GAY GUYS, HOMOPHOBIA AND DATING SITES

This post will highlight the consequences on gay people of the social non-integration of homosexuality and of the widespread environmental homophobia in terms of loss of the affective dimension of sexuality, of increasing transgressive meaning of sexuality and of spread of AIDS risk.

In front of many suicides of gay teens  around the world who came to the headlines of the newspapers (many are deliberately hidden because of a choice of families), in front of those who lost their lives because of homophobic hatred, in the front of the frequent and marked incitement to discrimination and hatred operated by religious circles, people who have a sense of morality cannot remain indifferent. The homophobic and discriminatory attitudes receive daily incredible legitimations. Fortunately, in many states the civilization of the law is an obstacle to homophobic hatred and a boost to the integration of homosexuals, but it is undeniable that even in the twenty-first century, even in countries where homosexuality is not considered a crime, and even where the rights have been extended to gay marriage and adoption policies, there is, however, at the social level, a form of silent but powerful discrimination that acts on gay people from an early age and accustoms them to the exclusion, as if the exclusion was their inevitable destiny.

What are the consequences of all this?

When a teenager realizes that his affection and sexuality are deeply and often violently discriminated by both the family and the social environment, many reactions are possible: the tendency to self-repression and depression, the attitudes of rebellion and challenge to the family and society. In any case, beyond the external reactions, a search activity for discussion and dialogue is set in motion that cannot find a serious answer either in families or in schools or in the religious, social or recreational activities. And it is precisely at this point that are involved other tools available today that have changed the prospects of gay guys from ten years now, I talk about the internet and what guys can find on the internet, not only in terms of comparison and dialog but also the terms of easy sexual offer, that is, dating sites and video-chats.

There are sites on the net dedicated to an extremely serious information and comparison among gay people but it must be said that these sites are a little minority among services offered by the web and the audience of these sites is definitely very little. The vast majority of sites labeled gay consists of pornography, dating sites and video-chats.

Whatever for a straight guy belongs to a normal emotional and sexual life, that may be experienced under the eyes of everyone, including family, like falling in love, exchanging tenderness with his partner, speaking openly about his feelings, for a gay guy is on the contrary either impossible or extremely complicated. A gay guy has serious difficulties in declaring his love to another guy, he cannot talk to friends or family and if he gets to have a guy, with very few exceptions, keeps him far away from the family.

If a gay guy is not allowed to be realized in his family and social environment, inevitably tends to achieve his realization through different ways, and here the easy way is also the most dangerous, I’m talking about dating sites and sex chats.

The huge number of users of the erotic chats and dating sites should make us reflect. These sites are the answer, and often the only answer, even if dysfunctional, to the real affective and sexual needs that can neither be ignored nor suppressed. If for a guy it becomes impossible to live a normal sexual and emotional life openly, with the knowledge and acceptance of family and society, it is inevitable that the guy looks elsewhere for the realization of his expectations, which are anyway the normal expectations of any guy but that appear deviant and pathological because are related to another guy instead to a girl. Trying to curb and suppress a real need and prevent its development according to the normal channels automatically means encourage the development of alternative channels through which the need could find an answer. It happens a bit as in the “prohibition”: banning the use of alcohol in the common places of sale and consumption means promoting other distribution channels.

DATING SITES

The dating sites have been created to provide easy sex encounters to users, this applies to heterosexual and is even more true for gays: “if in everyday life it is almost impossible to find a gay guy, or better, to choose one, taking for granted that he is also sexually available without any complications, the dating site solves the problem for you”, you can see the profiles of the guys, more or less explicit photos that they have entered, you can upload your photos on the site and above all, in practice, you are sure to find many and quick answers from which to choose your ideal partner. A gay man is led to believe that nothing is possible in everyday life instead everything becomes real through the dating site. In practice, the dating site is seen as the unique and irreplaceable tool for the creation not only of a sexual contact but for the realization of all emotional life. The dating site looks like the response to a deep emotional need that does not find any answers elsewhere and is loaded, because of this, with a lot of fundamental affective expectations.

The dating sites are becoming, year after year, accepted as “normal” in the life of a gay guy and this is due precisely to the social rejection of homosexuality just because the “prohibition” facilitates the creation of alternative channels to live however the emotional and sexual life.

