SPECIAL FRIENDSHIP AND GAY SEXUAL EXPERIENCES

This post is dedicated to the concept of “gay sexual experiences”. It is a concept that recurs frequently when chatting online with gay guys.

Gay sexual experiences can be considered in several ways:

1) As a kind of license to have attained the age of majority in gay sexuality on the basis of the theorem according to which masturbatory sexuality belongs to adolescents while couple’s sexual experiences are the passport to the adult sexual life.

2) As an exploration of sexuality conducted in couple.

3) As a sexual gradual approach to another guy to which there is already a real affective attraction but you don’t know his sexual orientation.

The point of view n. 1 assumes sexuality not as a contact between two people, but as an individual skill. Younger guys use expressions like “At my age, others have already done it,” guys about 25 years and beyond express themselves differently: “I still have not ever done it …”. Guys over thirties express themselves in a more melancholic way like “I do not want to miss the train” or worse, “if I don’t do it now I’ll never do anymore.”

Despite the differences in tone it’s evident, however, that these are people who give their sexual initiation a particular value in itself, regardless of who is the person with whom they will have their first experience. Basically there is an underestimation of the affective dimension and an overestimation of the sexual dimension.

In these situations the anxiety of the first time is not the anxiety that takes a guy who is having sex for the first time with a guy with whom he is in love, but just the anxiety to achieve as soon as possible that first experience, even with an unknown guy. People use the term ” weaning” to qualify what happens from the point of view of the guy who allows another guy to have his first sexual experience and “loss of virginity” to allude to that first experience so coveted and finally reached, without any too specific sexual reference.

Very often in such situations you end up being more or less satisfied or frustrated depending on the variety of sexual performances and on their correspondence to a model of gay sexuality derived from pornography. In this sense, expressions such as “we did not do everything” or “we had a full intercourse” hide the idea of sexuality as performance. The idea of being adult or realized through sex dominates, it’s typical idea of guys not yet fully mature in terms of affection, independently of the age.

The point of view n. 2 is already a condition of much more mature sexuality and is more or less genuinely satisfying according to how the dimension of being a couple is experienced in terms of affection.

In fact, each of the two guys who make up the couple may consider the other as a simple tool you need to fulfill sexual fantasies, and here I would say that the affective dimension is marginal, but the idea of sexual experiences as exploratory mode of couple’s sexuality can also be linked to a deep feeling of friendship and mutual respect or affection and also to a transport even more involving, that could be precisely an approach to affective true couple’s sexuality.

I would add that it is not unusual to experience sexual contacts born under genuine emotional relationships with the premise that “there is nothing binding” that slowly and almost imperceptibly consolidate, first for the establishment of a shared custom of sexual contacts and then for the establishment of more complex relationships in which affectivity and sexuality interact. In any case the point of view n. 2 starts with a couple where both guys have definite ideas about their behavior and can deal explicitly in a dimension of authentic sharing, but it is a condition that is not very common for gay guys.

The point of view n. 3 is probably the most common among hidden gay guys to whom a couple’s relationship or just a friendship that provides the opportunity to speak openly about gay sexuality is more a dream than a hypothesis. For these guys, and certainly not just for young guys but also for guys aged over thirty, the physical sexuality does not go beyond masturbation, at least for long periods. These guys live nevertheless their falling in love, even if in many cases the attraction is strictly one-sided. They fall in love with straight guys and more often with guys whom they consider only weakly straight and whose they do not know with certainty the sexual orientation.

It must be said that these particular friendships are much more common than people think and cannot be reduced to the category of gay-straight relationship because during the construction phase of friendship many selective mechanisms operate and the gay guy tends to automatically reject the hypothesis of creating a serious relationship with a guy strongly heterosexual or with a guy who does not offer an encouraging answer at the first attempts to get in contact.

The guy who does not feel gay, on the other hand, lives a close friendship with another guy only if in principle there are no closures to the deep emotional involvement that ties him to his friend. Basically, guys don’t enter by chance into these particular friendships. I must underline that I am referring to deep emotional relationships and very wanted by both sides. The guy who is not gay is anyway fully at ease within this relationship. The gay guy lives the friendship at two different levels, one of friendship and sharing that does not involve anything sexual neither explicitly nor implicitly and one unstated, dominated by sexual attraction.

In particular inside the friendship the gay guy sees the possibility of a love story and the relationship is experienced by him in a developmental dimension towards a sexually explicit story that is often destined to produce frustration. The gay guy lives that friendship in a way highly sexualized, he masturbates thinking about his friend, but he cannot talk about this with his friend. Apparently such a mechanism leads to a stalemate, but in reality things are sometimes different.

In some cases the evolution of the relationship towards forms of sexual friendship is a realistic assumption. As I have said elsewhere, sometimes the partner not explicitly gay of these friendships is a guy sexually confused, apparently straight but with a typically gay affectivity, in other words, is a guy with latent homosexuality; in other cases, is a guy who shows a partial bisexuality, but in most cases guys involved in such friendships are objectively straight guys, available and very open to forms of friendship that can seem, in behaviors, similar to homosexual ones. In all these cases the particular friendship may have not only a deep sense in the terms in which it manifests itself initially but can also present possible developments sometimes unforeseen and unpredictable because it can lead to the maturation process of awareness on the part of the guy who does not behave explicitly gay and it could push forward the boundaries of the relationship to include ways of doing things that are virtually impossible for any pair of straight friends.

A gay guy knowingly engaged in a friendship of this kind conceives sexuality only within that friendship for him sexual experiences are neither a source of pride nor a personal way of living forms of shared sexuality but are an attempt to involve his friend also from the sexual point of view, especially if the hypothesis seems accredited by various behavioral signals coming from the other guy.

If a guy loves another guy in an authentic way and is not aimed only to have sex with him, he tries to corresponds to the needs of the guy he loves, and does not attempt in any way to impose his own point of view or his own sexual categories. However, even when the loved guy appears genuinely straight, the gay guy starts anyway from the assumption that, under the appearances there is something gay. Adapt to the partner doesn’t mean, therefore, adapt to what he manifests of himself, which could result in a stalemate, but promote the growth and the emergence into the consciousness of the submerged part of the personality of the partner. The gay guy, driven by the idea of the latent homosexuality of his friend, cannot anyway stop to deal with him as if he actually was 100% hetero but will build in his mind a gradual path made of gay sexual experiences, more or less explicit, that could awake the homosexuality of his friend. It is usually a real therapeutic path toward homosexuality. In this way, if there is true love of the gay guy toward his partner, are taken for granted certain assumptions:

1) If my friend is really straight I will love him anyway.

