosexuality is more socially accepted and encouraged and gives the feeling of being really straight. But by far the mechanism is worn and often the same girls who have encouraged their gay guys to the marriage find themselves in positions of stark contrast with their husbands they can not in any way accept like homosexuals. A heterosexual woman marries a man because she thinks that he isn’t gay or at least that is no more gay, because she identifies the guy's sexual orientation with sexual behavior she can see and not with the sexual desires that she cannot see, when she discovers that her husband is actually gay and that in a marital situation he feels uncomfortable she gets angry with her husband and considers him like a marriage traitor, but really, if the guy said how things were before marriage and the girl came to her decision to marry the same, often family members and personages of various kinds are involved, they not knowing anything about homosexuality are as trusted advisors in such a sensitive area.

A final consideration. From the repression of homosexuality tied to the mechanisms we have described above it’s possible to exit only if the environment is favorable and if a gay man has the courage to say the truth, what can never be taken for granted. There are people who prefer to repress or perhaps don’t have in fact any choice. In any case you cannot replace a repressed gay and try to get him out of his sexual repression on the basis of your way of seeing things. Get out of self-imposed sexual repression is not easy. And you can’t take for sure that it could have always a positive result without the required conditions.

__________

If you want, you can participate in the discussion of this post opened on Gay Project Forum:

http://progettogayforum.altervista.org/viewtopic.php?f=11&t=1000&start=0

EXPLORE GAY SEXUALITY AT THE AGE OF 25

2010-11-04T17:00:00.001+01:00

Hallo Project,

I’m a 25 y. o. guy. I came to U.S. few months ago in order to reach my goal and get specialized in high energy physics. I came from Eastern Europe and I was used to speak English during my university training. I think my English could sound very strange to native English speakers. I’m sorry, I don’t speak Italian al all. I got in touch with Gay Project only reading the English blog “Not only gay”. I got there by chance searching for “Maurice” the novel by Forster on Google. At that time I was searching for novels to read in English in order to improve my reading and my vocabulary. Well, that’s why I got in touch with your blog. Clearly I like better improve my English reading gay novels because I’m gay. On “Not only gay” I got your novel “Only seven days”, something that troubled me deeply. In my home country I had an excellent education at all but I missed the very essential thing. Basically I was forced to deal alone with my homosexuality, because I've never had anyone to talk seriously about these things. Up to 24 y. o., I simply removed the problem and I pretended that there wasn’t any problem. I was always studying, I had to think of anything else and so I walked away from the idea of being gay, or rather I was trying to convince myself more and more to be straight. In my country I had a girlfriend and I told her again and again that we could not get married because I would have gone abroad to study and she would not have been able to follow.

I now begin to understand that in fact my desire to go to study abroad was largely due to the idea to get away from her. She is a girl that I admire but I don’t love. I think if I get the chance, I'll stay to live in the U.S.. For the moment I still have much to study and study hard. But I'm starting to open my eyes about myself and about life that I have done until now. I do not like pornography, I'd really like to talk about homosexuality in a serious way. As I told you I do not speak Italian but I tried to read the English translation of your posts through Google translator, it’s not the best but at least I could follow your arguments.AscoltaTrascrizione fonetica

Well, now you understand how I came up with "gay project”. I have many things to ask, but first I must tell you a little about me. Basically my sexuality was just straight up to 23. I tell you “basically”, because I had a girl and had normal sexual intercourse with her but also, despite everything, I was still attracted to guys, I did not want to accept it, but it was so. I have come to deny even the most obvious things, even my sexual desire, I have completely removed the masturbation because my fantasies ran toward the boys and I could not accept such a thing. I was taught that sex was a bad thing, dirty, ugly, and I could not think otherwise. I read that many guys have lived similar things and I found myself in some of your posts.

Now I'm slowly discovering my sexuality but everything remains at the level of masturbation, I do not think in any case I could have sexual intercourse with a boy, it's as if his physical contact disgusts me. And then there's the other big problem, I have never been in love with a guy, with the girls I am comfortable with the guys I feel deeply uncomfortable and I cannot see a boy as a love object but only as an object of sexual interest. I do not know if this situation may change over time, but now I'm 25 and I fear that things will not change. I have few friends here in the U.S., I have colleagues who are very serious people, but they are all straight, or so it seems, and I don’t think I could talk freely with them of my things. What can I expect from the future? just study and never affective and sexual life? Now I'm working hard to specialize and to find work as soon as possible but I also want to start living my life from other points of view. I see that others live their lives peacefully, but I think I have only to study because I cannot live things I still dream. When I go to bed I dream of hugging a guy, a guy who was my boyfriend, but I have no boyfriend and dreams remain dreams. I don’t want to start looking for a guy here, don’t even know the language well and outside the university I still feel like a foreigner.

I think you understood my problem well enough, if you can, answer me in private. If you want, publish this email as well, but if you can, try to answer me by mail.

A hug.

B. K.

___________

If you like, you can comment this post in the Gay Project Forum:

http://progettogayforum.altervista.org/viewtopic.php?f=11&t=975&start=0

GAY PROJECT INTERNATIONAL CHAT

2010-11-01T23:39:00.003+01:00

GAY PROJECT INTERNATIONAL CHAT

Hi, my nickname is project, on August 2007 I started “Gay Project” in Italian “Progetto Gay”, something I can’t even define, community without association, organization without staff and structure, or simply a variable group of friends, in fact around some web sites (forum, chat and blog) there is now a little community of gay people. Nothing to do with sex chats or dating sites, only guys that meet on the chat and write posts to the forum. Now our irc chat service has been internationalized and everyone can join the chat from everywhere in the world. We are Italian guys and we usually chat in Italian but we can also speak English of French if necessary and Spanish in very similar to Italian in the vocabulary and also in the grammar. No problem if you write in your own language because the chat provides online translation from Italian into your language and vice versa. On our pages with links to the chat you can find the clock with Rome time. You can find people on the chat in the afternoon e in the night till two after midnight, Rome time. We’d like to enjoy chatting with friends from over the world and if you are also interested in learning spoken Italian you have a good chance to improve your Italian chatting with Italian gay friends. We’re waiting for you! See you soon on Gay Project Chat!

__________________

CHAT INTERNACIONAL DE PROYECTO GAY

Hola, mi apodo es project, en agosto de 2007 empecé a "Proyecto Gay" en italiano "Progetto Gay", algo que ni siquiera puede definir, comunidad sin asociación, organización sin personal y estructura, o simplemente un grupo variable de amigos, de hecho en torno a algunos sitios web (foro, chat y blog) ahora hay una pequeña comunidad de personas homosexuales. Nada que ver con sitios web y chat erótico. Ahora nuestro servicio de chat IRC se ha internacionalizado y todo el mundo puede unirse a la conversación de todas partes del mundo. Somos chicos italianos y utilizamos la lengua italiana para el chat, pero también se puede hablar Inglés o Francés en caso necesario y español muy similar al italiano en el vocabulario y la gramática. No hay problema si usted escribe en su propio idioma, porque el chat ofrece servicios de traducción en línea del italiano en su idioma y viceversa. En nuestras páginas con enlaces a los chat se puede encontrar el reloj con el tiempo de Roma. Usted puede encontrar a gente en el chat en el correo por la tarde en la noche hasta las dos después de la medianoche, hora de Roma. Nos gustaría disfrutar charlando con amigos de todo el mundo y si también están interesados en aprender italiano hablado usted tiene una buena oportunidad para mejorar su italiano en el chat con amigos gays italianos. Esperamos verte pronto en el chat! Nos vemos pronto en el Chat Proyecto Gay!

________________

CHAT INTERNATIONAL DE PROJET GAY

Salut, mon pseudo est projet, en août 2007, j'ai commencé "Gay Projet" en italien "Progetto Gay", quelque chose que je ne peux même pas définir, communauté sans association, organisation sans personnel et structure, ou tout simplement un groupe variable de copains, en fait autour de certains sites web (forum, chat et le blog) il y à maintenant une petite communauté des personnes gaies. Rien à voir avec les chats de sexe ou les sites de rencontre, les gars répondent seulement aux messages dans le chat et dans le forum. Maintenant, notre service de chat IRC a été internationalisé et tout le monde peut rejoindre le chat de partout dans le monde. Nous sommes gars italien et nous avons l'habitude de chatter en italien, mais nous pouvons aussi parler anglais ou français s’il est nécessaire et aussi espagnol, très semblable à l'italien dans le vocabulaire et la grammaire. Pas de problème si vous écrivez dans votre propre langue parce que le chat en ligne permet de traduire de l'italien dans votre langue et vice versa. Sur nos pages avec des liens vers le chat, vous pouvez trouver l'horloge avec le temps de Rome. Vous pouvez trouver des gens sur le chat dans l’après-midi et dans la nuit jusqu'à deux heures après minuit, heure de Rome. Nous aimerions profiter de bavarder avec des amis de partout dans le monde et si vous êtes également intéressés à apprendre la langue italienne parlée vous avez une bonne chance d'améliorer votre italien en bavardant avec des amis gay italiens. Nous vous attendons! A bientôt sur le Chat de Projet Gay!

______________________

CHAT INTERNAZIONALE DI PROGETTO GAY

Ciao, il mio nickname è il project, nell’agosto 2007 ho dato avvio a "Progetto Gay", qualcosa che non riesco nemmeno a definire, comunità senza associazione, organizzazione senza personale e struttura, o semplicemente un gruppo di amici variabile, infatti intorno ad alcuni siti web (forum, chat e blog) ora esiste una piccola comunità di persone gay. Niente a che vedere con le chat o i siti di incontri, solo ragazzi che si incontrano in chat e scrivono sul forum. Ora il nostro servizio di chat IRC è stato internazionalizzato e tutti possono partecipare alla chat da tutto il mondo. Siamo ragazzi italiani e di solito chattiamo in italiano, ma possiamo anche parlare inglese o francese se necessario e lo spagnolo è molto simile all’Italiano nel vocabolario e nella grammatica. Nessun problema se scrivete nella vostra lingua, perché la chat fornisce la traduzione on-line dall’italiano nella vostra lingua e viceversa. Sulle nostre pagine con i link alla chat è possibile trovare l'orologio con il tempo di Roma. Potete trovare le persone in chat nel pomeriggio e nella serata fino alle due dopo mezzanotte, tempo di Roma. Vorremmo chattare con gli amici da tutto il mondo e se siete anche interessati ad imparare lingua italiana parlata avete una buona occasione per migliorare il vostro italiano chattando con amici gay italiani. Vi stiamo aspettando! A presto su Progetto Gay Chat!

GAY PROJECT INTERNATIONAL CHAT

2010-09-26T00:33:00.000+02:00

GAY PROJECT INTERNATIONAL CHAT

Dear Friends, this site in entirely dedicated to Gay Project Chat system.

Gay Project Chat system started two years ago with a single chat channel #progettogay, on Azzurra server. This way every day 20/30 users joined the chat, and starting from there also joined Gay Project Forum and other services like online tests about sexual orientation and so on.

Recently a user from abroad Italy told me he wasn't allowed to enter Gay Project Chat and really Azzurra server worked only for Italian users. That's why I started immediately another chat service based on Mibbit server. And users from abroad Italy told me it worked fine al least for European users. A lot of users who joined Mibbit Chat got away because Mibbit Channel was frequently empty. Our Italian chat users where chatting on national traditional chat channel, accessible only from Italy. I have to add that no one got in touch with us from USA or Canada using Mibbit chat.

That's why I started today a new international chat channel #gayproject on irc.esper.net port 5555 this channel can be entered from everywhere in the world. But we have another problem to solve, how to make Italian users migrate from the only Italian chat to the ne new international chat in order to allow users from abroad Italy find the chat with people really chatting. That's possible only making the old Italian chat a key chat and linking the new international chat in the place of the old one. I know it's quite hard to realize, because people don't like such tings, but it's necessary.

Please, be accustomed to use the new chat like the normal and usual Gay Project chat channel. Nothing changes for Italian users and people can join the chat from everywhere.

#gayproject on irc.esper.net port 5555

I just started another service: the chat guestbook:

The Chat Guestbook allows you to write messages in your own language to the chat users specifying the time you'll come back to the chat and also more complete messages.

International Gay Project Chat IS NOT A SEX CHAT and is devoted to serious dialogue between gay people from different countries.

From this page you can access International Gay Project Chat from everywhere in the world. The chat is multilingual and allows you to write and read in your own language what others write. Anyone can participate without registering.

GAY PROJECT INTERNATIONAL CHAT

2010-09-16T17:08:00.002+02:00

GAY PROJECT INTERNATIONAL CHAT

To access the International Gay Project Chat click on the button below.
For those who use systems such like mIRC, the server is: irc.mibbit.net and the channel is #gayproject

International Gay Project Chat IS NOT A SEX CHAT and is devoted to serious dialogue between gay people from different countries.

You can join the chat in many languages:
Afrikaans, Albanian, Amharic, Azerbaijani, Basque, Belarusian, Bengali, Bihari, Bulgarian, Burmese, Catalan, Cherokee, Chinese, Chinese simplified, Chinese traditional, Croatian, Czech, Danish, Dhivehi, Dutch, English, Esperanto, Estonian, Filipino, Finnish, French, Galician, Georgian, German, Greek, Guarani, Gujarati, Hebrew, Hindi, Hungarian, Icelandic, Indonesian, Inuktitut, Irish, Japanese, Kannada, Kazakh, Khmer, Korean, Kurdish, Kyrgyz, Laothian, Latvian, Lithuanian, Macedonian, Malay, Malayalam, Maltese, Marathi, Mongolian, Nepali, Norwegian, Oriya, Pashto, Persian, Polish, Portuguese, Punjabi, Romanian, Russian, Sanskrit, Serbian, Sindhi, Sinhalese, Slovak, Slovenian, Spanish, Swahili, Swedish, Tagalog, Tajik, Tamil, Telugu, Thai, Tibetan, Turkish, Uighur, Ukrainian, Urdu, Uzbek, Vietnamese, Welsh, Yddish

Join the chat with your nickname or the one assigned by the server. When you're in the chat page, below, it says "Translation", click on "Translation", and set to "Translate me to Italian" and "Translate them in your language". Now Mibbit will instantly translate from your language into Italian and from Italian into your language, because "usually" Italian is the language of the Gay Project Chat.

Access to the Chat is subject to unbreakable rules, in addition to the prohibitions required by law and by the general rules:
1) In this chat is not admitted any pedophile content, either directly or indirectly through external links. Gay Project is fundamentally incompatible with pedophilia.
2) In this chat is not allowed to talk about politics or religion, either directly or indirectly through external links.
3) In this chat is not allowed any reference to trade, either directly or indirectly through links to commercial sites.
4) In this chat are not allowed pornographic references of any kind, directly or indirectly through external links.
5) In this chat are not allowed references of racist or discriminatory content, either directly or indirectly through external links.
6) In this chat is not allowed to post e-mail, contacts, msn, skype or any other kind of net contact.
7) The user who inserts messages or links in violation of sections 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6 will be banned.

The chat channel is moderate, that means that there are channel operators (OP) marked with a star appearing in the list of users. Operators can intervene, if necessary, to remove users who do not behave properly.
On the top of theebblog, on the right, you can see Rome time, that's the Chat time. Usually you can find users joined in the afternoon and till 2.00 in the night, Rome time, obviously.

Once you open the chat page, just choose a nickname for access. The server provides user nicknames that can be changed at will. Keep in mind that if you choose a nickname that has already been chosen by a user who has registered, or a nick in use, the server will automatically change it within one minute to avoid nick duplication. The right column shows the list of other connected users. Your messages must be typed in the last line at the bottom of the chat and posted simply by pressing the "Enter" button on your computer.

GUESTS AND REGISTERED USERS

You can chat in two different ways:
1) as a guest, that is using the nickname assigned automatically by the server or with any other non-registered nick. Obviously, access is completely anonymous.
2) as a registered user. Let me give an example, when I enter the chat as "gayproject" which is my registered nick, you can be sure that behind that nick it's me. My access is anonymous but using a registered nick, the nick is connected via a password to a specific person. No one but me can use the nick “gayproject” because to use the nick "gayproject" it's necessary to identify via a password known only to me.

What is registration for? The answer is simple. The registration is required to give some users clearly identified the status of channel operators. These users, in the presence of harassing, may exclude a user from the channel. In essence channel operators are necessary to ensure the reliability of the chat.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR REGISTRATION OF A NICKNAME IN CHAT

To register a nickname, once you entered the chat, type the following command, replacing "password" with a word of five characters al least and replacing "email" with your e-mail address (really running):

/ns REGISTER password e-mail

You will receive an e-mail to validate your registration. Open the e-mail and follow the instructions in the e-mail.

IDENTIFICATION OF REGISTERED USERS

Users who enter the chat with a registered nick must authenticate, ie they must demonstrate they know the password for that nickname.
Authentication is carried out by entering the following command replacing “password” with the password for your nick.

/ns identify password

After the identification the server will give you the status of channel operator, if you are OP.

GENERAL UTILITY COMMANDS

Change the email associated with your nickname

/ns SET EMAIL address

Change the password for your nickname

/ns set passwd oldpassword newpassword

CHAT INTERNATIONAL DE PROJET GAY

2010-09-16T17:05:00.003+02:00

CHAT INTERNATIONAL DE PROJET GAY

Pour accéder au Chat International de Projet Gay, cliquez sur le bouton ci-dessous.
Pour ceux qui utilisent des systèmes tels que mIRC, le serveur est: irc.mibbit.net et le canal est #gayproject

Le Chat International de Projet Gay n'a rien à voir avec les chats érotiques et est dédié à un dialogue sérieux entre les gays de différents pays.
Depuis cette page vous pouvez accéder au Chat International de Project Gay de n'importe où dans le monde. Le chat vous permet d'écrire dans votre propre langue et de lire dans votre propre langue ce qu'écrivent les autres. N'importe qui peut participer sans inscription.

Vous pouvez joindre à la discussion dans de nombreuses langues:
Afrikaans, Albanais, Amharique, l'Azerbaïdjan, Basque, Biélorusse, Bengali, Bihari, Bulgare, Birman, Batala, Cherokee, Chinois, Chinois simplifié, Chinois traditionnel, Croate, Tchèque, Danois, Dhivehi, Néerlandais, Anglais, Espéranto, Eston, Tagalog, Finnois, Français, Galicien, Géorgien, Allemand, Grec, Guarani, Goujrâti, Hébreu, Hindi, Hongrois, Islandais, Indonésien, Inuktitut, Irlandais, Japonais, Kannada, Kazakh, Khmer, Coréen, Kurde, Kirghizistan, Lao, Eston, Lituanien, Macédonienne, Malayalam, Maltais, Marathi, Mongol, Népalais, Norvégien, Oriya, Pachtou, Persan, Polonais, Portugais, Punjabi, Roumaine, Russe, Sanskrit, Serbe, Sindhi, Cinghalais, Slovaque, Slovène, Espagnol, Swahili, Suédois, Tadjikistan, Tamoul, Telugu, Thaï, Tibétain, Turc, Ouïgour, Ukrainien, Ourdou, Ouzbek, Vietnamien, Gallois, Yddish.

Rejoignez le chat avec votre pseudo ou celui attribué par le serveur. Quand vous êtes dans la page du chat, le bas de la page, vous pouvez voir "Traduire", cliquez sur "Traduire" et sur "Traduire en italien" et "Traduire dans votre langue." Mibbit va traduire pour vous du Français vers l'Italien et de l'Italien vers le Français, parce que «habituellement» l'Italien est la langue du Chat de Projet Gay.

L'accès au chat est soumis à des normes obligatoires, en plus des interdictions prévues par la loi et par les règles générales:
1) Dans ce chat n'est pas autorisé aucun contenu pédophile, directement ou indirectement par l'intermédiaire des liens externes. Projet Gay est absolument incompatible avec la pédophilie.
2) Dans ce chat vous ne pouvez pas parler de politique ou de religion, soit directement, soit indirectement par l'intermédiaire des liens externes.
3) Dans ce chat n'est pas autorisé, toute référence au commerce, soit directement, soit indirectement par l'intermédiaire des liens vers des sites commerciaux.
4) Dans ce chat ne sont pas autorisés références pornographiques de toute nature, directement ou indirectement par l'intermédiaire des liens externes.
5) Dans ce chat ne sont pas autorisés références à caractère raciste ou discriminatoire, soit directement, soit indirectement par l'intermédiaire des liens externes.
6) Il est absolument interdit de poster des messages contenant des e-mails, contacts, MSN, Skype ou tout autre type.
7) Si un utilisateur envoie des messages ou des liens en violation des articles 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 et 6, il sera exclu de la discussion.

