Hello Project
I opened by chance "gay
project" and I started to read, it’s really amazing for me to find myself at
ease here, nothing is too much or too little, there are just the lives of gay
guis as they are. I never thought to write to someone to talk about myself so
intimately but since there is the anonymity I opened a new email and I am
determined. I thought of writing to ask for an opinion, or just to speak about
my mind, on an issue that now is buzzing in my head a lot and that is the
relationship between sex and affection, that is meaning of the sex when you fall
in love with a boy .
I start from the beginning. I
am 21 years old, studying at university, I never had a real social life, friends
or anything like that, at school I played the play of others, I pretended to be
straight, as I think it's almost mandatory to do so, I had my little falling in
love with a mate, a straight guy, I've suffered at the beginning, then I
accepted everything. At University you can find a lot of hot guys you like but
it's like at school, all straight. We study and in practice we have nothing
better to do, even during the breaks, when teachers change, I never go out of
the classroom and spend my time re-ordering notes. At home, then fully
comedy, I’m only child, shamelessly pampered by my mom and two aunts living at
my home, not by my father who at least doesn’t asphyxiates me. At home I
haven’t any gay book or gay film. I never speak about girls, this is obvious,
but neither about guys, I can speak about my friends only for study and exams.
Apparently no one is asking too many questions. I never heard at home the
classic question: "Do you have a girlfriend?". In such an environment, guarded
in practice on sight and without any kind of occasions, for me, sexuality has
always been a problem. I cannot talk to anyone at any level and I have to be
careful not to even be in front of my TV when they send some news about gays.
They are not homophobic, just believe that gay people live on other planets and
that "we, normal people, have nothing to do with those" exact words of my aunt.
I discovered masturbation quite late, at 15, because since that time these
topics have been regularly set aside as if total ignorance could prevent who
knows what. I was so far away from sexual things that when I masturbated for the
first time and I got a lot of ejaculation I was worried because I had not really
understood what it was and thought there was something wrong and that the white
stuff was perhaps due to the fact that I gave off too much and that I had broken
something inside, maybe in the kidneys. And then I could not talk to anyone, I
was really afraid of being hurt, that I measured the fever many times because I
thought something would happen to me but nothing happened. At the time I could
not even look at the internet because I did not have a computer of mine and
search sex on my father’s computer would sound very strange to me. Then my
parents are Catholic and, at least to a certain point, even I’m, and then we
went to church on Sunday, mom and aunts were always doing the communion and I
was doing as well. In practice at 15 I went to confess every Sunday that I
masturbated, I promised myself to stop but then absolutely, I inevitably had to
fall back, in practice it was the same story every week. I never told the priest
that I was gay because that is not sin, at least I understood it. In essence, a
depressing thing, a struggle with myself that was repeated every week. Then when
I was 16 my parents gave me my first computer of my own and there I was the
mother of invention, I have studied with great care as you put the password so
no one could access my computer, I think my father would not have ever done such
things for reasons of principle (and I respect him because he respects me) but
my mother would put her hands there, and I'm sure she thinks it is the duty of a
good mother to meddle in the affairs of the son, but finally, put the password,
I could feel comfortable. I could lock myself in my room, but this would not
have been tolerated, but I had my computer where no one could be in the way of
my business. I rearranged the furniture in my room and put my desk looking
toward the door, so no one could enter without me noticing him and I placed the
location of my computer so I could have time to change the page if someone had
walked into. Internet for me meant especially pornography. At first it was just
an obsession, I could not wait, in the evening, to put myself in front of the
computer even if I had to wait until all were gone to bed. At first it was
really a frenetic hunt for free porn sites, but I was and I'm still very
selective, porn, yes, but there must be something sweet, affectionate, otherwise
I change. I took a huge collection of photos, not video, looking for my ideal
physical model of boy and then I worked on trying to build my fantasy movie with
a story of a boy, a kind of tender love story and also sex, all mixed together.