2) The path based on sexual experiences is essentially aimed at the good of my friend, I shall be happy to share with him a sexual contact but the purpose is not primarily my sexuality but his.

3) There is no hurry and I have no essential targets, but I will adapt, anyway, to the time of my friend and to his true needs.

These assumptions combine a selfish dimension linked to the personal sexuality with an altruistic motivation of love which is to promote the sexuality of a friend.

The gradual sexual experiences that the gay guy tries to make and suggest derive from the assumption that in his friend there are forms of inhibition of sexuality and so the path will be governed by guiding principles like the followings :

a) Anything that creates or stabilizes inhibition should be avoided: the aggressive behaviors, the insistence, the tones that indicate disappointment or frustration.

b) You must ensure that the behaviors gradually more uninhibited arise spontaneously in a very relaxed way, on gaming and on non-sexual intimate moments.

c) You must avoid inappropriate steps or at the wrong times while the response to the verbal and nonverbal proposals coming from the friend must be immediate and accompanied by a smile.

d) You must show the maximum availability to the friend, both of time and affective response. Devote time to the partner is the greatest sign of attention.

e) The purpose is not to have a sexual relationship with a friend but to allow him to overcome blockages and inhibitions through a soft approach to gay sexuality.

f) When your partner takes a step forward in the size of the acceptance of gay sexuality it must be presented as perfectly normal, expected and obvious. When there is a refusal, a partial rejection or a referral to another time, it mustn’t be accepted as frustrating and the relationship must go on as if nothing had happened.

The path to acceptance of gay sexuality for some guys is long and for guys with latent homosexuality can end in nothing, I mean that unfortunately it usually doesn’t lead to the outcrop of the homosexuality at the conscious level. The path based on gay experiences progressively more explicit, to bring a guy with latent homosexuality towards awareness of his sexual orientation can stop immediately or can be very long and winding and often the dreamed results are not achieved at all. The awareness of this fact, is enough by itself to turn away from the idea to engage in this difficult path the guys who are not really in love, and this path sometimes very difficult and with an uncertain outcome remains the prerogative of the only guys who feel a real deep love interest to their friend. For these guys the true satisfaction is not to fulfill their personal sexual dream but to share with their friend a path, or a path segment, that seeks at least ideally a deeper life community.

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http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/viewtopic.php?f=15&t=96

GAY SEXUALITY AND NAKEDNESS

Hello,
I would like to tell you a little about my sexuality, at least summarily. So the point is that I don’t feel at all this urge to do certain things with a guy. I read everywhere that there are guys who would do anything to have sex with a friend of theirs and so far I can also agree, but can you tell me what does it mean to have sex with a guy?I see a lot of porn but now I’m immunized and in practice the porno movies does not make me any effect, I have been also with some guy (that is we didn’t have sex but we've come close), but things seemed very stupid and repetitive, a thing of transgression just for transgression. The guys attract me, all right, but I’m not obsessed with something in particular.

For example, sometimes I like the beginning of a porn, and especially if the guys are beautiful, then what they do seems to me really stupid, false. If things were to go ahead with a guy as I see in some porn it would be just stupid. Then about such things I have spoken with friends who are also gay but they do not see it as I do but they find themselves in the porn movies.If I have to think about something that really affects me, I would also like to play with my boyfriend, I would not only a sexual atmosphere, we would get along well not just in terms of sex and nothing else, for example, once with a guy I liked we went to the sea, that is, in practice we were alone in the cabin all day naked, then we also masturbated, he claimed to be straight with me and I did not tell him anything, but it was nice, no embarrassment at all, I was there with him as if he was not there, but he was there.I do not know how to say but it was nice that my friend had no problems with me being naked and even masturbating, we also said so many stupid things, we were laughing a lot of time. I do not know if this is sex, but it was nice, I want something like that. I almost did not even care if he's gay or straight, the guy said he was straight but I was fine.

I have met also guys picked up in a dating site in practice only for sex but we did nothing, when we met they were really rough guys and were obsessed with sex, I sent them immediately to be fu ..ed, and they wanted to have sex also without a condom! When I dream something sexual my model is what we did in the cabin of the beach, so I feel at ease.

My friends tell me I'm too young (16) and I have to grow to learn to understand certain things but I think I will not change at all. Then there is a thing that excites me very much, when I go to the beach with some school mates who are not gay, there are showers without divisions, in practice we take a shower together, that to me is a beautiful thing and involves me very much, I make a huge effort to avoid an erection but I control, but then such situations enter my brain deeply and I masturbate about a lot of times, not, however, thinking of doing stuff with those guys but just to be with them in the locker room all naked, it's beautiful and I like it a lot.

Do you think I still have to grow in order to fantasize about things other people think? But such things don’t excite me at all. For me the best is being naked together and playing a little, I always do the fool in the showers, but they let me do because they think I’m straight and then between straight guys we can feel free and I can take advantage but I play just like a fool but it is not something sexual, it’s just that I play because I'm good.

A fantasy that I have in mind is to go to a nudist beach, just to see naked guys without the need to necessarily have sex, I’d like to see them naked because a naked guy is nice to see even if he is straight. I do not know if in the nudist beaches there are only gay guys but I don’t think so and then for me, just to see and nothing else, gay or straight it’s all the same. I never went to the nudist beach because I'm a little afraid, even though I look older than my age. Project, but are all this things really gay or are just my things that maybe have nothing gay? But I feel really gay!
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In fact, the collective nudity is a topic which is discussed very little but that is very important and also a source of anxiety for a lot of gay guys. In general, the issue is underestimated because the problem of collective nudity is a problem typically gay. In Italy the showers and changing rooms are divided by gender, this is because, assuming that the entire population is straight, separating the rooms by sex, it’s possible to avoid to create forms of sexual involvement in the locker rooms.

The premise that everyone is heterosexual, however, is wrong and, while for hetero guys locker rooms and showers remain environments broadly neutral in terms of sexual involvement, for gay guys, the same environments are particularly exciting and also sometimes distressing, because it is true that you can see your mates naked but it is equally true that you too have to be naked and a gay guy when he is naked with other naked guys can have erection problems with a remarkable embarrassment.

Many gay guys do sports activities in a systematic way and are now so accustomed to the environment of the locker rooms and showers that staying there does not create them any problem nor any sexual arousal at all. It all depends on education and acquired habits. The habit takes away the sexual halo from the situations of collective nakedness. It can remain an embarrassment due to the possible sense of inferiority that you can fell, both for the size of your penis or for the general fitness level, but the habit minimizes also these things.

