GAY COUPLES AND LOAVES WITH PORK ROAST

 Hi Project, 

we met in person in 2012 and spent a day together. You may remember that in the morning we went to the Museum of Roman Antiquities and in the afternoon to Villa Borghese. You were exactly my father’s age and I’m writing to you for this very reason: my father is dead and I miss him, I miss him a lot. He also resembled you physically and you reasoned in very similar ways. When I was 20 I had the problem of whether or not to tell my parents that I was gay and for the first time I talked about it with you. On this point you were very careful. Three years later things in my life have changed radically, but since you don’t know the facts, it’s good that I tell you them in order. My father had been a widower for 5 years at the time, I had lost my mother at 15 and my father had not remarried and in practice from 15 on I grew up with my father. He was not very expansive, he used to speaking little, especially after my mother’s death, but was also very rational, especially when he had to think about me. He used to get up very early in the morning, made me breakfast and went to work, he left me a total freedom which I never took advantage of, he never acted in front of me like a man experienced in life affairs who had to teach me how to behave. 

When I entered University, in a faculty to tell the truth not particularly easy, I found myself with a very assorted group of colleagues, from those obsessed with studying (very rare people) to those absolutely use to do absolutely nothing and convinced that they would graduate because they were “intelligent”. I did not feel particularly intelligent and initially I found myself in enormous difficulty, especially due to the total absence of scholastic preparation in Mathematics and Physics. I thought that if I had given up I wouldn’t have many other chances and I did my best to make up for my remote shortcomings. And here my father has been a great man. He didn’t understand anything about Mathematics and Physics, but he began to study with me and he did it with care and love. We used to study, then stop for a snack and then we restarted to study. In practice, I passed all the exams of the first year studying with my father who, I repeat, had started from scratch. 

The second year I felt able to follow the lessons without help and I started to study with Peter, a colleague of mine who had to take my same exams. We studied together and my father used to bring us tea with biscuits in the afternoon, and to prepare lunch for us when I studied with Peter at my home, but he used also to prepare dinner for me, when I studied with Peter at his home and used to come back at dinner time. I liked Peter, at the time I only knew this: that he was a good guy and that I liked him and also that he wanted to study seriously. 

The second year ended well, with Peter we studied hard, we wasted no time, studying was not an excuse to stay together, it was really the basic purpose of our common work, and we were good with each other. I didn’t have the courage to tell Peter that I had fallen in love with him. I don’t know what my father understood, but I noticed that at a certain point, when Peter was at home, my father would go out and return directly to dinner time. At the beginning I didn’t give weight to this “detail” but it was a form of respect. I used to talk a lot about me and Peter and I was very proud of what we were doing, my father approved, always in his very reserved way. We took the three-year degree and enrolled for the specialist degree. 

At a certain point, without any formal admission neither on his part nor on mine, Peter and I began to understand that “maybe” we were both gay. One day a very handsome guy passed in front of us and Peter said: “What a handsome guy!” and I nodded yes and my eyes probably sparkled more than usual. He said looking straight into my eyes: “Then I guess I wasn’t wrong! I was afraid that my imagination had flown too high.” Then we stared into each other’s eyes for about ten seconds. There was no need to add more, we were now a couple. With Peter we understood each other immediately, the words were very few and in a sense, even if with very few words, we talked about everything with the utmost freedom. There was no space between us for psychological discussions of any kind, we had a study goal but that for us was already “our” goal, that is, our goal as a couple, we knew very well that after university we would still be together. 

I told him I didn’t know what to do with my father, he replied that he thought it would happen without any particular problem. Peter, in these things, was much more skilled than me and was able to see much further than me. After those days our behavior became much more casual, even at home and in front of my father, and my father had the confirmation of how things really were between me and Peter, assuming he had not understood it before, But I think that very likely he had understood everything from the beginning. Obviously my father would never have talked to us about the fact that we were a couple, even though he had understood it perfectly well because he thought it would be inappropriate anyway. 

One day Peter and I found ourselves talking with my father about the university and we began not only to boast of having done well but also to give opinions not so positive on some of our colleagues who had dropped out of school. My father at first listened and did not intervene. Note, Project, that Peter at that time called my father by name, without having any problems. Then, at the end of the evening, my father told us that he had to tell us something important. We thought he wanted to ask us about our relationship and we felt embarrassed but the speech was completely different from what we expected. My father intervened with his calm but also with his decision: “Guys, you have worked so hard and you have done important things but you must not judge the guys who have stopped on the road, never forget that you have also had many fortunes, above all the good fortune to meet and study together.” 