Le canal de discussion est modéré, ce qui signifie qu'il existe des opérateurs de canaux (OP) marqués d'une étoile sur la liste des utilisateurs à côté de leurs surnoms. Les opérateurs peuvent agir pour exclure les utilisateurs qui ne se comportent pas correctement.
Le haut de ce blog vous pouvez voir les temps de Rome, qui est le temps de la conversation. Les utilisateurs peuvent généralement être trouvés sur le Chat dans l'après-midi à 2h00 de la nuit, heure de Rome, bien sûr.
Si vous choisissez un pseudo qui a déjà été choisi par quelqu'un d'autre qui a enregistré, ou un pseudo déjà utilisé, le serveur automatiquement au bout de 60 secondes va le changer pour éviter les doubles emplois des sornoms. La colonne de droite montre la liste des utilisateurs connectés. Les messages doivent être dactylographiés dans le rectangle blanc au dessous de la page et affiché appuyant simplement sur "Enter" sur votre ordinateur.

UTILISATEURS invités et INSCRITS

Vous pouvez discuter de deux manières:
1) en tant qu'invité, qui utilise le surnom attribué automatiquement par le serveur ou tout autre pseudo non-enregistré. De toute évidence, l'accès est totalement anonyme.
2) en tant qu'utilisateur enregistré.

Permettez-moi de vous donner un exemple, quand j'entre dans le chat comme "gayproject" qui est mon nick enregistré, vous pouvez être sûr que derrière ce pseudo, c'est moi. Mon accès est anonyme, mais avec un pseudo enregistré, le nick est connecté via un mot de passe à un utilisateur spécifié. Personne d'autre que moi ne peut utiliser le surnom de "gayproject", celui qui utilise le surnom ce doit être identifié par un mot de passe connu seulement par moi.
Qu'est-ce que l'enregistrement? La réponse est simple. La inscription est nécessaire pour donner à certains utilisateurs, clairement identifiés, le statut de opérateur du canal. Ces utilisateurs, en présence de harcèlement, peut exclure un utilisateur du canal. En substance, les opérateurs de canaux sont nécessaires pour assurer la fiabilité du chat.

Instructions pour l'inscription de pseudo EN CHAT

Pour enregistrer un pseudo sur le chat de rejoindre, tapez la commande suivante, en remplaçant "password" avec un mot de cinq lettres et de remplacer "email" avec votre adresse e-mail (en fait de travail):

/ns REGISTER mot-de-passe e-mail

Vous recevrez un e-mail pour confirmer votre enregistrement. Ouvrez le et suivez les instructions dans l'email.

IDENTIFICATION des utilisateurs enregistrés

Les utilisateurs qui entrent dans le chat avec un pseudo enregistré, doivent s'authentifier, cela signifie qu'ils doivent démontrer une connaissance du mot de passe pour leur nick. L'authentification est faite en entrant la commande suivante, remplaçant "mot de passe" avec votre mot de passe pour votre pseudo.

/ns identify mot-de-passe

Après votre identification le serveur vous donnera le status d'opérateur de canal si vous êtes OP.

COMMANDES UTILES

Changer l'adresse email associée à votre pseudo:

/Ns SET EMAIL adresse

Changer le mot de passe de votre pseudo:

/ns set passwd Oldpassword Newpassword

CHAT INTERNACIONAL DE PROYECTO GAY

2010-09-16T17:02:00.004+02:00

CHAT INTERNACIONAL DE PROYECTO GAY

Para acceder a la Chat Internacional de Poyecto Gay haga clic en el botón de abajo.
Para aquellos que utilizan sistemas como el mIRC, el server es: irc.mibbit.net y el canal es #gayproject

Este chat no tiene nada que ver con el chat erótico, y tiene como objetivo promover un diálogo serio entre las personas homosexuales de diferentes países.
El enlace en esta página (click en el botón) le permite conectarse al chat desde cualquier parte del mundo. El chat es multilingüe y le permite escribir en su propio idioma y leer en su propio idioma lo que otros escriben. Cualquier persona puede participar sin necesidad de registrarse.

Usted puede unirse al chat en varios idiomas:
Afrikaans, Albanés, Amárico, Azerí, Vasco, Bielorruso, Bengalí, Bihari, Búlgaro, Birmano, Batala, Cherokee, Chino, Chino simplificado, Chino tradicional, Croata, Checo, Danés, Dhivehi, Neerlandés, Inglés, Esperanto, Estonio, Filipino, Finlandés, Francés, Gallego, Georgiano, Alemán, Griego, Guaraní, Gujarati, Hebreo, Hindi, Húngaro, Islandés, Indonesio, Inuktitut, Irlandés, Japonés, Canarés, Kazajo, Camboyano, Coreano, Curdo, Kirguistán, Lao, Letón, Lituano, Macedonio, Malayo, Malayalam, Maltés, Marathi, Mongol, Nepalí, Noruego, Oriya, Pashto, Persa, Polaco, Portugués, Punjabi, Rumano, Ruso, Sánscrito, Serbio, Sindhi, Cingalés, Eslovaco, Esloveno, Español, Swahili, Sueco, Tagalo, Fayiko, Tamil, Telugu, Tailandés, Tibetano, Turco, Uigur, Ucraniano, Urdu, Uzbeko, Vietnamita, Galés, Yddish

Usted puede unirse al chat con su nombre o lo que el server le asignará automáticamente. Justo debajo del rectángulo blanco donde escribir mensajes, usted puede encontrar "traducción", haga clic en "traducción" y ajuste "traducir mis mensajes en italiano" y " traducir sus mensajes en español"
Ahora Mibbit se traducirá automáticamente los mensajes del Español al Italiano y los mensajes de otros usuarios del Italiano al Español, porque "generalmente" Italiano es el idioma del Chat del Proyecto.

El acceso está sujeta a normas obligatorias, además de las prohibiciones establecidas por la ley y por las normas generales:
1) En este chat no se permiten referencias pedófilas, directa o indirectamente a través de los enlaces externos. Proyecto Gay es absolutamente incompatible con la pedofilia.
2) En este chat no está permitido hablar de política o religión, ya sea directa o indirectamente a través de los enlaces externos.
3) En este chat no se permiten referencias comerciales, ya sea directa o indirectamente a través de enlaces a sitios comerciales.
4) En este chat no se permiten referencias pornográficas de todo tipo, directa o indirectamente a través de los enlaces externos.
5) En este chat no se permiten referencias racistas o discriminatorias, ya sea directa o indirectamente a través de los enlaces externos.
6) En este chat no se le permite enviar mensajes que contienen correos electrónicos, contactos, msn, skype o cualquier otro tipo.
7) Si un usuario inserta mensajes o enlaces en violación de los artículos 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 y 6 será expulsado.

El canal de chat es moderado, lo que significa que hay operadores de canal (OP) marcados con una estrella en la lista de usuarios junto a sus apodos. Los operadores pueden intervenir si es necesario, para excluir a los usuarios que no se comportan correctamente.
En este blog, en al lado derecho, usted puede ver la hora de Roma, general, se pueden encontrar los usuarios en el chat de la tarde hasta las 2:00 de la noche, hora de Roma.
Tenga en cuenta que si usted elige un apodo que ya ha sido elegido por otro usuario que se haya registrado, o un nickname en uso, el server cambia automáticamente el nickname en un minuto para evitar la duplicación de apodo. La columna de la derecha muestra la lista de los usuarios conectados. Los mensajes deberán ser escritos en la última línea en la parte inferior de la chat y se envían haciendo clic en Enviar.

INVITADOS Y USUARIOS REGISTRADOS

Usted puede unirse al chat de dos maneras
1) en calidad de invitado, que está usando el apodo asignado automáticamente por el server o cualquier otro nick no registrado. Obviamente, el acceso es totalmente anónimo.
2) en calidad de usuario registrado.
Déjenme darles un ejemplo, cuando entro en el chat en calidad de "gayproject", que es mi nick registrado, puedes estar seguro de que detrás de ese nick soy yo. Mi acceso es anónimo, pero con un nick registrado, el nick está conectado a través de una contraseña a una persona específica. Nadie más que yo puede utilizar el apodo de "gayproject" porque a utilizar el apodo de "gayproject" deberá estar identificado con una contraseña conocida sólo a mí.

¿Por qué algunos usuarios deben registrarse y no otros? La respuesta es simple. Un usuario debe estar registrado, que es exactamente identificado, para tener estatus de operador de canal. Estos usuarios operadores, en presencia de acoso, pueden excluir a un usuario del canal. En esencia, los operadores de canal son necesarios para garantizar la fiabilidad de la conversación.

Instrucciones para la inscripción del apodo en el Chat (adopo registrado)

Para registrar un apodo escriba el siguiente comando, reemplazando "password" con una palabra de por lo menos cinco letras y "email" con su e-mail:

/ns REGISTER password e-mail

Usted recibirá un e-mail para confirmar la inscripción. Abra el correo electrónico y siga las instrucciones en el correo electrónico.

IDENTIFICACIÓN DE LOS USUARIOS REGISTRADOS

Si un usuario entra en un chat con un nick registrado debe ser reconocido por el servidor, es decir, debe demostrar un conocimiento de la contraseña de su apodo. El procedimiento para la autenticación (identificación) se realiza utilizando el siguiente comando, sustituyendo "contraseña" con la contraseña de tu nick.

/ns identify password
Después de la identificación el server le dará estatus de operador de canal si usted es realmente un operador de canal.

Algunos comandos útiles

Cambie el correo electrónico asociado a su apodo

/ns SET EMAIL e-mail

Cambiar la contraseña de tu nick

/ns set passwd OldPassword NewPassword

CONNECT TO GAY PROJECT INTERNATIONAL CHAT

2010-09-08T16:11:00.000+02:00

il tuo browser non supporta l'iframe:
per vedere il contenuto clicca qui

GAY PROJECT INTERNATIONL CHAT

2010-09-08T16:07:00.004+02:00

Thanks to the collaboration of a friend living abroad, finally International Gay Project Chat works fine.

He told me that he could not enter Gay Project Chat. The link didn’t work properly from out of Italy. Indeed, despite a substantial advertising to our chat, also on the blog NOT ONLY GAY that is aimed at English speakers people, no foreign user has been seen for a long time. Years ago we had people from the USA and Russia, but no one arrived from abroad recently.

Just to let users from out of Italy enter Gay Project Chat I started an extensive research and found that our traditional provider of instant messaging (an Italian provider), seeing the spam grow much on its international network, created different servers, for different geographical areas, one for Italy, one for the rest of Europe, one for the U.S. and Canada and so on, but these servers are independent and only the Italians can chat with other Italians, Europeans outside of Italy only with other Europeans outside of Italy and so on. So with that provider to connect an Italian user with an user abroad by an IRC chat was not really possible.

What to do? The answer is obvious, look for an international provider that has not segmented servers. The provider I have chosen is Mibbit (server: irc.mibbit.net), whose chat rooms are equipped with multi-language translator online. I then proceeded to open a channel (#gayproject) on irc.mibbit.net that can be accessed via the Gay Project Chat, quite similar to other Gay Project chats, but the new one is truly international.

I wrote to the friend that pointed out the inability to connect from outside with the old chat and I got his reply in which he said he entered normally the new chat.

I opened a new site on Altervista http://gayproject.altervista.org and put there the pages to access international chat (both in English and Italian).

The International chat, is identical to the previous, the same method of access and use but the new chat has the fundamental characteristic of being accessible from abroad and this is a major step forward.

Because the new chat is on another server, nicknames registered on the old server must be newly registered on the new, I would ask all interested about being moderators on the new chat (it requires a bit 'of English) to register their nickname to the new server and also send me an email (progettogay@ymail.com) indicating their willingness and both their forum nicknames and nicknames registered on Mibbit.

I pray all the old traditional users to use also the new chat so that people accessing from abroad (remember those accessing from abroad may access only the international chat) never find the channel #gayproject empty.

TO ACCESS THE INTERNATIONAL CHAT

Gay Project Chat

Thank you all!
Project

GAY PROJECT CHAT IN YOUR LANGUAGE

2010-08-02T13:45:00.009+02:00

Rome time

Gay Project Chat

Gay Project Chat With online translation in many languages, is not an erotic chat, it's public and intended to foster dialogue between gays.
Anyone can participate without registering you only must agree to the principles provided in the regulation.
Chat moderators may exclude a user when necessary.

Join the chat with your nickname or the one assigned by the server, clicking on the link in the box above, and then push the button "Connect". You can see how many users are chatting simply looking at the box.

When you're in the chat page, below, it says "Translation", click on "Translation", and set to "Translate me to Italian" and "Translate them to your language".

Now Mibbit will instantly translate from your language into Italian and from Italian into your language, because Italian is the language of the Gay Project Chat.

On the box you can see Rome time, that's the Chat time and also How many users are chatting at the moment. Usually you can find a lot of users joined in the afternoon and till 2.00 in the night, Rome time, obviously.
_____

Access to the Chat is subject to unbreakable rules, in addition to the prohibitions required by law and by the general rules governing the forum:

1) In this forum is not admitted any pedophile content, either directly or indirectly through external links. Gay Project is fundamentally incompatible with pedophilia.

2) In this forum is not allowed to talk about politics or religion, either directly or indirectly through external links.

3) In this forum is not allowed any reference to trade, either directly or indirectly through links to commercial sites.

4) In this forum are not allowed pornographic references of any kind, directly or indirectly through external links.

5) In this forum are not allowed references of racist or discriminatory content, either directly or indirectly through external links.

6) In this forum is not allowed to post e-mail, contacts, msn, skype or any other kind of net contact.

7) The user who inserts messages or links in violation of sections 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6 will be banned.

GAY PROJECT CHAT IN MANY LANGUEGES

2010-06-21T14:31:00.006+02:00

GAY PROJECT has no commercial purpose but has two specific purposes:

- Promote a serious dialogue between gay people.
- Let people know the real gay world, the invisible one, thousand miles away from the media image.

These are links to the main activities of Gay Project Gay on the net:

http ://progettogayforum.altervista.org/
(platform altervista) The most flexible tool for discussion, with thousands of messages and hundreds of open discussions.

http ://progettogay.myblog.it/
(blog platform Alice) Blogs with almost 800 posts and hundreds of comments. Also has a powerful internal search engine to explore the site.

http://nonsologay.blogspot.com/
(blog platform Google) presents a very detailed table of contents organized by tags and allows rapid extraction of articles. Also has a powerful internal search engine to explore the site.

http ://notonlygay.blogspot.com/ blog in English.

http://progettogaysito.altervista.org/
The site contains the regulations, surveys, chat access pages with those of technical support.

GAY PROJECT FORUM is fully public and is intended for exchange of experiences and debate.

Gay Project Chat With online translation in many languages, is not an erotic chat, is public and is intended to foster dialogue between gays. Anyone can participate without registering you only must agree to the principles provided in the regulation. Chat moderators may exclude a user when necessary.

Join the chat with your nickname or the one assigned by the server, and then push the button "Connect". You can see how many users are chatting simply looking at the right column of the home page of this blog.

When you're in the chat page, below, it says "Translation", click on "Translation", and set to "Translate me to Italian" and "Translate them to your language".

Now Mibbit will instantly translate from your language into Italian and from Italian into your language, because Italian is the language of the Gay Project Chat.

You can join the chat in many languages:

Afrikaans, Albanian, Amharic, Azerbaijani, Basque, Belarusian, Bengali, Bihari, Bulgarian, Burmese, Catalan, Cherokee, Chinese, Chinese simplified, Chinese traditional, Croatian, Czech, Danish, Dhivehi, Dutch, English, Esperanto, Estonian, Filipino, Finnish, French, Galician, Georgian, German, Greek, Guarani, Gujarati, Hebrew, Hindi, Hungarian, Icelandic, Indonesian, Inuktitut, Irish, Japanese, Kannada, Kazakh, Khmer, Korean, Kurdish, Kyrgyz, Laothian, Latvian, Lithuanian, Macedonian, Malay, Malayalam, Maltese,
Marathi, Mongolian, Nepali, Norwegian, Oriya, Pashto, Persian, Polish, Portuguese, Punjabi, Romanian, Russian, Sanskrit, Serbian, Sindhi, Sinhalese, Slovak, Slovenian, Spanish, Swahili, Swedish, Tagalog, Tajik, Tamil, Telugu, Thai, Tibetan, Turkish, Uighur, Ukrainian, Urdu, Uzbek, Vietnamese, Welsh, Yddish

GAY PROJECT RULES
access to the Forum and Chat

Access to the forum is subject to a number of unbreakable rules, in addition to the prohibitions required by law and by the general rules governing the forum:

1) In this forum is not admitted any pedophile content, either directly or indirectly through external links. Gay Project is fundamentally incompatible with pedophilia.
2) In this forum is not allowed to talk about politics or religion, either directly or indirectly through external links.
3) In this forum is not allowed any reference to trade, either directly or indirectly through links to commercial sites.
4) In this forum are not allowed pornographic references of any kind, directly or indirectly through external links.
5) In this forum are not allowed references of racist or discriminatory content, either directly or indirectly through external links.
6) In this forum is not allowed to post e-mail, contacts, msn, skype or any other kind of net contact.
7) The user who inserts messages or links in violation of sections 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6 will be banned.

The same principles that govern the Forum also apply to the chat.
All users are encouraged to communicate in their own interest any violation of rules listed above.

GAY PROJECT PHYLOSOPHY

Homosexuality is a normal variant of human sexual behavior. There are other normal variants of human sexual behavior as bisexuality in its various forms. The suffering of gay and bisexual people is not derived from their sexual orientation but by social prejudices often internalized. It makes no sense, and indeed creates unnecessary stress, try to change the spontaneous sexual orientation of a person. The only form of support that can be provided to persons who suffer for their sexual orientation, is helping to remove constraints and prejudices and to accept their sexuality for what it is and to live freely. All forms of repression of sexuality create suffering. Sexual freedom can find only limits in the freedom of others. The knowledge of real sexuality, the serious debate with others about these issues in a non-ideological climate, and the habit to treat sexuality as something normal in the life helps us understand what sexuality really is.Prevention of sexually transmitted diseases is of utmost priority.

If you are interested in this and want to help to expand Gay Project also to users of English or your own language, send me an email (in your language) at:
progettogay@ymail.com

STATISTICS ABOUT HOMOSEXUALITY AND PORNOGRAPHY

2010-05-05T11:09:00.001+02:00

Dear Gay Project friends, today the survey organized by Gay Project about the relationship between homosexuality and pornography starts. From the early surveys

http://progettogaysito.altervista.org/i_form_di_progetto_gay.htm

about homosexuality the role of pornography in the sexual education of gay guys was pretty clear. The poll "Gays and pornography" aims to point out the issue basing on a statistics evaluation.

The online form of "Gay and pornography", which filling is totally anonymous can be accessed at the address:

http://spreadsheets.google.com/viewform?hl=it&formkey=dDZaNkJfcjFyZFlLSnB5bnFPeF9nbmc6MA

Database containing all the answers can be found here:

http://spreadsheets.google.com/pub?key=t6Z6B_r1rdYKJpynqOx_gng&output=html

The test has is birth as an experiment. Soon some effective tools will be added. Tips on how to enhance the service are really appreciated.

Here's the questionnaire and the possible answers:

1 My age

2 Who knows?

1) Noone knows about my homosexuality

2) Just a friend knows

3) My real friends know

4) Everyone

3 Use of pornography

1) I don't look at pornography

2) Sometimes a surf porn sites but just for curiosity

3) I surf porn sites to masturbate but rarely

4) I surf porn sites to masturbate, often, but that doesn't affect me

5) I masturbate only on porn websites

6) I'm partially addicted to pornography, overall in my freetime

7) Pornography is such an obsession to me, i spend almost the whole time on internet to browse pornography and I can't stop.

