RISKS OF COMIG OUT WITH PARENTS

Dear Project,
I don’t know if you remember me, a few years have passed, but I still remember the strange effect that made me talk to you, because I realized that I didn’t know gay reality at all and that I had an infinite series of fears, practically almost all nonsense, and I didn’t realize what could be the real problems of being with a guy, then I was 25 (good times!), now I’m 31 and I must say that things have changed a lot. I don’t know if you remember, Project, but a few months after our first conversations, I sent you a picture with a dedication on msn, a picture that represented me and the one whom I was hoping, even with a thousand uncertainties, was my boyfriend. Well … we’ve been together for 5 years now, and we live together. Now I’m not a boy anymore but I see my dream come true, Project, I feel loved. Do you remember the night you were talking to me on the chat? When bad thoughts passed through my mind? You told me that my life could have made another guy’s happiness and it seemed impossible to me, but that’s exactly what happened.

I met Luke in a chat, not in an erotic chat, but in a chat where they talked about architecture. There was talk not only of architecture but also about how a young architect can look for and even find work. At that time I was not working yet, neither was he. In his answers I saw the tendency to leave space, to make me talk, he was never impositive or aggressive, but was conversational without falling in the banal. We continued to talk in that chat for several days, then we discovered that we lived in the same city and we decided to meet up to try to plan together the search for a job. When I saw him I was electrocuted, he was a beautiful guy. We spent the whole day together and it was just fine! We only talked about job opportunities and we decided to give ourselves to do as much as possible to look for work together because economic independence was our first desire. I didn’t know anything about him then.

He has come to my house many times, he met my parents and I met his, obviously we were just two friends looking for a job together but the atmosphere was very positive. At his house, in his room there were many photos of a girl and it was like a stab to me: Luke was beautiful but obviously he was straight! My mood collapsed from one minute to the next. He noticed it and immediately told me: “It’s my brother’s girlfriend!” And in saying so he smiled at me. I thought that his smile was his way to come out with me and I also answered him with a smile and a breath of relief. When we said goodbye, beyond the usual handshake there was also a hug that I didn’t expect and it was not a formality. Since then our relationship took a different way.

You know, Project, you always say that the real problem is knowing if the other is gay, but if he is, the problem remains to understand how he thinks, what he thinks, how he sees the situation, and it takes time to understand it. Note, Project, that we never declared ourselves explicitly and that starting a speech beyond work was really difficult. Then one evening, after going to get a pizza, we stopped to talk in the car. He asked me: “Do you think it would work?” I had no doubts about the interpretation of that phrase and I replied: “We have to do everything to make it work …” He told me: “All right! Then I start.” He told me about himself without reserve and told me that he felt happy next to me and that he thought of me a thousand times a day. I took his hand and kissed it. It started like this. I skip the details you can imagine. I was really good, sexual transport was very strong. His way of experiencing sex was practically identical to mine: enthusiasm, but also prudence: doing the test, absolute mutual loyalty and lots of cuddles. I always wanted to be with him, when the time came to part from him I felt really halved. When I saw him smile, in his eyes I saw heaven. He had beautiful, warm hands and when he was holding mine he inspired me so much trust. And then he was not neurotic like me, he was quiet and close to him I began to overcome all my neuroses.

But there was a huge problem: we could go and make love in my parents’ country cottage, especially in winter, because no one ever went there, it was cold, but we knew how to warm up: a double duvet and we didn’t need anything else, it was fine but we often wondered what our parents would say if they understood how things really were. In practice we did everything in secret. For all the rest, we met each other, either, at his house or at mime, but we had to be careful to talk only about work. Another underlying fear was related to the fact that one of us could find work in another city, because such a thing would have been shocking. We were looking for work hoping not to find it. And we even arrived to present ourselves together for job interviews, saying that we were very close and used to working together, even if it is not easy for two architects to be hired to work together.

After about six months of “cohabitation” we got a job offer for a six-month contract in Kazakhstan, which seemed very strange, but the proposal came from an important multinational for which we had already held job interviews, we thought about it a little and then we accepted. Our families were very worried, but the fact of going there together led us to accept. After two days we were on the plane. The work was in Astana, a very special city, without western-style buildings, but with huge neighborhoods made of small houses with small gardens, very well kept, even if the city is almost in the middle of the desert. We have been housed in a villa, with three bedrooms and a bathroom, with a delightful little garden. People were also a pleasant discovery for us, but our dialogue with the locals could only take place in English, and on the other hand any contact with our superiors (Canadians) was only in English. In Astana we were really good and our relationship become deeper. We have worked together and a lot but we got also great satisfaction.

After the six months in Astana, they told us that we would spend another six months in Vancouver to oversee the construction of a port building, of course we accepted. The city is incredibly multiethnic and between the mountains and the ocean it is spectacular, we have happened there in summer, a very mild summer, similar to the springs of southern Europe. We had an apartment with a wonderful view. In Vancouver, however, we experienced that our English was very rudimentary and we tried to improve it with a group of local friends, including a gay couple, but of gays over 60, something that is rare to see in Europe. In Canada, the work didn’t have the relaxed rhythms it had in Astana, and several times we had to work even at night to keep up with the demands of the construction sites. We have worked, we have gained well but the nostalgia of Italy was very strong. By the way, work had distracted us from our basic problem: “what to say to our parents and how to say it”. For our parents we were in effect only two work colleagues.

A month before departure from Vancouver our superiors let us know that they would send us back to Italy to Milan, which is far from our home, but it is still in Italy. The second of September we arrived in Milan, also this time they placed us in the same apartment, which however was not even the shadow of the one in Vancouver and had not the eastern grace of that of Astana. Once settled, we decided it was time to speak clearly with our families. We didn’t know what to expect or even if it was the case to speak first with my parents and then with his, or to create an opportunity to make a single speech that would be good for everyone, but we were determined.