Peter and I blushed, and Peter caught the ball and said to my father: “Albert, for a moment I thought you wanted to ask us about our relationship, I mean the one between me and Aldo …” My father just said: “No , I understood that you love each other and that’s a good thing, that’s is your freedom, and there is nothing more beautiful than loving each other. You are two good guys and I’m happy that you met and that you are fine together. Your happiness is my happiness! The problem is not this, that you, guys, love each other it’s fine but never judge your neighbor, because, before judging, the life of others should be known from within. Now I’m going to tell you something I only said to my wife, but I think it’s time to tell you too. 

When I was a boy I went through very difficult times, you see me now, but I wasn’t always like this, when I was a boy they couldn’t handle me. I was very frustrated by the school that I could digest by no way and by the relationships with my parents, who sometimes I hated deeply because they humiliated me in public and, as my father told me, they wanted to straighten my back but by dint of slaps and blows . I don’t want to talk bad about my father, because he drank and didn’t control himself, he was violent, he beat my mother and me with the belt and he behaved like an animal. It happened that I ran away from school in middle school and he took me back to humiliate me and insult me in front of my classmates. He thought he was a strong man who was respected but they feared him because when he drank he was really out of his mind. 

I was always around hanging out with some criminals of my age, who used to steal and did damage to the traders, trying to extort some money. As long as it was about being braggart with girls and acting like a bully, I liked doing it, but I felt it was wrong to go and break shop windows, but my friends told me I had to prove I was a man and show my courage. In practice, according to them, I had at least once to go and break the window of the delicatessen shop under my house, it was a small external window, and I broke it deliberately, I was about 15-16 years old, no more. 

The owner was an old man who knew me, he had seen that it was me the one who had broken the window and he also knew where I lived, because sometimes had delivered the shopping to my house, and I was afraid he would report me to the police, but this seemed to me quite unlikely, I was much more afraid he would go and tell my father all the story because my father would have beaten me badly. Inside I was scared but with the guys of my gang I had to be a braggart. The old man did not come to my house and my father remained calm, I didn’t know what to think. The next day, before going to school, I passed the delicatessen and the old man kindly motioned me to come closer, I was afraid, but I saw him all in all calm and I didn’t know what to say. I made the scene of the one who didn’t know who had broken the window: “They broke your window … but do you know who did it?” And he told me. “Yes I know it was you … but are you going to school?” I said yes and he said to me, “Wait a minute!” He went into the shop and a minute later he came back with a wrapped bundle and said to me:” This is a loaf with pork roast, it’s good! But you has to start studying seriously. Don’t go around doing damage because you can find people who if you break their shop window can ruin you! Did you understand?” I nodded yes and added an awkward half smile, then waved a wave and walked away. 

In short, after that morning I began go past the delicatessen every day before going to school and above all I started going to school again, and every day there was a different snack. This story went on until the year of the final exam. In January they closed the delicatessen for mourning, the old man was gone. Seeing that closed delicatessen caused me a violent reaction of tears, it was the first time that I had not cried out of hatred but because I had lost a person who had believed in me. I didn’t end up drifter or delinquent because I found the butcher, but if I hadn’t found him who knows where I would be now. Perhaps Aldo would not be there and you would never have met him. What you two are experiencing now you also owe it to the butcher, even if you have never heard of him before. Remember what you have had from life. You are a couple of guys, and that’s okay, but you have to be a couple of good guys not only with each other but with those who are worse off than you. I’m not homosexual and I’ve wondered many times why that old man prepared a loaf for me every day, I don’t know if he was married or had children, maybe he was gay too, I don’t know, and in any case, we’ll never know, but he changed my life!” 

Peter loved my father, when my father was ill and was hospitalized we were always close to him “together” to the point that people thought  we were brothers. My father never raised the issue of accepting a gay son, such an idea never crossed his mind. He said, “Whether and how accept a gay son? What a strange issue! … I had two gay sons, one better than the other!” He passed away at the end of 2019 and for us it was an excruciating loss. Peter, if he thinks about it, tears come to his eyes and for me it’s just the same, and when it happens we hug each other very tightly until we almost hurt ourselves. 

Project, this story is above all a tribute to my father. He taught me many things I didn’t know and also that a pork roast loaf can give birth to happiness even 50 years later! It sounds unbelievable but things went exactly so.