4 I loot at pornography because

1) I can't express freely my sexuality and pornography is al least the only sexual vent I have

2) the concrete occasions where I'm involved in sex in the everyday life are just a few and pornography helps me to live a sexuality that is at least virtual

3) I could live without it but I don't know why I should, since there's right thinking it doesn't hurt me.

5) How old were you when you started to use pornography? (0 = never)

6) How many times in percentual you masturbate by using porhography? (from 0 to 100)

7 Protagonists of porn

1) I prefer videos with one guy only, naked and in non-sexual situations (shower, changeroom, nudism)

2) I prefer videos with one guy only masturbating

3) I prefer videos with two guys in non-sexual conditions (shower, changeroom, nudism)

4) I prefer videos with 2 guys masturbating (self)

5) I prefer videos with 2 guys having sex

6) I prefer videos with more than two guys in non-sexual conditions (shower, changeroom, nudism)

7) I prefer videos with more than two guys having sex

8 Type of pornography

1) I'd rather watch spy cam videos with guys (who are not actors) naked but not having sex

2) I'd rather watch spy cam videos with guys (who are not actors) masturbating

3) I'd rather watch spy cam videos with guys (who are not actors) involved in sex

4) I prefer amatorial videos concerning the everyday life with others (university, sport teams) where sexual scenarios can have birth but without sexual love

5) I prefer videos made by actors where I can find not only sex but a story also

6) I prefer videos with sex only

9 Basing on what, i choose porn material

0 = basing only on the sexual appeal of the guys involved

10 = basing only on what it's done in the video

10 Have you ever been on a payment porn webiste?

1) Never

2) Only once

3) From 2 to 5 times

4) From 6 to 10 times

5) From 11 to 20 times

6) Often

11 Have you ever bought porn movies?

1) Never

2) Only once

3) From 2 to 5 times

4) From 6 to 10 times

5) From 11 to 20 times

6) Often

12 How many porn sites do you generally visit?

1) None

2) One only

3) From 2 to 5

4) From 6 to 10

5) More than 10

13 Variability of you fantasies when masturbating

1) They are always the same

2) They change just a bit over the time

3) They continue changing

14 Which way your fantasies are inspired by pornography?

(from 0 to 10 degrees)

15 My sexual experiences

1) None

2) Rare and only straight

3) Rare and both hetero and gay

4) Rare and only gay

5) Frequent and just hetero

6) Frequent and both hetero and homosexual

7) Frequent and just gay

16 My para-sexual experiences

1) I spied the nudity of other guys

2) I made other guys sexually embarassed

3) I sometimes find myself in group nudity situations (changing rooms, showers) without a sexual involvement of me (no erection)

4) I sometimes find myself in group nudity situations (changing rooms, showers) with an erection

5) Bad jokes from the group that hit me (for example: forced to undress in front of other peole)

6) Bad jokes from the group that hit others ( for example: forced to undress in front of other peole)

17 Do you attend to erotic chats?

1) No, never

2) Sometimes but just because I'm curious

3) It happened sometimes because I was looking for guys but I have never got in touch with those I met on those chats

4) It happened sometimes because I was looking for guys and I met some of them

5) It happened many times because I was looking for guys but I have never met those who I got in touch with on erotic chats

6) It happened many times because I was looking for guys abd I have met some of them

7) I frequent meeting networks and I know and have met the most of those guys in the real life also

18 Do you attend to meeting networks?

1) No, never

2) Sometimes but just because I'm curious

3) It happened sometimes because I was looking for guys but I have never got in touch with those I met on those sites

4) It happened sometimes because I was looking for guys and I met some of them

5) It happened many times because I was looking for guys but I have never met those who I got in touch with on meeting nekworks

6) It happened many times because I was looking for guys abd I have met some of them

7) I frequent meeting networks and I know and have met the most of those guys in the real life also

19 Have you ever been in a gay pub?

1) Never

2) Yes, sometimes but just because of curiosity

3) It happens sometimes because I generally go there with friends

4) It happened sometimes because I was looking for guys to get in touch with

5) It happens often because I generally go there with friends

6) It happened many times because I was looking for guys to get in touch with

7) I actually frequent gay pubs

20 If I fall in love with a guy

1) I avoid masturbation

2) I think of him when masturbating but then I feel guilty

3) I think of him when masturbating with no problems

4) I think about other guys but after the act I feel guilty

5) I masturbate thinking of other guys with no problems

6) I only masturbate thinking of other guys because if I did it thinking of him I would feel guilty

21 When I fall in love with a guy

1) I won't attend to erotic chats and meeting networks

2) I'll try to avoid it but I can't

3) I will still do it

22 When i'm fond of another guy

1) I don't need porn sites anymore to masturbate

2) I try not to visit them but something it happens

3) I still masturbate by looking at porn

SELF VALUATION OF THE SEXUAL ORIENTATION

2010-04-30T00:30:00.006+02:00

Nowadays, more than 330 people took the test of proposed by GayProject.
I'm publishing today for the first time the stats self-upgrading of this test. I invite you to consult them by using attention because the elements contained are valuable.

QUIZ CONTENTS: My age / sexual orientation felt / family pressures / social expectations / effective sexuality inside a couple / have or not done coming out / value of my relationships with people of the same age within my sexual education / value of my relationships with parents within my sexual education / value of religion within my sexual education / value of pornography within my sexual education / affective
orientation felt / polarization of the sexual interest / difficulty of accepting of my sexuality in the present time / sexual orientation of masturbation / value
of masturbation inside couple life / level of satisfaction in couple life, actual or hypothetical (for those who didn't have sex yet) / level of affective satisfaction in my couple every day, actual or hypothetical / level of sexual satisfaction when masturbating / level of affective satisfaction when masturbating

TO PARTICIPATE you have to compile anonymously the following module:

http://spreadsheets.google.com/viewform?hl=it&formkey=dENVQXBaS0ZfU0RydlVKLTMzODRjZUE6MA

As soon as you send the compiled test you can read the page regarding your answers followed by a commentwhich is written automatically by the software/script and based on the experience developed within GayProject:

http://spreadsheets.google.com/pub?key=tCUApZKF_SDrvUJ-3384ceA&single=true&gid=2&output=html

You can also read the entire database containing the answers of others:

http://spreadsheets.google.com/pub?key=tCUApZKF_SDrvUJ-3384ceA&single=true&gid=0&output=html

The self-upgrading statistics analysis about the principal elements of the test can be found at the following link:

http://progettogaysito.altervista.org/orientamento_sessuale_test_stat.htm

The presented elements are extremely interesting.

GAY SEXUALITY INTERACTIVE STATISTICS

2010-04-29T23:49:00.000+02:00

Dear GayProject
users, I'm happy to "finally" offer you a mean really powerful to let you, in first person and following your measures, analyzing the databanks of Gayproject about the sexual orientation, gay sexuality and relationship between homosexuality and pornography.

It's a page from which you will be able not only to access to the data but to filter them either by feature (so age, etc).

So the reader is free of watching the information in depth and I want to assure you that with a serious research you can find out a realistic picture of homosexuality. There are tools that are unfindable in other places. GayProject gives 'em to anyone who is interested in it.

By clicking this link you'll be directed to the page containing the interactive information:

http://progettogaysito.altervista.org/analsi_interattiva_sessualita_gay.htm

I want to remind everyone who wants to participate to GayProject surveys (anonymously) and to browse all the handwritten material that the page is the following:

http://progettogaysito.altervista.org/i_form_di_progetto_gay.htm

ANOTHER GAY LOVE

2010-04-29T21:26:00.000+02:00

Hello Project,

thank you for having wasted all of that time with me, i wouldn't ever have expected that. At last, speaking with you caused me a strange effect, it brought me back in time.
They've been so many years that my experiences are the opposite of what you say on your blog, or at least they were so. Even if now I'm 40, I guess I have never used my brain, stupid things made by me in the past are a lot and even big for the most, and we talked about them the last night, but the most foolish thing I did, was for me to try to put my ego always on top, on the centre. I started to wander around those places and environments you dislike when I was pretty young, and I felt I was free and over all everything was simply. You do know that I took The Exam and it resulted negative; i'm going to take another test the next three months, but I really am not afraid if it will be positive, because for the past year I've been so careful. I've been lucky, but it's not the same for a friend of mine that got it. I think that what brought back my mind to work was this one. I see myself in that guy, and I won't leave him alone. Speaking of me, I feel like I was in a weird situation, as if everything I felt in the past made me able to understand those guys that live an extreem life as it had been mine.

Sometimes I think I could leave everything apart (except my job because I need it to live my life) and dedicate my life to the guys like me. I started to do things that made me kidded by others. I attended gay pubs and "harassed" guys and if they were really in troubles i tried to make them reason by telling them how I had been living and everything I told you. Some of them told me that I had to become friar. Some guys when being aware that I didn't want to have sex with them thought I was mad. It has been so the most of times (a dozen of times in total) just in one case it happened in a different way, precisely with a 20 years old guy, who was really lost (addicted by drugs also) and was trying anything to throw out his life.

In his house there was noone, ever, and noone was looking for him. At school he was a failure. When I first met him, he was attending the fifth class (last year of high school in italy - e.n.) for the second time because he had been fired. Project, you won't believe me but meeting this guy has been the "turning point" of my life. Until 37, I had been living in the worst scruffiness, the only serious thing in my life was my job, but I had been wasting all I possessed and the whole of what I didn't to spend every night in pubs looking for guys andI had lost the count. If you had seen my home you surely would have been scared of what you could have found in it, rubbish and mould everywhere, sheets dirty like crap, honestly I said everything I had to. Then I met him, Marco (fake name). He told me about terrible matters, almost always and only about death and inadequacy, he thought he hadn't a reason to still live. Sometimes I thought he could be able to commit suicide, because of how much despair his eyes were full of. I invited him to my home, he came in guessing the reason was sex, i guess he did so because of his past experience, I was attracted by him and I felt a bit of temptation, no a lot of it, but I resisted and I played a role between the elder brother and the serious friend. At the end of the day he asked me if I could let him stay for the night, so I spent the time til 2 am to clean "his" room (my house has 2 rooms), i worked like a slave and even washed the floor (that had been like that for a year); initially he observed me, but then he helped me out.
We filled 10 sacks with rubbish, we cleansed the place of all the dust and I gave him the only clean sheets I found- He wanted to sleep with the doors open. The next morning when I woke up he was still asleep (at 6.00 am al least), I told him I was going out and buy some milk and he answered by whining. When I got home, he had already waken and was washing the bathroom. He asked me "Who lives here with you?" and when I answered "noone" he asked me to let him stay. I answered positively, I gave him some money because he hadn't and I got to office. When i came back at 5.00 pm I found him busy for all the work, the house was bright as a mirror, he had done several washing and even cooked. It was the end of july, in september the school was going to begin but he didn't want to study by all means and if I tried to speak about that matter he didn't answer me so I had to blackmail him "If you want to stay you must study, otherwise you'll have to leave!". At first he answered me with bad words, then he told me that he wouldn't be able to understand the subjects because he was stupid.

In the evening we started to make projects about the school, he seemed perplexed but not annoyed.
He wanted to make love with, he said that he felt like it was a spontaneus feeling and this event made me baffled so I told him I had no faith in him and that we had to have the test (hiv) at first and then again because of the window period; he accepted it as answer and didn't say anything about the subject. The evening we watched the TV, me on the armchair and him lying on the sofa laughing sometimes and I won't ever forget the way he smiles.

The next day I went to his school and took the modules for his subscription and when I returned home he gazed at me surprised and told me "So you were serious!". He never left home, I thought he soon or late would have had the need of visiting those pubs again but he never did, he never asked me for money also. After a week that was his home also.

So, project, he will have the maturity exam soon. I went to school and talked with his teacher telling them I was his uncle (not true) and Marco receives good marks and I guess he will go to the university. He still lives with me, he has been the best thing ever happened in my life, and I hope he finds a nice guy that will love him because I'm afraid that he will grow fond of me too much. I'm half scared of and I half wish it. Now no pubs for me and him either.

In my life I had sex with many guys and never with Marco, even so, I love him so much and I feel loved.

I don't know if ours his a gay couple or an association of desperate people but he is the most wonderful thing in my life.

Now I know what loving a guy is, before I had never known it. Before I thought that love and sex were the same thing but then I understood that it's not like it.

Project, this is the story I started to tell you yesterday and you've been the only trusting me!
Thank you Project! I wander about what would have happened if I had noticed about GayProject 20 years ago...

_________

If you want, you
can join the discussion about this post, by following the link:
http://progettogayforum.altervista.org/viewtopic.php?f=19&t=644&start=0

Gay Project Chat in your own language

2010-03-30T18:59:00.007+02:00

Now you can join Gay Project Chat directly in your own language, reading and writing directly in your language.

Open the chat:

http://wbeuk2.mibbit.com/?settings=d55dfad09a25513f9629bc4d8214a0bc&server=mibbit.irc.azzurra.org&channel=%23progettogay&autoConnect=true

Join the chat with your nickname or the one assigned by the server, then push the button "Connect".

When you're in the chat page, below, it says "Translation", click on "Translation", set to "Translate me to Italian" and "Translate them to your language".

Now Mibbit will instantly translate from your language into Italian and from Italian into your language, because Italian is the language of the Gay Project Chat.

You can join the chat in many languages:

Afrikaans, Albanian, Amharic, Azerbaijani, Basque, Belarusian, Bengali, Bihari, Bulgarian, Burmese, Catalan, Cherokee, Chinese, Chinese simplified, Chinese traditional, Croatian, Czech, Danish, Dhivehi, Dutch, English, Esperanto, Estonian, Filipino, Finnish, French, Galician, Georgian, German, Greek, Guarani, Gujarati, Hebrew, Hindi, Hungarian, Icelandic, Indonesian, Inuktitut, Irish, Japanese, Kannada, Kazakh, Khmer, Korean, Kurdish, Kyrgyz, Laothian, Latvian, Lithuanian, Macedonian, Malay, Malayalam, Maltese, Marathi, Mongolian, Nepali, Norwegian, Oriya, Pashto, Persian, Polish, Portuguese, Punjabi, Romanian, Russian, Sanskrit, Serbian, Sindhi, Sinhalese, Slovak, Slovenian, Spanish, Swahili, Swedish, Tagalog, Tajik, Tamil, Telugu, Thai, Tibetan, Turkish, Uighur, Ukrainian, Urdu, Uzbek, Vietnamese, Welsh, Yddish

GAY PROJECT CONTENT TO READ IN MANY LANGUAGES

2010-03-17T18:53:00.000+01:00

Dear friends, from now on, on the most important websites of Gay Project (“Progetto Gay”an Italian web based gay community) you can find, right in the homepage, the Google translator installed.

You can chose the language you prefer to read Gay Project Blog, and the corresponding translation will appear in seconds. The site supports 35 different languages.

Here are the Gay Project sites with Google translator installed:

http://progettogay.myblog.it/

http://nonsologay.blogspot.com/

Clearly computer translations can be affected by a lot of mistakes. I’m sorry, but Google translator was the only method to allow people from a lot of countries read Gay Project content.

Thank you.

GAY PROJECT OPEN RESPONSE QUESTIONNAIRE ON GAY SEXUALITY

2009-08-25T13:16:00.005+02:00

Dear friends,

Gay Project started several months ago an online interview program on gay sexuality. The program requires users to fill out a form/interview. After review by a moderator, to avoid the publication of bad stuff, forms are automatically collected and published online and are accessible to everyone.

The online interviews, initially only in Italian, have achieved some success and it is now possible, reading the texts, to get a realistic idea of gay sexuality.

From today Gay Project extends the online interview program on gay sexuality even to English speaking users.

Want to participate in the survey? Here is the link to the online form:
http://spreadsheets.google.com/viewform?hl=it&formkey=dFlDVlJ5WHR1b0VwRUl5UzV5UG9KM1E6MA..

Want to read the results? Here's the link:
http://spreadsheets.google.com/pub?key=tYCVRyXtuoEpEIyS5yPoJ3Q&output=html

The questionnaire, that appears below, is part of the "Gay Project Polls". As usual, the participation in the survey is anonymous and realized through the development of an online questionnaire, in this case there aren't pre-answers to choose from; everyone has the opportunity to write his answers without space limits.

Questions: My country. My age. My sexual orientation and its development. When and how I understood to be gay. When and how I accepted my being gay. The difficulties I encountered in the acceptance of my gay identity. Hard situations I faced and I must face as a gay. Who knows I’m gay. My relationship with my parents. My relationship with my friends. Where does my knowledge of gay reality come from. My relationship with my nakedness and others'. My relationship with masturbation. My relationship with pornography. My relationship with meeting-websites and erotic chat. How do a I deal with my emotions/sexuality. My relationship with girls. My relationship with hetero guys. My relationship with gay guys. What strikes me most in a guy. My previous emotional life. My current emotional situation. My affective satisfaction level. My sexual satisfaction level. The weight of sex in my emotional world. What I want from my boyfriend. What I think I can give my boyfriend. What I wish related to my emotional life/sex. Frustrations related to my emotional life/sex. What I want to know about the emotional life/sex of other gay guys. How much I am informed about the risks related to certain sexual behaviors. Suggestions to improve this form.

Help us to make known the true gay sexuality. Thank you in advance for your cooperation.

Here are the links to the Italian form and to the Italian results.
To participate:
http://spreadsheets.google.com/viewform?formkey=cC13ekk1S1AxazloZ2ZPdGgweUEwQ0E6MA
To read results:
http://spreadsheets.google.com/pub?key=p-wzI5KP1k9hgfOth0yA0CA

GayProject

SPECIAL FRIENDSHIPS AND GAY SEXUAL EXPERIENCES

2009-04-21T01:59:00.005+02:00

This post is dedicated to the concept of "gay sexual experience".

This is a concept that often emerges when I talk in chat with gay guys. The "gay sexual experiences" can be considered in several aspects:

1) As a kind of license for to be in gay sexuality on the basis of the theorem according to which masturbation is adolescence sexuality while sexual couple experiences are a passport to adult sex life.

2) As a kind of learning and exploring sexual life being somehow a couple.

3) As a gradual sexual approach toward another guy to which you feel a real affective transport but you don’t know his sexual orientation.

The point of view N. 1 implies sexuality not as a contact between two real guys but as individual skill. The younger guys are using terms like "at my age the other guys have already done such things”, guys about 25 and beyond, express themselves differently: "I have not ... I have never done." Guys over 30 use more melancholy like "I don’t want to miss the train", or worse "if not now I’ll never do…”.Despite the difference in terms of words we can see that these are people who give to their sexual initiation a particular value in itself, regardless of who is the person that will be their partner in the first experience. In essence there is an underestimation of the emotional dimension and an overestimation of the sexual one. The anxiety of the first time here is not the anxiety that captures a guy who is to make sex for the first time with a guy that he loves, but is the anxiety of making as soon as possible that first time, even with a unknown guy. You use the term "weaning" from the perspective of the guy who allows another guy to make his first sexual experience or even "losing virginity" from the perspective of those who experiment their first experience so much desired and finally realized, without any too specific sexual reference. Very often in such situations guys end up being more or less satisfied or frustrated according to the variety of the sexual performance and its correspondence to a model of gay sexuality derived from pornography. In this sense, terms like "we did everything" or "we had a full intercourse" are hiding the idea of sexuality as performance. Dominates the idea of being adults by the sex, the typical idea of boys not yet fully mature in emotional terms, but this is valid for all ages.

The point of view N. 2 represents a condition of a much more mature sexuality and it’s really satisfactory if the participation in the life of the couple is deep under the emotional profile. Each one of the two guys of the couple may consider the other as a necessary tool to realize his own sexual fantasies, and I would say that so the emotional dimension is quite marginal, but the idea of sexual experiences as a way of exploring couple sexuality can also be linked to a deep feeling of friendship and mutual respect, or to an even more emotional experience, which could be just an approach to the true emotional couple sexuality. I add that, often, sexual experiences born under serious relationships with the premise that "there is nothing too much serious", then slowly and almost imperceptibly consolidate prior to the establishment of a common share of sexual contact and then to create much more complex relationship in which emotions and sexuality interact. In any case, the point of view N.2 starts from the concept of a couple in which both boys have precise ideas about their behavior and can confront each other explicitly in a dimension of real sharing but it is a condition that is not very common for gay guys.

