GAY FEELINGS BETWEEN LOVE AND FRIENDSHIP

Hello Project,
I don’t know if you remember me, 25 y. o. then, now 26, I give you a clue, we also talked about fencing, I wrote you several months ago when I was affected by a great sense of depression and fear, especially fear because I was getting into trouble but you made ​​me understand it, we talked almost until the morning.

Well, I want to tell you that things have changed and that the cold shower that I got that night was good for me. I abandoned all clubs and dating sites, it was not easy because even if that environment was for me depressing, it was essentially the only outlet for me and actually I was about to enter a real phase of addiction. I started to attend my old friends, all straight but all good guys. I graduated and I also found a job, unfortunately only fixed-term but somehow it’s a job. I had to fabricate an imaginary girl living in another city to ward off the attentions of my co-workers (clearly female co-workers) and especially the gossip, but this is not very important.

I am writing to tell you about another story that has really changed my life. You know that I live in a small village about 30 kilometers from my home town. At that time I still had to make the final exams and to discuss the thesis because I was back to study and I wanted to come to the end as soon as possible. I had an appointment with my teacher at the University to 9.00 in the morning, so I had to leave home at 7.30. I go out, and go by car because of bad weather (October), just after one of the three villages that I have to cross to get to the city it begins to rain heavily, I see a guy on the side of the road without umbrella and looking for a ride, I stop and I do him get in the car. He was hooded and I had barely caught a glimpse of him. He gets in the car all wet and bathes all over the seat, he doesn’t even apologize but immediately asks if I’m going to town, we did not even shook hands, he seems to me quite unkempt, beard of a few days, long hair, nails not very appealing, etc. etc..

During the ride (about 20 minutes) we were in silence without saying a word. When we were close to a porch he asked me to stop and got out of the car, but said nothing. I had to go to the University and it ended there. About a week after, more or less exactly the same thing happens again, this time it pours and we stop for a few minutes to wait for it to pass the time of the most intense rain but almost without saying a word. I just said that in practice I was going to town by car every day at the same time. He didn’t even respond. Then the rain falls and he gets out, but the day after he is in the same place but not hitchhiking, I have the distinct impression that he is there waiting for me.

To reach a minimum of meaningful discourse it took us more than a month but then it happened. We were in the car talking for half an hour. He is 28 years old, I'll call him Paul, he lives in a village 10 km away from my house, a little village, now he is unemployed because it is very difficult to find a job, to me the matter of work went well but it's really hard today. In the past worked as an agronomist in a farm. The dialogue with him is very difficult, he tends to see things in a negative way, then at some point the conversation ends, he thanks me in a very ritual way and leaves. In the following days I found him in the same place and at the same time.

And here's the story of the Sunday. Obviously I do not go to town on Sunday, but a particular Sunday it happened that I had to go and he was there in the same place, even though it was bitterly cold. This time we talked a little more, I asked him what he was doing in the city every day, he said he used to spend the day in a large shopping center because at least it was warm. So he went to town every day, even before we met, and this made me think that maybe he just wanted to get a ride by car, but there is an extra-urban bus line that comes right when I come and I often find the bus just before my car, but he does not take it, perhaps before we met he used to take a bus but now he doesn’t and waits for me. He is not a particularly nice guy and I was not interested from that point of view even if I wanted to understand why this guy was waiting for me in the morning (also on Sunday) just to spend twenty minute with me, if things were really that way.

Project, do not expect sensational endings to this story, at least externally nothing has happened, I know almost nothing about him, he doesn’t tell me and I do not ask questions, but I go out every day to go into town (also on Sundays) in order to spend with him twenty minutes, it is paradoxical, I know. Since he doesn’t even accept my proposal to go to breakfast together. The only change I've seen in his habits is a little smile (the smile of someone who is not used to smile). I don’t know what to think about his (and also my) somehow strange behavior, I thought of anything, from the most tragic to the most stupid things but Paul is not superficial. I think he is studying me, I think he’s trying to figure out how deeply I’m interested, probably just as a friend, but the word friend is not reductive. I don’t know if he is gay, I do not know if I would like him to be gay, it's all so incredibly undefined and yet it is something that intrigues me deeply.