It is obvious that those who attend sporting environments of young people will find a lot of really beautiful guys, but the first rule is to accept what you really are. It is obvious that it is very different to be 20 years old, or to be 40 or 60, it’s very different to be athletic and toned or to have a prominent belly. So each of us is just what he really is. The same holds true for the nudist beaches. In Italy, the term nudist evokes scenes of porn movies, but, you understand well, in many countries, particularly in Northern Europe nudity is practiced at the household level and nobody is upset because there is a different culture of nudity.

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If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum:

http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/viewtopic.php?f=16&t=83

GAY GUYS AND HETERO VIDEOCHATS

It happened to me several times in recent times to talk to young people between 20 and 30 y. o. who experienced doubts about their sexual orientation but in a very particular context seriously characterized in terms of heterosexuality.

I’m talking about guys now out of adolescence, substantially young men who have certainly an emotional and sexual hetero life and have a girlfriend not just for show, I do not say they had a girlfriend but they have a girlfriend and talk about her how a straight guy talks about a girl he is in love with in earnest sense, both emotional and sexual, but not only, I’m talking about guys who have a sexual history, from the beginning of the adolescence up to 19-20 years or so, completely devoid of episodes that can make think of a repressed homosexuality in the past or even in the present.

An important element concerns the masturbation that is never in gay key but is not always in straight key because masturbation begins to manifest itself at least in a certain percentage as a mere physical fact, completely detached from sexual fantasies. For these guys masturbation with hetero fantasies remains satisfactory but the frequency of only physical masturbation without fantasies comes also to 60/70%, which means that masturbation almost completely lost its projective sentimental value, in these cases, we talk of mechanical or affectless masturbation.

These guys have no problems to speak explicitly about their sexuality and they do so not neurotically but at the same time rationally and spontaneously. In theory, there is no indication in their sexuality related with a gay repressed identity, dealing with the girls they have no particular problems and live the typical sexuality of a heterosexual couple in a genuine affective dimension. In the lives of these guys, however, there have been not negligible incidents that conditioned them. These episodes are derived from the need to find answers that are not found in ordinary life because of an environment in which to talk seriously about sexuality is virtually impossible, sex education is totally delegated to the peer group and in fact to the pornography and the development of sexuality is taken for granted as a necessary evolution of a natural instinct.

It seems incredible but still in the twenty-first century there is the taboo of masturbation, which is seen as a phenomenon strictly related with adolescence that must be overcome as soon as possible through couple sexuality. This idea, which has no basis if not a preconception of very old origin, still creates situations of distress in guys who, despite having a girl and having a sex life with her as far as possible, continue to practice masturbation.

Here, the guilt have nothing to do with religion but depends on the idea of not being able to be sexually adults, that is not to settle for couple sexuality, what, among other things, for a variety of environmental conditions, for many straight guys is not a very frequent thing. For a guy it’s not easy to talk about these things and of course it is not easy in particular to talk about with his girlfriends, here comes the desire to know less superficially about the sex lives of other guys, to understand how they live the relationship between masturbatory sexuality and couple sexuality.

For a straight guy the first place to look for comparison with other straight guys should be a straight chat and here misunderstandings begin to arise. In a straight chat a straight guy should go to look for girls. There are really girls on the straight chats but not so many and the ones that are there are also the subject of attention of several young guys. It happens, and it is not uncommon, that a straight guy in a straight chat, looks for a comparison with other straight guys to talk to them about sexuality on condition of anonymity, assuming that in a straight chat there are only straight guys in the strict sense, which is very far from reality.

It often happens that straight chats are frequented by gay guys, or at least guys who have sex with guys. These gay guys using words and arguments typically straight try to engage straight guys in atmospheres that have nothing hetero at all. A tangible example: if I meet a “straight” guy in chat and he asks me to masturbate with him in video thinking of a girl or to understand how I react in front of a girl that he likes a lot, the alarm bell should sound, such behavior is not a typically straight behavior. The excuse is usually that masturbating together is something that all straight people do, which is absolutely false, and that if one is influenced by these things it means that he is gay, or he has a small penis, etc. etc.. These arguments often come to win inhibitions and, today, to find “straight” guys who masturbate together on “straight” video chat is not at all uncommon.

It may happen that actually strongly repressed gay guys come to gay sexuality searching unconsciously for gay sex on a straight chat and this mechanism of justification is quite efficient: I’m not looking for gay sex but for comparisons with other straight guys! In such situations you arrive earlier or later to understand the true meaning of what you are doing, but if a guy really “straight” arrives on a “straight” chat and gets involved in masturbation in cam with guys alleged “straight”, the situation is complicated because the straight guy will automatically be brought to see himself as a potential gay, that kind of experience that in his eyes is or was “straight” convince him that for a straight guy it is or it can be really normal to masturbate with another guy and he would like to repeat the experience, which often accompanies a growing interest in sexuality or rather in the guy’s sex, which increases the confusion.

In these situations, after masturbation a straight guy feels deeply guilt towards his girlfriend and the feeling of having thrown away his sexuality ends up producing situations violently ambivalent, on the one hand masturbation on cam attracts because paradoxically it qualifies the straight guy as a “normal hetero” because “everyone does it” but on the other rejects because it causes heavy guilt.

Behind all this lurks the specter of being perhaps gay and are not uncommon neurotic responses to the uncertainty of the sexual orientation as sexual experiments to verify the sexual orientation itself, in practice these are ways to test, to verify the sex response but are nevertheless neurotic mechanisms that have nothing to do with the spontaneous sexuality, and that because of their neurotic origin never provide reliable answers or definitive. I note that all this talk is strictly sexual and affection is entirely absent.

Let us ask ourselves for a moment who are “gay” guys who go into straight chats to induce guys to masturbate on cam, the answer is one, are not “real” gay guys i.e. guys who love guys but only guys who have sex with guys and do not fall in love with them. These guys tend to convey an image of homosexuality only sexual because for them the emotional involvement does not really exist and they may also be considered somehow straight and have an emotional hetero sexuality, but certainly they do not have an emotional gay sexuality.

A straight guy who impacts these people ends up considering himself gay because he masturbated on cam with guys and ignores completely the affective dimension that is essential in defining sexual orientation. There are so many guys who have sex with guys for a lot of reasons: game, comparison, etc., but all this does not make those guys gay, and even less a guy emotionally and sexually hetero should feel potentially gay for thinking that masturbating in video with other guys is a way to compare with them.

