A GAY COACH FALLS IN LOVE IN THE GYM

Dear Project,

I am a 24 y. o. guy, I’m told to be a nice guy, at least the girls are convinced. I’ve always been a sportsman 360° from football to athletics, swimming, volleyball. I should finish my studies quickly and start my professional activity that with sport has nothing to do and, to be honest, I do not like, but now I’m too far to change course. In short, a little unexpectedly, just to have some money in my pocket I started working as a trainer in a gym 24 hours a week. This is a serious job and sometimes even stressing, they put me in good standing with a good contract and regularly pay the contributions to the Social Security. I think that work is very important for people like me who maybe could wait years before really starting earning. The gym is large and also has a pool, in practice it is a sports center in all respect. The coaches are several, both men and women and then there are inspectors sent by the administration who come to see how you work and based on what you do you are moved from one course to another according to your professional skills. I started with the elderly, over 50, I originally had to deal with only those, not exactly the best for a coach, that’s why inspectors give over 50 groups the last hired, now I work 12 hours with over 50 and 12 hours with a group 18 to 24 y. o., practically my age, I spend a half of the 12 hours doing general gymnastics, girls and guys together, the other half is spent working on the strength training machines divided into men and women. I also have the task of accompanying guys to external athletic fields when they go for races or for selections, and for such things they pay me apart, but it is usually a single morning per week or every 15 days. All this would be commonplace, you work and you work very seriously and are checked and you earn well, doing something you like and for which you are led to the point that I was thinking of slowing down the university’s commitment, I do not like at all, to devote myself entirely to the coach activity, because for a gay guy the sports center environment is really rewording, I’m just fine with the guys, there is a very warm and pleasant climate, and then non-competitive sporting environments or the competitive ones but at medium-low level, like this one, are quiet and I would say also clean from all points of view. The nakedness in the locker room doesn’t create any embarrassment neither that of others nor mine, I’m so used to these things that I don’t care at all. The changing rooms are divided by gender but I’m only there for a short time because I have very well determined training times for  each group, I happen to be there more frequently in the mornings when guys go to the stadium but there isn’t any embarrassment at all. What I would like to talk about is something different and refers to a guy 22 y. o. who comes to train with me in the gym and caused me a little embarrassment. I was his coach from January to March, then the administration changed my working shifts and I went to another group with different times. He knew and changed group and times in order to have anyhow me as a coach. When I saw him I was pleased and he told me that he had changed because for him times of my group were the most comfortable, and I didn’t ask any explanation. I am convinced that Daniel, let’s call Daniel, has changed his group to be with me. I don’t mind at all, in fact, by the way he’s also a nice guy, but I do not know what to do, I do not know how to behave. He’s a little clumsy, not with training machines, nay he’s well trained, but speaks very little, is very shy, when he is with others, sometimes he smiles but smiles just for politeness. In the gym usually guys form pairs of friends, but he tends to stand aside, even with me speaks very little but when I congratulate him he smiles at me in a way that touches me strongly, This is a behavior that definitely has a meaning, he wants to communicate something but I do not know how to break the ice. For the rest everything is perfectly normal, he takes shower with other guys, because once I looked at him “as if” casually, he talks with others about generic issues and maybe some talk goes deeper than on technical issues referring to the training. Project, what can I do? With Daniel I feel embarrassed, I would like to talk with him but I am always at the wrong place at the wrong time, on the contrary I’m very breezy with others but never with him! This puts me in a crisis and I think he is aware of these things. Only once, at the stadium, I was able to exchange a few words with him, our talking was very slow and difficult, but very significant, the contents were vague, elusive, but you could see the desire to continue talking. The whole thing lasted no more than 15 minutes, a very long time for Daniel. Who is Daniel? I do not know, I do not know anything about him. It seems like a great guy and I would like to know more about him. I tell you, Project, I do not care whether he’s gay or straight but I would like to have a role in his life, even a minor role, but a real role. I do not know if I’m in love with Daniel, for other guys I took heavy crushes, Daniel is a different thing, how do I explain it? I wish he were well, this is the center of