APPROACH PHASE

Before registering on a dating site a guy lives contributing moments of uncertainty and fluctuation between the temptation and the resizing of the emotional expectations. In front of people who have strong concerns over the use of these sites, classical answers are indicative: “You are biased!” “I know that many clever guys have registered.” “But they are not all mad for sex.” “I have nothing against these sites but I didn’t register and I think I will not,” In general, a sentence like this last comes shortly before the registration.

NARCISSISM

When a guy walks into a dating site he is usually very favorably impressed by the fact that he can find a lot young people in the site, many of which are also in his area and then are actually contactable. To publish your photos on a dating site, especially if it is a site for gays, involves a certain risk of being labeled, but this risk is easily put aside due to a narcissistic impulse. In general gay guys, even if they are objectively very beautiful, are convinced that they didn’t find a boyfriend because they are physically not up to the task, the dating site offers an answer to these guys. The publication of personal photos followed by a rain of contacts, is something that rewards appropriately the narcissistic dimension: “If there are so many guys who are looking for me I am not so bad!”

SEXUAL PROMISCUITY

Usually when a guy gets a lot of contacts on a dating site, he is brought to consider them as he considered an affective request received in ordinary life. The high number of contacts received induces to overlook the fact that guys who have left us their contact did exactly the same with many other guys and that contacts are just in order to get easy sexual exchanges without commitment. The most serious risk of the dating sites is the HIV risk, i.e. the risk of being infected with the AIDS virus but there is a risk of sexual transmission for many serious diseases such as viral hepatitis, herpes virus and the human papilloma virus. Sexual promiscuity is the first risk factor in sexually transmitted diseases. It’s amazing how guys who have about other topics, a highly efficient rationality end up putting everything aside coming to talk about “risk acceptance” or to underestimate the risk based on the assumption that the condom is a sufficient guarantee. Often the level of superficiality is such that they are content with general statements of the other in relation to his health: “He said that he’s fine and that he gets tested for HIV every six months.” I note in passing that a guy who frequents dating sites and gets tested for HIV every six months is probably concerned that he’s likely to be HIV positive. As a result of the decrease in anti-AIDS campaigns it is also common to see the underestimation of AIDS itself and the belief that “now it is a disease that can be overcome with the right treatment.”

DEPRESSIVE PHASE AND DEPENDENCE

After the first sexual encounters, the guys begin to notice that their first partners disappear and that no loving relationship can be created. All this is sometimes seen as an “experiment” waiting finally for the guy with whom you can build a real relationship, and sometimes and more frequently as an inescapable reality that proves that it’s impossible for a gay man to build long-term relationship with another man as a couple. Month after month, the feeling that it is just a sexual game that distracts from the necessary commitments such as study and work prevails, and this feeling triggers a mechanism of addiction, quite similar to the one that creates the drug dependency, i. e. alternating phases in which guys intend to unsubscribe from the dating sites and delete all the contacts of the people they had met in that environment and phases in which the depressive response to the emptiness, due to the abandonment of dating sites, quickly takes over and leads back to the sites to look for new contacts. Generally, we can say that addiction has already been established when the intention to abandon the site is not followed by the actual deletion of the contacts.

CONSOLIDATION OF DEPENDENCE

When the dependency is consolidated over the years, you end up accepting it as irreversible and to assume that “it had to go this way.” In reality, these guys, now grown men, were deprived of their emotions and they threw it away themselves to look for a simple solution to their problems. In this way, homosexuality, which in itself is a way of loving, becomes a degraded exercise of sexuality without emotions and inevitably leads to a sense of deep solitude, which doesn’t depend at all on being gay, because there are many gay guys who realized their dreams, but depends on having spent many years in a sort of true addiction. The drug dependency does not bring happiness but only the momentary illusion of being happy at the cost of becoming dependent; in the same way dating sites do not fulfill and cannot fulfill at all the dreams of love of a gay guy because they have been created for another purpose and also lead to addictions. The responsibility of this belongs to the guys who are looking for a chance to be themselves in a hostile world? Belongs to those who take advantage of the naivety and the problems of others in order to obtain an economic profit managing dating sites? Or belongs to those who allow all this fueling homophobia and the marginalization of gay guys and in fact helping, with their discriminatory self-righteousness, the growth of dating sites and the expansion of sexually transmitted diseases, which are inevitably associated with these new social uses? To you the answer.

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If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum:

http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/viewtopic.php?f=16&t=87

DANGEROUS GAY DATING

This post is dedicated to dangerous gay dating and is aimed primarily at younger guys but also at older guys who have no real knowledge of environments and potentially dangerous situations.