______________

If you want, you can participate in the discussion on this post open on the Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-gay-couples-and-loaves-with-pork-roast

GAYS AND SEXUAL MORAL

 Hello Project!Come on, I don’t tell you the usual things, if I send this email to you it means that I expect an answer and I think there will be. I’m 33 years old, I like Project, but I feel very, or at least quite different from the Project guys, in the sense that I’m much freer, I think at least, then I don’t know, but in practice, let’s say from the age of twenty onwards, I have had so many experiences, of all kinds, that you cannot even imagine, but never with girls who don’t exist for me at all, but let’s say that in the gay field I have passed all possible experience, from those with peers to those with men much older than me, I have been very often on the most famous gay sex chats and I have played a lot with those famous aps. I got so many depressing experiences, frustrations, sometimes moments of real desperation seeing guys I was in love with who weren’t involved with me. At the beginning sometimes I behaved in a risky way almost to make a Russian roulette with death, then I happened to know that one of those with whom I had had unprotected sex was positive and I experienced moments of deep anguish and so I understood how a defiant behavior like mine was an idiot behavior and so I started having sex always in a safe way. Fear makes you more cautious than speeches and sermons I’ve never endured. In addition to ALWAYS having safe sex, I also learned other things: first of all, that you can only evaluate people by behavior and not by words. Those who talk too much from the first meeting and who use big words and excessive praise are the most devious and the most false, because they lie knowing they are lying, they tell you that they are in love with you and, after having sex with you, they disappear and you don’t hear them anymore. I looked for guys everywhere, especially when I was worse off, I like sex, but I also see something else in having sex, that is my affectivity, however frustrated and in a sense pathological, exists, and that’s why I felt bad when things didn’t work out. But I have often found, especially among those over 40 and even worse over 50, a total lack of affectivity. For them, hunting for guys was a kind of zero affectivity collecting, and they were also married men. But it is not a matter of age or categories because I also found sixty-year-olds who had sex with me but in another way, not as a boss but as a But it is not a matter of age or categories because I also found sixty-year-olds who had sex with me but in another way, not as a boss but as a friend of common sense, willing to step aside, without disappearing, when I fell in love with a peer. There is more competition between peers and with them I have experienced the worst disappointments, because they often see sex not as something that is done in two in private, but as something to flaunt with friends, a bit like what happens to heterosexual guys who brag about having seduced a nice pussy, it’s the same with gays. I look for a guy in order to be with him, certainly not to spend the evenings with his friends in clubs of various kinds. I have few friends and among my friends there are basically all my ex-boyfriends who have not disappeared. I no longer go to bed with these guys, or maybe just sometimes but very rarely, but I have a relationship with them, that is, we are friends, every now and then we meet, that is, in my life they are a real presence. Now slowly I’m starting to realize that sex, for me, is a way of expressing an emotional need, if there is not at least a little respect and a minimum of emotional contact I kick guys out, it has happened several times. I once went with a guy I liked to a motel, but he started behaving like a moron in such an irritating way that I got dressed and left, but he was convinced that I was in love with him and he wanted to be the boss! I generally like men, but not those who like me, this sentence I think I have read it somewhere in the forum, but I would say that it clarifies well what happens to me. By now I’m so used to the classic script of the gay seducer that as I see one who starts on those tones I send him soundly to the hell. On a human level, I only like those who speak clearly. If you just wanna have some sex just say it first, then if I like it and if there is no better I can also accept but without deluding myself, that is, just to do something. I can’t stand braggarts, those who show up with a nice car borrowed from someone else, those who think in terms of their wallet and want to feel like masters. Then there is a good percentage of obsessed people, of people who can only swear and blaspheme and are unable to put three words of common sense one after the other. You can understand what it means to sleep with someone like that, and it happened to me, you don’t send him to the hell just because you feel sorry for him. In short, Project, I made all kinds of experiences. I have even had sex with a guy in a wheelchair. I didn’t think I would succeed, I told him first that I was not in love with him but he said that he knew it and he wanted to do it anyway and we did it, he was a very smart guy, then he told me that for him it had been a very important thing, a way to feel truly accepted. Three years later we have remained friends. What I don’t tolerate is being treated like the whore on duty. If you want to have sex with me, if that’s okay with me, no problem, otherwise you go away, and moreover some married men want to have sex without a condom and I tell him: Look, I love your wife more than you! And they look at me weird and I tell them: Because I don’t put your wife at risk and I don’t even put myself at risk, of course, I’m not stupid and without a condom there is nothing to do. I can’t stand married men who look for gays as if to confess to cheating on their wives, because they need someone to encourage them to continue cheating on their wives and keeping a single foot in both shoes. I really put one of them in crisis, I told him: If you don’t feel like being with your wife, you must separate! But don’t cheat her, because that’s exactly what you’re doing! He was very bad and started to cry, probably it was his first betrayal, and I took him back to his house. Then there are the hypocrites who “after” having had sex with you, tell you that they didn’t want to but you in a way brought them to it in a slippery and insinuating way. I say: But, beautiful guy, no one forced you! People don’t want couple relationships, long-lasting things with the inevitable coexistence, no! Nobody likes long-term commitments. Sex, but without other things, without “other complications” as they say. I met one who considered himself a master of sex! Yes, you got it right, he thought he could teach others what sex is, but it was a laughing matter, It happened that I asked him questions about a lot of some absurd topics, pretending that I was in love with a girl, and he answered me that he had immediately understood that I was bisexual (I BISEXUAL? NEVER !!), I kept going on with such questions and he kept answering with big words and speeches, all in the language of a refined psychologist; but he didn’t even realize that I was making fun of him. Then I told him to show me something sexual “in concrete” and he immediately changed the subject and started saying that it was late and that he had to go. Another story even better, I broke the face of a man, we were in a motel and he wanted me to do something that I didn’t like at all. I told him: No! This no! And he first began to threaten me and I was already about to lose my self-control, then he tried to force me, because he was bigger than me. I kicked him in the testicles not too much violently but anyhow this must have hurt him quite badly and I would have beaten him badly but I didn’t because my phone rang, so I left him there. Perhaps the most slippery of all was a man who approached in a devious way, I suspect he was a priest, but objectively I don’t know, certainly he was not a gay at his first experience on dating sites. We did what we had to do and he behaved like a friend and I trusted him and introduced him to my friends. He told me that he was in love with me, then one of my ex asks me: But who is that man? Because, look, he’s hitting on everyone and says you’re a poor asshole who doesn’t understand shit. So the first night we went out with friends I confronted him directly in front of everyone and I said: Is it true that you are hitting on everyone? He thought it was a joke, but the others cornered him and made him feel like a piece ofshit! And they repeated in face of him all the slander he had said about me. In the end he said that we were a pack of dogs that jump at the first one who comes by, but afterwards he disappeared and never showed up again. In these situations, you understand that you have real friends. And now I come to the point, I think that one of my friends, an ex-boyfriend of mine, is really falling in love with me. He never jokes, he’s always on his own, he listens to me, smiles and doesn’t chat too much, sometimes I talk to him even an hour long and I feel at ease. He knows very well what kind of life I live and he doesn’t come forward with me, but anyway he respects me. In reality when we were together he had somehow a double role for me, a bit he was my boyfriend and a bit he was the brother I never had, there was complicity between us, then we broke up because I thought he wasn’t in love with me, but I probably wasn’t able to really understand such things at the time. I would get back with him but I don’t know if he would like to be with someone like me. What should I do, Project? I think I’ll speak clearly to it tonight. I talked to him! He wasn’t expecting it but he was visibly happy, he just said to me: I’d be very happy, but let’s see how it goes, but anyhow I will love you forever.