the whole thing. If he changed group and times to be with me, as I think, there must be a reason. Lately here something else happened that made fell happy. One day they closed down the gym for technical checks and had to tell guys that the training was moved and coaches had to call guys. When I called Daniel it was not like when I called the others, the call lasted a few seconds more and was not at all formal, the other usually say “oh, ok, thank you,” and that’s it, he said “… I’m pleased to hear you … I understand, ok, bye!” the voice wanted to communicate something and I told him: “I’m pleased too! See you tomorrow Danny! ” You can tell me that are just platitudes and that I’m building a castle on these things, but the feeling I have is that are not trivial things. How do you break the ice in such a situation? I feel embarrassed and at the same time I think that with this guy I could create a serious relationship, to what degree I do not know, but something as it should be, this causes me a feeling of immense tenderness, it’s not a sexual interest in the sense that it’s given usually to this expression, I would hug him, I’d like to let him know that I’m here, that I think about him, but I would not be intrusive, I would respect all his privacy. I’m not used to this kind of relationships. With the guys I knew before, even those straight, for which I had lost my mind, in the end it wasn’t difficult to get to an explicit talking, with Daniel everything is in a situation almost of stalemate, there are small movements or at least this is my impression: a smile a bit more casual, some exchange of glances (what a thrill when it happens!) and then his physical presence that began to be desired, I can’t wait for the days when I work out with him. Usually others sometimes take time off, he never does. When we do general gymnastics with mixed group, he always takes place on the far left and in the moments before and after the training does not talk to anyone neither with girls nor with guys. Some girl tried to exchange a few words with him, but were just a few words. Now, when he is present, I feel less relaxed with other guys, as if I thought that maybe I would bother him and therefore I keep a more formal behavior with other guys. This means to fall in love? I do not know, of course it’s all very different from other situations I experienced, it’s all very slow but nonetheless I feel a strange sense of security, I don’t know what to do but I have the idea or rather the clear feeling that it is one important thing, a contact of another kind, perhaps, but anyhow something real, I know he is there, I have no doubt, I do not know what to he could expect from me, but I know that for him I’m somehow important and perhaps more than just a little. I did not do anything to discourage him in any situation, on the contrary I let him know that I would like to create a stronger relationship. On the one hand he tends to escape, but for the other I have the distinct impression that he is very tempted to take a step forward. But, Project, there are gay guys like Daniel? I didn’t ever find one like this. Is it really possible that he is afraid? And fear of what, then? I try to show him first of all my absolute respect and my sympathy and maybe I’d take a step forward in terms of exchanging a few words or have a drink after workout, because in the end it could also be done, I do not see what he should be afraid for. And if, as I think he was the one to take the first step, that is changing the group, why did he stop at the first step? Whatever he wants from me it would still make sense to try to get it. But I behave with him exactly the same way. I would hate to lose a great possibility only because of mutual, apparently relevant but totally unjustified fears. Now I got his mobile number, because when I called to move training shifts I saved his mobile number, I’d like to call or send a text message, but I do not, I’m afraid of being intrusive. Project, I have never behaved like that before, I’ve never been so hesitant. I think if nothing has changed until Christmas, I’ll send a text message for wishes to all the guys of the group, but I’d send him a different message, a little more personal, at least I think I can do that. This guy is very important to me, Project, sometimes I dream that we have really broken the ice and how nice it would be staying close to each other, being able to cuddle a bit and see that he is happy. I wonder if I’m raving or maybe in a year things will even go as I would like. What is certain is that I find myself thinking often to Daniel but with affection, tenderness, it’s a very sweet thought, I remember his smile, the hesitation in his voice on the phone. With the other guys I never experienced such things, it was all much easier and much faster, and above all, I never felt the same sense of tenderness I feel for him and I start to think that in the end what I’m experiencing now is really love, something sweet that I had never felt before. Project, I’ writing this post because reading your blog I had the feeling that you could understand the real meaning of what I’m experiencing now, and then I want you to publish it, I think it would be nice if Daniel, reading your blog,  could find our story! I dream to be so!