We set a lunch at my house for September 6th. The day arrives, we do the usual compliments, then Luke immediately enters the topic: “Listen to me a little … so we got to know each other better by working together for a year and we understood that we want to spend our life together, because we love each other and it seemed right to let you know.” In our opinion, the most was done, but the reaction to the words of Luke was disconcerting. My father pretended not to have understood, just like that, Project, while he had understood very well, he made a perplexed face, followed by a strange smile. Luke preferred to immediately eliminate any possibility of misunderstanding: “We are gay … and we love each other.” His father and mother did not say anything, they were almost paralyzed and did not know what to say. It was evident that a completely unexpected atomic bomb had fallen on them. My mother tried to lighten the situation but in the wrong way: “Now it can be a difficult moment but then things can get settled …” Luke immediately stopped her: “There’s nothing to settle …”. The most radical silence fell, interrupted only by banalities, like “Now let’s think about eating … we’ll think about other problems later, a solution will be found …” Luke also tried to avoid misunderstandings: “Solution?” My father started the wrong way again: “These are things that can happen, maybe these are moments of fatigue …” Luke looked at me in a very questioning way and said to me: “What do we do?” I answered with one word: “Let’s go!” We got up from the table and left without saying goodbye, and on the other hand our parents didn’t even try to hold us back.

The feeling of bitterness was very unpleasant, we both realized that the relationship with our families was over. Fortunately we were economically independent and we were working permanently in Milan, so the relations with our parents were in fact already very reduced. We immediately returned to Milan, our parents did not even make a phone call for a whole week, then my mother called me to ask: “How are you?” I noticed immediately that that “you” was referred just to me, she had only asked how I was and had not asked anything about Luke like she was used to do before, because by now Luke was like the devil who had taken his son away from her. I answered her. “We’re fine! (underlining the “we”) And how are you?” The embarrassment was evident, after a few minutes of banality the call was over. In the evening Luke’s mother called him and the script was virtually identical. We were not shocked by this thing, after all “maybe” we expected it. Up to this point our story may seem like the story of a double family failure. Two gay guys who would have all the credentials to feel fulfilled, are on the contrary frozen by relationships with their homophobic families that end up radically disappointing their expectations, but in reality things have gone differently. My father sent me the e-mail that I transcribe here below:

“Hello, your mother and I realized that we behaved very badly with you (Leo and Luke) and this makes us deeply uncomfortable. Luke’s parents share this unease with us, we talked about it together several times and we realized that we had everything wrong. We cannot be without our guys, we are living days of bitterness, but I can swear that we understand that we have to change our attitude altogether. We were not in the least prepared to face a similar situation. If you and Luke agree, we could maybe come to Milan for a weekend, so we can stay a little together. And then, what can we do to get a little clearer ideas? Because we tried to search for news on the internet, but orienting ourselves is very difficult. We await your response by mail and we hope so much that it is positive.”

I read the email to Luke and we agreed the answer.

“Hello, I spoke with Luke and if you agree we can meet not the next Sunday, because we have work commitments, but the following Saturday and Sunday. To get a little clearer ideas you can read the Gay Project Forum, it is very easy to find it on Google and you could also talk with Project, with whom I had spoken several times, he is a very good person and knows the gay world from the inside. As for our relationships, well, we are very happy with your email. Now we must try to rebuild everything without hiding anything and without pretending anything. Problems, sometimes, exist only in our imagination. Common sense is needed, it is true, but we are not naive and our choices have been made with good reasoning.

We embrace you strongly.

Leo and Luke”

The recovery of relationships with our parents on the basis of clarity, was not so easy, but on both sides there was a willingness to understand each other and, after about a year, things really became normal. By now our parents consider us as a couple and have overcome all or almost all their resistance and their complexes.

Project, I told you my story and I would like to see it on the forum because I would like to tell all the guys who see their future gray, that for a gay guy life can be beautiful and that finding a serious partner is not at all an impossible thing, even if the difficulties are certainly not lacking. I’m attaching in my skype contact, I would like to talk with you again, maybe to meet you at the beginning of the summer.

We embrace you!

Leo and Luke

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If you want, you can participate in the discussion of this post open on the Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-risks-of-comig-out-with-parents

GAY DISCOMFORT, UNRELIABLE ADULTS AND MYTHS OF VIRILITY AND MASCULINITY

Hello Project,
there is something I like about your forum, there are no jeremiads, laments, and various forms of victimism. After all, gays have so many problems and in some countries they are actually persecuted, but in Europe or the United States, they have to endure just the weight of ignorance, still very high, and the preconceptions that are the biggest obstacle to a true gay integration. Many of the gay problems stem from the fact that they are not a majority, they cannot impose anything but have to be accepted by making others grow and slowly leading them to overcoming preconceptions and homologation.

My bigger problem when I was younger (now I’m 45) was to recognize gay guys in a crowd of guys where they did everything to hide and become invisible. In practice, the internet has made things a lot easier and, let’s just say it, has also put aside many squalid individuals who have built their fortunes on homosexual encounters. Now  are conceivable and possible a lot of things that 25-30 years ago were unthinkable. So there is less reason to complain, but the increased level of confidence among gay guys in various social circles has also diminished risk perception. Many guys trust too easily, if not the first guy they meet, at least the institutional figures that are close to them, first of all their parents, and then the teachers, coaches, priests, and so on, all people who “should” have a propensity to substantial dialogue but who are not really aware of their roles and are not culturally or even humanely capable of fulfilling their duties. I just quote one episode.