I mean that I expect something from this guy, at least that this friendship will go on like this, that is, that will not end in anything, because for me, little by little, it became important. It was just the fact of thinking continuously of Paul that allowed me to live a real emotional life. Between going to a gay bar and meet people that only are searching for sex from you and thinking constantly of Paul to try to understand a little more about this guy, there is a huge difference, I have the impression that something has been created between us, even though I'm afraid that bring out the speech explicitly can actually make everything collapse.

Between us now there is some hint of a smile and some rare word but very significant and painful, nevertheless I have the impression that things are meaningful and between us there is also an encrypted but very serious dialogue, I do not know yet exactly what is the meaning of our dialog but Paul is now part of my life and I warn very clearly that my life has found its way. I think I'm fond of this guy, I'm fond of (I don’t speak about falling in love) and in the end I do not care whether he's gay or not, it is as if I felt to be important to him beyond words, it does not matter why I’m important but I realize that I'm really important, I’m not just a piece of the puzzle as I was with other guys, but I’m important as a person.

I realize that what I say is heard and remembered, and that the words he says to me, even if rare, have been planned for a long time because they are especially dedicated to me. If one morning I didn’t find that guy in the same place as usual I would hurt, I would feel abandoned but it never happened and I make sure to never miss to that appointment and then there's that smile. He may be just a depressed guy who needs a little attention but even this way I would be fine. I know that our silence has a deep meaning and that there is the pleasure of being together twenty minutes a day. For me those twenty minutes set the tone for the day.

Project, I do not deny that I have many doubts and especially I don’t know how to behave because I live in a kind of exhausting waiting for something to happen that never happens and I'm afraid to take the first step. Yet we are not kids, we should have put aside these hesitations now. I do not even know if I feel a sex drive for this guy, certainly for other guys I felt much stronger sexual involvement. He interests me in other respects, more complex and less easy to understand.

Project, I remember when we talked, you were trying to emphasize that the important things come when you least expect them and follow their own logic that has nothing to do with models that everyone can create in his head. I have no plans about this guy, I'm interested in him as a person, I just want to see him smile, maybe even with a girl. He is giving me a lot and I hope I can do the same for him. Project, I'm rediscovering what it means to love someone and it's something that makes me feel good.
With affection.
Steven

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ANOTHER GAY LOVE

Hello Project,

thank you for having wasted all of that time with me, i wouldn't ever have expected that. At last, speaking with you caused me a strange effect, it brought me back in time.
They've been so many years that my experiences are the opposite of what you say on your blog, or at least they were so. Even if now I'm 40, I guess I have never used my brain, stupid things made by me in the past are a lot and even big for the most, and we talked about them the last night, but the most foolish thing I did, was for me to try to put my ego always on top, on the centre. I started to wander around those places and environments you dislike when I was pretty young, and I felt I was free and over all everything was simply. You do know that I took The Exam and it resulted negative; i'm going to take another test the next three months, but I really am not afraid if it will be positive, because for the past year I've been so careful. I've been lucky, but it's not the same for a friend of mine that got it. I think that what brought back my mind to work was this one. I see myself in that guy, and I won't leave him alone. Speaking of me, I feel like I was in a weird situation, as if everything I felt in the past made me able to understand those guys that live an extreem life as it had been mine.

Sometimes I think I could leave everything apart (except my job because I need it to live my life) and dedicate my life to the guys like me. I started to do things that made me kidded by others. I attended gay pubs and "harassed" guys and if they were really in troubles i tried to make them reason by telling them how I had been living and everything I told you. Some of them told me that I had to become friar. Some guys when being aware that I didn't want to have sex with them thought I was mad. It has been so the most of times (a dozen of times in total) just in one case it happened in a different way, precisely with a 20 years old guy, who was really lost (addicted by drugs also) and was trying anything to throw out his life.