A big hug.

_______

If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum:  http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/viewtopic.php?f=11&t=40

GAY FANTASIES AND REPRESSION IN THE POOL

Hello Project,

reading posts on your blog I was very impressed by some that relate to the reactions of gay guys to the particular atmosphere of the gyms and swimming pools. I’m 23, I think I’m a guy at least average. Now my real problem is that for six months now my life is focused on the pool I attend three times a week. I say totally focused because even though I just started my last year for the master’s degree and my studies are going well, in practice, I live only according to the pool. I am a mid-level swimmer, not exactly a duffer and could maybe do a little competitive activity if I worked out seriously, but for me the pool has a different meaning. I am ashamed to write these things. I see that  guys write very freely about topics on which I would feel embarrassed to even write two lines. I think sometimes that  I have a lot of hang-ups. However I’ll try to say what happens to me, that is I feel a little Peeping Tom. I do not even try to build a relationship with a guy because I’m too afraid, but the day I have to go to the pool I feel very pumped, I do not know if you understand. In practice, the locker room is a bit like a torture, I would stay there for life if I could but I know that anyway I cannot exceed and I have to be very careful to my reactions. On the one hand I’m tempted and for the other I know that I have to repress. Now I have fixed shifts for a long time and I know all the guys of my shift, I’ll bet my head that no one suspects anything, with me they are very natural and breezy but I am very careful not to attract attention. There are three guys, a bit younger than me (20/21), they are always together joking with each other also at sexual level, but I have no doubt that they are all straight, I saw them with their girls and then their jokes in the locker room probably have a sexual meaning only for me. Sometimes I think I’d be straight to be there with the three guys and I could feel like them but it’s not so. They have become a bit my obsession. For a long time I thought they might be gay, or at least that would be one of them, but then slowly I lost hope. But still for me they are a beautiful image, a bit the image of the guys for excellence, beautiful, serene, happy to be alive. but I still look at them and not just for aesthetic reasons, practically I know every anatomical detail of each of the three and I have these things well etched my the mind. I dream of them often, and even dreams are not just naive and you can imagine the rest and I feel like a thief because in fact I’m stealing them something they would never give me if they knew how things really are. Am I crazy, Project? I think that I’ll never be with a guy, let’s say I’m almost sure, for me, sexuality is only this. It’s as if I do not want to grow up and tried to keep clinging to my life preserver which is the locker room in my pool. But then, even there, the sense of frustration is total, there are showers without separation but I never enter the showers area, this is another thing that makes me enormously uncomfortable, you can understand why I do not go there, but every time I leave my house to go to the pool I say a thousand times that it is the right time and that this time I have to go to the showers area without running away, but then the embarrassment takes over and I stay in the locker room and even there I’m always afraid to stay there a few minutes longer than necessary and give someone subject to get to the fact that I’m gay. In practice fantasies and repression for me are mixed together. I sincerely thought not to go in the pool to avoid this torment, but if I did so, later, I would not have anything really important to me, or perhaps only pornography! Well, it looks shabby and at least in the pool guys are real guys. I do not have gay friends, I do not think I’ll have ever, because they may be gay guys who feel realized, they may have a boyfriend or at least try to have one but I do not even try, I feel no desire to react, I fell almost abandoned to the current and I think over time nothing will change. Should I go to a psychologist? With my parents, in practice, I have no dialogue, I could never tell them that I am gay and I am also an only child. Why am I writing to you, Project? I don’t even know, it’s as if we knew already, I’ve read many of your posts and they seem serious. In short, I do not even know what I’m looking for, maybe I’m just looking for someone to tell me what he thinks of me. If you want, you can publish this mail, It’s quite generic, I wonder what the guys of the forum will think, however they are already way ahead of me, I’m still at zero. This is my first attempt to be myself and it costs me a lot.

Hello Project. I await your response.

_______

If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum:  http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/viewtopic.php?f=16&t=36

GAY GUYS IN THE POOL BETWEEN TENDERNESS AND SEXUALITY

Hello Project

I opened by chance "gay project" and I started to read, it’s really amazing for me to find myself at ease here, nothing is too much or too little, there are just the lives of gay guis as they are. I never thought to write to someone to talk about myself so intimately but since there is the anonymity I opened a new email and I am determined. I thought of writing to ask for an opinion, or just to speak about my mind, on an issue that now is buzzing in my head a lot and that is the relationship between sex and affection, that is meaning of the sex when you fall in love with a boy .