If you want, you can participate in the discussion on this post open on the Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-gays-and-sexual-moral–589

WHAT I LIKE AND WHAT I DISLIKE OF GAY SEX

Hi Project,

I had big fears before talking to you last night, then those fears have dissipated and I can only say that talking to you was really useful to put aside many unnecessary complexes. I had a very Catholic education, which I don’t consider totally negative, but which also created a lot of complexes about sexuality in me, and the fact that I’m gay has certainly not facilitated things. However, yesterday evening I had no problems, it’s true, but I still limited myself to very general speeches.

Today I would like to go into more specific issues on which I have no chance to compare myself with other guys and then, where I live, it would be not only difficult but also risky because homophobia is quite common here.

I can tell that I’m rather lucky because I attend university in a big city and I have my autonomy, at 22, almost 23, I have done my sexual experiences even if with very variable results. There are things that I don’t like at all, first of all the fact that dating a guy should only serve to have sex with him and then: goodbye, see you next time! It’s absurd to think of being with a guy just to have sex with him. I cannot stand the indecision, the fact that one depends on the decision of the other whether to have sex or not and the other pretends nothing, such an attitude seems hateful to me, sex should not be asked as a grace, but should come spontaneously, otherwise the relationship is not equal. But let’s go into the specific. I like guys who don’t make their partners pray them, who make the first step, who don’t play only in response, the ones who let understand that they are really involved.