In his house there was noone, ever,  and noone was looking for him. At school he was a failure. When I first met him, he was attending the fifth class (last year of high school in italy - e.n.) for the second time because he had been fired. Project, you won't believe me but meeting this guy has been the "turning point" of my life. Until 37, I had been living in the worst scruffiness, the only serious thing in my life was my job, but I had been wasting all I possessed and the whole of what I didn't to spend every night in pubs looking for guys andI had lost the count. If you had seen my home you surely would have been scared of what you could have found in it, rubbish and mould everywhere, sheets dirty like crap, honestly I said everything I had to. Then I met him, Marco (fake name). He told me about terrible matters, almost always and only about death and inadequacy, he thought he hadn't a reason to still live. Sometimes I thought he could be able to commit suicide, because of how much despair his eyes were full of. I invited him to my home, he came in guessing the reason was sex, i guess he did so because of his past experience, I was attracted by him and I felt a bit of temptation, no a lot of it, but I resisted and I played a role between the elder brother and the serious friend. At the end of the day he asked me if I could let him stay for the night, so I spent the time til 2 am  to clean "his" room (my house has 2 rooms), i worked like a slave and even washed the floor (that had been like that for a year); initially he observed me, but then he helped me out.
We filled 10 sacks with rubbish, we cleansed the place of all the dust and I gave him the only clean sheets I found- He wanted to sleep with the doors open. The next morning when I woke up he was still asleep (at 6.00 am al least), I told him I was going out and buy some milk and he answered by whining. When I got home, he had already waken  and was washing the bathroom. He asked me "Who lives here with you?" and when I answered "noone" he asked me to let him stay. I answered positively, I gave him some money because he hadn't and I got to office. When i came back at 5.00 pm I found him busy for all the work, the house was bright as a mirror, he had done several washing and even cooked. It was the end of july, in september the school was going to begin but he didn't want to study by all means and if I tried to speak about that matter he didn't answer me so I had to blackmail him "If you want to stay you must study, otherwise you'll have to leave!". At first he answered me with bad words, then he told me that he wouldn't be able to understand the subjects because he was stupid.

In the evening we started to make projects about the school, he seemed perplexed but not annoyed.
He wanted to make love with, he said that he felt like it was a spontaneus feeling and this event made me baffled so I told him I had no faith in him and that we had to have the test (hiv) at first and then again because of the window period; he accepted it as answer and didn't say anything about the subject. The evening we watched the TV, me on the armchair and him lying on the sofa laughing sometimes and I won't ever forget the way he smiles.

The next day I went to his school and took the modules for his subscription and when I returned home he gazed at me surprised and told me "So you were serious!". He never left home, I thought he soon or late would have had the need of visiting those pubs again but he never did, he never asked me for money also. After a week that was his home also.

So, project, he will have the maturity exam soon. I went to school and talked with his teacher telling them I was his uncle (not true) and Marco receives good marks and I guess he will go to the university. He still lives with me, he has been the best thing ever happened in my life, and I hope he  finds a nice guy that will love him because I'm afraid that he will grow fond of me too much. I'm half scared of and I half wish it. Now no pubs for me and  him either.

In my life I had sex with many guys and never with Marco, even so, I love him so much and I feel loved.

I don't know if ours his a gay couple or an association of desperate people but he is the most wonderful thing in my life.

Now I know what loving a guy is, before I had never known it. Before I thought that love and sex were the same thing but then I understood that it's not like it.

Project, this is the story I started to tell you yesterday and you've been the only trusting  me!
Thank you Project! I wander about what would have happened if I had noticed about GayProject 20 years ago...

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SPECIAL FRIENDSHIPS AND GAY SEXUAL EXPERIENCES

This post is dedicated to the concept of "gay sexual experience".

This is a concept that often emerges when I talk in chat with gay guys. The "gay sexual experiences" can be considered in several aspects:

1) As a kind of license for to be in gay sexuality on the basis of the theorem according to which masturbation is adolescence sexuality while sexual couple experiences are a passport to adult sex life.

2) As a kind of learning and exploring sexual life being somehow a couple.

3) As a gradual sexual approach toward another guy to which you feel a real affective transport but you don’t know his sexual orientation.