I start from the beginning. I am 21 years old, studying at university, I never had a real social life, friends or anything like that, at school I played the play of others, I pretended to be straight, as I think it's almost mandatory to do so, I had my little falling in love with a mate, a straight guy, I've suffered at the beginning, then I accepted everything. At University you can find a lot of hot guys you like but it's like at school, all straight. We study and in practice we have nothing better to do, even during the breaks, when teachers change, I never go out of the classroom and spend my time re-ordering notes. At home, then  fully comedy, I’m only child, shamelessly pampered by my mom and two aunts living  at my home, not by my father who at least doesn’t  asphyxiates me. At home I haven’t  any gay book or gay film. I never speak about girls, this is obvious, but neither about guys, I can speak about my friends only for study and exams. Apparently no one is asking too many questions. I never heard at home the classic question: "Do you have a girlfriend?". In such an environment, guarded in practice on sight and without any kind of occasions, for me, sexuality has always been a problem. I cannot talk to anyone at any level and I have to be careful not to even be in front of my TV when they send some news about gays. They are not homophobic, just believe that gay people live on other planets and that "we, normal people, have nothing to do with those" exact words of my aunt. I discovered masturbation quite late, at 15, because since that time these topics have been regularly set aside as if total ignorance could prevent who knows what. I was so far away from sexual things that when I masturbated for the first time and I got a lot of ejaculation I was worried because I had not really understood what it was and thought there was something wrong and that the white stuff was perhaps due to the fact that I gave off too much and that I had broken something inside, maybe in the kidneys. And then I could not talk to anyone, I was really afraid of being hurt, that I measured the fever many times because I thought something would happen to me but nothing happened. At the time I could not even look at the internet because I did not have a computer of mine and search sex on my father’s computer would sound very strange to me. Then my parents are Catholic and, at least to a certain point, even I’m, and then we went to church on Sunday, mom and aunts were always doing the communion and I was doing as well. In practice at 15 I went to confess every Sunday that I masturbated, I promised myself to stop but then absolutely, I inevitably had to fall back, in practice it was the same story every week. I never told the priest that I was gay because that is not sin, at least I understood it. In essence, a depressing thing, a struggle with myself that was repeated every week. Then when I was 16 my parents gave me my first computer of my own and there I was the mother of invention, I have studied with great care as you put the password so no one could access my computer, I think my father would not have ever done such things for reasons of principle (and I respect him because he respects me) but my mother would put her hands there, and I'm sure she thinks it is the duty of a good mother to meddle in the affairs of the son, but finally, put the password, I could feel comfortable. I could lock myself in my room, but this would not have been tolerated, but I had my computer where no one could be in the way of my business. I rearranged the furniture in my room and put my desk looking toward the door, so no one could enter without me noticing him and I placed the location of my computer so I could have time to change the page if someone had walked into. Internet for me meant especially pornography. At first it was just an obsession, I could not wait, in the evening, to put myself in front of the computer even if I had to wait until all were gone to bed. At first it was really a frenetic hunt for free porn sites, but I was and I'm still very selective, porn, yes, but there must be something sweet, affectionate, otherwise I change. I took a huge collection of photos, not video, looking for my ideal physical model of boy and then I worked on trying to build my fantasy movie with a story of a boy, a kind of tender love story and also sex, all mixed together. All my sexuality was reduced to masturbation and these fantasies, but I liked a lot. I was not frustrated or thinking that I was really missing something, or at least I did not think so until recently.