A guy in school said he was gay to a teacher, the teacher was gay too. In such a situation, the first rule, the truly indisputable one, should be to respect others’ privacy. It is already absurd that a teacher who has received such a confidence does not respect the confidence of those who have trusted him, but it is far more absurd when also the teacher is gay! Yet these things happen. I saw university professors make ironic comments during the lesson to a gay student, a coach who boasted of being a tombeur de femmes, ironizing on a gay guy trained by him. I also saw a priest tell, according to him to good, to the parents of a boy that his son was homosexual after having learned it in confession. I have seen more than once psychologists unable to respect the privacy of those who were addressing them. An attitude that always seemed to me very stupid in adults, is that to feel above the boys, as if the years really were a guarantee of maturity. Two teachers who speak grinning of a gay student think they joke but do not realize that their behavior, basically infantile, can cause terrible damage. It is as if adults were brave to be adults, as if such a thing was a merit, and in some cases, that is, but when one truly lacks intellectual and moral maturity, being adult makes it particularly serious.

I’ve seen guys suffer a lot from the stupidity of those around them, people really should change their mentality … no laments anyway! After all, it is not necessary to ask who is the responsible for such a widespread stupidity. Many adults, instead of receiving sexual education, have grown up with a lot of preconceptions, forced in a way more or less explicit to align themselves with the dominant thought, and this may partially excuse them.

Tell me, Project, how can we start, at least start to change things a bit. Or maybe we have to resign ourselves to keeping it so?

I look forward to your answer.
Danny
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Hi Danny,
Last night, reading a post of a gay black therapist who told how his father intended to teach him what virility is (with the bangs and the rejection of any form of dialogue), I wondered what enormous effort made this person to get rid of such a conditioning. For gays, the two concepts of virility and masculinity have always been the cause of various problems, because the common way of thinking attributes to gay people a kind of hypothetical natural effeminacy that cannot be suppressed and makes a gay recognizable. As if a gay was not virile or male just as gay, as if being gay meant to belong to a kind of third sex, intermediate between men and women. I can say that I admired the author of the post I read last night, because he managed to get rid of prejudices and internalized homophobia and had the courage to post a story that I think can help many people feel stronger than the prejudices.
Project

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If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-gay-discomfort-unreliable-adults-and-myths-of-virility-and-masculinity