The point of view N. 1 implies sexuality not as a contact between two real guys but as individual skill. The younger guys are using terms like "at my age the other guys have already done such things”, guys about 25 and beyond, express themselves differently: "I have not ... I have never done." Guys over 30 use more melancholy like "I don’t want to miss the train", or worse "if not now I’ll never do…”.Despite the difference in terms of words we can see that these are people who give to their sexual initiation a particular value in itself, regardless of who is the person that will be their partner in the first experience. In essence there is an underestimation of the emotional dimension and an overestimation of the sexual one. The anxiety of the first time here is not the anxiety that captures a guy who is to make sex for the first time with a guy that he loves, but is the anxiety of making as soon as possible that first time, even with a unknown guy. You use the term "weaning" from the perspective of the guy who allows another guy to make his first sexual experience or even "losing virginity" from the perspective of those who experiment their first experience so much desired and finally realized, without any too specific sexual reference. Very often in such situations guys end up being more or less satisfied or frustrated according to the variety of the sexual performance and its correspondence to a model of gay sexuality derived from pornography. In this sense, terms like "we did everything" or "we had a full intercourse" are hiding the idea of sexuality as performance. Dominates the idea of being adults by the sex, the typical idea of boys not yet fully mature in emotional terms, but this is valid for all ages.

The point of view N. 2 represents a condition of a much more mature sexuality and it’s really satisfactory if the participation in the life of the couple is deep under the emotional profile. Each one of the two guys of the couple may consider the other as a necessary tool to realize his own sexual fantasies, and I would say that so the emotional dimension is quite marginal, but the idea of sexual experiences as a way of exploring couple sexuality can also be linked to a deep feeling of friendship and mutual respect, or to an even more emotional experience, which could be just an approach to the true emotional couple sexuality. I add that, often, sexual experiences born under serious relationships with the premise that "there is nothing too much serious", then slowly and almost imperceptibly consolidate prior to the establishment of a common share of sexual contact and then to create much more complex relationship in which emotions and sexuality interact. In any case, the point of view N.2 starts from the concept of a couple in which both boys have precise ideas about their behavior and can confront each other explicitly in a dimension of real sharing but it is a condition that is not very common for gay guys.

The point of view N. 3 is probably the most common among gay guys not declared for which a couple relationship or just a friendship that provides the opportunity to talk openly about gay sexuality is actually more a dream than an hypothesis. For these guys, and not just for the young but also for the thirties and beyond, the physical sexuality does not go beyond masturbation, at least for long periods. These guys fall in love anyway, even in many situations involvements are unilateral and in many cases they tend toward heterosexual guys or more often to guys that seam only weakly heterosexual, and guys who fall I love wit them don’t know with certainty their sexual orientation. It must be said that these special friendships are much more common than people think and cannot be reduced to the category of straight-gay relationship because in the building phase of the friendship operate many selective mechanisms, so the gay guy tends to drop the opportunity to automatically create serious relationship with a boy too markedly heterosexual or with a boy who does not offer to the first attempts to contact him an encouraging response. The guy who does not feel gay, on the other hand, accepts a relationship of close friendship with another guy only if he has no foreclosure to a deep emotional involvement that ties him to his friend. In short, neither of the boys comes by chance in a friendship like this. I must underline that I intend to refer to deep emotional relationships and really desired by both partners. The guy who is not gay is fully at ease within this relationship. The gay guy takes it instead at two separate levels, one of friendship and sharing where there is no place to anything explicitly sexual, and one not declared and implicit dominated by the sex approach. In particular, beyond friendship the gay guy sees the possibility of a love story and he lives the relationship in a tension towards a developmental dimension explicitly sexual that often is intended to frustration. The gay guy lives that friendship in a heavily sexualized way, hi masturbates thinking about his friend but cannot tell him that. Apparently a mechanism necessarily leads to a situation of deadlock, but in reality things are very different. In about 50% of cases, the evolution of the forms of sexual friendship is realistic hypothesis. As I said elsewhere, often not explicitly gay partners of these special friendships are sexually confused young guys with an apparently typical heterosexuality but with a typically gay affectivity, in other words are guys with latent homosexuality. In other cases they are guys who manifest a partial bisexuality, and other times are still objectively straight guys involved in a kind of very open friendship, which may appear similar to homosexual behaviors. In all these cases the special friendship may have not only a profound sense in the terms in which it manifests itself initially but may also present possible developments sometimes unexpected and unpredictable because it can lead to the maturation processes of awareness on the part of the boy who seams not explicitly gay but can expand the boundaries of to include ways of acting which are practically impossible for any pair of straight friends. A gay guy knowingly engaged in these kinds of friendships, conceives sexuality only within that friendship, for him the sexual experiences are neither a personal qualification nor a way of living a shared sexuality but an attempt to involve his friend, also from the sexual point of view, especially if such a hypothesis seems to be credited by various behavioral signs from the boy. If a guy loves another guy in an authentic manner and not only to make him just a sex object, he corresponds to the needs of the guy who he loves, hi will never try to impose in any way his own views or sexual categories. However, even when the beloved appears straight, the gay guy assumes that, under the appearances there is something gay. Adapting to your partner is not then adjust to what he reveals about himself, which could lead to situation that could remain locked in stalemate, but encourage the growth of the awareness of the submerged part of the personality of his friend. The gay guy, just pushed by the idea of latent homosexuality of his companion, could never stop with him to behave as if his reputation was 100% hetero. The gay guy must somehow build in his mind a step by step way so that gay sexual experiences, more or less explicit, can awaken the homosexuality of his friend. This is usually a genuine therapeutic path towards homosexuality. In this way, if the gay guy really loves his friend, important assumptions must be taken for granted:

1) If my friend is really straight, I’ll love him anyway.

2) The path-based sexual experiences are essentially oriented to the happiness of my friend, so I can be happy with him and share a sexual contact, but the purpose is not primarily my sexuality but his.

3) I have no haste and no absolute goals, but I will always adapt to my friends times and to his real needs.

These conditions combine a selfish dimension linked to the final satisfaction of sexuality in a loving altruistic motivation which is to promote the sexuality of others. The sexual experiences which gradually the gay boy assumes and somehow tries to achieve, if he has the possibility, assume in him forms of inhibition of sexuality and are governed by certain principles:

a) must be avoided anything that creates or stabilizes the inhibition, the aggression, the insistence, the tones that indicate frustration or disappointment.

b) You must take for granted that the most uninhibited behavior gradually arise spontaneously in very relaxed and tied game moments of non-sexual intimacy.

c) You must avoid taking non necessary actions or just in the wrong moments, while the response to the verbal and non-verbal proposals of their companion must be accompanied by an immediate smile.

d) You must adopt the highest availability to your companion, both of time and of emotional response. Devote time to your companion is the ultimate sign of attention.

e) You must be remembered that the purpose is not to have sexual intercourse with your partner but to allow him to overcome the blocks and inhibitions through an approach to the gay sexuality as smooth as it’s possible.

f) When your partner takes a step forward in the direction of the acceptance of gay sexuality, it should be presented as perfectly normal, expected and obvious. When there is a refusal, partial refusal or referral to another time, it must be accepted as not frustrating and in the relationship nothing should change.

Of course, the way towards acceptance of gay sexuality for some guys is long and for guys with latent homosexuality it may not lead to any conclusion, that means could not lead and in many cases does not lead to the emergence of homosexuality at conscious level.

The way of the gay experience, progressively more explicit, to bring a boy with latent homosexuality to the awareness of his sexual orientation may be interrupted shortly or can be very long and tortuous, and often the dreamed result is not achieved at all. The awareness of this fact by itself is more than enough to remove boys that are not really in love from the idea of embarking on this difficult road and this way, very arduous and with uncertain outcomes, remains the prerogative of the only guys who have real profound emotional interest to their friend. For these boys the real satisfaction is not to realize their personal dream to share sex with their friend but a path, or a stretch of path, that aims ideally at least to a deeper reciprocal emotional life.

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GAY GUYS ESCAPING HOMOSEXUALITY AND HETEROSEXUAL MARRIAGE CAGE

JUST A FEW GAY THOUGHTS

In the life of many guys there is at some point something new and unexpected that arouses curiosity and sometimes disturbance. These are small things that can occur in different ways depending on age of the guy and his previous sexual experiences, but it’s essential to understand the scope and meaning of these things. I’ll list here only for some examples the most typical situations:

1) LOVING FRIENDSHIP - "I know instinctively that I need the physical presence of this friend of mine, I am happy when he’s close to me and I’m sad when he's not, I wait to review him, his voice is printed in my brain, between us there is a total confidence, we say all to each other, for him I would do anything, when he’s not close to me I need him, when he calls me on the phone my heart beats very strong and I’m anxious, I would spend with him all time, when I see him with a girl I’m jealous, and even when I see him speaking with another guy." These expressions commonly interpreted as forms of simple friendship show the establishment of a veiled form of love that apparently has no outside of sexual connotation and very often doesn’t present any conscious sexual connotations even for the guy who lives the loving friendship. This is a highly emotional involvement, which should not be underestimated by the mere fact that it doesn’t show immediately any sexual connotation. It should be borne in mind that the experience of a starting dip love by a gay guy is based on continuity between emotions and sexuality.