The risk of sexual disorientation due to the use of video chat does really exist and real addictions can start which is good detox from as soon as possible to return to an affective sexuality and a projective emotional masturbation that allows you to relive and anticipate the emotional experience of sexual couple contact. It happens more and more often to talk in chat with straight guys genuinely and deeply conditioned by the idea of being gay because they had lived some experience “just sexual” that in their eyes is clearly gay, but when you see that to those experiences is associated only guilt without any emotional involvement it’s evident that “just sexual” experiences are sexual experiments of neurotic origin that have nothing to do with spontaneous sexual orientation.

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http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/viewtopic.php?f=16&t=80

GAY-HETERO RELATIONSHIP AND SEXUAL EMBARRASSMENT

Hello Project,

my name is Jake, it’s not a pseudonym, I am the son of an American father and an Italian mother, my mother was from Milan (unfortunately she died three years ago), my father is from Baltimore. I studied in a Catholic boarding school in Baltimore until I was 13 years old, living practically always there. My father is even now a manager and he never had time to spend with me. My parents never went over well then, when I was 13 years they divorced and I have been entrusted to my mother and I went to live in Milan. I went also to high school in Milan and graduated there. Now I am 34 years old. I recovered a little my relationship with my father when I was 30 years old when my mother became ill. He did everything to help my her, he took her to the U.S. and made the best specialists visit her. He has been close to her until the end even though they were divorced. Not only he had a dignity, but he behaved with me unexpectedly, he was then 62 years old and I think he realized what it means to have a child. I told him openly that I was gay and he was going to cry, he was glad that I trusted him to the point of saying such a thing. Now he is 66 years old and is going to retire, he will leave his job in July. He has no one in U.S. and I think he will come to live in Milan because my mother has bequeathed to him her apartment in Milan (the divorce of my parents was really a bit strange!).

I understood I was gay in my last year in Baltimore, between 13 and 14 y. o., when I fell in love with another guy who was in college with me, but then I came to Italy. The first months I was in Italy were terrible, my Italian was terrible and at school my friends were saying things I was not able to understand exactly and I did not dare to ask in order to get more explications. Physically I was not like others. I am kind of very English, not a Californian guy, I’m very tall and very thin and not at all muscular. At school I was very marginal and did not do well. My mother tried to do everything but it was not easy. I was good in English and bad in Italian. Then slowly, reading a lot and being with my teammates I began to understand the language better and my problems became more and more easier to overcame.

I was about 16 y. o. old and was attending the third year of high school when I took my first strong crush for a guy who had arrived that year and was clearly straight, but nevertheless I was in love with him. From then until the end of high school and over, I thought that that guy would become gay due to the fact that I loved him. He was very friendly with me and treated me very well, but for him girls were too much important. We studied together often. Spending an afternoon beside him, shoulder to shoulder and do the math together, for me, was both a torture and the thing I wanted most. I longed to see him naked but it never happened, not because it was impossible, but because I was convinced that such things would have soiled the love I felt for him. Maybe I was too idealistic, but at that time I reasoned that way. After high school I saw him only a couple of times, then he got married at the age of 24 and I went to his wedding, with a bit strange feelings but I went there.

Then there was the Polytechnic. I am now a civil engineer but I’ve never been too good at science. The engineering degree was certainly not my biggest dream, but my mother worked in that area and I would find an excellent accommodation. The problem was to get a degree. At first I sat down to cry of despair on the exercises of analysis and geometry. I learned things mechanically but understanding very little. Then, coincidentally, just before Christmas, a guy asked me to take the place also for him in the morning for classes, which were very crowded, I did so and from there was born a story, the most important story of my life and at the same time the most conditioning. His name was Henry, an average guy, not beautiful, but at 20 also an average guy looks beautiful! We started studying together. He was a monster of brain! He was able to understand things that I could never understand. So in the morning we attended classes together until 14.00, then lunch together and then study together until ten o’clock in the night and beyond. He pulled like a tractor, he would not let me lose a second, I struggled a lot at the beginning, but I knew that if I had not worked hard to be at his height I would have lost him, because he could not waste time without exams. Well, I got 24/30 in analysis, my first exam, he got 30/30, but, I confess, I was not jealous, then, after the first exam came the second. I was recuperating. My grades were always lower than his, but the difference decreased. Then, after a long time, an examination of topography, I got more than him and I loved his reaction: he was happy for me, he was not envious.

To realize that I was in love with him it took me two years and a half. At first I was too stressed out by the university and the hamletic doubt “Is he gay or he’s not?” always came back to my mind. I’ll make it short. We graduated in the same session, for two years we went on holiday together, we continued seeing each other even after we had found a job, often spending Sundays together. He never, never, talked about girls! I do not tell you about ruminations I did on these signals. The relationship between us was excellent, just like two brothers, but even more. I went back and forth a thousand times between the idea of telling him explicitly that I was in love with him and the idea of leaving it all up.

One day he came to me with an air of mystery and sentimental confession and told me that he was going to tell me a very important thing that I absolutely had to know. I thought it would finally come to the point, instead he told me he was about to get married because his girlfriend was pregnant. I passed from riches to rags, but I had to prove my enthusiasm and hugged him so tight that rose him from the ground, he was beaming really, I was pretending to be happy, but world works this way. I have been also the best man at his wedding.

Inside of me I thought I was doomed to fall in love just with straight guys. That’s enough! No more hetero guys! So I decided at about 26 or 27 y. o. to throw myself completely into the gay world: gay chats, gay dating sites, communities and so on, I filled out all my ads. I was determined to try. I thought, but hey, guys my age have a love life (and even a sex life) and what do I do? It’s not fair! I’m wasting the best years of your life! I began to get responses to my ads, Project, what a squalor! People who put fake photos, boys who only know how to say ass and cock, men aged 50 who think they are 20 y. o., people broken out which are quite crazy. I’ve met some fifty of these people in couple of years, I found only one of them quite normal but I think he was a minor pretending to be an adult, I asked him to show me the identity card but he did not want to let me see it. I said: but you’re a young boy, but what are you doing on these sites? And he answered me one thing that put me in crisis, he said: and you then, what are you doing? Then I invited him to dinner. He thought that we would go to bed, but I told him that maybe I was not on those sites for the reason that he had thought, and I took him back to his house, when he got out he gave me a very strong handshake. Now, after so long, occasionally he sends a message. Let’s say it was the most beautiful story I have experienced in recent years. So we arrived between my 28 and 29. I was a virgin, and so I’m now and I’m not afraid of that because having sex with shabby people just to see what it is, it’s not really something I want. In practice, until this year I have continued to live the sex as I lived it when I was 16 y. o., then that is not too bad and at least you certainly don’t get in trouble catching diseases.