Among gays, as among heterosexuals, there are people who are looking for easy sex taking advantage of all the opportunities that the network can offer that are very many, some classic and well known like sex chats and dating sites, whose declared aim, in a more or less explicit way, is to combine sexual encounters, others far more subtle, that capture young guys often completely unprepared.

I try to explain with an example. A gay guy has a blog or facebook profile in which people can find his personal data that enable the identification, that guy publishes on his blog or on his profile contents that allow an experienced eye to identify him as gay (it is not necessary that the content is explicit). With a quick search via google for the sex hunter it is easy to identify similar situations. Identified the target, typically through a photo, which allows to immediately discard uninteresting people, the sex hunter adds a “serious” comment on the Blog of the guy or in his profile in order to stimulate the interest of the victim. I emphasize that, in principle, the commentary added tends to respond to the expectations of the potential victim or to emphasize the similarity with the victim: same language, very similar age, very similar emotional attitudes. Following are three authentic messages left on blogs and profiles of guys identified as gay by sex hunters (people which later have been clearly identified as sex hunters):

“Hello, I read your post and I felt like crying, but why do we feel so bad? It’s not fair! You are a guy so sensitive and must stay that way. I have happened the same thing. Relationships with my parents were terrible, traumatic, relationships with friends nothing at all, now I’m alone and I do not know where to turn. If you want to talk a little, this is my contact [omitted]. “

“I do not know if it happens to you, but I really need physically to be near a guy and no one is near me, I never had a guy but I miss a guy so much. You’re right when you say that masturbation is not enough anymore. I also want a real guy near me! Please, contact me. “

“What a beautiful post! I’m tired, I always tell lies, I would like to be able to speak with a guy in my real life, I would like to understand how he lives, I would fall in love, I can’t stand no more to be alone! If you want to talk I’m here. “

Into these messages you can identify some subliminal contents which can be summarized as follows:
1) I’m a guy like you, more or less your age and with problems similar to yours
2) I have never had a boyfriend (encouraging message that tends to exorcise the risk of aids)

If the first message is followed by a response from the recipient, in the reply of the guy who is searching for sex appears immediately or very soon the question: “Where are you from?” (If the information is not deductible from the blog or from the profile of the victim) and the request for the exchange of pictures. Both the questions “where are you from?” and the exchange of photos are used to make a selection: if the victim doesn’t look pleasing to the sex hunter or lives in places far away the exchange of messages is designed to fade quickly, on the contrary in case the victim’s residence is in the same city of the sex hunter and the gay has a pleasing appearance starts a “short” period of contact in chat, a period that usually does not exceed a week. If the sex hunter sees the other guy showing very reserved attitudes he may decide to let him go in order not to waste too much time, if he sees instead a real interest (if he is called on the phone by the victim, if the conversation comes early to touch though moderately explicit sexual contents) you will arrive at the inevitable invitation to behold in person. Of course, the invitation is offered to “talk” to “drink”, to “know each other better.”

I emphasize that the sex hunter does not make references of a sexual nature, he puts things in terms of friendship, tends to create affectionate intimacy with the victim but also tends to “shorten the time of the contacts in chat” and goes as soon as possible to a face to face meeting. I reproduce below an excerpt from a chat between a 32 y. o. sex hunter and a 16 y. o. guy (names have been changed).