The point of view N. 3 is probably the most common among gay guys not declared for which a couple relationship or just a friendship that provides the opportunity to talk openly about gay sexuality is actually more a dream than an hypothesis. For these guys, and not just for the young but also for the thirties and beyond, the physical sexuality does not go beyond masturbation, at least for long periods. These guys fall in love anyway, even in many situations involvements are unilateral and in many cases they tend toward heterosexual guys or more often to guys that seam only weakly heterosexual, and guys who fall I love wit them don’t know with certainty their sexual orientation. It must be said that these special friendships are much more common than people think and cannot be reduced to the category of straight-gay relationship because in the building phase of the friendship operate many selective mechanisms, so the gay guy tends to drop the opportunity to automatically create serious relationship with a boy too markedly heterosexual or with a boy who does not offer to the first attempts to contact him an encouraging response. The guy who does not feel gay, on the other hand, accepts a relationship of close friendship with another guy only if he has no foreclosure to a deep emotional involvement that ties him to his friend. In short, neither of the boys comes by chance in a friendship like this. I must underline that I intend to refer to deep emotional relationships and really desired by both partners. The guy who is not gay is fully at ease within this relationship. The gay guy takes it instead at two separate levels, one of friendship and sharing where there is no place to anything explicitly sexual, and one not declared and implicit dominated by the sex approach. In particular, beyond friendship the gay guy sees the possibility of a love story and he lives the relationship in a tension towards a developmental dimension explicitly sexual that often is intended to frustration. The gay guy lives that friendship in a heavily sexualized way, hi masturbates thinking about his friend but cannot tell him that. Apparently a mechanism necessarily leads to a situation of deadlock, but in reality things are very different. In about 50% of cases, the evolution of the forms of sexual friendship is realistic hypothesis. As I said elsewhere, often not explicitly gay partners of these special friendships are sexually confused young guys with an apparently typical heterosexuality but with a typically gay affectivity, in other words are guys with latent homosexuality. In other cases they are guys who manifest a partial bisexuality, and other times are still objectively straight guys involved in a kind of very open friendship, which may appear similar to homosexual behaviors. In all these cases the special friendship may have not only a profound sense in the terms in which it manifests itself initially but may also present possible developments sometimes unexpected and unpredictable because it can lead to the maturation processes of awareness on the part of the boy who seams not explicitly gay but can expand the boundaries of to include ways of acting which are practically impossible for any pair of straight friends. A gay guy knowingly engaged in these kinds of friendships, conceives sexuality only within that friendship, for him the sexual experiences are neither a personal qualification nor a way of living a shared sexuality but an attempt to involve his friend, also from the sexual point of view, especially if such a hypothesis seems to be credited by various behavioral signs from the boy. If a guy loves another guy in an authentic manner and not only to make him just a sex object, he corresponds to the needs of the guy who he loves, hi will never try to impose in any way his own views or sexual categories. However, even when the beloved appears straight, the gay guy assumes that, under the appearances there is something gay. Adapting to your partner is not then adjust to what he reveals about himself, which could lead to situation that could remain locked in stalemate, but encourage the growth of the awareness of the submerged part of the personality of his friend. The gay guy, just pushed by the idea of latent homosexuality of his companion, could never stop with him to behave as if his reputation was 100% hetero. The gay guy must somehow build in his mind a step by step way so that gay sexual experiences, more or less explicit, can awaken the homosexuality of his friend. This is usually a genuine therapeutic path towards homosexuality. In this way, if the gay guy really loves his friend, important assumptions must be taken for granted:

1) If my friend is really straight, I’ll love him anyway.

2) The path-based sexual experiences are essentially oriented to the happiness of my friend, so I can be happy with him and share a sexual contact, but the purpose is not primarily my sexuality but his.

3) I have no haste and no absolute goals, but I will always adapt to my friends times and to his real needs.

These conditions combine a selfish dimension linked to the final satisfaction of sexuality in a loving altruistic motivation which is to promote the sexuality of others. The sexual experiences which gradually the gay boy assumes and somehow tries to achieve, if he has the possibility, assume in him forms of inhibition of sexuality and are governed by certain principles:

a) must be avoided anything that creates or stabilizes the inhibition, the aggression, the insistence, the tones that indicate frustration or disappointment.

b) You must take for granted that the most uninhibited behavior gradually arise spontaneously in very relaxed and tied game moments of non-sexual intimacy.

c) You must avoid taking non necessary actions or just in the wrong moments, while the response to the verbal and non-verbal proposals of their companion must be accompanied by an immediate smile.

d) You must adopt the highest availability to your companion, both of time and of emotional response. Devote time to your companion is the ultimate sign of attention.

e) You must be remembered that the purpose is not to have sexual intercourse with your partner but to allow him to overcome the blocks and inhibitions through an approach to the gay sexuality as smooth as it’s possible.

f) When your partner takes a step forward in the direction of the acceptance of gay sexuality, it should be presented as perfectly normal, expected and obvious. When there is a refusal, partial refusal or referral to another time, it must be accepted as not frustrating and in the relationship nothing should change.

Of course, the way towards acceptance of gay sexuality for some guys is long and for guys with latent homosexuality it may not lead to any conclusion, that means could not lead and in many cases does not lead to the emergence of homosexuality at conscious level.

The way of the gay experience, progressively more explicit, to bring a boy with latent homosexuality to the awareness of his sexual orientation may be interrupted shortly or can be very long and tortuous, and often the dreamed result is not achieved at all. The awareness of this fact by itself is more than enough to remove boys that are not really in love from the idea of embarking on this difficult road and this way, very arduous and with uncertain outcomes, remains the prerogative of the only guys who have real profound emotional interest to their friend. For these boys the real satisfaction is not to realize their personal dream to share sex with their friend but a path, or a stretch of path, that aims ideally at least to a deeper reciprocal emotional life.

_______________

If you like, you can participate to debate about this topic that is opened in Gay Project Forum:

http://progettogay.gratisforum.tv/viewtopic.php?f=39&t=278

HOW I UNDERSTOOD TO BE GAY

2008-08-24T22:13:00.008+02:00

Understanding of being gay ... My real problem for at least three years was just that. Until 17 I felt straight, not very enthusiastic in chasing after girls, I had to stand them more than anything else, but there I was and I didn’t refuse girls, and girls sunned after me sometimes, I believe I’m a nice boy and some girl always wanted to be my friend.

At school all my classmates wanted badly to go to dance, especially on Saturday evenings to a disco. Sometimes I went too, between 17 and 18, but going to dance for me meant only going to dance and nothing else, for other guys things were different, they went there to be able to hide somewhere with girls, even without doing anything wrong, or perhaps no, who knows, perhaps I’m naive. I went there and didn’t dance, almost never. When I had to embrace some girl I tried also to keep her distant from “there”.

All these things could make me understand how things were, but nothing like that happened and I understood later why. A that time I went to Church a lot (and now I’m in crisis from this point of view but then everything was different), at that time I didn’t even think I was gay, that is, is not that I was thinking about the problem deducing I was straight, It wasn’t a problem at all for me. It was obvious that I was heterosexual. I didn’t feel gay temptations at all, I know that it seems absurd, but didn’t happen at all. I have read on this forum about getting hard and masturbating for a friend.

Today I know what it means but then such things never happened to me. That little amount of sexual fantasies that I was doing where only about girls, because everybody used to do such things about girls. So to say, then I sublimated everything, more or less, I masturbated but thinking about girls even if it wasn’t an exciting thing. But look. At that time, even showering with my friends in the pool was nothing at all for me. It was a pride for me having my sexuality reduced to a minimum.

When I went to confess, sometimes at least, I hadn’t even to tell that I masturbated because I wasn’t addicted to that and I felt very proud. You can say: "Then how did you live?" Practically all sports, school, volunteering ... In short I was a swimmer almost for national selections, not exactly but very close to it and for me those things were important, I spent entire afternoons in the pool and my coach considered realistic the idea of sending me to the Italian championships and this thing was very gratifying for me. .. Do you know what a training level for swimmers like me is? .... Then I added the study, because I was also very good at school and such things made me feel perfect. Teachers at school told me that I was great, the coach told me that I could go to national games, priests told me I was doing very well avoiding masturbation ... you understand, I could feel the perfect guy model.

Only my father, sometimes, I think, was a little perplexed, but not that I was gay, that I simply had set aside my sexuality to devote myself to other things. Dad tried to tell me that in life there are other things, certainly he meant girls, but not even nominated, I answered I had many other things to do and that I was thinking a lot about girls. And I was really convinced of thinking girls.

In short, things went on like this up to 19 y. o... Then I signed up for engineering and at engineering department I met Stephen and there our story began. After the first days of class I see that there is a serious guy, a little like me, always taking notes, who does not go out during the intervals and is always there studying his book, a guy who doesn’t use to get acquainted with other guys or to lose time ... I notice him, yes, but just notice... then something unpredictable happens, the analysis teacher explains Heine-Cantor theorem doing this premise: "I’ll explain it but you won’t understand anything at all!" For me, like I was at that time, such things ware like a glove challenge.

I had to understand the Heine-Cantor theorem. I work the utmost commitment; approximately, I can also understand the general meaning but did not understand precisely why it was something important and could have a practical utility. The day after, Stephen approaches me (blessed be the Heine-Cantor theorem!) And tells me: "But did you understand the theorem that the teacher explained yesterday?" Look, for me that question had not in any way flavor of a personal approach; it was only a request for explanations about a theorem of analysis. I have tried to master to him from what I understood but Stephen replied objections to which I did not know how to answer and I ended up smiling and enlarging my arms as to say: "Well ... perhaps I didn’t understand anything at all!”

When next lesson begins he remains seating next to me, but I don’t even notice. Then at the end of the lesson he tells me: "Do we try to understand how it works?” I say yes and we spend the whole afternoon on the Heine-Cantor theorem, slowly the issue clarifies and at the end we feel the thing pretty simple. In the evening when we say bye we tell each other that next day we were going to ask the teacher whether or not what we understood was right. In the evening, at home, I newly studied the theorem and next morning after class we asked the teacher and he told us that the meaning was exactly what we had understood. I felt radiant ... but only for the Heine-Cantor theorem.

In the following days, Stephen thought that we could study together because we were serious guys who don’t like waste time and we began to study together. I would like to underline that we only studied, not even a word about other subjects, we were too taken with the idea of passing all examinations at the first session, and for us that was the first goal. In practice we have only studied until the end of examinations and we passed all exams and all with 30/30 and it wasn’t easy at all. We felt in ecstasy, but next day I missed a lot the study with Stephen ... and I think the same happened to him.

He called and told me ... what do you do today? My answer: nothing! so we met in the early afternoon but we had nothing to do, we talked all the afternoon, I fully Catholic, he just the opposite but respectful, political ideas were not very different, then we talked about books, cinema, songs, teachers, high school and many other subjects, but never about girls or sex. I then didn’t notice at all such things but later I understood ... When we are going to say bye I ask him about his plans for the next day, he offers me an exhibition on Impressionists and I agree.

Next morning, after the exhibition, about which he knew everything more than an art history teacher, we go to eat something at fast food restaurant and then we walk around the city. Together we are good. We are two friends walking in a beautiful July afternoon. In short, things went so for about half a summer.

My parents in August go to the mountains for three weeks; I use to go with them. I ask Stephen what he’s going to do in August, he asks me: "And you?" I say, instinctively: "I’ll stay here ..." and he tells me: "I too!" I feel happy. When I go back home I say to my parents that I have to stay at home. My father tells me only: "But don’t’ be mad with books!" At that moment for the first time I realize that I have skipped three weeks in the mountains to stay with Stephen. Several days after he told me he did exactly the same to stay with me.

When my parent were away, Stephen used to come to my house, sex was miles from us, either to him or to me, we were happy to be together, talking, cooking, relaxing and telling each other prudently about our lives. In those afternoons we began to talk about sex: two heterosexual friends who talk about sex, he tells me at the beginning of his two girls and I tell him of my adventures, so to say.

Then our confidence became slowly more and more and he told me that, however, he was not enthusiastic about sex, I told him that for me was just the same and then we discussed with a greater freedom. For me, but I think even for him, it was an incredible sense of liberation talking freely about sex, although in fact we spoke nevertheless much more trough allusions than directly, but substantially our talking was serious. Neither he nor thought to be gay, we were two straight not enthusiastic guys, that was all.

Then Stephen was entirely blocked, the fluency of the previous days seemed to disappear, he came to my house but didn’t like to stay at home but wanted to leave the house to go around the city, not talking about us but just about books and exhibitions. ... I had had enough of it ... but I did not say anything.

One evening, when he left, he tried not to give me an appointment for the following day; he was formal, and never happened before. I put him on the spot, I saw that he was embarrassed and he told me: "Come on, I'm not going to talk about it ... don’t worry, I’m not down on you ... "and he left. I was there in all my discomfort, I didn’t know what to think, I called him on the phone, he replied very short messages, then closed the phone but I didn’t let him go, at the end he told me: "Okay, I’ll come tomorrow, you’re right you have to know ... "

The next day came, he was stressed, asked me not to interrupt and in very few words told me that he thought he was in love with me but the situation seemed absurd to him because he never fell in love with a boy, what instead was happening . I then still thought I was heterosexual and I replied as I thought a good heterosexual boy should reply to a gay friend of his in such a situation: "I am sorry but I cannot agree because I am heterosexual ... I like you but... "He didn’t even let me end my phrase and he left saying that he was tired and didn’t even bear to stay there ...

When he left I felt a violent feeling of emptiness, I was a few minutes shocked ... then I went racing at the bus stop where he had to take his bus, I saw him get in but didn’t join him in time ... I felt death ... I said to myself: "But I love this boy ... I don’t know about sex factor, but I can’t live without him ... "I sent a text message:" I love you ... now I understand!"He called me and told me: "Is it true?”I said:" I went racing to reach the stop I saw you get in and leave but I was not able to reach you in time and I was going to break down and cry ... I can’t do without you, without you I die ... don’t put me down this way ... I love you, Stephen ... I love you ...", and he said, stay there at the bus stop I’ll arrive in minutes. And he closed the phone ...

Ten minutes later I saw him arrive racing and panting ... We embraced crying in the middle of the road. Do not think that we went home to have sex, to get there; it took more than a month. He wanted us, both, to do test for AIDS and then our relationship was characterized by a form of mutual shyness, hesitation, a little as Project says.

Now we are together for a year, we passed all examinations also of the second year ... I think that without Stephen I would never have understood to be gay. Now we have our whole sexuality but it’s too private and I’ll keep it private. I just wanted to say that there are many ways to feel gay and perhaps there are so many ways of being gay that it is difficult to understand them completely. Thanks to all and to Project in particular.

______________

If you like, you can participate in English in the discussion of this post open on Gay Project Forum:

http://progettogay.forumfree.net/?t=31319785

GAY GUYS AND GAY SEX

2008-08-10T20:00:00.004+02:00

As usual the analysis of access keys to my websites gives me concrete arguments for reflection. I have chose some fairly typical. Among the access keys used by parents probably some are worthy of attention, alongside the classics "Parents of gay children" "Accept gay children" I find also: "Discover the child who masturbates" "My son masturbates what do I do?" The use of these keys for access, far from awaken a smile, should be taken very seriously. In this case a parent worries not about the homosexuality of his son but that the boy masturbates. The use of the verb "discover" is indicative of the sense of surprise of the writer, but beyond the discovery one wonders how to behave. Speaking about boys (son), a key access like those mentioned, used by a father, would seem absolutely incredible, because I do not think that an adult man might wonder about the idea that his son masturbates. If, as I think, these access keys are used from mothers, I can only infer that these ladies have not the slightest knowledge of male sexuality. In this sense, their attitude may be entirely ruling and not informed and can produce not small trauma for children. Let me note that the wonder of the parent who is surprised that his son masturbates is exactly symmetrical to that of the son who discovers that parents have a sex life, but while everybody can understand the dismay of a very young boy we cannot justify the puzzled attitude of the parent. The sexuality of a guy, especially if young, finds the most obvious achievements in masturbation. The privacy of a guy who masturbates must never be disturbed for any reason, much less by a parent. For a boy, being surprised in the act of masturbating is a terrible, traumatic experience, especially if the discovery by the parent is accompanied by signs of concern. A guy, now adult, told me that he was surprised by his father while masturbating and that wasn’t particularly traumatic for him, but the scene was designed more or less like this: the father comes in the room while the child is masturbating, apologizes, closes the door and leaves and, later, makes no reference to the fact, when the father sees his son embarrassed tells him: "look everybody does masturbate!" and the story ends there. No parent can seriously expect to meddle in these things that are absolutely private affairs of children. Very different, and much more delicate is the question of the relationship of parents with gay children, especially when it gay children made their coming out outside the family. I must underline that a group, usually fed, of readers comes to my sites with keys like this: "Tell parents to be gay" "Tell parents to be homosexual" "Coming out homosexuality parents" or even "Gay boys worked over by parents" Yesterday evening it happened to me to chat with a guy 21 y. o ., a serious guy, not chasing easy sex but friendship through chat (which is certainly not the best place to find gay friends). He said that friends know nothing about his sexual orientation, if they knew they would drop him immediately. He hasn’t the courage to tell his parents that he’s gay, because his father would react violently, and every time you talk about gay he manifests a terrible aggressive attitude. Even at 21 y. o., therefore, gay guys are afraid to come out with their parents. This is not exceptional ... it’s the rule. But a boy becomes aware of being gay much earlier than 21 y. o.. A group of access keys, probably coming from very young boys, indicates the uncertainty about being gay and understanding exactly what being gay means. " What age boys discover to be gay? " "How can I understand if I’m gay" "How understand if a guy is gay" Another group still indicates the need to find a comparison on the first gay experiences and the possibility of a heterosexual love. "I discovered to be gay" "Stories of boys who discover to be gay" "Stories of first gay experiences" "Friend's love of the same sex" "Homosexuality in schools" "Why am I in love with a heterosexual?" "Love between a boy and a heterosexual guy" "I gay, he heterosexual" Another group of access keys is about finding "not dangerous" contacts with other gay guys. "Chat for gay boys" "How to trust gay sex meetings in chat" Very often the loneliness of younger gay children takes them to the gay chats and here the speech is very delicate, not only because the soliciting of non legal boys through chat is criminally sanctioned, but even apart from this aspect, chats are a very special world . In the chats I found even very young boys (if they were really) so immediate with obscene proposals that I think very clearly that it was prostitution. As you do, this things will remain anyway. I would rather consider the guys (almost all legal) who seek sex on the net. Some of them have certainly nothing to do with prostitution but clearly aim to sexual activity usually without a direct meeting, but via webcam, in a way that is very risky, because movies can be recorded, and I think that they really are in many cases. Consequences can range from the publication on porn sites to real forms of blackmailing, when you meet people so naive to be recognizable. So I advise in the most absolute anyone sailing in the chats not to use webcam ... that are dangerous especially with unknown people. In chat you usually receive a call that begins with the question "got a webcam ?"... Caution! Obviously the same goes for the exchange of photos. But let’s come to the only written chats, which are those that I care about most. Many proposals for sexual contacts, that can be obtained on these chats, are not aggressive, are colloquials, there is a little dialogue and even not so stupid sometimes. Indeed I meet in chat guys in search of sex that aren’t surely typical good guys. Usually they aren’t very young boys, but between 20 and 24 y. o. ... they are polite, educated, before closing a brief conversation with me, that declare my age immediately, they feel obliged to chat a little with formulas such as "hello, was a pleasure to meet you." With some of these guys I was able to make a serious conversation even a quarter of an hour. I wonder why these guys go to seek sex on a chat. In theory it could be more adequate to seek emotional contacts with guys known in real life .... but evidently it is so difficult that the option of chatting is the only practicable. All this dismays me. Essentially all good things these guys could find in real life, in fact, are utopia, while a little chatting or a little sex online are concrete realities. Generally guys seeking gay sex in a moderate chatting hare no more than 25/26 y. o., when you meet older guys (few, but there are) the conversation becomes more serious, more personal and adult contact, you may experience a true dialogue also not very short and you can also find a real will of not superficial comparison. Typically, around 25 y. o. a gay guy has found his balance, more or less precarious but it has found it, and the search for sex chatting becomes marginal. The image of the gay planet that comes out of the chats is quite varied and, in any case, refers to very young age groups, accustomed to the use of Internet and to a more uninhibited interpersonal contact. For now I will stop here.

