GAY FRIENDSHIP AND GAY LOVE VIA CHAT

This post aims to clarify some of the focal points of the virtual relationships (chat, e-mail and forums) that may arise between gay guys. On the definition of love and friendship in general terms were written many books and is not my intention to discuss the Two Chief World Systems, but if you want to give to the word love a connotation that is not too abstract, it must be assumed that falling in love is may not be limited to intellectual affinity or to sharing moral values but must necessarily involve physical-physiological feelings related to sexuality in a profound way.

At this point a remark is necessary. When, in real life, a gay guy falls in love with another guy, his falling in love doesn’t start from the intellectual level or from the possible cultural affinities but from the physical attraction, i.e. by a whole set of factors that depend on the physicality of the other: smile, physique, voice, body attitudes, the tendency to behave more or less seductive.

This is so true that often gay guys fall in love with straight guys far away from them in every way, but able to embody “physically” their ideal guy. If a guy seems physically attractive we begin to ask ourselves questions about him and seek a closer contact in terms of dialogue, in practice we are interested in that guy. This mechanism of falling in love, which is typical of real life, cannot operate through the internet where everything remains detached from the physical dimension. In these situations is involved a projective mechanism that makes us imagine the guy with whom we are talking in chat according to our categories.

I stop for a moment to clarify what is a projective mechanism and how it may be conditioning reporting a concrete example.

There is a way to test the sexual orientation based on the reading a story “not sexually connoted”, i. e. that does not have in the text in any evidence to clarify with certainty whether one of the characters is a guy or a girl (lack of pronouns such as he or she, him or her and so on). The text then, in itself, is neutral.

When the story is read by a straight guy, that guy interprets it according to his categories as a straight story. But when the story is read by a gay guy, reading is not so automatic and often the guy comes to notice that the text hasn’t any sexual connotation, what a straight guy almost always doesn’t notice. On this basis it’s possible to construct projective tests for the determination of sexual orientation that have a concrete reliability. The projective reading is basically the reason of the charm of literature or the cinema because we project ourselves in the events and interpret them according to our experience.

An exchange of mail, a conversation via chat or a dialogue on a forum creates a text, more specifically a text written “with four hands”. This text has the characteristics of literature, even more accentuated by the fact that it is built with four hands, that is the better situation for projective readings but while the projective reading of a book is not aimed at the construction of an interpersonal relationship and everything remains inside the mind of the reader, in exchanging texts via the internet the projective inclination must sooner or later come to terms with the fact that on the other side there is another guy with his projections on the same conversation. There is basically the risk of misunderstanding, compounded by the fact that many chats remain at extremely symbolic and sublimated level and therefore are extremely open to projective interpretation. The projective mechanisms in contacts via the internet can be so important to bring even to put aside the idea of meeting the other guy in person because that could disturb or destroy the projective mechanism which in itself is apparently rewarding.

I would add that often in conversations in chat among gay guys is common the mechanism of the “drift towards the language of love” that is, the gradual and automatic indulge in a language that looks more and more like a language of love. It’s not at all uncommon that two guys who have never met in person end up talking like lovers. The emotional investment in these mechanisms is often very high and the projective dimension is so strong that the risk that the conversation is only the starting point for the construction of stories that exist only in fantastic projections is very real. Basically we create a partner to our measure, completing in a projective way the real elements (often of very low significance) that emerge from real dialogue. This is so true that a gay guy gets to fall in love with a straight guy, reading every single element that does not appear 100% straight as a sign of possible homosexuality and devaluating all those elements, usually very clear, showing that the guy is 100% straight. But

I must underline that the mechanism also operates in relationships between gay guys, that is, between guys who know with certainty that the other guy is gay. The projective mechanism reaches the point of attributing to the other guy a projective physical identity that doesn’t belong to him at all, that is, to embody him in an image that represents the projective ideal for the gay who fell in love with him. It gets to the point that the projective image of the other is also loaded with sexual values and it’s possible for a guy to experience a true sexual attraction towards another guy who he has never met. In practice we can fall in love also sexually with a person that 90% has been created by our projective imagination that also attributes to him a body according to what we want. The drift towards the language of love does the rest and gives the distinct impression that you are building a true love story. But in all this there is a fundamental error, in practice the natural mechanism that leads from the physical attraction to the affection and love is quite upset.