2) INVOLUNTARY SEXUAL REACTIONS. Some examples:

a) A beautiful boy just walked by, I turned my head to watch and I was feeling horny but I kept it under control.

b) I spend a lot of time in the locker room to watch a friend of mine who gets undressed and I’m curious to see his dick.

c) I was sitting in the car to talk to a guy, we were alone, and at some point I felt horny.

d) Hour hands just touched for a moment and I felt like a thrill, a kind of electric shock and wanted it to happen again. e) I saw on the street two guys hand in hand and I felt a shiver. f) I saw on the ground a gay porno magazine and I felt horny.

3) VOLUNTARY SEXUAL BEHAVIOURS. Some examples:

a) When we went into school trip I have done everything to get settled in a room with him because I wanted to see him at least in his briefs.

b) In the gym I learned by heart its timetable because I don’t want to miss the moment when he strips.

c) I tried to talk him sexually to see him horny.

d) I deliberately fondled his hair.

e) During the match I felt on him and for a moment I put my hand there. f) I’m always thinking about him and whatever I’d do to him. So at least in the imagination I do very much sex with him. I like him because when I think about him this way I feel horny and I like it when it happens.

g) I jerk off thinking about him; in practice I’m addicted to that.

These things often happen to guys who have a girl and even to guys that have a regular sex life with their girlfriends. The underestimation of the indicative elements that we just reported is extremely common among boys, who are led by environmental pressures, family and religion to credit in themselves the idea of being heterosexual. This way the gay thoughts, that could be outcrop, are removed or more often devalued with attitudes that can be roughly summed up in phrases like:

a) It only happens when she isn’t close to me.

b) It happens only sometimes.

c) I take such thoughts easily under control.
d) Yes, it happens, but I don’t feel conditioned at all.

e) It’s a kind of game, basically for me those things are not very important.

f) Well, it happened, but I’m not gay, I feel I’m not!

g) Well, but it doesn’t matter!

The devaluation of gay content corroborates the guy in his presumption of heterosexuality and starts another mechanism to procure additional confirmation through the exercise of heterosexual sexuality. The boy who is trying to submerge his emerging homosexuality tries to exorcize it in various ways:

1) He starts or intensifies heterosexual involvement focused mainly on sexual dimension. "I got a girl and we do everything."

2) He gives his heterosexual involvement, as it’s possible, a public dimension to show widely his heterosexual live: you see him around with the girl, he takes pictures with her and put the photos on the net, he speaks often about her with his friends.

3) He systematically fails to mention to her his homosexual fantasies.

4) He begins to live his sexuality on two different levels: one, heterosexual, based on external heterosexual relationships and social life and another much more private, homosexual, based on masturbation. Clearly the guy who flees from his gay identity tends to validate the meaning of his heterosexual relationships and to devalue masturbation as something absolutely marginal, precisely because characterized by gay masturbation fantasies.

A gay who behaves as we just described is not heterosexual because he doesn’t love a girl looking to her good and her future but he only uses her, more or less consciously, in order to cover his own homosexuality.

The discovery of their own homosexuality for many guys is something traumatic for cultural reasons and following assimilation of prohibitions and preconceptions of various kinds. These prohibitions and these preconceptions are absolutely senseless; nevertheless such things make the boy who discovers he’s gay, feel like breaking a taboo. The reactions sometimes can also be heavily negative, if the demonization of homosexuality is not only due to social origin but comes from some personal traumatic or unpleasant experience. I’ll try to summarize below some expressions identifying the shock of a guy facing the need to be aware of being gay:

1) I am gay! No! My God! I dislike it at all, I always had a girl, I always liked women, and I’d never be gay!

2) Where I live people are stupid and bad, how can I be gay here? It's impossible!

3) I’m gay like that bastard guy I told you before? No! Better I kill me!