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GAY LOVE AND COMING OUT

2008-08-10T16:12:00.008+02:00

Hello Project,

I wanted to tell you my story and I would like to know what you think, bellow there's my contact, if you like chatting with me just a little.

Call me Mark, it’s not my real name, but everybody calls me this way, because I don’t like my real name, I’m 21 y. o., live in a big city, and study physical education sciences, I study subjects related to sports because I practice sports and I’m an athlete at competitive level and also with excellent results. That is, even though I know that the career of a player and in particular specialties that I practice ends very soon, I’d like to remain in the world of sports because it is my real world and because I really feel at ease there. I sport since I was a young boy; the gym is my second home or even the first, because I spend more time in the gym than at home.

But I come to the point. Until last year I have not thought much about sex. I had to attend school, then university and had mainly competitions that for me were very important. In practice until last year, but I would say all last year if not beyond, even in January, February 2008, for me sport was only sporting activity. I never felt embarrassment in the locker room or showering with other guys and I did also some sexual joke and sometimes I was also the victim of such jokes but absolutely no problem, indeed I always liked a lot the free locker room environment because we play a little there and I like well such things, but from the beginning of March, that is from a very short time, things have really changed. Do not ask me why and if there is a good reason, I thought so but I have not been able to discover one. You have understood! I started to realize that in the locker room there were other naked guys and I began to worry about. I had never noticed that my mates where naked in the locker room or in the shower for me all that was always absolutely normal, but, let's say, by March I started to notice them. For them nothing had changed at all but for me it was very different, I was aware of that, I was interested, in short, I was studying my mates and beginning to think how would have been nice if those guys were in love with me. Outside, I continued to behave more or less as before even if I was beginning to have problems controlling the erection, which in the locker room and showers is not a little taboo, so that it’s the hallmark that you are gay. You do everything to avoid erection and you are worried because you don’t understand how other guys could take such things. The result of all this: I spend in the locker room just a minute and I try to be dressed as much as possible, but then the moment of truth arrives and then anxiety comes. Virtually I’m at ease with my being gay, I had virtually no problem, and although I had never had a girl in the truest sense of the word, but just little stories, that I have never taken seriously, in practice I have only taken note of what I knew already. But when you're gay and live in places like those where I live, that is in the midst of athletes that are not all beautiful how people think even if among them there are really those very sexy, well, inside you feel a certain agitation. I read that many young men seek meeting sites or gay chats, I never did such things, for me the gym is everything also from this point of view, I would have practically no need to seek sex photos on the net because I am among guys when and how I like. My real problem is another, that is to understand if among the guys I like there are gay guys because I’d never fall in love with a straight guy making a poor showing and being teased. I'm also having problems about sport performances, my trainer says it often and asks me why, but I can’t tell him how things really are. Another thing. Do not laugh: I never had any gay experience; I never made sex with anyone. Now I think I’m not really in love, because as Project says: to fall in love it’s necessary to be two, and then I’m not missing sex in the true meaning of the word, when It happens I do what everybody does, but I don’t like to get involved in troubles to make sex with a guy that I don’t know and don’t even know if he’s healthy, for such stuff count me out. Now, I can say, I’m alone just in the sense that I don’t have a boyfriend. I premise I don’t even have gay friends, I found the Project’s gay blog on Google and I was amazed by the monstrous amount of material that it contains. I built my little knowledge on gay issues on that blog but not only by reading the posts (I can read Italian) but also the comments, then I discovered the forum, first I didn’t notice it, but it’s also a mine. And I read a lot of very interesting posts, but I have not had the courage to enroll. Now, speaking honest, I think that sooner or later I will make some big poppycock in the gym, to tell the truth there is a guy who attracts me very much there. I’m now his coach, he is in a group entrusted to me, 19 y. o., he’s younger than me, but I’m 21, not 50. He’s really beautiful and then we shower together every day, in short, you understand, I like everything of him. With him I behave in a casual and friendly manner, as I do with the other guys, but with others I am spontaneous, with him no, we talk so much, both before and after the shower, he trusts me completely and considers me just like a brother. He has to graduate in days, just a couple of weeks ago he was very sad, we waited to talk and he told me that the mathematics teacher called him unexpectedly and graded him badly and said that he could never pass the examination. He had studied a lot but that the teacher was just a piece of shit that would have done everything to put him in trouble, because he had it in for him, at some point his eyes became red and he was going to cry. I wanted to embrace him, I wanted to keep close to tell him that I loved him but I felt frozen and I didn’t move at all, I saw in his eyes just two tears that torn my soul, he was ashamed and dried tears with hands. I told him that last year I lost a very important medal for two hundredths of a second and later, when no one saw me, I started crying like a fountain. Then there has been training and I cuddled him a lot and he was happy for all this attention, then in the shower I had the impression that he almost tried my eyes, that is he was trying to understand if I observed him and I think he understood, when we left he waited to speak with me but in another way, at least I had the impression that it was in another way, he looked into my eyes more directly and smiled, I thought that he wanted an encouragement but I didn’t anything. It is true that with me he has talked about girls but this does not mean anything. My anxiety is now only about is being gay or not? To tell the truth it’s as if I had the premonition to be on the verge of being involved in some ugly mess and that’s why I try to treat him well, but without going beyond and indeed I take care also of other guys, but I should say rather I pretend to take care of those guys trying to get reed of his image that is always in front of me. I study all the ways to stay with him as long as possible, without looking too much interested and when it’s possible, I do whatever I can, to avoid to meet him, in practice now we talk only when it is he that calls me but I never take the initiative. But when he asks me, I show me very excited. Today in the shower I looked and noticed he had an erection, but most likely one sees what he wants to see. Shit! I can’t stand that no more! But why should I fall in love with a guy and not have the courage to speak openly! What could happen? I don’t know. In practice I think that he never got the suspicion that I’m gay, or perhaps yes, I don’t know what to think, but it is an unbearable stress. Want to laugh? Well I think he is heterosexual and that is fine with me because for him there are no complications of any kind about sex and he thinks that this is the case even for me. So I am condemned to this eternal torment of not knowing how to behave. If things go on like that and he doesn’t freeze me with something extraordinary, like seeing him kissing a girl or joking stupidly on gays, well, I believe that I will make the madness, I tried many times to prepare the speech but I think that at the end I would be trivial and very direct, such as: "I am gay and you?" And at this point he jabs me in the face or I looks upset. Sometimes in the locker room I feel like I’m sex maniac and sometimes I even feel guilty over the guy who I like best because in fact I am cheating him and I hate to cheat him, and that could well be one of the fundamental reasons for making the big step and tell him how things really are.

A hug,

Marc

P. S. if you publish this mail, we’ll see what guys think.

__________

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MASTURBATION GAY SEXUALITY AND SEXUAL ORIENTATION

2008-07-15T12:56:00.007+02:00

MASTURBATION GAY SEXUALITY AND SEXUAL ORIENTATION

I was asked repeatedly to speak in the most simple and at the same time most explicit way about psychological problems related to the various stages of sexual development of a gay boy. I’ll try to do so taking into account only two topics: sex identity and masturbation, with the premise that I am not a doctor or a psychologist, although I spend my days talking and chatting with gay guys of all ages and often we talk about issues related to sexuality, then I will appeal only to my experience in this activity.

THE DISCOVERY OF MASTURBATION

The masturbation is the voluntary act of touching yourself in order to give you pleasure and reach orgasm.

The age of first fully aware masturbation in the vast majority of cases is between 10 and 15 y. o.. Although in many cases the boy knows of masturbation by the stories of fellow schoolmates and friends, many boys still discover masturbation incidentally, that is quite random. The boy starts getting comfortable with his genital organ in several ways: he observes the erections, and touches it, initially just to wash or to pee. With the habit of manipulating his penis he finds that he can easily give himself pleasure. The manipulation of the penis, which is pleasant, proceeds automatically until the discovery of orgasm.

At 15 y. o. almost all the boys practice masturbation. Between 13 and 17 boys masturbate more than once a day. The frequency of masturbation falls slightly with age, for kids who do not have a sexual partner, and rarely falls below 20 times per month.

There is no difference in masturbation technique between heterosexual and gay boys. There is instead a profound difference between heterosexual and gay boys regarding the sexual fantasies that help to maintain the erection during masturbation. Heterosexual guys think intensely to girls, gay guys think intensely to another boy. It is precisely for this reason that masturbation leads gradually to gay boys awareness of being gay.

Generally boys feel masturbation as something very pleasant and at the same time forbidden, to be done with the utmost secrecy and of which they can’t talk at all. For a boy, be caught by his parents while masturbates is one of the most terrible humiliations. These attitudes, often complicated by moral formalism and religious influences, contribute, unfortunately, to spread negative ideas about masturbation. But masturbation is an important manifestation of sexuality that will accompany a boy for life and will not be set aside, however, when other kinds of sexual intercourse will appear, but will interact with them. Learning to know your body and its reactions can give you many ideas to live better the couple sex.

The condemnation of masturbation as a grave sin by the Catholic Church deserves a particular reflection [Catechism of the Catholic Church. 2396 "Among the sins gravely contrary to chastity, should be cited masturbation, fornication, pornography and homosexual practices."] The formula used by the Catechism is without appeal. The boys who attend church regularly tell the priest in confession that they masturbate, using usual formulas, one classic: "I have sinned against purity." The priest proceeds (often in a very mechanical way, to ask how many times, whether alone or with others, then repeats the usual formulas of condemnation of masturbation and requires the penitent (or alleged such) a commitment in order to avoid it. Penitent proves repentant and is acquitted. In reality this is a false repentance, the boy will quickly return to the masturbation and will do it as much as possible before the next confession (because “now purity is lost”). Then the boy goes back to confession and the cycle restarts. The result is a strong push toward the hypocrisy from the church who knows how things are, that repentance is not repentance and that the mechanism aims only to surreptitiously induce feelings of guilt that keep the boy in a state of subjection. Many priests do not even consider masturbation a sin and thus get the result to keep the boys linked to the Church. Other priests fight real crusades and so create for the most sensitive boys situations of enormous stress, feelings of guilt deep conditioning and inhibitions against sexuality. For many boys the Church's position regarding masturbation is a cause of deep suffering.

What we described above has quite different contours when the boy is gay.
Because the Church not only condemns masturbation but directly and without appeal homosexuality [Catechism of the Catholic Church, Art. 2357 Homosexuality designate relations between men or women who experience sexual attractive, exclusive or predominant, towards people of the same sex. It is manifested in very different forms over the centuries and in different cultures. Its psychological genesis remains largely unexplained. Building on Sacred Scripture, which presents homosexual acts as grave depravity, tradition has always declared that 'acts of homosexuality are intrinsically disordered ". They are contrary to natural law. Prevent the sexual act from the gift of life. They do not proceed from a genuine affective and sexual complementarity. Under no circumstances they can be approved.] (A more complete collection of condemnations of homosexuality by the Catholic Church can be found in the post

http://nonsologay.blogspot.com/2007/12/omo...ie-chiesa.html ).

A gay boy in confessional has two problems, one is the masturbation (common toheterosexual boys) and the other is homosexuality. The vast majority of gay boys consider his homosexuality as something natural that so simply and sincerely not consider it as sin and continues to admit only "impure acts" without any specification. When randomly, in confessional emerges in the theme of homosexuality, responses on the part of priests, although in theory all convictions, are actually variously flexible. Even here, probably the idea that a drastic attitude would definitively detach gay boys from the Church, has a not negligible signification.

The real moment of crisis between a gay boy and the Church occurs when the boy comes to discover that the Church expects from him total chastity [art. 2359 of the Catechism of the Catholic Church]. That means that a homosexual to remain in the church must radically deny himself because the Church considers homosexuality "serious depravity", "baleful consequence of a refusal of God", "lack of normal sexual development", "pathological constitution", "conduct intrinsically bad from the moral point of view "(see the post above). What options are possible for a gay guy? He may or try to fully repress himself to comply with what the Church calls, with destructive results in the long term, or play on an endless series of false repentance and relapses as in the case of masturbation, or he could avoid at all reconciling what by definition and irreconcilable. Often boys try the first way, feel it unrealistic, reject the hypocrisy of the second way and finally come to the third, with the definitive separation from the Church and the final storage of the senses of guilt.

You can’t talk about masturbation without mentioning two important issues that are closely linked to it: pornography and masturbation fantasies.

Often masturbation is linked to search for pictures or video content explicitly sexual. The thing itself is not negative, if the guys that make use of pictures or videos for masturbating do so with the knowledge that it’s a fiction, not reality. See video porn generally doesn’t upset boys, but when the thing is loaded with too many valences in replacement for a real poor affectivity, pornography can be experienced as a model of sexuality. Of course these things will not happen if kids who use pornography for masturbating are ripe in emotional terms, but when it comes to very young or not ripe boys, pornographic model is likely to be internalized as a model of real life, which can produce many influences of which it’s difficult to get rid, the first of which the idea of sexuality as "performance".

The sexual arousal that leads to masturbation in most cases is not derived from pornography but by the so-called masturbation fantasies. Masturbation fantasies are fantastic reconstructions of situations considered to be particularly exciting in sexual terms. In the vast majority of cases the masturbation fantasies doesn’t come from pornography but from images of real erotic situations also very distant in time well imprinted in the mind. The masturbatory fantasies usually change very little during life and are the archetypes and units of measurement of sexuality in the sense that a sexual content of real life is often considered more or less sexually exciting according to the compliance with the model represented by masturbatory fantasies. Masturbatory fantasy being a manifestation of absolutely free sexuality of a boy, is strongly indicative of dip sexual orientation of that boy. In some cases the masturbatory fantasies doesn’t keep stable all lifelong but instead change their content more or less rapidly. Approximately one quarter of guys who end up considered definitively gay have lived in advance stages of heterosexuality, which lasted years, with a true heterosexual sexuality. These guys experienced the first elements of emerging gay sexuality from the drifting in gay direction of masturbatory fantasies. However, there are guys that, at least for some periods of their lives, masturbate with both heterosexual and homosexual erotic fantasies. Normally these things are transitory and sexuality ends to go spontaneously toward gay or hetero orientation. [I can't to masturbate any more thinking of a girl]. Sometimes masturbatory fantasies may be upset as a result of traumatic sex events. When masturbatory fantasies change over the years, usually start as heterosexual fantasies and become gay fantasies (the opposite is in fact very rare, I have personally seen only one example) and represent the emerging of deep sexuality repressed from education, from environmental situations or negative experiences. The repression of masturbatory fantasies by a boy is a sign of discomfort, low self-esteem and psychological dependence.

GAY OR NOT GAY

As it’s obvious, the successive stages of sexual development involve a complex psychological development that leads to adulthood. But let's go step by step.

During pre-adolescence, sexual curiosity of boys is very strong. The period from sixth to eighth grades. (11-13 y. o.) represents a delicate moment of psycho-sexual development of a boy. At about 13 y. o., and sometimes 12, the interest of the boys for the male sexual organ increases significantly in relation to their sexual development. It is the age of the comparisons, they want to see the penis of other boys, both same age and older. It is the age of "if you show me yours I’ll show you mine".

All this has nothing to do with homosexuality. Comparisons help boys to assess their sexual development over time and help them feel in a category of normality. However, there are gay boys who experience for the first time their sexual orientation in these occasions because they realize that they live it differently from other boys, that for them it’s not only a moment of confrontation but a true satisfaction of sexual desire.

For boys gay sexuality becomes so often embarrassing, at 14/15/16 y. o. the erection becomes a problem not easy to manage. In situations where other kids do not have an erection, a gay boy not only has but he cannot control it. His excitement is visible in situations where the other boys do not stir. The masturbation of a gay boy, as I said earlier, is done using typically gay fantasies, sexual content linked to the nakedness of other boys that deeply imprints in the memory of a gay boy, what heterosexual boys is not the case, a gay boy realizes that talking about girls stirs the other boys and doesn’t stir him at all.

I won’t touch here the problem of boys who have at this age their first heterosexual relationships and then discover themselves to be gay at distance of years, I will stop instead on boys living in this age, very early , their first sexual gay contact and this is not a small minority.

The first concept to keep in mind to consider adult sexual behavior is linked to the "performance". Let me explain better, often, even among fully adult people the idea of performance ends up dominating the sexual relationship. Performance means to show that you are up to the situation and you are able to do something that is valued only like performance. In the language of adolescents, performance means "being adult" or better "demonstrate that you are adult." Who cares to prove to be adult obviously is not and needs a very elementary vision of sexuality, such as "technical", which is much easier to confront. Older guys 18/19 y. o. and over, usually have a clear idea of sexuality as a emotional contact and not as performance, they fall in love in the truest sense of the word and seeking essentially a deep emotional contact with guys they love, because they really love them. Younger boys, or are already on this line and then are emotionally already adults, or tend to move across sexuality in terms of performance.

I often talk to young boys, aged 16 years or less, which literally "boast" of their sexual performances and are self-considered adults for that sexual performances. I listen often in chat to young guys, even very serious guys, that over the idea of performance know nothing else, boys who consider only "what they do" at sexual level and not with whom or why. In some cases boys who consider themselves gay because they assume their sexual behavior as a typical gay behavior, even if they are completely wrong, reveal incredible inconsistencies. For example: a very young boy, who dealt with a very cavalier attitude every type of sexual practice, refused to kiss the boy with whom he had sexual intercourse, and reacted aggressively to forms of attention from his companion, considered by him not virile things coming substantially from a weak person. These behaviors are obviously immature. Guys (usually older) that are involved with these young boys in a sexual relationship, at the beginning feel satisfied because for them the path to sexual intercourse is facilitated and it’s even possible to get there in the same day in which they know each other, but then, slowly, older guys realize that something isn’t working well and that the center of the relationship consists of the sexual performance, of doing this or that. In other words a older boy realizes the emotional immaturity of his companion and suffers greatly, feels finally unpleasantly the same strong sexual character of the relationship that had initially seemed very gratifying and, even worse, understands the unreliability of his companion who is looking for experiences more than for a person.

It should be borne in mind that he real sex education is essentially affective education and that a boy will live well if his sexuality has reached a generally satisfactory emotional condition. To promote the emotional growth of gay boys we can do many things:

1) Demythologize sexuality avoiding representing it as something intended to shock and prohibited but talking about it as a reality of ordinary life of all persons.

2) Speaking of sexuality in the easiest and most direct possible way, with sincerity and without taking roles in order to help boys understand really what this is all about and grow from the emotional point of view.

3) AVOID EVERY SEX DOGMATHIC namely avoid creating false categories and defining a rigid sexual behavior, in this sense should bear in mind that you must:

a) point out that gay, bisexual and heterosexual are exclusively models of sexual behavior that make sense only if they are seen as elastic ideas and general guidance in the sense that many people cannot be classified in any of these categories because in the sexuality individual variability is very strong and fundamental;

b) set aside the most absolute way the catalogues of sexual behavior, that is avoid to define in the most absolute way which conduct is heterosexual and which gay, both in terms of sexual behavior and in terms of more general affectivity;

c) avoid to underline problems and aim mainly to clear up false problems that generate unnecessary anxiety, insisting on the idea that real sex life of gay people has in the vast majority of cases very little standards. Experience shows that in many cases the boys are taken from anxiety basically for non-existent problems or small problems, common to many boys, and that vanish with the psycho-sexual development.
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GAY GUYS ESCAPING HOMOSEXUALITY AND HETEROSEXUAL MARRIAGE CAGE

2008-07-13T17:33:00.006+02:00

JUST A FEW GAY THOUGHTS

In the life of many guys there is at some point something new and unexpected that arouses curiosity and sometimes disturbance. These are small things that can occur in different ways depending on age of the guy and his previous sexual experiences, but it’s essential to understand the scope and meaning of these things. I’ll list here only for some examples the most typical situations:

1) LOVING FRIENDSHIP - "I know instinctively that I need the physical presence of this friend of mine, I am happy when he’s close to me and I’m sad when he's not, I wait to review him, his voice is printed in my brain, between us there is a total confidence, we say all to each other, for him I would do anything, when he’s not close to me I need him, when he calls me on the phone my heart beats very strong and I’m anxious, I would spend with him all time, when I see him with a girl I’m jealous, and even when I see him speaking with another guy." These expressions commonly interpreted as forms of simple friendship show the establishment of a veiled form of love that apparently has no outside of sexual connotation and very often doesn’t present any conscious sexual connotations even for the guy who lives the loving friendship. This is a highly emotional involvement, which should not be underestimated by the mere fact that it doesn’t show immediately any sexual connotation. It should be borne in mind that the experience of a starting dip love by a gay guy is based on continuity between emotions and sexuality.