Just remember that to fall in love in the true sense of the word physical and physiological involvements are essential but must be addressed to a real person, not to an image created by the projective fantasy. Some substitutes of the physical presence, such as photos or images sent by a camera cannot in any way replace the physical presence itself that remains the necessary element of the real falling in love, I mean that without the physical presence and without a genuine form of physical and physiological involvement there is no love.

I would warn guys who meet in chat to avoid the drift towards the language of love that only creates expectations that can be completely destroyed even by a short meeting where we realize that our projections had nothing in common with reality and that the speech (only the speech) went on to freewheel, far beyond reality. It is generally very easy to go on chatting using strong expressions, to say “I love you” and even without any real base but it is very difficult to resize these statements later, when they have already created big expectations that the direct personal knowledge has contradicted. At this point, if when the two guys meet, the disappointment is mutual, after all, the problem is easily solved because the expectations from both sides collapse at the same time, but if one is disillusioned and the other one feels physically strongly attracted, asymmetries become very strong and situations are difficult to manage.

In chat rooms or via e-mail, i.e. without direct personal knowledge, it is quite possible and I would say very less risky to create friendships, which are much less affected by projective mechanisms than possible love stories. I notice that the spontaneous tendency of guys is to look for a boyfriend to fall in love with, rather than one or more real friends in chat, but the tools are much more suited to the creation and maintenance of friendships than to the creation of love stories. As a good rule of prudence I would say that it would be good to reserve discourses with strong affective connotation only to people who you have actually met even outside the chat or forum that is you have known in person.

And here comes an important consideration. When two guys meet, being really two in front of each other, in real life after they have met in chat, the meeting gains a very strong affective connotation thet makes it appear as a step towards the construction of an important and reciprocal story. This is why it is usually better to build relationships that start from friendship, meeting as a group and not as a couple, that is, starting relationships that do not create too many expectations that could turn into disillusionment. Friendship is always the first step, if the physical presence is engaging and encouraging then it may make sense to go a further step, otherwise the friendship remains and is not affected by the fact that is not followed by a story with a higher involvement because expectations have not been fed in the dark.

I would like to conclude that the internet (used with great caution, for heaven’s sake!) provides opportunities but can also create heavy disappointments and that if you love someone, even if only as a friend, you must avoid to deceive him letting him run towards cold final showers that leave a sense of deep sorrow. So it is good to always keep an attitude of responsibility and think before about the possible consequences of what you do and you say.

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If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum:

http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/viewtopic.php?f=15&t=94