Allow me to express myself freely, I don’t like guys who when they are getting ready to have sex (lowering their underpants) are not even in erection, if you don’t have it hard it means that you are not really sexually involved, if it is not my presence itself to make you get hard, what sense does it have to go on? Probably there are other people with whom you would react with a very quick and decisive hard-on, I say this because, if I’m really involved, I react immediately. I don’t like guys who are ashamed to be excited, guys who cover it with their hands, who want to turn off the light, who want to stay under the sheets. But what’s the point of having sex with a guy if I cannot even see him naked and excited? One told me that I’m a voyeur, but if I have sex with you and it’s okay with you, I don’t really understand what you have to be ashamed of.

Then there is the whole unmentionable series of complexes on the size of the penis, on the shape, on the length, on the thickness, on maintaining the erection, etc. etc., here maybe I can understand more the fears of so many guys and what you say, Project, it seems a bit simplistic. At least for me the fact that my partner is well endowed is not indifferent. I take my penis as a model, which is nothing special, but it suits me because I’m used to it. I like guys with a penis similar to mine, so to speak, normal size and straight.

I’ve never met guys with the penis curved in an accentuated way, but I found one with a narrow phimosis and he was a bit complexed by this thing, but I must say that, except for a little initial perplexity it did not create any problem, it reacted very well and in many ways (size and shape) was also well above normal standards and above mine in particular. With that guy I didn’t have any sexual problems of any kind, but the story is over because he went to live in Australia and I was very disappointed, because he was a very good and very intelligent guy. But let’s go on, I don’t like ritual, repetitive sex, sex made with a hard face, without smiling and without joking about what is being done.

Then there is a fundamental thing, even if I managed to achieve it only once, the sex must be safe, the risk must be reduced to zero, you do the test together before having sex, you wait the window period and repeat the test, if it came negative both times, then you can be much calmer and you can have sex without being devoured by doubts and concerns. If one does not want to do the double test, sex must be done only with condoms and there can be no discussion, certainly it is much less involving, but if you want to do it in a more involving way then you must adapt to the idea of the double test. But let’s go on.

During sex you have to talk at least a little, and avoid being always silent, A guy told me that before he met me he had been with another guy who told him that he had a ugly penis, here, I consider a thing of this kind hateful. Don’t you want to be with that guy? Okay, you can go somewhere else, but if you stay there you cannot despise the person you’re with. Among other things, the guy who was offended had a very normal and very reactive penis, when I told him it, he felt very gratified, because he didn’t expect it at all. I think that telling a guy that he has a nice penis is a compliment certainly very welcome, telling him that his penis is ugly is really offensive. There is a psychological attitude that I hate, and it is, after having sex with a guy, to say that you did it only for him but that you didn’t really care. So what have you been doing? A charity action? This is a reasoning of an unacceptable hypocrisy.

Another thing I don’t like at all is the lack of reciprocity, that is, the fact that when you did what you wanted to do, everything is over and goodbye, and your partner at most can masturbate on his own. Such a thing is terrible, I heard it but it never happened to me, I think I would have reacted badly. Another hateful thing is using for a guy a female term of endearment. If you want to be with a girl, go there, there are so many girls, there’s no reason to run after a gay guy. Another hateful question: to tell a guy how another guy has sex, especially if the two guys know each other. There is nothing more odious. Sex is done in two and is not told to others. Here I am talking about sex with Project who doesn’t know who I’m and certainly in telling some things I don’t write the name and surname of the people I’m talking about. Another thing that I cannot stand: attitudes of superiority, doing the part of the master of sex, of the guy who has understood everything and can teach others how to do it. People who take themselves too seriously only show off their stupidity. Another important thing: finished the sex, you don’t have immediately to say goodbye, you can have a coffee, a chocolate, go back to a dimension of ordinary life and then you say goodbye.

The spontaneous opportunities to have a little sex can be many, I think for example to take a shower together, which also has a playful meaning (and it happened to me), I think of laughing together. Project, one thing you said about sexual game impressed me: the game is a way to a less inhibited sexuality, it is true and I have experienced it directly.

And here there is the big chapter of sexual practices to be opened. Some may consider it strange but I love cuddles, and especially sexual cuddles, exchanging caresses even the intimate ones but without any specific sexual purpose, beyond sharing one’s intimacy, even physical, just like an exchange of emotional warmth. I really like the idea of falling asleep in the arms of my partner, I would say that this is one of the nicest things of gay sex, then there is mutual masturbation that I think everyone likes without exception and about oral sex the speech is more less the same, even if here there are problems related to the use of condoms, because here there is a risk and condoms should be used, even though many may consider them a completely unnatural and unpleasant thing, however, with the only guy who agreed to do the double test, we did it without a condom and it was very intimate and I would say very pleasant.