And now I come to the last part of the story. In my project group of Civil Engineering, three months ago, arrives Mark (let’s call him this way) a young 31 y. o. engineer beautiful as the sun, I can just say so, and I start to go back into the flask. In practice Mark, for me, at the official level, is just a work colleague, our relationship is strange halfway between formal (shy) behavior and subliminal messages. Mark has invaded my brain and dominates even the smallest spaces. I think of him at all the day, I feel very strong feelings for him as I have never felt for anyone else. I have to wear always very wide clothes because just thinking of him makes me to get a hard-on, I don’t tell you when I’m close to him. Project, now I’m really in trouble. Mark will be the third straight guy I fall in love with? I would not for no reason that it was so, because I think that for me this is the last train. Or Mark or no one at all! He has nothing to do with guys of gay sites, he’s very careful about what he does and what he says to never pass the border but has some hesitation, some breaks certain ways of sighing just a little while talking, some small facial movements and in some very special moments that can only be gay.

Apart from the trivial. No rings, no familiarity with the office girls, no private problems at work, but he flashes you (accidentally?) certain looks that make you dry, and steal your soul. Project, it’s about three months that I’m back in anguish. I do not know what to do, have I invite him to my house, alone or with other people? I’d invite him to come to the pool with me, I’d certainly do, but then I do not do so at all and when I’m in front of him I feel totally embarrassed and treat him in a formal way and I would not absolutely.

Then there’s just a very private question I’d like to talk with you about me and this guy because something sexual happed between us and I felt a terrible embarrassment for what he may have felt, I really wanted to disappear. Now he behaves as if nothing had happened and this worries me even more, but for that I would like to talk in private. My contact is [omitted]. Just add me and I’ll call you.

A hug. Jake

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UNDECIDED GAY GUYS

According to the experience, both personal one and that of many gay guys I know, I’m inclined to think that for a gay guy meeting other gay guys of different ages and even gay mature age is a key thing. Why do I say this? The answer comes also from experience itself: the lives of gay men maintained over time, generation after generation, something constant arising from being gay itself and if the common contacts of everyday life can lead gay guys the “ordinary” adult life, the contacts with gay adults or older gay guys may facilitate the transmission of a wealth of experience typically gay. A gay guy can only learn from other gays what are the specific problems of being gay.

That said, what is the Forum of Gay Project? I can answer that it’s useful to promote dialogue and discussion, but what does that mean “in practice”? The answer is simple, It’s useful to pool the heritage of experience and knowledge developed by other gay guys in the past. The transmission of this heritage is the real purpose of Gay Project that aims to be a collection of first-hand material on the true life experiences of gay guys. Browsing through the various threads, but particularly those in the section “Gay orientation” you may have noticed that I have tried to outline in a summary the most typical problems that a gay man can face, those related to accepting their being gay, those about coming out, those about relationships with parents, to that more specifically sexual. Knowing these arguments can be a remarkable help when there is the real need to address them because we can rely on each other and we can avoid losing years to develop responses which are in fact always the same, generation after generation.

One of the most typical problems that a gay guy is certainly to live is that of his sexual orientation. For many it is not a problem if not social, for many it is a psychological problem significant in terms of recognition of their own orientation or acceptance of it, or both, for some uncertainties remain for many years and even for life. It is this last case that I intend to discuss here.

The experience made me notice that the discomfort associated sexual orientation is inversely proportional to freedom in which the individual lives. In a “free world” the problems of sexual orientation are absent because sexual orientation is not seen as a problem. In societies where homosexuality is forced to an underground life and is subject to radical censorship homosexual orientation has a strong negative connotation that ends up being internalized even by gay guys. In these environments, the indecision about sexual orientation is common for the simple fact that being gay is experienced as something evil by the gays themselves.

Here are some examples (while recognizing that the real situations may be very different). The problems related to sexual orientation emerge in particular:

1) in closed environments in which the community is small and the private is public domain and often becomes the subject of gossip (small countries closed-minded)

2) in communities linked to the religious culture that condemns homosexuality (for example: the tragedy of a priest or seminarian who recognize themselves as gay)

3) under conditions of economic dependence on the family home beyond the physiological limit of 25/26 years

4) when there is an educational dimension intolerant of homosexuality or homophobic attitudes are shown off in the family.

In such situations, the contact with serious gay people and the exchange of experiences is useful to raise awareness and to reduce the fear of homosexuality. It is not uncommon that I happen to talk to guys who experienced uncertainty about their sexual orientation. In these cases, in general, I perceive anxiety basically linked to the idea of ​​clarity. I often say: “If you are straight, no problem, if you’re gay is no problem, if you do not know what you are you don’t have any obligation to past a label on yourself, you do not have to answer to anyone and in any case there is no problem “. Most of the problems of orientation are false problems that will be resolved over time if the anxiety related to the fact of not being straight decreases. It seems incredible how false problems may affect the lives of guys, but the emphasis is constantly placed on sexuality. Family expectations and environmental homophobia contribute to dramatize a situation which in itself has nothing dramatic.

In general, the anxiety associated with doubts about sexual orientation leads guys to non-spontaneous behavior. A guy who does not feel fully nor gay nor straight tries to define his sexual orientation through sexual behaviors that are straight or gay in order to get proofs of his sexual orientation. It so happens that several guys embark on real challenging sexual gay or straight experiences, without any basic conviction, with the unique (wrong) idea  that if a guy has sex with a girl he’s straight and if has sex with another guy he’s gay. The relationships  that are created on this basis often have a specific feature: i. e. they are essentially sexual and emotional values ​​properly fade into the background. When an undecided guy enters a relationship only to accredit the idea of ​​being straight or gay, in general, usually driven by anxiety of clarity, he’s not even aware that on the other side there is a real girl or a real guy who, unaware of the true motivations of the guy who in their eyes behaves like a lover, can invest in that relationship the whole of their affection.

I had the chance to talk to girls who have contacted me because they had come to realize that their boyfriends were gay even though they clearly stated the opposite. It is not at all certain that a girl refuse a priori a relationship with a gay guy and more than once I have known women deeply in love with gay men, in the full knowledge that they were gay, these relationships can stand very well and can be extremely solid if, even in the absence sex, between the two persons there is a deep emotional relationship. There are women in love with gay men that help them to be what they really are, that is gay. A woman feels perfectly when the man, with whom she also has sex, doesn’t really love her. In such situations a woman often feels used and cannot be able to understand the suffering of his companion. In these cases, in the absence of a genuine dialogue, relationships are going on wearily for years with mutual recriminations but generally the man will not admit being  gay not even at the level of hypothesis.