2) INVOLUNTARY SEXUAL REACTIONS. Some examples:

a) A beautiful boy just walked by, I turned my head to watch and I was feeling horny but I kept it under control.

b) I spend a lot of time in the locker room to watch a friend of mine who gets undressed and I’m curious to see his dick.

c) I was sitting in the car to talk to a guy, we were alone, and at some point I felt horny.

d) Hour hands just touched for a moment and I felt like a thrill, a kind of electric shock and wanted it to happen again. e) I saw on the street two guys hand in hand and I felt a shiver. f) I saw on the ground a gay porno magazine and I felt horny.

3) VOLUNTARY SEXUAL BEHAVIOURS. Some examples:

a) When we went into school trip I have done everything to get settled in a room with him because I wanted to see him at least in his briefs.

b) In the gym I learned by heart its timetable because I don’t want to miss the moment when he strips.

c) I tried to talk him sexually to see him horny.

d) I deliberately fondled his hair.

e) During the match I felt on him and for a moment I put my hand there. f) I’m always thinking about him and whatever I’d do to him. So at least in the imagination I do very much sex with him. I like him because when I think about him this way I feel horny and I like it when it happens.

g) I jerk off thinking about him; in practice I’m addicted to that.

These things often happen to guys who have a girl and even to guys that have a regular sex life with their girlfriends. The underestimation of the indicative elements that we just reported is extremely common among boys, who are led by environmental pressures, family and religion to credit in themselves the idea of being heterosexual. This way the gay thoughts, that could be outcrop, are removed or more often devalued with attitudes that can be roughly summed up in phrases like:

a) It only happens when she isn’t close to me.

b) It happens only sometimes.

c) I take such thoughts easily under control.
d) Yes, it happens, but I don’t feel conditioned at all.

e) It’s a kind of game, basically for me those things are not very important.

f) Well, it happened, but I’m not gay, I feel I’m not!

g) Well, but it doesn’t matter!

The devaluation of gay content corroborates the guy in his presumption of heterosexuality and starts another mechanism to procure additional confirmation through the exercise of heterosexual sexuality. The boy who is trying to submerge his emerging homosexuality tries to exorcize it in various ways:

1) He starts or intensifies heterosexual involvement focused mainly on sexual dimension. "I got a girl and we do everything."

2) He gives his heterosexual involvement, as it’s possible, a public dimension to show widely his heterosexual live: you see him around with the girl, he takes pictures with her and put the photos on the net, he speaks often about her with his friends.

3) He systematically fails to mention to her his homosexual fantasies.

4) He begins to live his sexuality on two different levels: one, heterosexual, based on external heterosexual relationships and social life and another much more private, homosexual, based on masturbation. Clearly the guy who flees from his gay identity tends to validate the meaning of his heterosexual relationships and to devalue masturbation as something absolutely marginal, precisely because characterized by gay masturbation fantasies.

A gay who behaves as we just described is not heterosexual because he doesn’t love a girl looking to her good and her future but he only uses her, more or less consciously, in order to cover his own homosexuality.

The discovery of their own homosexuality for many guys is something traumatic for cultural reasons and following assimilation of prohibitions and preconceptions of various kinds. These prohibitions and these preconceptions are absolutely senseless; nevertheless such things make the boy who discovers he’s gay, feel like breaking a taboo. The reactions sometimes can also be heavily negative, if the demonization of homosexuality is not only due to social origin but comes from some personal traumatic or unpleasant experience. I’ll try to summarize below some expressions identifying the shock of a guy facing the need to be aware of being gay:

1) I am gay! No! My God! I dislike it at all, I always had a girl, I always liked women, and I’d never be gay!

2) Where I live people are stupid and bad, how can I be gay here? It's impossible!

3) I’m gay like that bastard guy I told you before? No! Better I kill me!

GAY GUYS AND ETHEROSEXUAL TRAP

The gay guys, to escape their homosexuality take refuge in the heterosexuality that is not their true sexual orientation, starting from the premise that heterosexual relationships in which they board are a kind of experiment from which you can exit how and when you want. The assumption is nonetheless very far from reality and the gay guy realizes easily that he entered a situation much more complicated than he thought which involves not only the girl, but her parents and the entire surrounding social environment. In a socially backward, in which the emotional problems of daughters are experienced as a family affair whose natural outlet is marriage, a gay guy who was hiding himself in heterosexuality feels that he is in a sort of golden cage from which it’s very difficult to escape due to a complex interplay of projections and expectations also by the family of the gay guy himself. When a gay guy feels that the golden cage is closing on him, he realizes that he’s going to face two alternative options:

1) Break the engagement, causing many and serious reactions from the girl, her parents and gay guys family itself (if parents are unaware that their son is gay or they are unable to understand).

2) Go ahead despite everything, with the inevitable prospect of marriage. This helps avoids short term problems nevertheless leads to situations without exit, where the gay guy in expected to pretend being heterosexual for a lifetime, accepting the marriage sex life that for a gay guy is certainly unnatural. This way the homosexuality will emerge after marriage with unpredictable and traumatic outcomes.

OPERATIONAL ADVICE

In conclusion what can I advise guys who experience indicative elements of their homosexuality? The answer can be summarized as follows:

1) Do not underestimate the elements that make you think you are gay. 2) Remember that beyond the prejudices and ignorance, being gay is something high and noble and should be lived with dignity, without ever lowering his head in front of anyone. Homosexuality is one of the ways of living human sexuality and for gay people happiness is a possible condition. For that condition of happiness you have to fight strenuously.

3) If you don’t feel really heterosexual do not commit in heterosexual relationships that will be for you only a trap.
______________

If you like, you can participate to the discussion on this post opened on GAY PROJECT FORUM – ENGLISH:
http://progettogayforum.altervista.org/viewtopic.php?f=11&t=119&start=0

INTERNATIONAL GAY PROJECT FORUM

2008-06-27T16:26:00.001+02:00

Dear Friends,
The blog you are reading is one of Gay Project Blogs (three blogs in Italian and this one in English).
I’m going to summarize in a very shot abstract what Gay Project is, how it started and how it developed. The 31/8/2007 gayproject opened the first gay themed blog: PROGETTO GAY (GAY PROJECT) http://progettogay.myblog.it/ a “serious” gay blog that has no political or commercial purpose, but has two specific purposes: a) to promote a dialogue and a serious discussion between gay people, b) to promote a real knowledge about the “real gay world” (invisible, a thousand miles away from the media).
For these purposes, GAY PROJECT blog, published: a) posts that are documents of real gay life, only exceptionally with very limited modifications (to reduce them to an acceptable size for a post and to eliminate references to strictly personal facts or real people); b) posts are only about relevant subjects for gay-live. To date, GAY PROJECT published over 600 posts in Italian. Our Readers added more than 700 comments, many of which are extremely significant. In the early days of September 2007, gayproject opened two other blogs: STORIE GAY http://nonsologay.blogspot.com/ and STORIE GAY E NON SOLO http://storiegay.spaces.live.com these two blogs are essentially two clones of Progetto Gay but on different platforms, created in order to enlarge the visibility. Slowly and progressively around the blog Progetto Gay was created a group of people who, after having commented several times the blog, exchanged their msn contacts with gayproject and subsequently asked to exchange their contacts with other Progetto Gay users. Today there is in fact, a quite informal, but precisely for this very serious group of Gay Project users who know one another, talking with each other frequently chatting and having close friendship, these people, who affectionately gayproject calls blog-boys, are THE REAL GAY PROJECT HEART. Gayproject, after many uncertainties, has finally decided to open a true forum on the platform of forumfree: http://progettogay.forumfree.net/. This new forum entitled "FORUM PROGETTO GAY (GAY PROJECT FORUM)" is a very sophisticated instrument, which offers huge possibilities in terms of flexibility and visibility. Everyone can start new discussions and post comments to those already under way, everyone can propose polls. So the possibilities are enormous.
Let me say that this Gay Project forum is becoming just a great thing and is taken very seriously here in Italy. A forum of this kind was actually my secret dream ... Here the space is all for you, here you have full right of initiative, your presence here is not possible but essential. Thanks boys! The project is growing and the image of gay world that comes out it is high, full of dignity. The Gay Project Forum is a faithful portrait of what real gay guys are: real boys, full of desire to live and to love, true and deep feelings. Gay does all this!
I just started a new section of Progetto Gay Forum. Are you a gay guy who speaks English? If you are interested to let us know your experience and to know how gay guys from other countries live their being gay, please, check the Forum and open a new debate in the English language section of this forum: "Gay Project Forum". Gay Project Forum launches today a new initiative given to all gay guys who speak English or who currently use the English language aimed at creating (if possible) a dialogue between gay guys from different countries to allow each of us to understand how gay reality is experienced in the world. The subjects of Gay Project Forum are: parents and gay teens, gay orientation for young people, to realize that you are gay, coming out, true gay stories, gay discomfort, gay guys, gay and sex, gay couples, if a woman loves a gay, older gay men, how heterosexuals see gay people, gay themed movies, gay and music, our Gay Project. We are waiting for you!

GAY LOVE IN MAURICE NOVEL BY EDWARD MORGAN FORSTER

2007-09-10T21:21:00.000+02:00

GAY LOVE IN MAURICE NOVEL BY EDWARD MORGAN FORSTER

On the novel Maurice by Edward Morgan Forster check:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maurice_%28novel%29
On the Film Maurice directed by James Ivory check:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maurice_(film)
As usually, when I speak about literature or cinema I prefer to send readers to competent and appropriated websites and I specifically like to keep for me the gay aspects of the book and the film. If, from my point of view “Another country” by James Baldwin represents the number one, “Maurice” by E.M. Forster represents the number two, if not another number one ex aequo. When I read this novel for the first time I experimented the exciting sensation of having between my hands a book that would be always on my bedside table. The book is extraordinarily moving. Maurice and Clive, his mate at college, start an homosexual relation, that seems a destined history of long-lasting and deep love to being, but Clive is an ambitious aristocratic young man and chooses to sacrifice the love on the altar of the political career that as homosexual he wouldn’t be allowed to start, he goes further to pretend to fall in love with a girl and to marry her. Maurice and Clive will continue to meet only in a formal way but the first love story of the book went to the end. Maurice, invited from Clive in his estate, knows the Clive’s wife but above all he gets in touch with another young man, a game warden, Scudder. While the aristocratic friends of Clive deal Scuder as a servant and humiliate him giving him little money, Maurice just from the first moment deals with him with respect never caring about social differences and the two of them understand that for them something very different is going to start. In a shadow night Scudder enters the window of Maurice’s room and they make love, the moment is thrilling but next morning Maurice is attacked from the doubt that Scudder could blackmail him, Maurice and Scudder will end up to speak each other clearly and to understand that they are essential to one another. Scudder is to leave as emigrating and Maurice is desperate, he needs to see him, to speak to him, but he does not succeed to that, he goes to the wharf where the steamboat is going to leave but Scudder is not there, then Maurice remembered that they had spoken about the possibility of meeting in the remittance of the boats of Clive’s estate, he goes there as soon as he can and Scudder is really there, he didn’t go away, Maurice is happy so that he can’t even speak And since Maurice did not speak, indeed could not, hi added, “And now we shan’t be parted no more, and that’s finished.”
The last chapter of the book has the bitter taste of the revenge or of the contrappasso of Dante: Clive can see of the happiness of Maurice, he knows that Maurice made the right choice and that he will be in love with Scudder in a reciprocal love affair, while he, aristocratic social climber, will have to go to bed with a beautiful girl whom he does not love and whose life he will ruin in order to follow his ambitions. The novel introduces two characters who represents the gay morality (Maurice) and the gay immorality (Clive). Maurice is a “honest gay” who when falls in love can’t love without getting completely involved and is not inclined to loose love and happiness no matter what he could get in exchange, he loves Scudder and that’s why he affords real risks, putting apart chaste privileges, Clive is the “dishonest gay” who don’t hesitate to set his sexuality apart to get in exchange social privileges, he’s just selling himself to get social prestige. Every dialectic is impossible between these two characters who are the incarnation of the good and the evil under the gay perspective. And about Scudder, who’s not a low range character, I can say that he represents for Maurice the opportunity, the only occasion in order to exit from the limbo of the sublimation. Scudder puts in practice the first real sexual initiatives and in making it he risks a lot and also Scudder has a high morality, a gross man could have used the arm of blackmail but this thought does not grazes him at all not even when he understands that this is just what Maurice is thinking about, he gives him a strong morality lesson reproaching him fur his suspicion of being object of such a low action from his part. Maurice will understand. In the book as in the film there are also more common or strange elements like the doctor that thinks clearly that the homosexuals doesn’t even exist, but these are for sure contour elements. The book is a masterwork because it outlines for the first time the many deep lines of a gay morality, the morality of the respect, of the deep love, of never selling yourself. This novel and the film directed by Ivolry deserve a special attention from the gay part, because if Forster has written many masterworks for the others, he wrote Maurice for himself and also for us. For a gay person, to read Maurice and to see the film are fundamental experiences. Personally I can only say that this book and this film have been very important in my moral formation.

GAY LOVE IN JAMES BALDWIN

2007-09-10T19:21:00.000+02:00

GAY LOVE IN JAMES BALDWIN

This post is dedicated to James Baldwin, one of the most important authors of American literature, if you want, you can find a short information about on

http://it.wikipedia.org/wiki/James_Baldwin

But I don’t want to take care myself of literature hare, there are others that can make it with much more competence, I want instead give this man public rewards for what he made for gay people and also individually for me. He speaks about gay “love”, not banally about sex, but about what’s real gay “love” is, in years in which it was difficult to do that and in an America in which the black people as he was, much more if they used to write supporting homosexual world, did not have easy life. But Baldwin wrote a book that I consider certainly the most powerful book that I have read and also the most important book for my human formation, this book is “Another country”, completed December the 10th 1961 (In English: Black Swan book 0 552 99047 7, published in Italy by Feltrinelli, in 1963, in the translation of Attilio Veraldi and newly published in 2004).It’s a masterwork of the American literature, but it’s the gay side of the book that has always bewitched me. For Baldwin, gay life is something high value, it’s a kind of love with capital letter. The book has tragic implications at the beginning, so that it seems to follow a rather common way in the previous gay literature: gay like tragedy. But the second part, that he is that preponderant one, turns over the things completely and the homosexual love ends to become like something that can give value to the life. The characters are many but the history that constitutes the heart of the book is a wonderful history of gay love, born by chance between Eric, a young American writer, and Yves, a French boy much younger than him. Their history is not a tragedy, is not a loneliness history, not so! It’s an history of true love and it’s a love history that ends well. Eric meets Yves just after the war, the two of them know very well that their life will be anymore like before. The atmosphere is of tenderness, mutual respect, deep love. Eric returns to America and Yves sends him a sweetest letter and after a little time he follows him in the United States. Yves arrives to the airport of Los Angeles and Eric is waiting for him, when the boy crosses the gates with anxious feelings in his heart, he knows that he has just arrived “into that city (Los Angeles) which the people from heaven (the Angels)had made their home”. And with this metaphor the book is concluded. But this history of love is not a fable, Yves loves Eric but he knows that sooner or later he will need to feel free also from Eric in order to be himself; also Eric is aware of all this, he knows that sooner or later, in a future more or less far away Yves will go, will have to go in order to follow his road, but this fact will not make Eric abandon Yves to his destiny, Eric will love him also this way, knowing exactly that sooner or later he will lose him, because, as Baldwin says, in the love affairs “there is nothing to decide but everything to accept”. I consider this sentence really sublime. Thanks James!

ONLY SEVEN DAYS - gay novel by gayproject

2007-09-06T22:36:00.001+02:00

ONLY SEVEN DAYS
GAY NOVEL
by gayproject

Dear friends, I ended today publishing my first short gay novel in English. It’s about an older man who meets by chance two young gay guys. It’s a love story, a story about how difficult could be for everyone of them to accept what’s happening because everyone needs to get used to love.
Here you have the links to the single chapters.
I apologise for my bad English, I’m not a native English speaker.

Cari amici, ho finito oggi di pubblicare il mio primo romanzo breve gay in Inglese. Tratta di un uomo più grande che incontra per caso due ragazzi gay. E’ una storia d’amore, una storia su come possa essere difficile per ciascuno di loro accettare quello che sta succedendo perché ognuno ha bisogno di abituarsi all’amore.
Qui a vere i link ai singoli capitoli.
Mi scuso del mio cattivo Inglese, io non sono di lingua madre Inglese.