As for anal sex, I immediately say I’ve never done it but not only because it’s the most risky sexual practice, but because I’ve never had sexual fantasies of this kind. I thought I was a bit out of the norm for this, but I changed my mind. Out of the five guys I’ve been with, only one proposed to have anal sex and was disappointed when I told him no. With the others the topic was not even touched in the least, even when we had sex almost every day. Of course, common sense would like a couple to find its balance even in terms of sexual practices avoiding any attempt in this field to impose anything on those who don’t like it.

From everything I have written you can think that now I have no doubts and that I know how to behave on every occasion but it is not so. There is a guy I fell in love with and with whom I have never had the slightest contact I don’t say sexual but not even vaguely physical, I will call him Paul, well, I swear, Project, I have never felt so embarrassed as with him, I also desire him sexually, I would like everything of him, because I think he is a very good guy and I would like to spend all my life with him, if you didn’t understand, I am in love with him, like I have never been in love with anyone else, that’s why I never know what to do. I’ve come to a decision, next time I’ll tell him that I love him and when I hear him on the phone I feel happy, but I will not tell him that I also get a hard-on, because I’m afraid he might be scared, it seems stupid but it could also happen and I wouldn’t want to miss him for anything in the world.

I feel very shy, as if I was 14 years old and I was in my first story, but I’m probably in my most important story. My friends tell me that Paul is not beautiful and there is someone better and I should look around, but I spoke several times with Paul and I thought he was a great person, that one you can trust, the one that talks just a little (maybe I talk too much) but he does what he says. In short, Paul is not the beautiful doll to show to friends but he could be the real life partner. Tomorrow I will see him, Project, and I will make him my first declaration of love, I am very hesitant, but something tells me that everything will be fine. I will let you know.

B. G.

__________

If you want, you can participate in the discussion of this post open on the Gay Project Forum: 

http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-what-i-like-and-what-i-dislike-of-gay-sex

SPECIAL FRIENDSHIP AND GAY SEXUAL EXPERIENCES

This post is dedicated to the concept of “gay sexual experiences”. It is a concept that recurs frequently when chatting online with gay guys.

Gay sexual experiences can be considered in several ways:

1) As a kind of license to have attained the age of majority in gay sexuality on the basis of the theorem according to which masturbatory sexuality belongs to adolescents while couple’s sexual experiences are the passport to the adult sexual life.

2) As an exploration of sexuality conducted in couple.

3) As a sexual gradual approach to another guy to which there is already a real affective attraction but you don’t know his sexual orientation.

The point of view n. 1 assumes sexuality not as a contact between two people, but as an individual skill. Younger guys use expressions like “At my age, others have already done it,” guys about 25 years and beyond express themselves differently: “I still have not ever done it …”. Guys over thirties express themselves in a more melancholic way like “I do not want to miss the train” or worse, “if I don’t do it now I’ll never do anymore.”

Despite the differences in tone it’s evident, however, that these are people who give their sexual initiation a particular value in itself, regardless of who is the person with whom they will have their first experience. Basically there is an underestimation of the affective dimension and an overestimation of the sexual dimension.

In these situations the anxiety of the first time is not the anxiety that takes a guy who is having sex for the first time with a guy with whom he is in love, but just the anxiety to achieve as soon as possible that first experience, even with an unknown guy. People use the term ” weaning” to qualify what happens from the point of view of the guy who allows another guy to have his first sexual experience and “loss of virginity” to allude to that first experience so coveted and finally reached, without any too specific sexual reference.

Very often in such situations you end up being more or less satisfied or frustrated depending on the variety of sexual performances and on their correspondence to a model of gay sexuality derived from pornography. In this sense, expressions such as “we did not do everything” or “we had a full intercourse” hide the idea of sexuality as performance. The idea of being adult or realized through sex dominates, it’s typical idea of guys not yet fully mature in terms of affection, independently of the age.

The point of view n. 2 is already a condition of much more mature sexuality and is more or less genuinely satisfying according to how the dimension of being a couple is experienced in terms of affection.

In fact, each of the two guys who make up the couple may consider the other as a simple tool you need to fulfill sexual fantasies, and here I would say that the affective dimension is marginal, but the idea of sexual experiences as exploratory mode of couple’s sexuality can also be linked to a deep feeling of friendship and mutual respect or affection and also to a transport even more involving, that could be precisely an approach to affective true couple’s sexuality.