GAY GUYS AND ETHEROSEXUAL TRAP

The gay guys, to escape their homosexuality take refuge in the heterosexuality that is not their true sexual orientation, starting from the premise that heterosexual relationships in which they board are a kind of experiment from which you can exit how and when you want. The assumption is nonetheless very far from reality and the gay guy realizes easily that he entered a situation much more complicated than he thought which involves not only the girl, but her parents and the entire surrounding social environment. In a socially backward, in which the emotional problems of daughters are experienced as a family affair whose natural outlet is marriage, a gay guy who was hiding himself in heterosexuality feels that he is in a sort of golden cage from which it’s very difficult to escape due to a complex interplay of projections and expectations also by the family of the gay guy himself. When a gay guy feels that the golden cage is closing on him, he realizes that he’s going to face two alternative options:

1) Break the engagement, causing many and serious reactions from the girl, her parents and gay guys family itself (if parents are unaware that their son is gay or they are unable to understand).

2) Go ahead despite everything, with the inevitable prospect of marriage. This helps avoids short term problems nevertheless leads to situations without exit, where the gay guy in expected to pretend being heterosexual for a lifetime, accepting the marriage sex life that for a gay guy is certainly unnatural. This way the homosexuality will emerge after marriage with unpredictable and traumatic outcomes.

OPERATIONAL ADVICE

In conclusion what can I advise guys who experience indicative elements of their homosexuality? The answer can be summarized as follows:

1) Do not underestimate the elements that make you think you are gay. 2) Remember that beyond the prejudices and ignorance, being gay is something high and noble and should be lived with dignity, without ever lowering his head in front of anyone. Homosexuality is one of the ways of living human sexuality and for gay people happiness is a possible condition. For that condition of happiness you have to fight strenuously.

3) If you don’t feel really heterosexual do not commit in heterosexual relationships that will be for you only a trap.
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GAY LOVE IN JAMES BALDWIN

GAY LOVE IN JAMES BALDWIN

This post is dedicated to James Baldwin, one of the most important authors of American literature, if you want, you can find a short information about on

http://it.wikipedia.org/wiki/James_Baldwin

But I don’t want to take care myself of literature hare, there are others that can make it with much more competence, I want instead give this man public rewards for what he made for gay people and also individually for me. He speaks about gay “love”, not banally about sex, but about what’s real gay “love” is, in years in which it was difficult to do that and in an America in which the black people as he was, much more if they used to write supporting homosexual world, did not have easy life. But Baldwin wrote a book that I consider certainly the most powerful book that I have read and also the most important book for my human formation, this book is “Another country”, completed December the 10th 1961 (In English: Black Swan book 0 552 99047 7, published in Italy by Feltrinelli, in 1963, in the translation of Attilio Veraldi and newly published in 2004).It’s a masterwork of the American literature, but it’s the gay side of the book that has always bewitched me. For Baldwin, gay life is something high value, it’s a kind of love with capital letter. The book has tragic implications at the beginning, so that it seems to follow a rather common way in the previous gay literature: gay like tragedy. But the second part, that he is that preponderant one, turns over the things completely and the homosexual love ends to become like something that can give value to the life. The characters are many but the history that constitutes the heart of the book is a wonderful history of gay love, born by chance between Eric, a young American writer, and Yves, a French boy much younger than him. Their history is not a tragedy, is not a loneliness history, not so! It’s an history of true love and it’s a love history that ends well. Eric meets Yves just after the war, the two of them know very well that their life will be anymore like before. The atmosphere is of tenderness, mutual respect, deep love. Eric returns to America and Yves sends him a sweetest letter and after a little time he follows him in the United States. Yves arrives to the airport of Los Angeles and Eric is waiting for him, when the boy crosses the gates with anxious feelings in his heart, he knows that he has just arrived “into that city (Los Angeles) which the people from heaven (the Angels)had made their home”. And with this metaphor the book is concluded. But this history of love is not a fable, Yves loves Eric but he knows that sooner or later he will need to feel free also from Eric in order to be himself; also Eric is aware of all this, he knows that sooner or later, in a future more or less far away Yves will go, will have to go in order to follow his road, but this fact will not make Eric abandon Yves to his destiny, Eric will love him also this way, knowing exactly that sooner or later he will lose him, because, as Baldwin says, in the love affairs “there is nothing to decide but everything to accept”. I consider this sentence really sublime. Thanks James!