THE REAL LIFE OF A GAY GUY

Hello Project,

about a month ago, while surfing the internet, I found gay project which surprised me because it is something unique. At first I was impressed by the simplicity of the sites and by the absence of erotic advertising, then I started reading and I was amazed by the fact that I was reading a lot of things very similar to those that have happened to me and this, for me , was very important. That’s why I decided to write overcoming so many doubts and resistances. My life does not have anything very important, I’m an engineering student, I come from a normal family after all. My father and my mother more or less get along, my sister got married last year and no longer lives with me. My parents do not know anything about me, and I’ll absolutely avoid to tell them how things really are because for them I think it would just be a trauma, I do not think they would be able to understand, they are good parents, not too invasive, according to the their way of seeing, nor too selfish to care only about their own business. I will not speak with them in order to avoid them to stress uselessly, the idea that children should adapt to be the image and likeness of their parents is too deeply impressed in their own head. I cannot say whether or not they are believers, and to what extent, they go to church on Sunday and I’m going with them as if it were a natural thing because they expect it, my mother goes to confession every so often and receives communion, daddy never, but at least they have the common sense not to put pressure on me about such things. Luckily for me I’m still young and they think that I should hurry to graduate and so the fact that I do not have a girlfriend takes second place, because it would be a distraction from the fundamental purpose. My father and my mother have attitudes toward gay people that make me very angry but I have to tolerate discomfort for a quiet life: they know nothing about such things but they believe they know and understand everything, they are sympathetic to gay people just as priests are, they are inclined to forgive the vice for the weakness of the flesh because “also gays are people” (what a great concession!) but they would never admit that two guys can love each other because “it’s so nice to follow nature” and “between two men or between two women love does not make sense.” I let them talk because they need to be convinced that they are right. By saying so I mean that practically the relationship with my parents doesn’t exist at all but they don’t even realize it, for them it’s much more important to be right. Breaking away from the mentality of my parents and beginning to think with my head it was not so easy. At age 18 I went to confession for the last time, I told the priest that I was gay and I was in love with a guy, the priest didn’t even conceive the idea that it could be a true and deep feeling, and started to repeat certain things that offended me deeply, and I thought that what he said was patently false and immoral so much that I got up and I went away. I do not accept the idea that a feeling that I consider the most important thing in my life can be outraged by those who don’t even understand what they say and think they are speaking in the name of God. I have not had second thoughts, sometimes in church, I hear homilies that I cannot stand absolutely but I act as if I was just thinking of something else, exams, university, etc.. In high school I still had many doubts, not doubts about what I was, but doubts about how I had to behave. I remember a specific fact, the penultimate year of high school the Italian teacher assigned us as a task to compose a short essay on violence. I thought of speaking about violence against women, racism and the usual things and also about homophobia, but then gave up the idea completely, when the teacher gave us back our works classified in the commenting on one of them said to a student: “You have considered many aspects of the problem: religious intolerance, violence in stadiums, homophobia, violence against women …”, at the word homophobia I felt myself freeze and the eyes of all the guys have focused on the student with whom the teacher was talking and there have been mischievous smiles. That guy is definitely not gay but the word homophobia caused a particular reaction among my classmates, for them it is only an allusion to homosexuality, something more or less ridiculous that they only know from jokes and has been interpreted just as a joke. Obviously I had been right not to talk about homophobia. I don’t think that my classmates were homophobic, for them the problem did not even exist, for them gays were a kind of tribe on the edge of reality, for them a gay guy had to have many characteristics that are recognizable, they didn’t even realize that someone could be hurt by the fact that they were laughing at the word homophobia, in the end they were not homophobic, they were just superficial (stupid) and had no need to understand, because it was something that they weren’t absolutely interest in. Instinctively I have always kept away from groups, from too close friendships and from the gossip and this helped me to finish my high school, maintaining the my reputation of fake straight. In high school I supposed that one of my classmate was gay, but my assumptions were totally wrong. In college I found myself immersed in a completely different world. I had gone to the classical high school, with a strong majority of women (more than 2/3 of my classmates were girls), in the Faculty of Engineering there was instead a strong male predominance, and in particular in my courses. For a gay guy who came from the experience of classical high school, being in an engineering classroom was just like being a child entering the pastry: a huge temptation, an environment that created a community almost entirely male. Some guys were very handsome. If ever I had some little doubt about the fact of being gay this doubt vanished soon after I begun to attend engineering classes We went to classes together at the canteen together, to the study rooms in the library together, we spent together intervals between classes, and inevitably there we would agree to spend free time together as well. I should add that the environment was not gossipy and the guys were not talking only about tits and asses, on the contrary, when it occurred, rather rarely, some speech that touched even homosexuality there weren’t giggles, jokes and things like that but serious talk very far from the stereotypes, nevertheless, despite the high number of guys who attended the faculty there was not even one openly gay, a sign that those who were there did not trust to come out of the closet, exactly what I did. After the first few days began to form stable study groups. The basic element of aggregation was the level of knowledge and skills of individuals. Those that were obviously ahead of the others tended to congregate together and so the selection was made, so to speak, on academic merit. After a few days, and after the results of the first tests of profit, the number of students has decreased quite dramatically, in practice about 40% changed their courses of study and two groups were formed, one of the geniuses always in the front pew during lessons, always with maximum scores, but we are talking about a dozen boys in all, highly motivated but in practice these were young people who lived exclusively for the study, and a second group, let’s say mid-level, with more or less twenty students, and then the group of those who took it for granted that they would not have finished their studies without losing at least one year. I was at the boundary between the first and the second group, I was coming from the secondary school of classical address and at the beginning it was very hard for me but then I went ahead well. Prior to joining the faculty I thought it would have been so much easier, then I realized that to stay afloat at a good level I had to struggle a lot. Those in the first group did not send a shot wide, sometimes I tried to enter their group but I didn’t held the pace and, objectively, they were at levels far more advanced than mine. There was another thing, those guys lived for the study, admitted that they had a girl, they probably saw her for up to an hour on a Sunday afternoon and, because I felt like the a child entering the pastry, I did not want to end up like them, I don’t say that I wanted to make a feast of sweets, but at least I wanted to taste one. In practice I was there certainly to study, but certainly not just for that. I decided that I would be among those to intermediate level, because with them the afternoons were not exclusively to study, there was even talking. I have read on the forum something about gay radar, well, in fact, when one is, or better when a gay guy is in an environment like that one where I was, the first thing is to go by eye, that is, look for the guys who are more attractive, but if this were the only guideline it would be easy to miss the target. And there began, about four or five guys, the exhausting game: is he gay or not? And since the first purpose was just studying and no one used to speak about different things, it was extremely difficult to give an answer about the gayness of my colleagues. At this point there has been an unexpected phenomenon. A guy who didn’t belong to the group of geniuses nor to that of handsome guys and not even to that of supposedly gay guys asks me for my notebook of class notes. I would not have given my block of notes to anyone for all the gold in the world because my notebook was my lifeline and I used to handle it with maniacal care, but that guy was asking for my notebook, I show it to him, then he asks me if he can photocopy it and I say yes, he smiles at me and says something complimentary, more or less that I would get them back the next day. At that time I thought I was wrong to give him my notebook, but I was also happy because it was the first real opportunity to hook a guy, I started to wonder how it would have been if that guy had been gay, but he was not one of the handsome guys, yes, he had a beautiful smile, but it was all there, I just lent my notebook to a guy who had a beautiful smile! Project, now you might think that that guy is now my boyfriend, but no, because he gave me an appointment for the next day to give me back my notes and then showed up accompanied by his girlfriend! I was like an idiot, my brain had begun to go on his own, but fortunately the situation became evident almost immediately. Project, in essence, the child entering the pastry, with his mouth watering has been left empty-handed! According to statistics of gay project among my colleagues there should be at least five or six gays, one is me, then let’s say four or five but they are well hidden, I wonder if they too are like children in the pastry or already have decided to devote themselves exclusively to the study. I would not exclude that some of those geniuses who know everything, then underneath are gays terribly frustrated. Then the second year came, we are further decreased in number and hierarchies based on the results of the examinations are now well established, I stay in the second group, I go forward, but I’m not the new Einstein and frankly I don’t even want to be. My dream is to live a love story, I do not know if I would be able, however, it is certain that I’d try. Until now it has not happened. Project, that’s all, it’s trivial, I know, no overwhelming loves, neither depressing disappointments, so many dreams just too big and a lot of very small achievements. Post this e-mail if you want. I think I’ll send you another e-mail tonight with three or four things that I did not understand very well. You are a great, you did a monstrous job that is really useful!

Gay Hunter (but in a good way!)

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If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum:

http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/viewtopic.php?f=11&t=139

I'M HAPPY TO HAVE A GAY SON

On December 13, 2008, at 16.40 I got the email you can read below. Today I post here this email translated into English. Thanks Francis, thanks Matthew! What you wrote, Francis, is for me a deep gratification!
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Hello Project,
My name is Francis, I am 45 years old, I live in a little village in a district of Piedmont, and most importantly I’m the father of Matthew, a gay guy 19 y.o.. I’d love it if you could publish this email in your forum. Until last June, Matthew, who is my only child, had always given me great satisfactions, but above all he was good at school had always been affectionate with me and Mom. In short, he was the son every father would have wanted.

He had a girlfriend who was a very talented girl and we liked her a lot and they seemed to be happy, then, at the end of June Matthew was promoted to the fifth year of high school with honors but he was not happy. We tried to ask him what was wrong but he responded in a vague way and tried not to worry us.