When an undecided guy enters a relationship with another man, he does with the mental reservation of being able to leave at will, that relationship is clearly for him just an experiment. Sometimes and not only in situations of couple crisis, that will inevitably occur, emerges the idea of ​​wanting to “try it with a woman”. Such a speech, that the undecided guy is unconsciously using as a weapon of psychological blackmail motivated by a greater demand for affection, warns his partner, creates insecurity and further destabilizes the couple. If the hypothesis of “try with a woman” comes only after years of cohabitation and without apparent justification, and especially if that hypotesis really occurs, it is to believe that we are facing a true swinging bisexuality (a form of bisexuality that alternates gay and hetero periods). In some cases, however rare, can also occur situations of intermediate bisexuality (not swinging). When this happens, generally, the undecided guy speaks openly to his partner searching for his understanding that he often really finds at least at theoretical level or as simple human understanding. Even in this case, however, the other guy experiences great difficulty.

The situations of indecision are never clarified through experiments to confirm an uncertain sexual orientation but only through dialogue and with the comparison in a climate of freedom and respect.

I should add that when an undecided guy sees the collapse of a relationship lasting years, at a personal level he experiences situations of extreme insecurity. Expect a final decision by an undecided guy, even after years of living together, is unrealistic and, on the other hand, save the coexistence despite its inherent instability not necessarily is the best solution.

I would warn many guys on one point: when a guy shows himself available to a sexual contact with you, but has some mental reservations, tells you not to feel gay or not to fell totally gay or not love you but just want to have sex with you, do not consider his sexual availability as a clear sign of his being gay, often, in fact, the opposite is true. Often undecided guys take the sexual initiative and involve their partners in order to make them enter the relationship, but these same undecided guys, when instead of having sex, you try to talk to them, show clearly their strong indecision. Before having sexual contacts with a guy you have to talk to him a lot, try to figure out whom you have in front of you and if you have the feeling that this guy is undecided, and you really love him, forget the sex and try seriously to build a friendship. Keep in mind that sexual involvements are often deeply wanted by an undecided guy but are  lived in a negative form, as if his partner took advantage of him.

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GAY FANTASIES OF A MARRIED MAN

Hello Project,
I’m almost 50 years, and have been married for 25, I have two grown children 21 and 23 years, my wife is a very talented woman and I love her. My life, after all, runs happily as the lives of many fathers who hope to see their children fulfill themselves in work and love life. My children are both engaged and their girls are now part of my family, they are often at home without any formalities, we have lunch together and it seems to me that things are going along well in this direction, but I carry within me for many years a thought that haunts me and I can’t talk about to anyone. I think I am and always have been bisexual or even homosexual. I’ve never had problems having sex with my wife, on the other hand, she was the only woman in my life, but from the beginning I felt that a sexual relationship with her was not exactly what I wanted. I’ve never had sex with men but I think it did not happen because of my sense of duty towards my family, a little at moral level and a bit not to put at risk the health of myself and my wife and not for lack of sexual interest on my part. And then, objectively, have a relationship with a man would have been socially unsustainable. There have been periods in the past 25 years, when I felt less homosexual urge. The first four or five years I thought I had overcame the whole problem in the sense that I could contain it because the intercourses with my wife were frequent, but after the birth of our second child the couple sexuality weakened, the children have begun to fill our lives and homosexual impulses have reappeared, which, however, more or less controllable, have never disappeared entirely. In practice, next to my sexuality with my wife, I have a second life in homosexual masturbation, yes, even now at nearly 50 years, and it’s real homosexuality. When I got engaged I was 24 and I had never been in love with a girl before. I met my wife through some friends and she fell in love with me. I was not really in love, I did not feel anything comparable to what I had felt for some guys, but I liked his company, I felt loved and desired. A bit because of the pressures of my family and a little to see how it would end up, I started to do the sweetheart, as it was then: little gifts, romantic walks etc.. etc.., but always without sex, then she tried to go ahead and I had some sexual responses: when we kissed I was erect. Frankly, I never thought about having sex with a girl and I must confess that this not only wasn’t the object of my desires, but somehow it seemed to me like a strange thing. I thought it would not work and instead it worked. She was happy, I was basically indifferent and a bit confused, I could not think of me having sex with a woman, but yet it happened. I told myself then that I could not be gay, but then I thought that I was not really sexually involved. I was in doubt whether to speak with my girlfriend and try to explain everything but she was in love, and I thought that an explicit discourse would upset her totally so I said nothing and went on for a few months. We didn’t use to take contraceptive precautions, we said that if she got pregnant we would be married soon and we had no fear of diseases because neither she nor I had had sex with other people. Then she has been actually pregnant. I remember when she told me, she still had some concerns that I did not want to marry me but I told her that we would try to get to the wedding as soon as possible and I saw her really happy. Of course in such a situation homosexuality was the least of my worries. If I had said to her or anyone else that I wasn’t heterosexual would not have believed. We got married in the church, I would not have wanted to but my wife was and still is very religious and so we got married in the church. Now the idea of being able to talk to her explicitly of my homosexual fantasies had become impracticable and on the other hand I was living with her a form of heterosexuality that made her happy.
At the age of 36, for the first time, I was madly in love with a guy who was 29, of course everything was and remained only in my head but he was the true center of my sexual interest. We were colleagues and stay close to him embarrassed me terribly, I spied his every move, trying to know everything about him but I did not do anything concrete to even exchange a few words with him, I idolized him, I considered him a model in every sense, a model of morality, or so he seemed to me. Then I came to discover that he had been trying to get an important job putting around gossiping about a colleague of ours that I knew very well. This fact has destroyed the myth of that guy and I began to think that a nice guy can also be a go-getter, can also do things morally incorrect and that maybe I was in love with the wrong guy. If he was straight I would not be disappointed the same way. I could fall in love with a straight guy but never with an evil trickster! Meanwhile my children were growing up and with my wife things were going on well and all in all I thought I would forget this guy and the idea of being gay would end, but it was not so, in spite of everything I continued to think about the guys and my parallel sexuality continued to stay there. At 40 years comes the second love that, this time, makes me really in crisis. A guy 24 years old comes to work with me, he’s handsome, a bit my ideal guy. I notice that he tries to be close to me and not to miss every possible occasion to come in my room I do not do anything to keep him at a distance, we become friends easily and he tells me clearly that he is gay and then asks about me, I say that I have nothing against gays but I am married and have two children, he tries to compose himself but is obviously disappointed. I feel safe, because that guy would have really upset me. In the following days he comes rarely in my room, I don’t initially seek him, then, slowly our friendship begins again and sometimes, once every 15 days, we begin to meet also out of the office. He tells me about his life and I stay really fascinated because he is a clever guy, a little neurotic, but authentic, spontaneous, actually a nice guy outside but also inside. Many times I was tempted to tell him that even though I was married and had two children at the end I was gay too. The temptation was very strong but the fear has always held me back, and so our friendship has been going on while remaining only a friendship. Then he found a guy and I became his confidant, of course, our contacts became sporadic. He was really in love with his boyfriend and I kept telling him that the guy was really lucky to find a guy like him but he could not understand that behind those words there was also a healthy dose of envy. During all this time my family life proceeded normally. By now I was living in two parallel worlds that would never have met. I have asked myself many times what my wife would say if she knew exactly how things are, I basically have never betrayed her, I cannot even tell whether for love or for a quiet life. And then, now my children are grown and I wonder what they would think if they knew more about their father from this point of view. They are heterosexual and I have no doubts about, but unfortunately sometimes I see a hint of homophobia in the younger, a few jokes that I do not like, some smile out of place, and in front of these things I do not know what to do. The older has a gay friend and the younger, in front of such a thing, distorts the nose a little. I think these are things that still can be found in all families. My wife is not homophobic, for her, simply, homosexuality does not even exist and if it exists it’s something that doesn’t even concern her at all, sometimes she has an attitude of compassion for gays, which I cannot stand, but in this I can see the legacy of religious education. I think I will take my secrets and my family will always be out of these things. I thought about it a lot, but hear from me what I really am would just be a shocking thing for my wife and my children, something that they still could not understand. Reading stories on your forum I found the anguish of parents who have homosexual children but not (with perhaps one exception) the distress of children who have homosexual parents. I could give my life a different direction? Maybe so, but in fact it makes no sense asking similar questions. At this point, now at almost 50, the game is over, I made my choices and, all in all, I do not regret. When my children call me daddy I feel proud. But I think they would not even accept the idea that I had an homosexual friend as the guy that I was in love, and that, however, continues to be part of my life even if in the parallel reality that now will continue to characterize my life. If you want to publish my e-mail certainly you can. I’d like to know what you think about. A hug.
James