All my sexuality was reduced to masturbation and these fantasies, but I liked a
lot. I was not frustrated or thinking that I was really missing something, or at
least I did not think so until recently.
And here begins the second part
of the story. I'm pretty tall and very thin, and after a disturbing flue, the
family doctor insisted that I could practice sports. At first I just didn't want
to because I had never done such things, even as a child, then my parents
insisted and I started to think that in fact it could also have a purpose in a
sexual way, so I accepted, three times a week in a swimming pool close to my
home (I go there on foot in 20 minutes). I go there in the afternoon at 18.00 in
order to have a little free time to devote to other things. The first time I
went there to register and pay the fee I was upset: a nice place, very clean and
very well equipped, I was put at the beginners course and I did know the coach,
a guy about 25/30 maximum, beautiful, with a beautiful smile and an athletic
handshake. However it was a very short conversation. In the afternoon I bought
swimsuit, bathrobe, towel and bag, I tried the swimsuit the less compromising
and useful to defend more in case of erection and then I got just an erection
paranoia: what if it happens to me? And I started going back and forth: I'll go
or not go? And then I wondered if the showers had partitions and many other such
things, however I decided to go swimming wearing my swimsuit under my trousers
to overcome at least the first embarrassed, then, if necessary, I could get away
10 minutes before the others and go in the locker room when no one was there. I
was very uncertain, however, my parents had paid money in order to let me
practice sports and then I was expected to do so, in short, at 17.45 o'clock,
the day after, I made my entrance into the pool, the coach was there, we shook
hands with other boys. Guys more or less about my age where many, in all about a
dozen on the 15 scheduled. The coach told us to sit on the benches poolside
waiting "those" of the previous course to get out of the locker room, a course
for girls, so you cannot get in the dressing room until they have finished, the
coach told us in a mischievous smile very spontaneous, I could say typically
straight, which led me to exclude him from the number of interesting guys.
Meanwhile, I eyed three boys pretty good and in particular one of the three who
had reacted in an embarrassed way to the coach’s speech. Then after minutes we
entered the locker room I took a seat on the bench right next to that guy, I do
not know if he realized he was embarrassed but he really was. I had already my
swimsuit on and I was pretty quiet, but he put on the swimsuit there, but in a
special way. He had a very long shirt (I think he had it chosen for that very
reason), first he pulled out the edges of the shirt that practically covered the
entire "x area" then he lowered his trousers pulling them from the bottom,
without raising flaps of the shirt, then he pulled down pants with a very
similar maneuver, and put on the swimsuit and to bring it up took it form over
his shirt, in practice it all lasted no more than 10 seconds and, of course, I
saw nothing, then he took off his shirt and I've saw him with only the swimsuit
on. He was beautiful! A hundred times better than me! In the meantime I had
taken off my trousers and shirt and I was in my swimsuit too. I searched his x
zone and in practice I didn’t see anything, obviously he was so embarrassed that
the situation gave him no sexual reaction, for me it was not exactly like that,
but my swimsuit was pretty adequate and contained me fine, however I tried to
distract me to lower that principle of erection. During the lesson there were
other people, there was the coach and then I got distracted. However, the guy
threw furtive glances to me every now and then, and sometimes I even caught him
looking at me. In practice, I wondered what he would do at the end of the
lesson, if I could see him naked and what should I do with showers. Then the
time came. We went into the locker room and he repeated the same maneuver he had
done when he put on the swimsuit, exactly on the contrary, in practice it dried
his chest, put the "drop down" shirt and then took off the swimsuit, dried
himself and put on his briefs, and always under the flap of the shirt, this time
everything was very fast and I did not see anything. I put on the robe, dried
and got dressed under my bathrobe, but I can say right in the most beautiful
moment my bathrobe opened and I saw him throwing the eye over there, suddenly he
turned away and apologized. A very unusual thing in a locker room of a swimming
pool. I finished in a few seconds to get dressed, red-faced with embarrassment,
but I did not want to lose contact with him, even if, instead of seeing him, he
had been who had seen me. While he was putting things in the bag I thought to
ask him why he apologized but probably it would create embarrassment so I just
asked if it was the first time he was in the pool (stupid question), and from
there we started talking a little, he was relieved that I had not given weight
to the episode of the bathrobe. We went to the bar, had a drink then I asked if
he had a car, he said no and I offered to accompany him home because, unusually
for my habit of walking, I came by car. I took him home, rather distant, about
20 minutes by car, we spoke only of sport and training, when he left, he greeted
me with a nice handshake, very determined. I'll call him Mark, but actually he
has an unusual name that inspires me very gently. My parents at home noticed
that I got good experience in the pool and they were happy. I know Mark has
completely changed my life, not that apparent, of course, but the sexual life.