In July, he broke relations with the girl, we asked him why and he said: “These things are ours, but we are friends, she doesn’t have anything to blame herself, it’s just we felt no more to go ahead .. Come on, do not worry .. “. A few days later I met Mary, the now former girlfriend of Matthew (our village is small and we know each other) and I tried to ask her and she told me more or less the same words that Matthew had said, I asked if Matthew had misbehaved and she said: “Matthew is a great guy and I wish him a world of good, but we think it’s better that way.”

I did not insist, but I could not understand the meaning of these speeches. Matthew did not seem particularly upset by the fact that he had broken the relationships with Mary and behaved as usually. Usually in the evening my wife and I come back home together and find Matthew at home to study. We work in the same office and we always come back home at around 18:30, because the bus we usually take respects times in a very precise way. One day it happened that we left one hour earlier and we took the bus one hour earlier. We arrived home. Matthew was not there and his computer was on, I was there and I accidentally took a look at his computer that was open on the homepage of your Gay Project forum.

The word gay has upset me, I cannot deny, I felt a blow to the heart. I said, “Oh, Matthew is gay!” I didn’t touch anything, I said to my wife, who was already beginning to prepare for dinner, that I had to go for a moment by a friend and I’d be back after an hour. A lot of thoughts went through my head. I knew nothing of the gays and I had in mind a lot prejudices, I was upset but I didn’t want at all Matthew understand it. I came back home deliberately after the usual time. Matthew was in his room and did not suspect anything. But the name of the site was stuck in my head and the next day during working hours, I went to look for it without being seen by my wife.

At the beginning I felt lost, I was wondering what I was reading, because what I read did not fit at all with the idea I had in mind about gays. In the following days I continued to read secretly the forum and I found stories that I liked very much and I said, “Well, if Matthew is gay as these guys …”And I did not have the courage to finish the sentence, but basically I wanted to say that I would not have seen anything strange there, but, before, I never would have thought I could make a speech like that.

Then I began to follow the discussions on the forum and what the guys had said and they seemed right like my son, I would have been fine that Matthew frequented guys like that, I confess that I read the part for youngsters to understand slowly a bit deeper what it was. You, Project, sometimes also blame parents that go on sites for parents of gay guys and push them to not be hypocrites, this has hurt me a little, I also read things about the therapy to restore gays to heterosexuality, and I was shocked but then I said: “But I would not do such a thing to my son even if I had been forced! But how can people even think of such things!”

I have to confess that I did not know what to do, I felt guilty, I knew that Matthew did not know that I knew and I was dishonest with him. I love my wife but I have not told her, I had found it out by chance but Matthew might want not to tell it to his mother neither to me, it was only he who could authorize me to tell my wife. One day I took my courage in both hands, with the excuse to go to town in the afternoon we went along in the car, I told him what had happened and that I was sorry to have violated his privacy, he asked me if I had told his mother and I said no. He said: “Damn, but you’re more complicated than me and gave me a pat on my hand.

Then I asked: “But do you have a boyfriend?” He told me he was in love with a straight guy and that it was hard to forget. I asked him if Mary knew and he said, “Of course”. I told him that she had not said anything to me and he told me that Mary is a girl like it should be who had loved him but in the end they realized that they could not go on like this. I told him that I had read the forum and he told me that he had read everything, and that was very useful to understand many things.

Project, Matthew told me he wanted to write to you but did not do so because he felt embarrassed. Then, I told my wife who tried to respond as best as possible but was visibly upset. In the evening she started to read the forum and has been there until late, then she said: “But in that forum there are very good guys..” and she did not want to finish the sentence. In practice, with Matthew it has been formed a climate very very nice.

From a few weeks now, he has a guy, a good guy, this guy knows that we know, is often to dinner with us, then goes out with Matthew. He never wanted to stay the night with us and I can understand that, but me and my wife perhaps could really create problems. Here, Project, this email is for you, you made me understand many things and gave me the serenity and happiness of having a son like Matthew, who greets you, too.
A hug.
[Signed letter]

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UNDERSTAND A GAY SON

Hallo Project,
I am writing after many uncertainties. I am a 55 year old man and my son a few days ago told me that he is gay, or should I say he made me realize that he is gay, because he did not say it so explicitly, but the meaning of the speech was clear. I’m still very puzzled by what my son wanted me to understand, I do not know anything about these things but I’m trying to understand and not to remain on the surface and your Project was like a flash of inspiration for me.

I hope you can understand that I felt really blown away. My son is 21 years old and I have asked myself a thousand questions, I asked myself what I did wrong. I understand that this speech may sound crazy, but I had so many ideas in my head, perhaps mistaken, that sexuality depends on the family education and somehow I thought (and unfortunately I cannot get rid completely of my prejudice) that homosexuality is something wrong but I think you can understand me. I never thought that my son had problems or was in any difficult situation, I always saw him as a normal guy for a while he also had a girlfriend and seemed happy.

He never had any conflicts with me or my wife, or at least nothing visible. So I cannot understand why he is gay and I’m not even sure he really is gay. I have been very uncertain about the idea of sending him to a psychologist, then it happened that he mentioned the subject in a way that left no doubt about the fact that he would not accept help from anyone and then, after hearing my wife, we decided not to make any such proposal.

I do not hide you the fact that after this speech our relationship has changed, is something that makes me sick and I think the same for my son, but it is very difficult to change course, in practice, if first we talked just a little, now we do not talk at all. What can I do for my son? I do not know how to behave, I feel uncomfortable, I cannot pretend that he is not gay.

I read what you wrote in the forum section for parents, and I noticed that in practice the Project is popular only among guys and parents send their posts there in very few cases. Honestly, reading the texts published on the Project, I had the impression to understand my son as I had never understood, I guess I understand what he may have in mind.