ONLY SEVEN DAYS 1

ONLY SEVEN DAYS 2

ONLY SEVEN DAYS 3

ONLY SEVEN DAYS 7 - GAY NOVEL

2007-09-06T21:50:00.000+02:00

ONLY SEVEN DAYS 7
GAY NOVEL 2006
CHAPTER 7 - LAST CHAPTER

... it was 7.00 o’clock and we had two hours to spend waiting for the admission office to open... we went to the campus cafeteria... something decent, non really exceptional... then we did a tour of the campus... there was a list of student organizations recognized by the student government association: Geography, Architecture, Delta Sigma Pi Business Fraternity, Theatre, Pool Sharks, Sigma Nu fraternity, Volley Club... whatever you like... but a gay community... about 2.300 students and no gay club... but it’s a coeducational University... about 1.200 male students... at least one hundred gay students... and no gay club...
“Guys... noting about gay life here... you can find everything but gay association... it sounds a little strange... you must be careful... isn’t it?”
“Yeah... You’re right... Mike... I don’t fell at ease here... “
“Yeah... I understand but you have no choice... It will be hard to deal with but you must learn as soon as possible how to behave in this campus... let’s go to the dorm ...”, while we were going there, the conversation went about gay organizations...
“Mike, what do you think about gay organizations?”
“Gay rights associations?”
“Yeah...”
“Gay-organizations, in my opinion... right, made something good letting people understand that gay people exist... showing gay people in the streets... but I think some of them are much interested in something else... in politics, in making money with parties and public happenings... somehow in using gay people for different purposes... I don’t like such associations... they perhaps make the gay situation even worst... because people commonly associates their shows in the streets with being gay... but sometimes they go much more ahead... naked happenings in the streets... using scandal like an instrument against something... and this way there are a lot of people that could never understand that gay isn’t something abnormal... like walking naked in the streets... gay is something normal ... but this way people will never associate the gay name wit normality... and I think that would be something wrong... completely wrong...”
“But there are gay associations that aren’t this way... I got one in Canada... yes about an adult site... but everything was public except writing in the discussion board ... on this board a lot of people posted regularly... and something very interesting... nothing to do with pornography... One of them got sick and needed money for a surgery... and they paid for him... immediately and went there to support him and his family... they prayed Lord for him a lot... hoping for him to recover immediately... he was going to die just before the surgery... and his friends where really destroyed... then... after five days... his brother posted a message that surgery was over and he was recovering quickly... They made a party... and put pictures on the board and they were really happy... such things are real... really happen...”
“Certainly... and it happens when there isn’t any other purposes in gay associations... but when politics or money are mixed to gay world... the mix risks to be explosive... I think”
“You’re right... you’re right...”
We went there... it was quite a good room wit a private bathroom with a shower... two beds, two desks, two little closet with drawers... they where quite pleased... no people around... just something for them... only for them... we unpacked and set everything to the right place... it was easy... each of them got a key... a security key... I was doing everything as it was for me... but I was aware I had to go in the evening... and never go back there... or at least only exceptionally... their new life was going to star and my old life was going to restart... what was going on was the beginning for them and was the end for me... the end? ... no, not exactly... my life really changed into something new... I had firs of all to earn money... a lot of money... and for a retired man like me it was very difficult to get newly in touch with my old editors to propose a new book... and what a book? ... One of my usual love books ... or something new, something absolutely new? It was a problem? How would my old editor accept a new line? Was such a choice according to the marketing? And also... had I better to keep my feelings for myself, for David and Jason... or had I to write thinking also to the people, the gay people? The young gay people and also the older gay people... I newer proposed to my editor a gay novel... I wrote five or six... yes but for me... only for me... and published nine novels about being two... in the straight meaning... even those novels were really gay novels... but no one read them in the right way... this time I had to get out myself... as I gay writer... what I’m... I’ll choose to write not for the public but for gay people... at least I can understand them a little better... and perhaps they could also read something real about gay life... my story... my real story that was damned to finish with my life... but I have something to tell gay people... I have to tell them that our world is a good one and no one has to be worried about being gay... in the world people make a lot of horrible things to gay people... but we never will be defeated... Well, that’s my way to keep in touch with David and Jason... that’s how I have to put in practice what I learned from them... All this thoughts were already well defined in my mind... and perhaps I would face also gay-organizations... because I’m non at ease with some of them...
Eleven o’clock... everything was set up... forms had been signed... university documents had been delivered to David and Jason... nothing else lasted to do... we had to go for lunch at 13.00... out of the campus... we could have booked also to the campus self service... but I had to keep out... Campus wasn’t really crowded... we went to see the Physics building... an enormous building that smelt strange... like paraffin or oil... courses hadn’t started yet and David and Jason had four days to learn everything about campus life... My God... they were scared... too big buildings, too formal service, everything out of their usual range... The dorm like a hotel... the laboratories like something strange... the library like an enormous hall where an unreal silence reigned... and a few people moved without a word... My God... they were scared... we got out of the library...
“Mike... I never would have imagined such things... it’s terrifying... “
“Jason... no... it’s all normal... this is an university... a lot of smoke... a little roast... you have to remember that students that come here come from high school... therefore you have nothing to be worried about...”.
“But it seams the culture temple...”
“ No... culture has nothing to do with awards, or grades or colleges...”
“I don’t think so...”.
“Culture has only to do with how you can deal with the world... culture is respect and love... sometimes respect and love that are very hard to accept ... when experiences are different, social conditions are different... feelings are different... it’s very hard to respect and love someone else... it’s not a spontaneous thing... you must be training yourself, you must force yourself ... if you don’t you have nothing to do with culture no matter if you got a PHD or whatever... clearly... here you can study physics at an higher lever... yes it’s also the temple of culture somehow... but of a specific culture not of the Culture with capital letter... I’m very rhetoric today... sorry, this is a strange day for me... Jason, David... tell a word... perhaps you aren’t at ease... well... I’m sorry... My God, we are spending this way the last day together... no... I’m not at ease now... perhaps I have to go straight now... “
“We are not used to such things ... David and I ... yeah... I’m not at ease... it seams that everything we did till now is going to vanish... also our feelings with each other seam vanish... word after word... it’s terrible... its’ physically terrible... it’s strange... I don’t like such feelings... when we were at the lake everything seamed to go well... now... the atmosphere is very different... “
“Well I think I’m going now... “
“Mike... no! ... “
“You’re right... no...”
“Thanks... I don’t know why but I can’t help crying... it’s terrible... it’s terrible...”
“What’s terrible?”
“You told we where a family... but we are not... we are only strangers to each other... it was too much difficult for you to deal with us... that’s why you send us here... to get reed of us... yes clearly a quite fairly way to get read of us... but what have you in common with us... you are an older man... you hate young people because young people remind you of your totally wasted life... yeah we are young today... and you’ll be never more... that’s true... David ... I will never stay in this campus spending his money... his money not our money... He’s buying us... is not a friend of us... I don’t stand him any more... we are going to became his slaves... don’t you understand? David! ... I hate him ... what are you waiting for... you have to choose or with me or with him... perhaps we can catch some job... but our job... David! You have to choose... now! or nevermore!”
I started walking away... sadly, slowly... Jason cried and yelled out against David. David wasn’t even able to answer... I was terrified... but kept walking away... nothing happened... I turned the corner... I was destroyed... What had I to do? ... Never get involved in someone else’s live... I repeated to myself ... I wasn’t even sad about myself ... a lot of money wasted ... for nothing... and even worst I had destroyed the love story of David and Jason... two gay guys ... yes... but how far from me... just another country, another world... a world I wasn’t even allowed to approach... their world not mine... I waited for a few minutes but nothing happened... I would have got back... but there was a total silence now... everything had ended up in a minute... then I got back really but no one was there, the guys had vanished, the silence was total... I felt devastated... got back to my car and went home. My God... I was upset... I told them how difficult it could be to respect and to love someone very far from you... two gay guys that hated me... how was it possible? ... then I remembered that I had their mobile numbers... had I to call Jason... perhaps in order to scare him even more... had I to try to recover the situation or to let them go their way? ... I entered the highway... my brain was upset... I was searching for something wrong clearly from their own point of view because from my own I had nothing to hide from myself... what could have let the bomb burst? It was a money problem? Or a dignity problem? Or both of them? And was there something to do? When at home I went upstairs to the green room, that one of Jason and David... everything was empty. Steps echoed in the late afternoon... everything was in perfect order... the bed... the single bed... it seamed like David and Jason never entered the room... only an unusual amount of food in the fridge reminded me that it wasn’t a dream... only the food in the fridge and two numbers in my mobile... nothing else... I was hoping to receive a call from them... but I was hoping also just the contrary... life has its rules and I broke that rules... everything is mechanical, no matter what you want or what you like, as usually there is nothing here to decide, there’s everything to accept...
The night came, my soul was empty, an absolute quiet invaded me, physically and emotionally... my old life restarted with all its emptiness and its usual nothingness... I only had to come back to myself... my guys were out not at college as I, not they, planned... where were they now? I wasn’t even allowed to ask... they had gone their way... and all my getting afraid of their future was worth nothing... they had gone... perhaps not David... but he had to go to follow his friend and he did exactly so... not a word to add... he had to go... and Jason that shy boy... what was he hiding in his soul? ... Fear, I think just fear... fear of everybody... I probably scared him... He perhaps couldn’t even imagine everything was real... yes probably I was getting reed of them sending them to the college... but... had I really thought about buying their souls? ... No... I think I never did... but he was scared all the same... no matter my thoughts... only his thoughts where worth not mine... and I never asked really them about their future... the telephone rang... my heart skipped a beat but it was only a friend of mine to ask me to a wedding party... I told him I was sick and I had to go to the hospital to take care of my high blood pressure... but..., I had to ad this “but”, but my doctor told me I could get back home in two or three days... When I hung up I was perplexed... I never lied to a friend... I wasn’t a liar... I only had to stop that conversation, I wasn’t able to stand it... I had to go back to Jason... was he really hating me? For fear or whatever else but was he really hating me? ... And David that poor David who was desperate... the mobile rang... David!!! ... Oh my God!
- Hallo Mike... we are in our room at college... Jason has been crying desperately all the day long... I’m very concerned and worried... it was impossible to calm him down... he cried desperately, shivered... Mike... I think he’s not able to control himself ... I never saw him this way... Mike, I fear for his mental health, he seams panic-stricken... I’m worried he could commit suicide... Mike... come here... come here Mike... now... immediately... perhaps it could help... perhaps it could help... now Mike... now... I’ll call you ... I have to go now...
- I’ll get there as soon as possible...
I jumped off the bed and three minutes lather I was newly riding my car... I had to go there as soon as possible... I had to go there... and I was frightened... how to help... was Jason really aware of himself? ... He was probably stressed... he had a lot of problems to deal with... He wasn’t a boy... he was a real man with all his problems... a man who was never a boy... a desperate man... my brain started melting... but I had to control myself... I got finally out of the highway and turned to the campus ... David called back ...
- Where are you?
- Just parking the car...
- I can see you from my window... stop in the hall... you are not allowed to come to our room till seven o clock... nevertheless I could ask the receptionist to let you go... you only have to show him your documents... ok?
- Ok.
A second later the receptionist’s telephone rang... he nodded me to approach the desk and give him documents... then he put my license into a mail box with the number 891 and gave me a form to sign with all the rules visitors had to follow... then showed me the lift and told only “eighth floor”. I nodded him back and entered the lift... while rising mi heart skipped another beat... David was waiting for me on the door... he let me in and closed the door. Jason was on his bed fully clothed... but his clothes seamed dirty and moody... his eyes where closed... I took hold of his hand... he instinctively withdrew the hand but the opened his eyes and started crying and gripped my hand tightly... I think heaven can’t be so much different from that moment... then I caressed his forehead and his hair... he was going to tell something but a nodded to be quiet because it was a quarter past five... he nodded back... David sat down nearby... Jason started newly crying, I took hold of the tip of his nose and he flashed me his sweetest childish smile. Not a single word was spoken till seven o’clock then the bell rang in the corridor and some noise started being heard...
- I’ll wait for you down the hall and we’ll go for breakfast... take your time...
Ten minutes later they were in the all ... shaved and smiling... the receptionist gave me back my license and we went for breakfast... Jason in the middle, David on his right and I on his left. The night, an horrible night was over and I was tired as hell... the coffee helped, I would have had another coffee but I didn’t... my hearth beat was regular as if nothing had happened at all... Jason was silent... I had to break that silence...
- Jason... I’m happy now...
- Me too... me too, really...
- I don’t know what to tell...
- Mike...
- Yes...
- Can you stay here a couple of days?
- Certainly... no problem...
- Good... Mike... am I mad... something pathological? Tell me the truth...
- You need love... all of us need love... and am I something pathological when I can’t even live without Jason and David? ... Certainly... somehow I’m something pathological... right... but I need love... nothing else... I need love... just like you Jason... just like you...
- Sometimes I feel like I were upset by your presence... I need love... yes but I don’t even understand what love could be... it’s hard to me to accept you can love us... love not lust after... just love...
- Jason... I don’t know if...
- No, Mike, no! Just love... nothing else... loving David or at least be friends with David is something usual... I can understand or I think I can understand why he loves me... he can at least pursue his own purpose... but you Mike... what are you searching for? Why are you here now? ... I had to put you down yesterday... I had to... but then I felt terrible... Why? Do you know why? ... Just stay here a couple of days... and I’ll find out why... I think I’ll find out...

THE END

ONLY SEVEN DAYS 6 - GAY NOVEL

2007-09-06T21:40:00.000+02:00

ONLY SEVEN DAYS 6

GAY NOVEL 2006

CHAPTER 6

(NEXT CHAPTERS WILL COME SOON)