32 y. o. writes – Hello Mark, are you okay?
16 y. o. writes – I was waiting for your call!
32 y. o. writes – Well, I enjoy very much chatting with you, in fact just as much …
16 y. o. writes – I’m happy! In practice last night I was up all night … and I don’t tell you why
32 y. o. writes – Come on, why?
16 y. o. writes – Well I thought about everything you said to me yesterday, about your story and the fact that, really that guy did not deserved you, basically he just deluded you
32 y. o. writes – And yes in a way it is just that, but I do not care so much about sex, however, I felt betrayed, mocked, for me to fall in love is a serious thing, I don’t like at all the guys who take sex as a game.
16 y. o. writes – But, you know, people are not all like you and there are also guys who only think about sex and a little I can understand them, because in the end a guy thinks a lot about sex, not only that, but certainly he does.
32 y. o. writes – Well, yes, ok, but in the end taking care of yourself is another thing, maybe you think I’m too traditional but if you fall in love with a guy you have to do it seriously
16 y. o. writes – I agree, but in the end there is also sex
32 y. o. writes – But where are you from? Because we talked about everything but this, I’m in Milan
16 y. o. writes – Really? Me too! And where exactly?
32 y. o. writes – San Siro and you?
16 y. o. writes – I Niguarda. At the end we live very close!
32 y. o. writes – What do you think if we were to see in person, for a drink or something
16 y. o. writes – Actually, I’d like to but I’m not used to go to the gay clubs
32 y. o. writes – No gay clubs at all! I don’t like such things. No, I’m talking about a coffee shop with a tea room. I would never go to a gay bar.
16 y. o. writes – Ah, ok, that’s fine by me
32 y. o. writes – This evening?
16 y. o. writes – Yes, but not so late because my parents expect me to be home before eleven
32 y. o. writes – At eleven o’clock you’ll get back home safe, I’ll take you back
16 y. o. writes – Then what time and where?
32 y. o. writes – If you tell me where, I I’ll pick you home
16 y. o. writes – I am at [omissis]
32 y. o. writes – Well I’ll be there at six, right?
16 y. o. writes – Perfect!
32 y. o. writes – My phone is [omitted], if you give me yours, in case of need I can call
16 y. o. writes – Ok here [omissis], then I’ll wait for you at six THANK YOU!
32 y. o. writer – Thank you! See you at six. Bye!
16 y. o. writes – Bye!

This way the 32 y. o. came to know where the 16 y. o. lives and even his phone number [always pay attention before giving other people addresses or phone numbers, including cell phone, allowing your identification!]. Up to this point theoretically nothing would suggest that the 32 y. o. is a sex hunter. It should be emphasized that when a sex hunter realizes that he has to do with a guy who has already had a lot of experiences in general is more cautious because the other knows how things grow and also because the fear of AIDS sometimes holds the sex hunters back, especially when they feel that you are in potentially dangerous situations.

I emphasize that the chat which I quoted above does not end with an invitation to the 16 y. o. by 32 y.o. to meet at the home of 32 y. o. because it would sound strange and the invitation would be refused, but with an invitation that apparently has nothing to do with a meeting for sex.

The 32 y. o. of the chat above shows affectively at 18.00 o’clock to the meeting place with a nice car cleaned and polished for the occasion, and elegantly dressed, but without excess. The bar chosen is an average but the table is quite separate and apart. The real conversation develops more or less like this (the text was reconstructed from the 16 y. o. after about two weeks):

32 y. o. writes – You know you’re a really a nice guy?
16 y. o. writes – Come on!
32 y. o. writes – You have two beautiful eyes!
At this time, taking advantage of the embarrassment of the 16 y. o., the 32 y. o. starts the first physical contact, rests his leg on the boy’s leg, as if it were random, the guy responds with a sheepish grin.
32 y. o. writes – If it bothers you I’ll take it off …
16 y. o. writes – No, come on, no problem …
32 y. o. writes – What a beautiful smile you have! You have a very sweet face of a male, a rare thing …
16 y. o. writes – Come on…
32 y. o. writer – You are high, just to look good, you look older than your age and you have also beautiful hands
16 y. o. writes – Come on … you’re embarrassing me …
32 y. o. writes – You have beautiful lips … look into my eyes, you know that you can see the soul in the eyes and yours is beautiful … Can I hold your hand? Come on please … under the table, so no one can see us … here … how nice! … sit down here next to me, well … I feel your heat … I wanna kiss, I miss your lips, … it will be beautiful

The 32 y. o. brings the hand of the guy to rest on his hard penis, the guy does not move the hand from there, what authorizes the 32 y. o. to feel the penis of the 16 y. o. which of course is totally rigid. Now the sexual contact is established, and the 16 year old has expressed clearly his consent. The 32 y. o. does not dare the proposal to go to his house, but proposes to go in the car to feel more confident and comfortable.

32 y. o. writes – I’d eat you with kisses, hug you tight to hurt you! By now we have to stay a little quiet so we calm down and we can go a little in the car. You are not only beautiful you are also sexy! Eh eh! Oh, if you feel uncomfortable I’ll take you home, you just have to say …
16 y. o. writes – Come on, no problem, a little embarrassment because it is my first time, however, it is nice, I feel very strong sex drive, when you touched me I was about to come.
32 y. o. writes – now I think I’m in condition to go out …
16 y. o. writes – I’m not! wait a bit, now I just cannot.
32 y. o. writes – But you’re really beautiful!
16 y. o. writes – Look, if you go on this way we’ll have to wait until tomorrow …, wait … I’ll use the jacket, I don’t think people will notice …
32 y. o. writes – No, not at all … these are the keys, go in the car, I pay the bill and join you
16 y. o. writes – Ok …

When they are in the car sexual contact becomes more explicit. The sex hunter does not exaggerate to consolidate slowly the consent of the 16 y. o., they arrive at mutual masturbation, and do not go any further, but the sexual involvement of the 16 y. o. is now complete and the 16 y. o. suggests oral sex, the 32 y. o. seems reluctant “I do not know if it’s right … but probably it’s too much…” but then, of course, he accepts and the 16 y. o. has the impression that he had leaded the game.