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I WAS STRAIGHT AND I HAVE TO LEARN TO BE GAY

Hello Project,

I discovered Gay Project recently and I was really amazed, in practice there is nothing like this on the internet. I spent long nights reading. It is a treasure trove of things that I have never found anywhere else and are just the same as I am to live now. I admit that for the first time I did not feel alone. I’m 24, almost 25, until very recently, I never imagined being able to write an email like this, that is, an email to a gay site. I saw a lot of things marked as  gay but I really didn’t like such things. I thought I’d be the one to be strange, then I came here and I told myself that gay people like me exist and that they are not so strange. In practice, up to 24 y. o. I did everything to convince myself to be straight. Up to 19/20 I didn’t even realize the significance of certain things. I had a girlfriend but I masturbated thinking about guys, I had a girlfriend and we used to have sex too, not really exciting but not disappointing. So I just had to say: I’m straight. I had a friend, Mark (false name), we were always together, I was with my girlfriend when I could not stay with Mark. Mark is 100% straight and this made almost impossible to approach him anyway, nevertheless we were good together, but without any reference to sex, even if I masturbated thinking about him and I did it quite naturally as a thing that in loving friendship can be great. Gay men I saw on TV or on the internet were very different from me, and so the idea of ​​being gay didn’t even cross my mind. Then Mark found a girl and I lost most of his company and then I poured on my girlfriend, sex with her was not that bad after all and I’ve never taken het as a last resort, at least up to a year ago, let’s say we looked like the typical engaged couple, even her parents had taken it well, but I was always thinking about guys, every time I saw one I liked, I took heart sank, but I couldn’t even tell her anything, things went on like this for months but I slowly lost interest in sex with my girlfriend, technically everything worked, but I just was thinking about something else. Her parents and my parents started talking about marriage and there I started to feel really very uncomfortable. At this point, what should I do? I should have said what was going on, that is, the first, to admit to be gay in front of myself and then in front of my girl, and perhaps it would have been the obvious thing to do, but I did a crazy thing, I told myself that if I had a son I would come to accept the idea of ​​marriage. My girlfriend now assumed that we would get married, the families also took it for granted, and so, when I said I wanted a son she was happy, but there I just started to have erection problems and I got lots of psychological problems. I didn’t think at all that the fact of having gay fantasies could be important, things had always gone well with my girlfriend and at some point no longer worked but this problem began to emerge  gradually and in fact my girlfriend got pregnant, she was still happy and a little me too, but I realized I did not lust after her and my own sexuality was oriented towards a different direction and I began to realize it in a very obvious way, with her I did not have an erection but at the gym I just had to see a nice guy and could not contain my erection. From there I got it. I went completely in crisis. Meanwhile, my girlfriend had a miscarriage, I do not know if it was better or not, it was terrible, because the idea of ​​a child had put me right in a different mood and because I thought it would be my only chance to have a straight life, but on the other hand I felt freer. I should tell my girlfriend what was going on but I did not have the courage. She wanted us to try newly but I was not willing to repeat the experience,  I began to have the idea that my life would be, however, different, I did not know what to identify with, but I was no longer straight and I realized that clearly . When I got to the breaking point I talked to my girlfriend and things got weird and I was completely bemused. Basically she told me that she knew from the beginning and that she had talked about  with Mark, who then had understood everything, long before me. Mark had warned her from getting in love with me because he thought I was gay, but please note that I then didn’t even suspect. My girlfriend, despite all, fell in love with me and started to mind that she could get me a good life as a straight man. In fact for a while she was successful and it seemed likely that there wasn’t any  problem at all or it was completely exceeded. She told Mark that he was wrong and that nobody was much heterosexual than me, but then things have changed . We broke off the engagement by mutual agreement and without resentment, our families were shocked but we did not say anything to anyone neither I nor she. We were supposed to be friends but in practice after we broke up we saw no more than two or three times. So my straight life was over and from a few months ago I’m trying to understand what being gay means in practice, because when you say that it means to fall in love with guys instead of girls, you don’t say anything concrete. I did not come out to my family and only my ex-girlfriend and Mark know the truth but I am aware that they didn’t talk about to anyone. Among other things, Mark is getting married soon and I think I’ll be for him only a memory lost in the past.