In practice it is almost completely eclipsed the era of pornography and started
the era of Mark. I'm in an immense tenderness and this is the point, it is a
sexual tenderness, practically all of my sexuality is dedicated only to him and
all my mental films have a single protagonist. I love him because it's a good
guy, if possible even more clumsy than me, but I also want him sexually, and I'm
not ashamed to say so. We were in the early days of embarrassing situations in
which I felt guilty because I had not spoken to him so clear, for example,
sometimes in the evening I called him on the phone, I told him that I could not
say too much because my parents where at home and I did not have the privacy I
wanted, but he called me a lot, usually half an hour and more and it was the
same for me, and those calls have a strong erotic value even now, when I know
he’s going to call me I go to bed and talk on the phone while masturbating under
the covers. Of all this I feel a bit guilty, because he doesn’t know, but I
would have liked him to do the same. Over time, the pool, things are a little
changed, and we became real friends, I used to take him at home and get him back
home three times a week and we talked about a lot of thing but never about
things related to sex. In the locker room the embarrassment of the first time
had slowly passed, he used no more his "drop down" shirt and changed by my side
remaining naked for a second, just like I started to do, and he used to give me
a look at that time, just as I did with him, it seams too little thing, but I
looked at him and he pretended it was nothing. At the end between us it was a
kind of sexual contact accepted. I had noticed that, as Americans would say, he
is well endowed in that department and I cannot deny that when I think about
that my blood is boiling. Then an event occurred that changed things completely.
One evening, after I drove him home, we were talking a long time in the car and
in practice we have declared each other. Before he made a long preamble that
could mean only one thing, then I asked if I could hold his hand and he said
yes, it was a close intense moment that never ended, I told him: "Do I embarrass
you if I say that I’m sexually aroused?" He said: "It happens to me too." It had
been more than five months since our first meeting. Embracing Mark, I can
finally kiss him, touch him even intimately knowing that he's fine with that and
see that there really is an experience sexuality in unison, with practically
identical reactions, I see a guy who "wants" to stay with me, I think we are a
couple and this probably will not collapse, such tings make me feel great.
Now we've been together many months and my life changed. My sexuality belongs to
Mark. Unfortunately we cannot live our feelings in the light of the sun, but
there is nothing I would change on the world for the joy of being near him,
because he's a sweet guy, a bit as I think I’m, but he is also much sensual.
When we are intimate it seems to me to dream. Unfortunately we attend different
studies and probably would have very different tasks, we live our history in
secret, and can meet once a week and spend together Saturday afternoon and
Sunday in a small house outside of town in the Apennines, the last few months it
was bitterly cold and stay embraced under the covers was just something very
tender. It's great to live together sex and tenderness. Sometimes I'm afraid
it's only a dream and that it could end at any moment, when he’s out traveling
by car I make him send me a text message every time he arrives at destination,
and I do the same with him. We must save our happiness. That's why I wanted to
tell the boys of gay project that sex and tenderness are one thing, and
happiness is possible! So brave! An affectionate greeting to you, Project, who
put on this project. Of course you can publish my mail. A hug to all my dear.
Michael