And here begins the second part of the story. I'm pretty tall and very thin, and after a disturbing flue, the family doctor insisted that I could practice sports. At first I just didn't want to because I had never done such things, even as a child, then my parents insisted and I started to think that in fact it could also have a purpose in a sexual way, so I accepted, three times a week in a swimming pool close to my home (I go there on foot in 20 minutes). I go there in the afternoon at 18.00 in order to have a little free time to devote to other things. The first time I went there to register and pay the fee I was upset: a nice place, very clean and very well equipped, I was put at  the beginners course and I did know the coach, a guy about 25/30 maximum, beautiful, with a beautiful smile and an athletic handshake. However it was a very short conversation. In the afternoon I bought swimsuit, bathrobe, towel and bag, I tried the swimsuit the less compromising and useful to defend more in case of erection and then I got just an erection paranoia: what if it happens to me? And I started going back and forth: I'll go or not go? And then I wondered if the showers had partitions and many other such things, however I decided to go swimming wearing my swimsuit under my trousers to overcome at least the first embarrassed, then, if necessary, I could get away 10 minutes before the others and go in the locker room when no one was there. I was very uncertain, however, my parents had paid money in order to let me practice sports and then I was expected to do so, in short, at 17.45 o'clock, the day after, I made my entrance into the pool, the coach was there, we shook hands with other boys. Guys more or less about my age where many, in all about a dozen on the 15 scheduled. The coach told us to sit on the benches poolside waiting "those" of the previous course to get out of the locker room, a course for girls, so you cannot get in the dressing room until they have finished, the coach told us in a mischievous smile very spontaneous, I could say typically straight, which led me to exclude him from the number of interesting guys. Meanwhile, I eyed three boys pretty good and in particular one of the three who had reacted in an embarrassed way to the coach’s speech. Then after minutes we entered the locker room I took a seat on the bench right next to that guy, I do not know if he realized he was embarrassed but he really was. I had already my swimsuit on and I was pretty quiet, but he put on the swimsuit there, but in a special way. He had a very long shirt (I think he had it chosen for that very reason), first he pulled out the edges of the shirt that practically covered the entire "x area" then he lowered his trousers pulling them from the bottom, without raising flaps of the shirt, then he pulled down pants with a very similar maneuver, and put on the swimsuit and to bring it up took it form over his shirt, in practice it all lasted no more than 10 seconds and, of course, I saw nothing, then he took off his shirt and I've saw him with only the swimsuit on. He was beautiful! A hundred times better than me! In the meantime I had taken off my trousers and shirt and I was in my swimsuit too. I searched his x zone and in practice I didn’t see anything, obviously he was so embarrassed that the situation gave him no sexual reaction, for me it was not exactly like that, but my swimsuit was pretty adequate and contained me fine, however I tried to distract me to lower that principle of erection. During the lesson there were other people, there was the coach and then I got distracted. However, the guy threw furtive glances to me every now and then, and sometimes I even caught him looking at me. In practice, I wondered what he would do at the end of the lesson, if I could see him naked and what should I do with showers. Then the time came. We went into the locker room and he repeated the same maneuver he had done when he put on the swimsuit, exactly on the contrary, in practice it dried his chest, put the "drop down" shirt and then took off the swimsuit, dried himself and put on his briefs, and always under the flap of the shirt, this time everything was very fast and I did not see anything. I put on the robe, dried and got dressed under my bathrobe, but I can say right in the most beautiful moment my bathrobe opened and I saw him throwing the eye over there, suddenly he turned away and apologized. A very unusual thing in a locker room of a swimming pool. I finished in a few seconds to get dressed, red-faced with embarrassment, but I did not want to lose contact with him, even if, instead of seeing him, he had been who had seen me. While he was putting things in the bag I thought to ask him why he