At this point appear the assurances of the absence of the AIDS risk:

32 y. o. writes – Don’t worry! No problem for the AIDS, I am a blood donor and I’m very careful and then I never had a boyfriend and I’ve never had sex with anyone, so you can feel comfortable.

Obviously he is NOT a blood donor, because a 32 y. o. guy who has sex on the first encounter with a 16 y. o. is not at his first sexual experience and it is extremely unlikely that a guy who has a promiscuous sex life is a blood donor, because on this point transfusion centers are very careful to avoid as much as possible to release some pockets of infected blood. Therefore or the 32 y. o. lies at the interview by blood transfusion center, what really is criminal not only stupid, or he cannot become a donor . The only serious reassurance about AIDS you can get is get tested for AIDS together with the gay and repeat the test after the window period (6 months or less with the latest and more sensitive tests). Only this way you can be sure that the test has been actually done and that the results prove the absence of risk. Trust the claims of a 32 y. o. who when he first meets a 16 y. o. guy has sex with him is get heavily at risk. The “LOW aids risk” on certain sexual practices considered less dangerous does not mean that instead of AIDS, since the risk is low, you get a cold, but that is less likely to become infected, but if you become infected you’ll become certainly HIV positive with all that this entails. USE YOUR BRAIN BEFORE ANY SEXUAL CONTACT. IT’IS TO SAVE YOU LIVE!

The 16 y. o., at the end of his first experience with the 32 y. o. does not feel depressed or victim, but feels great, has the impression of being able to have a power over an older guy, to be free to do whatever he wants and is also pleased with himself, he considers what he did as an experience of love and passion and sees the older gay as his 32 y. o. boyfriend, would become the center of the life of that guy, knowing everything about his life, in practice, would like to build a partnership with him, but this is where dreams break down. The 32 y. o. has his life in which the 16 y. o. cannot and must not enter, the 32 y. o. is not available when the 16 y. o. wants him to be there but the 16 y. o. must to be always available when the 32 y. o. calls him . It’s impossible to talk about the test for AIDS because the answer is always the same: “I told you that there is no risk!” Least of all you can see the blood donor card, you can instead see the results of an HIV not recent test, according to which the 32 y. o. is HIV-negative. But this means only one thing and that is that the 32 y. o. had in other situations, the fear of being HIV positive and for this reason took the test, what is not reassuring at all. The guys who have never had sexual intercourses have obviously never been tested for HIV, on the contrary who has been tested must have had some concern related to sex most likely at risk.

I add one more consideration, after an unprotected intercourse and even after a low risk behavior (low risk does not mean no risk) generally occurs the fear of AIDS, fear that UNFORTUNATELY OCCURS ALWAYS AFTER AND NOT BEFORE, and the guys takes the test that must be repeated after a few months. All this, however, deprives them quiet for a long time, even though, fortunately, are not so frequent the cases where you end up HIV-positive because of an intercourse with a person you do not know with certainty whether or not is HIV-negative.

The relationship between the 16 y. o. and 32 y. o. ends when the 16 y. o. becomes aware of being just a sexual diversion and nothing more, then occurs the sense of frustration and confusion and he has the impression of having thrown away his sexuality with a person who was nothing but a sex hunter, and if it was his first sexual experience, an experience like this will affect for a while the sexuality of the 16 y. o.. But one thing must be said: EVEN IF IT ‘S BETTER TO USE YOUR BRAIN BEFORE THAN AFTER, IT’S ALWAYS GOOD TO START USING IT!

CONCLUSIONS
Stories like the one shown in this article HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH GAY LOVE, are squalid stories of unscrupulous boarding and ingenuity, two ingredients that when put together become very dangerous. The gay love is a serious matter and needs to grow on a true affective base, it is not an experience but it’s a way to love a person.

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If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/viewtopic.php?f=16&t=67