A GAY COUPLE BEYOND SEX

Hello Project,

I decided to send you this email to ask you what you think of gay life as a couple. In principle, I believe that the legal equality of gay civil unions with heterosexual marriage is something entirely justified. It comes to relationships of love and solidarity in which there is certainly a sex-related component but in the end the relationship that is created in a stable gay couple is far more complex. I’m 50, I cohabited for many years with my partner, he’s 52 (let’s call him Danny). When we first met we were pretty young and there was a mutual strong sexual attraction between us. I thought several times that both me and him could meet other guys and our relationship would be over. At that time I did not think I was a nice guy and I had many psychological problems related to my physical appearance. We never made promises to each other of eternal love because no one knows the future and therefore no one can hypothecate it, but instead we tried not to give too much meaning to our relationship in terms of mutual obligations. He often told me that I should feel free and he would have loved me even if I was not his boyfriend. He repeated that to love each other it’s not necessary to live in an exclusive relationship as a couple. We had not planned to live together, each of us had his friends and continued to attend them, but we have always been the benchmark for each other. The first few months, for us, sex was something very common in practice daily or almost daily, then the frequency of sexual intercourse began to thin out, but not because I or he should go to seek sex with other people, simply because we didn’t feel the need, we talked less in chat, but when we talked the talk was real and serious. Together we were still good, I did not know whether or not to consider him my boyfriend but in fact his presence was very important for me. Then, in a night of torrential rain, when I was 28, I had a bad car accident and was in an induced coma for ten days, when I started to wake up and realize that something serious had happened that would change my life, I immediately thought of Danny and he was there, next to me and spoke to me. I was very confused and not yet able to understand what he was saying. I was hospitalized for six months and Danny was always close to me, more than my father and my mother. He was already working at that time, but his time off from work was dedicated entirely to me. In the hospital they thought he was my brother. One day the doctor gave me a new radio and told me that “my brother” had asked him to give it to me. I explained to the doctor that he was not my brother but my boyfriend, and he asked me surprised? “Really?” I said yes and he told me: “You’re lucky! That guy really loves you! “But I did not know what would happen next, because I was alive, of course, but I was already physically compromised and I would never be the old strong Bob again. One evening, when we were alone, he looks me in the eyes and says, “I need to tell you something important.” I expected him to tell me that he would go on his way, and I might have to accept it, and instead he said: “How willing are you to live with me?” I tried to take some time and asked him to leave me a couple of days to think about, because it is a very important thing. I didn’t want to condemn Danny to help me, I loved him too and especially I didn’t want him to be close to me because he felt sorry for me. At the end I told him that I did not want to live with him. He did not insist, and just said: “Ok, we will have to reconsider it best!” After a few days he was back again on the subject, told me that he had talked with my parents and also with his and my parents would agree. Danny actually has always had a great relationship with my father. In my opinion, my father accepted my homosexuality easily because he had met Denny and knew that Danny always loved me. I tried to make him understand that I was no longer the guy I was before the accident and that I would not ever again, he could have had more easily an happier life without me than with me. He replied: “Bob, if I wanted to leave I would have already done and I will make you some proposals.” I told him I did not want a guy who felt compelled to be near me. He pulled an envelope out of his pocket, took my hand and slipped a wedding ring on my finger, just like the ones that are blessed in the church, then he slipped the other ring on his own finger and said: “I slipped you this wedding ring, if at any time will be a problem for you to be with me, just remove the ring and I’ll understand without much talking but I will continue to love you the same. “Since that day we have never removed our rings. I left the hospital and went to live with him in a tiny apartment in the city, near the place where he works. The early months were tough, I had several surgeries, then the neurologist said that he thought a re-education could bring considerable benefits. We do not have enough money to be able to afford a real physical therapist, and Danny so tried to be my therapist. Through the lessons online and with the help of a physiotherapist friend who occasionally came to see me, Danny was able to bring me back to the use of my legs. The neurologist could not believe his eyes. After a year I was able to move unaided in the house. When I turned 30 I was now completely independent, I could leave the house alone and also go up and down the stairs. Just to go up and get off the buses I needed help. Then Danny began to think that I could even get my license using a car with minor changes in the controls and in the end we have been able to do that too. The day that I got the license we went out of town together and I drove the car! In recent years there have been moments of misunderstanding but we never considered the possibility of cutting off our relationship. When we have our moments of intimacy I feel happy, not because of the sex itself but because it is a way to communicate with each other and to tell we are still in love. Sex has its importance, but my relationship with Danny, now more than ever, is not based on sex. We are not yet old men but the first signs of age are nearby. Danny not only allowed me to live a somehow normal life at the physical level despite the accident but for me he is my future. I am unable to think of myself as single, now we are inevitably part of a couple. There is a thought that scares me,  it’s the idea of ​​losing Danny. Sooner or later one of us will go and the other one will be terribly lonely. for the one who will survive life will be irreparably broken. We are gay and unfortunately for an old gay man age is synonymous with loneliness, but it is not a loneliness like that experienced by young people, when you are still self-sufficient. Age for a gay old  man means loneliness when you are no longer self-sufficient. However, now we are here and we do not want to think about bad things and I hope to spend with my Denny many, many years. I just wanted to say that the couple’s life lived with love makes you understand to a higher level what does the word solidarity mean.

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If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum:  http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/viewtopic.php?f=15&t=34.