At 10.15 the bell rang… “Hi Mike… what a smell! Something special… another masterwork of yours! I think when in the college we have to forger such things… Mike... I don’t know what Jason thinks about … but I’ll stay here… Naturally I’m kidding but … I’m not at ease with going away… not for the college but for leaving this house… and you… Mike… I don’t now what I have to say… I’m a little sad today… I’m starting to realize what college may mean… we have to go away… and that’s not easy to accept”.
“Mike, David is right… college could be too hard for us… we had a lot of time to stay together but in college it would be very different… and we feel better here… “.
“Whatever have you in mind?”
“Nothing at all, we know we have to go, for us and also for you… we’ll certainly go but with an anger in the soul… when we missed the bus we where afraid because you had to wait for us… and now… sniffing and looking around we can see that you are here and you are here just for us… to wait for us, I was not used to someone waiting for me… someone older than me, someone who don’t set upon me, who waits for me, someone to talk to, to tell everything I have in mind because he will never reproach me… we’ll never find such things in college… yes we are not alone because we are two, but stay with David is something different, sometimes we have our incomprehensions, our misunderstandings and sometimes we may also feel depressed because of it… and no one is there to minimize all that… we have to surpass all this with only our strength… and this way it’s much more hard to do.”
“Jason… don’t overestimate me… I’m a poor man… yes, I feel better because of you… I feel I’m starting something new and important but I’m nothing more than a poor man… “
“Well… right, but that’s exactly what we need, someone real to help us to face the reality… we have a lot of wishes and a lot of dreams in mind… and you can help us to deal with real life…”.
“That’s very strange… you can’t even imagine how many wishes and dreams I have in mind… I’m not able to help anyone, I’m searching for someone who could help me… and just found out two guys who did it… because you are helping me… you are helping a lot… right, when you’ll go to college I’ll be sad, I know that very well, but you aren’t going away in order to get out from my life… no, you are going to get away just to get back… it’s very different, we’ll see probably every weekend if you like… and there is the mobile…”
“Mike… can I ask you about money, I’m sorry but it would be important.”
“Do you prefer to open a little bank account?”
“No… we prefer get here every week and get a little money for the week… this way at least we have to get back every week… we thought 300 $ a week will be enough all inclusive, also the train ticket to get back… is it possible?”
“Yeah… I thought 400$ a week… but I have to stop here”.
“Good… but 2400$ a month for the college and 1600$ a month for us are 4000$ a month can you afford such expenses? … it’s about 50.000$ a year and physics course lasts for five years…”
“I know but drying all my savings I can afford it… but you have to calculate that depending on your results, college expenses can come less than 1000$ ... and I suppose you can reach this goal… one student out of three reaches this goal… and it would be about 15000$ saved… you can help studying hard in order to get out of the college as son as possible…”
“We’ll do everything in order to save money and to study hard… I promise …. What is this? … Lasagna! Wonderful… “
“Seat down and have your dinner… and what about your resignation?”
“They accepted it right away… from now on we don’t have to go to work any more… and about college?”
“I think we have to go there and check everything out… We can go tomorrow morning, leaving about at 6.00 we’ll be there in 60-70 minutes… we can have a breakfast and then go to the college office to set everything up.”
“Perfect… tomorrow morning…”
“That’s why you have to go to bed as soon as possible… now it’s quarter past eleven… we can discuss everything while going there… Boys… you are starting a new life… you have to be strong and clever… achieving a good physics graduation you could find also a little job within the college… and that could be in three years… and now let me tell you something else… I know very well that I have to let you build your own life, yes, I know that, but you have to take for sure that I will be always with you whenever you need something, no matter what. I’m not getting rid of you, only you have to build a better future… and with a college degree you could find a better job… I don’t know what you are going to make with your life, neither I know what you, Jason, would make with your friendship with David… you are two guys… I think you’ll stay together all life long but if things will go otherwise nothing will change for me… each one of you means something special to me… I hope you’ll be a couple, but if things will turn otherwise you have to remember that my respect and my love will be always the same, I love you individually, not like a couple, you aren’t something similar to a symbol of something I never got… no! You are two guys I love because of what each one of you is… “
“Mike… I’m worried about college life… no one will cook for us over there… no one will show his love to us… and… oh… tomorrow we’ll go there together all the three of us… but eventually we’ll stay alone over there… that sounds bad… “.
“You have to stay with each other, you have to help each other, you have to love each other… Jason no matter if sexually or not… love is something that can exist also without sex… perhaps you could separate, your lives could take different ways… nevertheless you have to love each other, love is respect, care, affection… something that will never die… Love isn’t for now… when you’ll become older you’ll much more need each other, if it’s possible… love means no loneliness, no depression, no bad feelings, means to love and to be loved, to let the other love you… Now I understand I’m preaching far beyond the edge… Boys… come upstairs! It’s bed time! You have to wake up at five tomorrow.”
“Mike can I hug you?”…
“Certainly… you can do everything you like… Tanks, Jason, David… the three of us hugging tightly… that’s something I’ll never forget… And now straight to bed… go!”
Clearly I was deeply involved in this new adventure… will it go to an end or will it last forever, all life long? Now the college adventure… then I don’t know what, and this starting college adventure was even something hard to deal with… I wondered if it was adequate to their real situation to live together in the same college, to study together the same subjects… perhaps love needs distance. When you are alone you can be aware of your sadness, of your need of someone else, what hardly happens when you live with another person… Is love something that grows up with loneliness and decreases when you really live with the person you love? Probably I’m building such thoughts castle on my own loneliness based culture… but they are young… perhaps they need the physical presence… they hugged tightly when they met… when you hag tightly the person you love there’s something special, something physical that flows trough all your body and trough all your brain, you can feel physically the presence of the other, not sexually, but physically, you can hug the body of another person, it is like you were hugging the soul of that person… they hugged me tightly… it was wonderful. But now I have to go back to more concrete problems… how to start college… and how to catch that enormous amount of money… I can’t tell them I’m afraid of all this situation I’m going to afford… Money is only a problem of mine… yes money… and I hope they will make everything at higher level to get graduated as soon as possible and also to save a lot of money… are they aware of money problem? I think not, but I have to keep it for me… Money is always an old people problem… we have to catch money and they have to spend… that’s natural, at least it seams so natural… Perhaps I could contact my former editor to agree for another book… and now I have a lot of things to write about… clearly changing nouns and situations… but I have a lot of new stuff… I’ll try tomorrow… now I only have to stay quiet and go to sleep…”
Next Morning Mike woke up at four and couldn’t get asleep any more. He started thinking about the day that was going to start… about the trip to the university town, about the college, but much more about what he was going to tell Jason and David… the evening before Mike had been satisfied of himself but he was not sure about what he was going to do or to tell next morning, he would never have broken what he had built the evening before… Mike was happy for the image he gave them of himself but was afraid about what he was expected to do.
What choice could be appropriate not to destroy what the three of them just built? “To be easy to speak or to stay quiet? To show them my affection or to make an effort and keep away from too much intimacy, especially in public. To talk or not to talk, this is the problem! To talk to show them something they know very well or to keep silence, or at least a relative silence, to let them speak about whatever they like… I don’t like to give someone a bad image of myself… a wrong image of myself… no… it isn’t matter of an image… I want them to love me… I want them to be happy, with no worries and no fears at least about me… perhaps I have to let them lead the situation… I will never plan anything about my two guys, no more, they aren’t kids so that I have to play a role for them… no! They are real men… like me… they are much more younger nevertheless they are like me… perhaps not facing the oldness and such things… but facing the future they are certainly much more motivated to than me… their time is the future, my is the past… no… my time is even the future, perhaps a near future, certainly I don’t have to worry about what is going to be in 30 years… but ten years and better, to make a wish, twenty could be a future possible even for an old man like me… my two guys… are sleeping together, they aren’t making love… no they aren’t, … or somehow they are… yes probably somehow they are… and somehow I’m too… my two guys… one is gay, the other doesn’t even know himself whatever he is… but does that make any difference? … I don’t think so… Can I love them in two different ways because of their sexuality? All this sounds very absurd… love is love… and is always something reciprocal something you can’t control at all. Love… as old as I am I’m thinking about love… what a strange situation… but what a real situation. Well, it’s time to get up!”
I set the breakfast, David and Jason got downstairs.
“Hi, Mike… how are you?
“Thanks, Jason, I’m fine and you…”.
“I’m very upset… we have to settle the college matter… and then we have to really start it and it will not be matter of a week… we have to get used to a new kind of life…
- “He’s easy to get scared of everything… but when he’s in situation he gets away with everything… Well, it’s an issue we have to confront at some point, no mater how unpleasant it could be…”.
- “Don’t worry… thousands of young people go to college every year and you are older than them … I think you have better to worry about different things, you probably don’t consider at all…”
- “That is?”
- “I’m thinking about your new mates… and about some aspects of college life… you’ll meet young people, nice people, people who can take you in a different environment… your mates are young guys, they know nothing about you and they probably will be attracted to you, because you are older and because you are a couple, I think somehow they will realize it…”.
“Well, clearly we have to keep away from trouble… and to mind our own… “.
“Yes, but I think there is another aspect you have to consider…”
“And what’s it?”
“I think your mates or at least someone of them could be attracted to you not only because they are nosy… someone of them could be very interested in your behave… and you have to pay attention not only in order to keep your privacy and to avoid trouble… but also not to harm them… You are a couple, or at least you somehow are a couple, you aren’t in closet to each other, but you could meet some guys that didn’t came out to anyone at all… that’s why you have to let your mates take their time. If you only mind your own you can scare them, set them out, and I think you have to be careful… do you understand?”
“Yeah!... that’s a very uncommon advice… you think someone of them… ”.
“Well I not only think but I’m sure there are a lot of gay people over there… you have to consider that you’ll find guys and girls attending lectures but the dorm is an guys-only dorm… with about two thousand students… you have to calculate about 10% are gay… that makes about two hundred gay guys, ninety percent of them are in the closet and I think much more, they have to study hard… right, but you can take for sure they are searching something different at College…”.
- “Do you mean sex?”
- “Perhaps it could be… but I think a lot of other thinks, first friendship, then respect, maybe love… but they are weak like I was when I went to college many years ago. When you can see some fear signals, like hesitation, nervousness, aggressive responses, some insistence you would like to avoid, something strange whatever it could be… be careful… never react roughly, no hard words at all… give time to time… let things flag, make less intense… it’s never too late to make mistakes… You have already passed your coming out… they could be now in the middle of the wading…”.
- “What do you think would be better… I mean in order not to harm them…”
- “No rules about arguments such this one… it’s your choice… you can also get wrong, yes, you can also scare or harm someone… you have only to follow your feelings and your brain… when you’ll find something you don’t understand you have to respect it… you are going to be in the midst of a lot of young people… a single smile can help, can avail, can make easier a lot of things… and when someone will flash you a smile, you have to give back a smile or better to tell something friendly or nice. Remember, when people smile at you they probably are searching for love… not for sex but for love, and people that need love, at least must be respected… ”.
- “Well, Mike, and how to distinguish nosy people smiling from people who really need love? … Perhaps I’m rude but I think no one could distinguish them just at the beginning, don’t you agree?”
- “Certainly… you have to be mindful that nosy people spread over and you can find them everywhere, even without recognizing them… yes… first take care of yourselves… you’re right …”.
Breakfast was over, we jumped on the car, David was the driver and Jason sat near him on the front seat... I was in the back seat, and conversation went on wile we were going on the highway, but somehow not so easily as I’d have hoped. My arguments where too theoretical and abstract, but they where rather thinking about something concrete… and finally I was going to get back in some hours they instead had to face the real college life, their perspective was very different…
I felt just at that moment how far reality could be from my dreams and also from what I used to think as my duty or my perspective on life… I was an old man, they where young guys, between us years dug an abyss, something nobody could event think to overstep, no matter whether or not you like it… the distance can’t really be reduced… starting something and come to the end are very different things… that’s why, probably, David and Jason seamed to be, or I have to say better where really in a different world. Something frightened me… was I really able to understand the two guys? If I had asked them this question they would have answered certainly… probably… yes… but I would never ask them such questions that belong only to me… old people questions… And I? What could I answer myself? Yesterday probably I’d have answered yes… but today my answer is very different… I clearly can’t understand them… I think I can play a role… not pretending to play but really playing my role, but was that for coherence or for love? They are to me what I pretend they are… no one can ever get into the soul of another human being… neither can I… My life, until some days ago, was only mine, only internal… but now I’m very perplexed… I got a flash of something new, I thought it was love, but it was only a flash of something… was it love? Can I at my age experiment something that is really love? Or I’ll only pretend to see somewhere love flashes in order to feel alive? Was I only pretending to play a role that involved something similar to love, just to keep away from loneliness and desperation? … Probably the guys needed really me to tell them something encouraging, to afford expenses they couldn’t afford… or, yes I can tell also… to love them, or just to find someone who pretends to love them… because is there any difference, on the side of the beloved person, between loving and pretending to love? Love isn’t something emotional, love is a duty, something that consists in acting like you where in love… is there any difference between loving and acting like you where loving someone? And really I think there isn’t any difference at all… if loving consists in doing everything in order to let someone feel beloved with enthusiasm and participation… and acting like you where loving someone consists in doing exactly the same things because of duty… I love them… I have to love them… I must love them…perhaps there is a difference but only from my point of view, I certainly don’t have to worry about such differences that involve only myself… I have to hide this thoughts and to keep them for myself… loving my boys or at least avoiding to hate them, because sometimes when love can’t grow up it becomes hate… hate that is confused with love, that is hidden under a coat of love… but hate really exists, not hate because of the guys… no… hate because of the concrete situation… I’d liked it to happen many years ago when this dudes hadn’t even been born… at that time everything could have happened, today is no more my time … gay or not I’m going to my end, I have nothing to start just something to complete…
Suddenly I asked them: “Do you think we can really get in touch with each other? Because I think we can’t… somehow we can’t”. Jason looked at me right in my eyes… “Somehow we can’t… but somehow we can… we somehow need you… we have really something to share… perhaps we can’t understand everything now but we need you, we need exchanging ideas, getting your experiences, knowing how an older man can afford his problems … don’t mind if I spoke about you as an older man, we need you just like an older man… we too are somehow worried about how to get in touch with you… it’s something we aren’t already used to, … no… never think you aren’t able to get in touch with us… you are much older than our parents… but we prefer to stay with you… we feel much more free and also much more the object of your thoughts… you know how to take care of us, respecting us…”
“Jason… things are probably much more complicated … I think my good feelings dried years ago… I’m not really involved in your story… I told a lot of things… I promised a lot of things like I was really involved but I’m not… I’ll certainly do everything I told … but I take it for duty, for gay duty, if you like, but for duty… I’m not really involved… I think I pretend to be involved but I’m not… do you understand what the problem is?”
“Mike… do you remember James Baldwin’s novel “Another country”?
“Of course… yes… I know that book by heart…”
“Do you remember the quote: There is nothing here to decide but everything to accept?”
“Of course… I remember…”
“Well there is nothing here to understand or to think about but everything to accept… “
“Yeah… perhaps it’s true… I’m confused, I don’t know what to say… an old man in a strange situation… “
“No… nothing strange… love isn’t strange… or love is always strange…”
“… nothing to decide … everything to accept… right… when I read that sentence it seamed to me like I could accept it as something that belonged deeply to me… but between reading a book and deal with real life there’s an enormous difference… that sentence sounds today very different to me… probably you take it now just as I took it many years ago… you are something like myself when I was your age… If you had met me like I was many years ago, probably we had had the same feelings, the same thoughts… but between me and you there is an entire life you don’t know at all… something that I could share with you but you probably couldn’t understand at all because it’s matter of too many years ago… I think I envy your youth … I think old people envy young people… It could seam something bad… but probably it’s the truth… I would have met you when I too was young… but I’m no more… “
“Mike… how were you, when you where our age?
“I can’t even remember… probably… I wasn’t like you are now… no… when I was young everything was different… probably because I was different… but, yes, I think a lot of things where really different… At that time talking about being gay was impossible… you couldn’t even think about… I had friends… yes I had also a thing for someone of them... but they had their own life… girls, dating… and so on… at that time everybody was straight acting no matter if gay or not… was a general rule and you couldn’t even think to brake the rule… I used to keep out of my friends… yes, sometimes we went to the parties, sometimes to the cinema, but I didn’t like to stay with them too much… the less we used to know each other the less I was frightened about being detected… and being detected at that time was a very unpleasant affair…”
“Did you ever fall in love with someone?“
“Yeah… it happened… but he wasn’t a gay guy…”
“Too bad…”
“No! … I think if he had been a gay guy it couldn’t have been better… I think he loved me… his way, clearly… we spent a lot of time together… chatting about nothing on the phone… or in the car… I was happy… I think we where happy… something tender, honest, clear… something absolutely particular…”
“Did he know?”
“Certainly and there was no need to tell him anything… he told me that this way he was aware I had a better reason to love him really…”
“And now where is this guy? … I think he’s very extraordinary…”
“Yes, really he is… where? He went to Europe many years ago… he married, had children… I think now he’s happy…”
“But are you still in touch?”
“Yes, we are… I never call him but he calls me one or two times a week… and I think he’s happy to hear me…”
“How many years it lasted?
“It never came to an and, I think it will last all life long… when he married he didn’t stop to call me at least one or two times a week.. and so on for years… for his children I was something like an uncle… his wife was, I think, a clever woman…”
“Do you think he told his wife about you?”
“No… certainly he didn’t… not in order to hide something from his wife… no… only to avoid me to feel out of place…”
“Mike… is this story true?”
“Certainly…”
“I thought you could have created it for me… there’s something similar to my story with David…”
“Yes… wile I was speaking I taught the same… but no… the story is really true… and I can assure you that someway we where in love and we are even now… we where friends… but very best friends… you know when you feel the love of another person? …. Sometimes when he calls me we speak like lovers… as old as we are… he told me: I need you… I really need you… I was looking forward to this minutes of conversation… I really love you Mike… you know very well… Just next year he’s been seek for months and I flied to Europe because I thought he was going to die... he was affording a very bad time, in the hospital wit the oxygen mask, he wasn’t always conscious... when he was aware of himself he opened his eyes and looked straight at me and started crying ... I was there holding his hand and repeating: you’ll get out of all this trouble, I’m sure you’ll get out... and I was terribly afraid about my own words because they seemed too much inappropriate to a similar situation... I pried Lord not to get him away... it would have been terrible if he would have gone... but month after month he become more and more healthy and finally doctors told us he was ready to go home... Jason I think that was the better day for me... three weeks later I was newly at home… I think that someway my life was happy because of him… like now I’m happy because of you… You know? When someone loves you… then you became very different… then you are happy, no matter sex or whatever…. Love is love… “
“How are you Mike?”
“Fine thanks…”
“Did black clouds go away?”
“I think yes… Thanks… Jason… you have something really similar to my friend… he used to deal with me the same way… and you, David, are now experimenting something I knew many years ago… boys… I think you are really in love… like I was at that time… because if you are in love you are happy and I think you are really happy… Nothing is better than loving and being loved... “
“But when we’ll feel depressed with no one around to let us be happy... I think it would be hard to deal with our feelings... and I think you too feel at least just a little depressed without us... Mike... I noticed that you avoid every physical contact with us... isn’t it?”
“Yeah... it is...”
“I think you are worried not to scare us about something that could sound like something sexual... but... perhaps we might need also holding hands... “
“Jason... I don’t know what to say... perhaps you are right but I’m really not used to such things... there is something risky... I have to set rules and to follow what I stated... I’m not so sure about myself that I can fell free to hold hour hands... I’d like it very well... but I must keep the distance... avoid whatever could be too much involving... I have to keep my feelings under control... you have to trust me and I must respect my rules... you are for me something religious, something I have to warship... you are two guys that trust me... is there something more important? ... If I have to love you I have also to respect the rules...”
“Well... if that’s true why did you let us hag you?”
“That’s a different thing... I will never stop you... that’s very different... “
“And if I would hag you right here and now?”
“You have not to... it wouldn’t be something spontaneous... no I wouldn’t accept it... it could sound strange to me... it sounds strange to me...“
“Jason... tell Mike about what we where discussing last night...”
“Oh... “
“What is it?”
“Nothing important... just about the remote possibility you could ask for something more physical...”
“I don’t understand...”
“David told me if you had asked him something sexual he perhaps could have done it... and perhaps I would have done the same... it would be like a love exchange... something possible...“
“Jason... please hold your tongue... now... fortunately you are going to land to the university... far from me... and I think that this is the best thing in order not to get out of rules... This things are totally out... remember it’s not because you are much or less complying that I keep away from such things... it’s only by my choice... The fantasy is something very different from real life... I would never waste our friendship, or whatever it is, just to fulfil what is no more than a simple fantasy that I have better to keep for myself or even better to delete at all... and I think perhaps I’ll delete it at all, honestly I’m not yet at this point but I’m not so far from it... it’s a very difficult problem to deal with but our family, so to tell, it’s too much important and I’m really aware of it.”
“Mike... I apologise for my stupid thoughts...”
“ No! You don’t have to apologise for nothing at all... the problem is that this thoughts aren’t really so stupid... I think they are very important... but I have to tell you whatever I think about... remember, Jason... I think I can fell free to tell you whatever I have in mind only if you fell free to tell me whatever you have in mind... never avoid anything just because you think it could sound strange to me... And if you find out there is something I could hide from you because I think... I think you aren’t able to understand it... How could you react? No! Nothing to hide... no more... we... you and me have a lot of experience about hiding something from people... we never have to hide something form each other... it’s not a question of kindness or urbanity... no! Nothing similar between us... we have to feel with each other just as we feel with ourselves... I don’ know what you think about but now I’m experimenting a freeing sensation... nothing to hide... speak clearly abut everything... and then, I’m an older man end you are young guys but I have to consider you exactly as I consider myself, you aren’t too much young to understand me... no! You are able to understand everything... good or bad... I was going to add “at least I think you are able”... but not! Such expression would mean that perhaps you are not... and now I’m aware you really are... and I think you have to think that I’m able to understand whatever you cold tell me... otherwise there could be no love at all, no friendship, nothing at all... We have to trust each other otherwise we have better take each his own way... isn’t it?”
“Mike... now you can get angry, if you like, but I have to tell you that I feel a little... I don’t know how to say... too strange, too inappropriate... shortly too stupid... David pretends he’s asleep ... and I feel so stupid because I told you what we told each other last night... I had better to keep everything for me... because he’s pretending to sleep... this way he lets me explore the ground... and you, Mike, are just too much assertive... I can appreciate what you told me, but I think something sensual is too much necessary to love someone, but it seems you don’t care about it at all... David and I aren’t lovers... yes, but we have some physical contact... isn’t it David? David... wake up! ... sometimes he hags me or holds my hand or caress my hair... not too much... never too much... but he knows I need it and he does it for me... I know very well that such things are hard to take under control for him but nevertheless he knows I need it and he complies... Mike, don’t you understand me?
“Jason... oh my God... you are terrible... I can imagine how you can stress the poor David... and you are now making the same with me... No! ... You are wrong... there isn’t any theoretical problem... David is David and I’m Mike... you can obviously get in touch with him the way you like better, you are two young guys... you can build you life together... sex or whatever, you are searching for love and you’ll find it... but I’m and older man... boys... you can’t understand...”
“You told us just five minutes ego that there was nothing we weren’t able to understand... didn’t you?”
“Right... I did... Jason you are a little fox!... but why are we keeping on talking about sex or whatever... there are a lot of things to talk about...”.
“Are you worried about speaking about sex? ... yes... you are... that sounds strange to me, I’m not scared at all... probably I would never make love with a male but absolutely I’m not worried about sex discussions... but you are scared, Mike... I think you are...”.
“Jason... you are terrible and I’m looking forward to starting academic year... this way I could be safe and not worried at all... you are very terrible... but don’t you know that for an aged man such things are out of touch... don’t you understand what’s the difference? ... yes... right, you are young... David is young... but I’m not... we are gay all the three of us but nevertheless our life is very different, my sun is going to set down... and you are going to start... do you know the difference? ... became and old man... dealing everyday wit the idea of getting ill... of being able to face the death... that’s what you don’t understand at all... you only think about sex or not sex... sorry, about love... oh... yes... it’s much more high level matter... but you never think that time flows and you can’t stop it... I was young years ago but I’m no more... what’s my future? the future I’m going to really face? ... do you understand what I’m trying to tell you? ...”
- “Somehow... perhaps... but... perhaps I don’t really understand... really... I think I don’t understand at all... probably it’s impossible... well... I feel stupid pretending I can understand... but neither you are able to understand us... perhaps you remember something that happened to you years ago... but sex isn’t eventually your real fife now... that means it’s not your real life... because what was real in the past is no more real now... perhaps neither love is your real life now... I think I’m too rough but it’s what I have in mind just now... sorry Mike... I wasn’t allowed... sorry...”
- “... Jason... I don’t know what to say... I’m really perplexed... probably you are right and I can’t even feel something similar to love... because I’m too much deep in my thoughts... too much selfish... I’m pretending that I love you but perhaps I’m very far from all this... I thought it by myself... you entered an open door... you probably are right... well... and then? What to do next... so are things... good... I only have to accept... I can’t change anything.”
- “I think you can... something at least... certainly you can... “
- “I don’t understand... is there something I missed?”
- “No... but I have to ask a question...”
- “Go ahead...”
- “Not now... if I need it... could I touch you? Hag you? Take you hand? ... This way you can’t even think whether I could like it or not... it would be my choice, only my choice...”
- “Obviously you can make everything you like... but I’d like better not... you have nothing to experiment... I love you... at least I try...”
- “Yes, right, but you take it as a must... and this sounds strange to me... you aren’t really free, you don’t even feel free... and I have to say I’m not totally at ease with you... I feel like you where keeping me away... I don’t like the idea of scaring you... But you could make something better for us not keeping us away ... because you do... you really do... with love... with care at least, but you really do... Did you ever thought about taking my hand or David’s, to hag us tightly, to make us feel you really exist... yes... it would be more difficult to deal with all that stuff but we don’t mind at all...”
- “Jason... no... perhaps you can understand, perhaps you can’t even tolerate my behaviour that probably seams to you something that comes from fear or whatever... but I have to go on this why... I must to go on this way... you are a couple... really you are... I’m a friend... a gay friend... a gay old friend... and if I have to preserve this strange kind of love I must keep on this way... no matter what your feelings could be now... no... we must work for the future, for your future, probably also for mine... but it’s different... it’s very different... Jason, if I had found guys like you when I was young, things would have been different... but I didn’t ... if it had happened probably my life would have been completely different... but nothing similar happened... that time was time of fear... of lonelyness ... do you understand how your freedom, how little you can consider it, is different from the absolute closeting of that times? But that years where my years... and now my time could never restart... “.
“Why are you holding our youth against us? What did we against you? We too will come to face oldness if God wants, if now we are young you can’t blame upon us... can’t you discover what’s common between us? ... I think there’s a lot in common, why are you trying to emphasize your oldness... to hold you oldness against us?”.
“Jason... you probably can’t even understand how difficult it could d be for Mike to deal with all the situation... no... we have to understand... and now we aren’t able to... it will take time... I think college is really a good idea... just in order to accept ourselves... we have to experiment what it could be to need Mike ... and he has to do the same with us... we have to get used to each other... step by step... we too have to learn how to love him... and to use to much words isn’t useful, to build a lot of thoughts, of theories of abstract reasoning could only distress us ... understanding has noting to do with thoughts, to understand is a matter of love, not of brain... Mike... why are you still? Did we hurt you?”
“I have nothing to hold against you... nothing at all... neither my oldness... and, right, chatting a lot about such questions may only unnerve you... you are right... it’s no more really than speaking only about myself what as nothing to do with love... I’m not used to love tings... but I have to learn... really it will take its time... but... I don’t think that your going to the college will help... no... to get used to each other we need to stay together... to feel free... to make mistakes... just as I did two minutes ago... I’m not perfect, I’m a real man, with a lot of... how could I tell you... with a lot of doubts, ob ambiguities, I’m selfish... I’m really selfish like people used to loneliness, I never had children, or relatives at all..., only myself... and you to deal with an older man like I’m is very boring... I’m what I’m... yes, selfish, why not... and you have to take me like I’m... You can reproach me, if you have to, but never be angry with me... I can make a lot of mistakes... but a can’t help it...”
“...”
“Jason... how are you?”
“I feel really strange... I had in mind that it could have been easier than that... I feel like a stupid who presumes to understand everything and isn’t even able to really let you tell what you have in mind... I feel like a stupid boy... Mike I would never...”
“Stop! ... No! you have nothing to add? Did you hear what David told just now? ... Never too much words... I love you Jason... you have to take it for granted... and now you have to think only about college... you have to get rid of all the thoughts that aren’t about college... you can take everything else for granted... I’m just waiting for you to come back home graduates ... right Jason?”
“Right... but I’m afraid I couldn’t achieve the goal... I think it could be too much difficult for me...”
“Nothing is too much for you... David and I will support you anyway...”
“But I’m scared all the same...”
“No matter scared or not you have to face all the problems college will imply... and let me tell you clearly: all the students face the same problems and all of them are scared starting college... you aren’t going to start nothing such strange or difficult... it’s a normal thing for guys you age... isn’t it?!
“Right... it is... “.
Our journey was going to the end, we went out of the highway and ten minutes after we entered the campus...