apologized but probably it would create embarrassment so I just asked if it was the first time he was in the pool (stupid question), and from there we started talking a little, he was relieved that I had not given weight to the episode of the bathrobe. We went to the bar, had a drink then I asked if he had a car, he said no and I offered to accompany him home because, unusually for my habit of walking, I came by car. I took him home, rather distant, about 20 minutes by car, we spoke only of sport and training, when he left, he greeted me with a nice handshake, very determined. I'll call him Mark, but actually he has an unusual name that inspires me very gently. My parents at home noticed that I got good experience in the pool and they were happy. I know Mark has completely changed my life, not that apparent, of course, but the sexual life. In practice it is almost completely eclipsed the era of pornography and started the era of Mark. I'm in an immense tenderness and this is the point, it is a sexual tenderness, practically all of my sexuality is dedicated only to him and all my mental films have a single protagonist. I love him because it's a good guy, if possible even more clumsy than me, but I also want him sexually, and I'm not ashamed to say so. We were in the early days of embarrassing situations in which I felt guilty because I had not spoken to him so clear, for example, sometimes in the evening I called him on the phone, I told him that I could not say too much because my parents where at home and I did not have the privacy I wanted, but he called me a lot, usually half an hour and more and it was the same for me, and those calls have a strong erotic value even now, when I know he’s going to call me I go to bed and talk on the phone while masturbating under the covers. Of all this I feel a bit guilty, because he doesn’t know, but I would have liked him to do the same. Over time, the pool, things are a little changed, and we became real friends, I used to take him at home and get him back home three times a week and we talked about a lot of thing but never about things related to sex. In the locker room the embarrassment of the first time had slowly passed, he used no more his "drop down" shirt and changed by my side remaining naked for a second, just like I started to do, and he used to give me a look at that time, just as I did with him, it seams too little thing, but I looked at him and he pretended it was nothing. At the end between us it was a kind of sexual contact accepted. I had noticed that, as Americans would say, he is well endowed in that department and I cannot deny that when I think about that my blood is boiling. Then an event occurred that changed things completely. One evening, after I drove him home, we were talking a long time in the car and in practice we have declared each other. Before he made a long preamble that could mean only one thing, then I asked if I could hold his hand and he said yes, it was a close intense moment that never ended, I told him: "Do I embarrass you if I say that I’m sexually aroused?" He said: "It happens to me too." It had been more than five months since our first meeting. Embracing Mark, I can finally kiss him, touch him even intimately knowing that he's fine with that and see that there really is an experience sexuality in unison, with practically identical reactions, I see a guy who "wants" to stay with me, I think we are a couple and  this probably will not collapse, such tings make me feel great. Now we've been together many months and my life changed. My sexuality belongs to Mark. Unfortunately we cannot live our feelings in the light of the sun, but there is nothing I would change on the world for the joy of being near him, because he's a sweet guy, a bit as I think I’m, but he is also much sensual. When we are intimate it seems to me to dream. Unfortunately we attend different studies and probably would have very different tasks, we live our history in secret, and can meet once a week and spend together Saturday afternoon and Sunday in a small house outside of town in the Apennines, the last few months it was bitterly cold and stay embraced under the covers was just something very tender. It's great to live together sex and tenderness. Sometimes I'm afraid it's only a dream and that it could end at any moment, when he’s out traveling by car I make him send me a text message every time he arrives at destination, and I do the same with him. We must save our happiness. That's why I wanted to tell the boys of gay project that sex and tenderness are one thing, and happiness is possible! So brave! An affectionate greeting to you, Project, who put on this project. Of course you can publish my mail. A hug to all my dear.