I would add that it is not unusual to experience sexual contacts born under genuine emotional relationships with the premise that “there is nothing binding” that slowly and almost imperceptibly consolidate, first for the establishment of a shared custom of sexual contacts and then for the establishment of more complex relationships in which affectivity and sexuality interact. In any case the point of view n. 2 starts with a couple where both guys have definite ideas about their behavior and can deal explicitly in a dimension of authentic sharing, but it is a condition that is not very common for gay guys.

The point of view n. 3 is probably the most common among hidden gay guys to whom a couple’s relationship or just a friendship that provides the opportunity to speak openly about gay sexuality is more a dream than a hypothesis. For these guys, and certainly not just for young guys but also for guys aged over thirty, the physical sexuality does not go beyond masturbation, at least for long periods. These guys live nevertheless their falling in love, even if in many cases the attraction is strictly one-sided. They fall in love with straight guys and more often with guys whom they consider only weakly straight and whose they do not know with certainty the sexual orientation.

It must be said that these particular friendships are much more common than people think and cannot be reduced to the category of gay-straight relationship because during the construction phase of friendship many selective mechanisms operate and the gay guy tends to automatically reject the hypothesis of creating a serious relationship with a guy strongly heterosexual or with a guy who does not offer an encouraging answer at the first attempts to get in contact.

The guy who does not feel gay, on the other hand, lives a close friendship with another guy only if in principle there are no closures to the deep emotional involvement that ties him to his friend. Basically, guys don’t enter by chance into these particular friendships. I must underline that I am referring to deep emotional relationships and very wanted by both sides. The guy who is not gay is anyway fully at ease within this relationship. The gay guy lives the friendship at two different levels, one of friendship and sharing that does not involve anything sexual neither explicitly nor implicitly and one unstated, dominated by sexual attraction.

In particular inside the friendship the gay guy sees the possibility of a love story and the relationship is experienced by him in a developmental dimension towards a sexually explicit story that is often destined to produce frustration. The gay guy lives that friendship in a way highly sexualized, he masturbates thinking about his friend, but he cannot talk about this with his friend. Apparently such a mechanism leads to a stalemate, but in reality things are sometimes different.

In some cases the evolution of the relationship towards forms of sexual friendship is a realistic assumption. As I have said elsewhere, sometimes the partner not explicitly gay of these friendships is a guy sexually confused, apparently straight but with a typically gay affectivity, in other words, is a guy with latent homosexuality; in other cases, is a guy who shows a partial bisexuality, but in most cases guys involved in such friendships are objectively straight guys, available and very open to forms of friendship that can seem, in behaviors, similar to homosexual ones. In all these cases the particular friendship may have not only a deep sense in the terms in which it manifests itself initially but can also present possible developments sometimes unforeseen and unpredictable because it can lead to the maturation process of awareness on the part of the guy who does not behave explicitly gay and it could push forward the boundaries of the relationship to include ways of doing things that are virtually impossible for any pair of straight friends.

A gay guy knowingly engaged in a friendship of this kind conceives sexuality only within that friendship for him sexual experiences are neither a source of pride nor a personal way of living forms of shared sexuality but are an attempt to involve his friend also from the sexual point of view, especially if the hypothesis seems accredited by various behavioral signals coming from the other guy.

If a guy loves another guy in an authentic way and is not aimed only to have sex with him, he tries to corresponds to the needs of the guy he loves, and does not attempt in any way to impose his own point of view or his own sexual categories. However, even when the loved guy appears genuinely straight, the gay guy starts anyway from the assumption that, under the appearances there is something gay. Adapt to the partner doesn’t mean, therefore, adapt to what he manifests of himself, which could result in a stalemate, but promote the growth and the emergence into the consciousness of the submerged part of the personality of the partner. The gay guy, driven by the idea of the latent homosexuality of his friend, cannot anyway stop to deal with him as if he actually was 100% hetero but will build in his mind a gradual path made of gay sexual experiences, more or less explicit, that could awake the homosexuality of his friend. It is usually a real therapeutic path toward homosexuality. In this way, if there is true love of the gay guy toward his partner, are taken for granted certain assumptions:

1) If my friend is really straight I will love him anyway.

2) The path based on sexual experiences is essentially aimed at the good of my friend, I shall be happy to share with him a sexual contact but the purpose is not primarily my sexuality but his.

3) There is no hurry and I have no essential targets, but I will adapt, anyway, to the time of my friend and to his true needs.