Here begins my confusion. I don’t know gay guys, not even one, I went on the internet looking only for porn then also dating sites but out of curiosity, I’ve never had a profile and even less would encounter people that way because I’m too afraid of AIDS and I want to live in peace. Project, we can say that in so many things that you have written I can find myself quite well. I think I’m a serious guy and from Gay Project I really understood many things, first of all, that a gay man who lived a straight life like mine is not the white fly, I might have gone very far but there are a lot of gay men who have had a girl and I think maybe we could understand each other better, maybe I’m wrong, but they somehow had an experience more similar to mine. The curiosity I have is so big, let us be clear, I do not know what it means to have a relationship with a guy, what has to do with sex and what to do to come to have sex, and the concept of “gay guy” to me is a bit between myth and mystery, I dream about a beautiful boyfriend, just like many hot guys I see on the street, but I have a little fear, fear of being naive, not to really understand what could cross the brain of a gay guy. From what I read on Gay Project it should be interesting but I think about a lot of things that put me very embarrassed and probably I have in mind, as you say, a lot of things deduced from pornography that gay guys have nothing to do with. The fear is not essentially  about sexual things but about emotional feeling, I do not know how it works between two guys, I’m used to understand the reactions of a girl but I cannot imagine those of a guy. To tell you the truth it’s not even so much the strictly sexual things that interest me, I wish above all a relationship of pampering, I’d like to fall asleep next to him, looking him right in the eyes and say I love you. Sometimes I felt stupid to want such things, but now I’m starting to think that there are a lot of guys like me. I would like to add one more thing and that is that I found very interesting the interviews on gay sexuality, I’ve read some with great curiosity and made me feel less alone.

Project, this is my msn (- omissis -), perhaps I’ll start by talking to you if you’re okay, then maybe … who knows … Answer me if you can, I’d love to chat.

See you soon. G. G.

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HOMOSEXUAL EXPERIENCES FROM GAY AND STRAIGHT POINT OF VIEW

Hello Project,
I am a 22 y. o. guy, and even at my age, I have serious doubts about my sexuality. I feel emotionally led to the girls, I fall in love with girls, I’m fine with girls and sometimes I even had sex with girls, although relationships were little exciting for me, but I still cannot masturbate thinking about a girl. I tried several times but it is as if there was some sort of resistance, on the contrary when I had sex with a girl it somehow worked. I also tried with hetero porn but even there I do not feel any real involvement. I masturbate only thinking about guys or, rarely, watching gay porn. The fantasies of masturbation are almost all related to two incidents that I think have deeply affected my sex life. The first incident happened when I was 15 y. o. and the second when I was almost 19. Up to 15 years I had always thought to be straight and I masturbated thinking about girls, without much enthusiasm to tell the truth, but really only about girls. When I was 15, during a trip organized by the school, I found myself in a room with another guy, there weren’t as usually two separate beds but only a double bed. At first it seemed a bit strange to me, but I had slept a few other times with my mates in similar situations. When we went to bed we started to talk about sexual matters and tell each other everything, even the fact that we masturbated thinking about girls. Then, I asked him if, when he did it, he used to think only about girls and he told me that sometimes he thought about some guy, it seemed strange to him but he had thought also about guys and after all he told it would be a pleasant thing, not like with girls, but it would be nice anyway. I did not expect an answer like that, so direct and honest. Then he asked me if I thought only about girls and I did not have the heart to lie and I told him that when I masturbated I used to think only about girls but that, for me, thinking about sex with a guy was not something disgusting as many young guys say and that, indeed, what he had just told me did not seem so strange to me. I asked him whether he was gay and he said that he felt fully straight but he thought that so many straight guys do sometimes sex with their friends, even just to play. I said, “Well, yes, I think that happens.” Then I asked him if he was excited to stay in bed with me and he said yes, and I asked if I could check, he said: Go! And I picked his c..k up. Then he asked if I was excited and I told him that I was as well, and at this point he picked up mine. It turned out that we masturbated each other. Then it did not happen anything similar even if I wanted to violently, he continued to be with his girlfriend and we never again talked about, between us nothing changed. But for me, everything had changed because what had happened had been a very strong and quite a natural experience, without being forced from either side. After that day, I put aside fantasies about girls and I started to masturbate only remembering that night. But it was not all so easy, I was convinced I was gay and I cursed that night because if it had not happened I would have been a normal straight guy and had a life like that of all the other guys. And instead that night had changed my life. Two things made me feel bad, first of all I did not accept that my life could be so violently impressed by something like that and then I did not understand why the life of the guy with whom I had done such things instead was not changed at all. Why had I to be gay because of something like that and that guy was not? I have done everything to find a girl to love, then, finally, at 17, it happened. I knew a beautiful girl who fell in love with me, cuddled me and inspired me so much tenderness, she devoted herself to me with affection and I at the end, when I had just turned 18, had sex with her for the first time in the sense that we touched each other and then we came to masturbate each other. I was excited and I thought that I was not gay, then I came home but I felt strange, That evening I didn’t want to masturbate recalling the usual night with that guy, I wanted to do it thinking about my girl and I tried in every way, but couldn’t even maintain my erection, I felt dazed, then went back to the usual fantasies and so I came to the end. I told myself that things could not go this way, now I had a girlfriend and I had to delete all of masturbation because it was only a thing to kids and now I had to live an adult sexuality. With the best effort I could I put aside the solitary masturbation and limited myself to be masturbated by my girlfriend, then after a month I for once masturbated alone always thinking about that night. Things went on like that for a few months and I did everything I could to completely erase the memory of that damn night, then something new and unexpected happened, I know a wonderful guy and I’m fascinated though I try to avoid him because I do not want to be gay, then I start to look for information on this guy to get an idea a little more complete. I am told that he hasn’t a girlfriend and has never had but he never even had strange behavior. After resisting for a while I began to masturbate thinking about this guy and started to give him a court ruthless but fair, and he realizes it. One day I invited him for a weekend of camping and he accepts. The night we talk in the tent, the embarrassment is very strong, then I say that “maybe” I took half a crush on him, that is, in fact, I say only that he is a beautiful guy and I like him a lot then I ask him if he’s gay, he says he’s straight and has a girlfriend, who is now away for a semester because she is studying in another city, then he asks me if I’m gay and I say that I have a girlfriend, he replies: “… I think my life I will be with my girlfriend … well even I like you … but of course we are a bit strange the two of us …” then things went on and we ended up masturbating each other. In the end he concludes: “Of course a girl would never be able to do that as well a guy does…” And so it all ends. I think he is gay and in the following days I begin to pester him and he tells me that it happened but that he is not gay and that does not feel right to go forward, then he almost begins to escape me, not to be longer found, not to answer the phone and I fell very disappointed. Of course with my girlfriend all went wrong. Now I’m alone to lick my wounds. I just cannot understand how that experience, when I was 15, may have upset so my life. Why should I be gay for a so absurd reason? Even now I want a girl, but then, at sexual level, I realize that now for me it’s impossible to live a satisfactory sexuality with a girl. What do you think Project?

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