I’d like my son frequented an environment such as the Project but I fear that he may enter different roads. Project, let’s face it, there are many other ways of living homosexuality that make me tremble just thinking about. At the limit, if my son came with his boyfriend (if and when he will have one), I think I would accept the situation knowing that he’s fine with his boyfriend, but I’m terrified that he can find a way and a wrong way without telling me anything.

I realized I did not know anything about my son, and it was a discovery difficult to accept. What can I do to keep in touch with him? I feel deeply inadequate. I hope my son does not end up in trouble for no reason. Before I knew his friends, at least by sight and name, now he has other friends of whom I know nothing. I know that a 21 year old guy needs privacy and maybe he also has a thousand problems, but I do not know what to do.

Project, there are several other things that I need to tell you if you will have the goodness to listen to me. I send you my msn contact (omitted) and I hope to hear from you soon because I’m going through a time of great uncertainty. If you consider it is possible, feel free to publish this email, I would like very much to know what guys think about.

Sincerely. M. A

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ABSENT FATHER AND GAY SON

Hello Project,
I read a few pages of your blog, those dedicated to parents of gay guys and opened my eyes to many things, but I wish I had a chance to talk a bit with you because I think it can help me to find the right path. I confine myself here only to mention my situation, then if you want, we can deepen privately.

I am 46 years old and have been married for 21, my wife is 44. We have only one son, I’ll call him Luke, he is now 18 and will make exams to enter university the year that is about to begin. I can state that my family life was never quiet. At first the relationship with my wife was good, Luke was born and everything seemed to go the right way. I’ve never been too expansive, it is true, but I thought I had a serious relationship with my wife, then my in-laws started to interfere between me and my wife, they come from a level socially and economically upper than mine, they put in mind of my wife that the relationship he had with me was not the best and that she deserved much more. etc.. Misunderstandings begun to appear, always amplified by the in-laws (I already had lost my parents). My wife started dating with an old friend of hers who was not married, I couldn’t accept such a behavior but she was not interested in my reactions.

When Luke was 4 years old, my wife asked for a separation. I did not want to because of my son. The apartment where we lived belonged to my in-laws. I told her that I would not have allowed a consensual separation because she wanted to be with his friend and it was just that the reason for the separation. Actually, I think the real reason was that she felt frustrated for having married a man like me, who was clearly not up to it. We were still living together but it was just unbearable.

We ended up in court, she and her parents had a lot of money to prevail against me, I had had not the slightest thought to procure evidence of her relationship with her friend because I hate such things, she denied everything and the lawyers described me to the judge as a shamelessy husband and a psychopath father who had made it all up just to take away his son to his wife.

Result: she obtained the custody of Luke, I had to leave my home and I had to also ensure the maintenance of my son. I went to live in a small apartment far from the center and from where I was working and I had to spend hours and hours on trams, because I did not even have a car. I saw my son occasionally and only for short periods, only a few hours at most for an afternoon, I thought that I was going to loose my son and he was acquiring the mentality of my wife and of my father in law, he would always ask me too much expensive things, I thought that while he was with me he felt in exile out of its golden paradise.

This act of plagiarism has been going on until Luke was about to turn 16 years, then at a certain point I realized that something was changing. When he turned 16 years I gave him an old style leather soccer ball, it was the best I could do. He was happy and told me something that I never would have imagined, he asked me to take him to my house.

Because when we spent the afternoon together, we were not ever in my house, a terrible mess reigned everywhere, as can be the home of a man who never has a free moment to keep the house clean. Luke, with my great embarrassment, saw that his pictures were everywhere, then said, “Dad, here we do need a little cleaning!” It was the first time he called me dad! We did twice our laundry and then we hung out, he wanted us to go to a soccer field in clay that is near my house to try the ball, he had to kick penalty kicks and I had to save; and he kicked strongly. It was the first time I really felt the presence of my son. Playing football he became all dusty and ruined his shoes but he said with a smile: “Well! Better so!”

Then I took him back by his mother but I didn’t get upstairs home with him as I used to do, we hugged each other (for the first time) near the door of the house of my wife. Over time things went better, the fact that I did not have money not only was not a problem but somehow he saw it as a merit.

About a year ago he began to make a speech that I wouldn’t have expected, he told me that after the age of majority he would not stay with his mother because there were always misunderstandings that he thought would never heal, then, speaking in general, he told me that according to his mother he was a bit neurotic and she would make him to go, almost by force, by a psychologist, a friend of hers, but he added, “No one will ever do me a brainwash!”

On the same day that he turned 18 he called me and told me he would come home at 16:00. I have been waiting, I did not know exactly what would happen, but he came with a bag and in practice remained by me. The night he said: “I need to talk seriously” and he told me he was gay, that his mother had discovered it and had done everything to change his mind, starting with the economic blackmail up to the social marginalization.

I asked if he had a boyfriend and he told me that he currently was not in love with anyone, but he had taken a “serious crush” for a mate probably heterosexual. I said to my son that I was so happy that he trusted me up to that point. I was about to cry and I could not say a single word. He was the one who hugged me strongly this time, then took my head in his hands and said, “I guess I’m very lucky!”

The next day we went to Ikea and bought a sofa bed to be put in the hall , so that he could have a little privacy. In my project, the room would be for him and I would remain in the hall, but he was irremovable about the room and I had to stay there.

My wife has started divorce proceedings and this for me is liberating. When we were together by the lawyer, the lawyer himself insinuated that I had taken away my son to his mother playing on the fact that he is gay because I had promised to let him have sex freely in my house with his friends.

I swear on my head that my son told me that is gay only after he turned 18, and that things such as those spoken by the lawyer never crossed my mind, however my wife didn’t refrain at all from telling the lawyer the private affairs of her son, completely deforming them, in order to win the case, what I consider shameful and odious.