Michael

GAY LOVE AND COMING OUT

Hello Project,

I wanted to tell you my story and I would like to know what you think, bellow there's my contact, if you like chatting with me just a little.

Call me Mark, it’s not my real name, but everybody calls me this way, because I don’t like my real name, I’m 21 y. o., live in a big city, and study physical education sciences, I study subjects related to sports because I practice sports and I’m an athlete at competitive level and also with excellent results. That is, even though I know that the career of a player and in particular specialties that I practice ends very soon, I’d like to remain in the world of sports because it is my real world and because I really feel at ease there. I sport since I was a young boy; the gym is my second home or even the first, because I spend more time in the gym than at home.

But I come to the point. Until last year I have not thought much about sex. I had to attend school, then university and had mainly competitions that for me were very important. In practice until last year, but I would say all last year if not beyond, even in January, February 2008, for me sport was only sporting activity. I never felt embarrassment in the locker room or showering with other guys and I did also some sexual joke and sometimes I was also the victim of such jokes but absolutely no problem, indeed I always liked a lot the free locker room environment because we play a little there and I like well such things, but from the beginning of March, that is from a very short time, things have really changed. Do not ask me why and if there is a good reason, I thought so but I have not been able to discover one. You have understood! I started to realize that in the locker room there were other naked guys and I began to worry about. I had never noticed that my mates where naked in the locker room or in the shower for me all that was always absolutely normal, but, let's say, by March I started to notice them. For them nothing had changed at all but for me it was very different, I was aware of that, I was interested, in short, I was studying my mates and beginning to think how would have been nice if those guys were in love with me. Outside, I continued to behave more or less as before even if I was beginning to have problems controlling the erection, which in the locker room and showers is not a little taboo, so that it’s the hallmark that you are gay. You do everything to avoid erection and you are worried because you don’t understand how other guys could take such things. The result of all this: I spend in the locker room just a minute and I try to be dressed as much as possible, but then the moment of truth arrives and then anxiety comes. Virtually I’m at ease with my being gay, I had virtually no problem, and although I had never had a girl in the truest sense of the word, but just little stories, that I have never taken seriously, in practice I have only taken note of what I knew already. But when you're gay and live in places like those where I live, that is in the midst of athletes that are not all beautiful how people think even if among them there are really those very sexy, well, inside you feel a certain agitation. I read that many young men seek meeting sites or gay chats, I never did such things, for me the gym is everything also from this point of view, I would have practically no need to seek sex photos on the net because I am among guys when and how I like. My real problem is another, that is to understand if among the guys I like there are gay guys because I’d never fall in love with a straight guy making a poor showing and being teased. I'm also having problems about sport performances, my trainer says it often and asks me why, but I can’t tell him how things really are. Another thing. Do not laugh: I never had any gay experience; I never made sex with anyone. Now I think I’m not really in love, because as Project says: to fall in love it’s necessary to be two, and then I’m not missing sex in the true meaning of the word, when It happens I do what everybody does, but I don’t like to get involved in troubles to make sex with a guy that I don’t know and don’t even know if he’s healthy, for such stuff count me out. Now, I can say, I’m alone just in the sense that I don’t have a boyfriend. I premise I don’t even have gay friends, I found the Project’s gay blog on Google and I was amazed by the monstrous amount of material that it contains. I built my little knowledge on gay issues on that blog but not only by reading the posts (I can read Italian) but also the comments, then I discovered the forum, first I didn’t notice it, but it’s also a mine. And I read a lot of very interesting posts, but I have not had the courage to enroll. Now, speaking honest, I think that sooner or later I will make some big poppycock in the gym, to tell the truth there is a guy who attracts me very much there. I’m now his coach, he is in a group entrusted to me, 19 y. o., he’s younger than me, but I’m 21, not 50. He’s really beautiful and then we shower together every day, in short, you understand, I like everything of him. With him I behave in a casual and friendly manner, as I do with the other guys, but with others I am spontaneous, with him no, we talk so much, both before and after the shower, he trusts me completely and considers me just like a brother. He has to graduate in days, just a couple of weeks ago he was very sad, we waited to talk and he told me that the mathematics teacher called him unexpectedly and graded him badly and said that he could never pass the examination. He had studied a lot but that the teacher was just a piece of shit that would have done everything to put him in trouble, because he had it in for him, at some point his eyes became red and he was going to cry. I wanted to embrace him, I wanted to keep close to tell him that I loved him but I felt frozen and I didn’t move at all, I saw in his eyes just two tears that torn my soul, he was ashamed and dried tears with hands. I told him that last year I lost a very important medal for two hundredths of a second and later, when no one saw me, I started crying like a fountain. Then there has been training and I cuddled him a lot and he was happy for all this attention, then in the shower I had the impression that he almost tried my eyes, that is he was trying to understand if I observed him and I think he understood, when we left he waited to speak with me but in another way, at least I had the impression that it was in another way, he looked into my eyes more directly and smiled, I thought that he wanted an encouragement but I didn’t anything. It is true that with me he has talked about girls but this does not mean anything. My anxiety is now only about is being gay or not? To tell the truth it’s as if I had the premonition to be on the verge of being involved in some ugly mess and that’s why I try to treat him well, but without going beyond and indeed I take care also of other guys, but I should say rather I pretend to take care of those guys trying to get reed of his image that is always in front of me. I study all the ways to stay with him as long as possible, without looking too much interested and when it’s possible, I do whatever I can, to avoid to meet him, in practice now we talk only when it is he that calls me but I never take the initiative. But when he asks me, I show me very excited. Today in the shower I looked and noticed he had an erection, but most likely one sees what he wants to see. Shit! I can’t stand that no more! But why should I fall in love with a guy and not have the courage to speak openly! What could happen? I don’t know. In practice I think that he never got the suspicion that I’m gay, or perhaps yes, I don’t know what to think, but it is an unbearable stress. Want to laugh? Well I think he is heterosexual and that is fine with me because for him there are no complications of any kind about sex and he thinks that this is the case even for me. So I am condemned to this eternal torment of not knowing how to behave. If things go on like that and he doesn’t freeze me with something extraordinary, like seeing him kissing a girl or joking stupidly on gays, well, I believe that I will make the madness, I tried many times to prepare the speech but I think that at the end I would be trivial and very direct, such as: "I am gay and you?" And at this point he jabs me in the face or I looks upset. Sometimes in the locker room I feel like I’m sex maniac and sometimes I even feel guilty over the guy who I like best because in fact I am cheating him and I hate to cheat him, and that could well be one of the fundamental reasons for making the big step and tell him how things really are.

A hug,

Marc

P. S. if you publish this mail, we’ll see what guys think.

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http://progettogayforum.altervista.org/viewtopic.php?f=11&t=116&start=0