However, from now on there will be very little contacts with my wife. As for my son, now I know him better, I know he’s a good guy who has not been corrupted by money. Project, I need to understand what it means to be seriously gay because I have a gay son, and now I want to be a father as it should, because my son loves me and this is for me the best time of my life.

Sincerely [signed letter]

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GAY GUYS AND UNCONSCIOUS CONDITIONING

This post aims to identify the weight of unconscious influences on the lives of gay guys. I refer in particular to Italian environment.

I often talk with gay guys and many times I recognize in their attitudes, as well as in mine, the result of an unconscious environmental conditioning strongly internalized.

I start with a seemingly trivial observation. Education, from an early age, is strictly differentiated by sex and is totally oriented toward heterosexuality.

Couples who appear among the Disney characters are all heterosexual. In the school textbooks references to homosexuality are minimal if not completely omitted, at best are formal but usually the context pushes to consider homosexuality in terms of defect or disease.

Despite repeated calls by the Council of Europe to put aside any form of sex discrimination and ensure equality of homosexual unions to marriage, there are still strong resistances in these areas because these resistances, more or less instrumental, are important elements to search for consensus.

The Supreme Court considered, in many respects dutifully, that calling someone “gay” is injury to a person, this judgment confirms that homosexuality is considered a negative value.

The very invisibility of the vast majority of gay people is another obvious sign of the fact that those people feel at risk or at least marginalized by the social context.

For a straight guy who begins to feel the first growing sexual feelings and the first forms of falling in love, sexuality is a reality to talk about freely in the peer group. For a gay guy the same age his sexuality is not only an absolute taboo, in the sense that it is understood as something about which you must be very wary of talking about with others, but also in the sense that it is something that must be suppressed to try to achieve a heterosexual orientation that is seen as the only legitimate one.

The Catholic Church and also many other religious groups condemn homosexuality as “grave depravity”, “sad consequence of rejecting God”, “lack of normal sexual development”, “pathological constitution”, “intrinsically evil behavior from moral point of view”. These expressions are the sign of a dogmatic assumption on homosexuality and then the sign of a rejection of any serious debate on this subject. I emphasize that a comparison to be serious, must also include the ability to change positions.

I would add that the media, practically all, with rare exceptions, show radically false images of homosexuality that are used to do the show and gratify the majority of the public in confirming their prejudices.

There are also serious films on the subject of homosexuality, but unfortunately they are in fact seen only by homosexual people and by the heterosexual world are considered just oddities and no one takes them seriously.

In such a climate, a guy who grows up and faces his own homosexuality is left to mature in a hurry and build his own morality, since the common morality is not compatible with his homosexuality. Among gays it is easy to find guys who have a strong independence of judgment and who cannot be influenced easily, but the journey that brought these guys to build their own world of values is often twisted and very tiring.

Homosexuality is not a choice but something to accept. The verb in this sentence does not mean accepting suffering as a condemnation, nor simply endure, accept means considering homosexuality as an essential part of one’s person, which is essential in the sense that you cannot put it aside, which means that “I” if I was not “gay” I would not be me.

It happens often enough to meet guys who feel wrong, who live their homosexuality as a part of themselves to repress, to delete, guys who to preserve the affection of their parents say they are willing even to deny their sexuality, guys that being aware of the condemnation of homosexuality by their religion say they are willing to deny themselves in the name of the accession to conceptions which consider them as deniers of God just because they are gay, and therefore also without normal sexual development, pathological cases, people that can be realized in faith only radically denying their sexuality

In some cases, these guys end up opening their eyes, but frequently deep conditioning remain. It is almost unbelievable how the idea of doing something intrinsically evil and not sharable can poison sexuality with feelings of guilt and can destabilize the life of a guy.

What, in the end, leads many guys to Gay Project? The answer is simple: it is the fact that they can deal with other guys in a non-ruling, in a non-ideological climate, in a comparison not of ideas but of experiences.

It is difficult to escape from the unconscious constraints following reasoning to which we are accustomed to respond with other arguments in an infinite series.

There are not theoretical arguments that allow us to overcome the constraints and prejudices, I learned from experience, that you need to see how others live, what choices they do in practice.

To understand that a gay guy is not a green Martian but a guy like everyone else there’s only one way and it is to get in touch with gay guys, first in chat and then, why not, even in person. But to know a gay guy with which to compare seriously you cannot go looking for him in a sex chat or a dating site.

What people in general associate with the word gay has nothing to do with the reality of the vast majority of gay guys.

For a gay guy two things are essential:
1) find a way to put aside his prejudices and conditioning.
2) maintain a dimension of strong realism, which hold firmly down to earth, in other words: caution!

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I DREAM OF A NORMAL GAY LIFE

Hello Project,

it was very important to me to talk to you last night. I had reached the limit of endurance, I was tired of asking myself so many questions. I’m gay, now I know very well, I got there at 21 y. o. but in the end I knew it all along. Despite all this, I feel destabilized. Before I had points of reference, I tried to conform perfectly to what others expected from me and I tried to feel completely perfect just putting aside my personality, or rather the most intimate part of me. Now I know what I want but a thousand fears held me back. Project, I need someone to make me understand what it means to be gay, but also outside of the imagination, I need to figure out what a gay guy has to do to find friends, to feel at ease, not to do anything stupid. I feel very inexperienced, I don’t know at all what it really means to be gay and then I have never been in love and I miss a boyfriend very much. I do not know gay guys. I miss badly a chance to talk with gay guys, to understand who they are and what they think, to understand how they live their life, all their life, from relationships with parents up to sex. Instead I was always alone, always oppressed by the violent speeches of my father and the stupidity of my mother who is afraid of him and always agrees with him. My father thinks I’m less of him because I’m not aggressive, but I don’t want to be like him, it’s not a typical teenage rebellion, absolutely I cannot stand him, he seems incapable of reasoning. I have often been reproached that I live at their expense, my father has always repeated ad nauseam that he worked at my age, but I want to finish my studies, because there is no real alternative. The fact that I’m gay I keep it just for me, because my father about such a thing (as well as about all the others) is completely incapable of reasoning. My problem is not being gay but have two parents who consider me a burden and point it out whenever they can, as if without me their life could be a happy life! I think between the two of them there is not even respect, not to mention loving. Mom is aware of being under the thumb of a violent man but does not rebel. Dad is convinced that he has married an idiot. I never understood why they got married, They certainly didn’t for love. Since I was a child I always remember the same scenes, dad cries and mom is silent and bears all. Coming out in the family, for me, is beyond the thinkable. I see guys who find support and respect from their parents and envy them deeply. I came to the conclusion that the problem is not being gay but living among puppets that do not have feelings or brain. I feel sorry for my father, I cannot hate him, he is not even a bad person, but he is incapable of thinking. I would like to go away, I would like to be alone, away from everything and everyone, and I would like to start from scratch in a normal place, with a normal family or no family at all, and perhaps it would be even better. Do you think it’s normal that I have to vent to you? Yet you answered me in a serious way, although in practice you don’t know me at all. With my parents is better leave it lose before you begin. Be born into such a family (?) is a disgrace, but it must also happen to someone and it happened to me. I’m as much as possible out of the house, almost always at the university, I go out in the morning and come back late at night. I want to go away, Project, don’t want end up suffocated in this foul air. I want to at least try to be myself. I wish I had gay friends, I would go every now and then to make a pizza with them. I’m not even thinking about a boyfriend, now I just want a little normal life.

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MISUNDERSTANDINGS AMONG GAY GUYS AND CHRISTIAN PARENTS

Hello Project,

I read so many of those things you’ve posted that sending you an e-mail seems natural to me as writing an email to a friend, and maybe even more.

I am a 22 y. o. guy, who grew up in a very religious environment but religious in a very special way, I want to say that my parent apparently have never been prudish, they are believers, as they say themselves, but at the same time have a very specific vision of religion. I always went to church but mostly I attended the environments of the Catholic more active laity and I think even the most advanced. Since I was 14 I went with my parents to lend a hand to organize soup kitchens and services for people in need, both my parents are still volunteering and they do seriously, in the sense that they spend at least two afternoons a week and often more. I, in the past, always thought  that my parents were people as they should be, with them I always had a great relationship, however, in spite of everything, since I did come out with them, about six months ago, things are a little changed. They accepted the fact that I was gay, in the sense that have never created obstacles and I have not been asked too many questions, however, even if they have not done anything to prove it, nevertheless, I realized that something had changed for them. First, every now and then, it happened that there was talk also about sex, but now no longer the case. On TV they follow more or less always the same channels, except when there are programs that touch issues related to sexuality, when it comes to sex they change channel but they do unobtrusively, as if by chance, but it happens systematically. Once, I used to see sometimes mom and dad around the house not completely dressed, mom in his underwear and dad in his slip, but now no longer the case. I believe that they feel embarrassed and do not know what to do. Once they insisted to take me with them when they were volunteering, now they do not even ask me to go with them and then I’m not going to volunteer more. And then there is the Mass, in fact I have been jumping the mass for quite a long time, but they, once, tried to insist, now no longer do so. Once, every now and then, they invited house some of the priests of the parish or voluntary but now no longer do so. For everything else, they have been, even recently, parents formally perfect, they left me free to do what I wanted, they never interfered but the few times I tried to resume the subject of homosexuality, I noticed that they tended to escape and change the subject. Last Sunday I accompanied them to Mass on my own, the priest, incidentally, has just spoken about homosexuality and said some things that were so absurd that I have been there just to see how far it would come. The priest could have been more or less 40, and left me with a look absolutely thrilled because of the things he said in a mild subtle violence hidden by a kind of false pity for gays. Apart from the fact that he said things objectively false, his way of taking everything for granted amazed me. We were at church and I had to pretend nothing happened, my parents went to confession because they do it every Sunday, then they took communion and we left the church to come back home. I would have expected at least a comment on what the priest had said, but there was no comment, they pretended absolutely nothing had happened, as if they had not heard the priest at all. After a few minutes of chatting of misdirection I decided to ask if they had heard what the priest had said, and my father told me in a way I had not expected: “The church must defend the great values! You cannot think that puts equate marriage and the things you think about”, then entered the discourse as well mom with a speech even more absurd: “We do not want to hinder you because it would be counterproductive but it’s you that should realize that your path is not the right ore.” I did not want to continue the conversation, I made a gesture of greeting, and quickly went home, I took my things, at least the basic ones, and I went away. I have been three days by a friend of mine who hosted me. My parents didn’t even call me on the phone, because they knew that sooner or later I had to get back home perforce because I don’t work, I have no money and cannot live at home with friends. You can imagine how I was in a mood when I returned home. Now I do not know what to do, the assumptions are two:

1) Dealing with my parents giving them a surly look, at the cost of coming to blows, because I think we would arrive there, at least on my part

2) Pretend that nothing happened and go back to the nice guy that plays a part because he can be economically independent

I thought about looking for a job, but to quit school seems something crazy and risky that after I would pay badly. Now I have to get to a solution quickly. Personally, I am inclined to the first hypothesis, though I think it could be destructive. But how is it possible for two adults persons, educated, socially engaged, to be quite unable to think with their brains? I now do not go to church for a long time and I do not miss. I am a Christian? Yes! I think that the message of Christ was deeply upset. Frankly, I have no faith in the sense that the church says, that is, I see things that religion teaches me like mythical interpretations and I think that the essence of Christianity is love your neighbor, in this sense I feel certainly Christian. If once I had any doubts about whether to try to remain in the church, now I don’t have those doubts anymore, I don’t want to end up like my parents, who more than anger I feel sorry for.

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