These assumptions combine a selfish dimension linked to the personal sexuality with an altruistic motivation of love which is to promote the sexuality of a friend.

The gradual sexual experiences that the gay guy tries to make and suggest derive from the assumption that in his friend there are forms of inhibition of sexuality and so the path will be governed by guiding principles like the followings :

a) Anything that creates or stabilizes inhibition should be avoided: the aggressive behaviors, the insistence, the tones that indicate disappointment or frustration.

b) You must ensure that the behaviors gradually more uninhibited arise spontaneously in a very relaxed way, on gaming and on non-sexual intimate moments.

c) You must avoid inappropriate steps or at the wrong times while the response to the verbal and nonverbal proposals coming from the friend must be immediate and accompanied by a smile.

d) You must show the maximum availability to the friend, both of time and affective response. Devote time to the partner is the greatest sign of attention.

e) The purpose is not to have a sexual relationship with a friend but to allow him to overcome blockages and inhibitions through a soft approach to gay sexuality.

f) When your partner takes a step forward in the size of the acceptance of gay sexuality it must be presented as perfectly normal, expected and obvious. When there is a refusal, a partial rejection or a referral to another time, it mustn’t be accepted as frustrating and the relationship must go on as if nothing had happened.

The path to acceptance of gay sexuality for some guys is long and for guys with latent homosexuality can end in nothing, I mean that unfortunately it usually doesn’t lead to the outcrop of the homosexuality at the conscious level. The path based on gay experiences progressively more explicit, to bring a guy with latent homosexuality towards awareness of his sexual orientation can stop immediately or can be very long and winding and often the dreamed results are not achieved at all. The awareness of this fact, is enough by itself to turn away from the idea to engage in this difficult path the guys who are not really in love, and this path sometimes very difficult and with an uncertain outcome remains the prerogative of the only guys who feel a real deep love interest to their friend. For these guys the true satisfaction is not to fulfill their personal sexual dream but to share with their friend a path, or a path segment, that seeks at least ideally a deeper life community.

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If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum:

http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/viewtopic.php?f=15&t=96

GAY GUYS, HOMOPHOBIA AND DATING SITES

This post will highlight the consequences on gay people of the social non-integration of homosexuality and of the widespread environmental homophobia in terms of loss of the affective dimension of sexuality, of increasing transgressive meaning of sexuality and of spread of AIDS risk.

In front of many suicides of gay teens  around the world who came to the headlines of the newspapers (many are deliberately hidden because of a choice of families), in front of those who lost their lives because of homophobic hatred, in the front of the frequent and marked incitement to discrimination and hatred operated by religious circles, people who have a sense of morality cannot remain indifferent. The homophobic and discriminatory attitudes receive daily incredible legitimations. Fortunately, in many states the civilization of the law is an obstacle to homophobic hatred and a boost to the integration of homosexuals, but it is undeniable that even in the twenty-first century, even in countries where homosexuality is not considered a crime, and even where the rights have been extended to gay marriage and adoption policies, there is, however, at the social level, a form of silent but powerful discrimination that acts on gay people from an early age and accustoms them to the exclusion, as if the exclusion was their inevitable destiny.

What are the consequences of all this?

When a teenager realizes that his affection and sexuality are deeply and often violently discriminated by both the family and the social environment, many reactions are possible: the tendency to self-repression and depression, the attitudes of rebellion and challenge to the family and society. In any case, beyond the external reactions, a search activity for discussion and dialogue is set in motion that cannot find a serious answer either in families or in schools or in the religious, social or recreational activities. And it is precisely at this point that are involved other tools available today that have changed the prospects of gay guys from ten years now, I talk about the internet and what guys can find on the internet, not only in terms of comparison and dialog but also the terms of easy sexual offer, that is, dating sites and video-chats.

There are sites on the net dedicated to an extremely serious information and comparison among gay people but it must be said that these sites are a little minority among services offered by the web and the audience of these sites is definitely very little. The vast majority of sites labeled gay consists of pornography, dating sites and video-chats.

Whatever for a straight guy belongs to a normal emotional and sexual life, that may be experienced under the eyes of everyone, including family, like falling in love, exchanging tenderness with his partner, speaking openly about his feelings, for a gay guy is on the contrary either impossible or extremely complicated. A gay guy has serious difficulties in declaring his love to another guy, he cannot talk to friends or family and if he gets to have a guy, with very few exceptions, keeps him far away from the family.

If a gay guy is not allowed to be realized in his family and social environment, inevitably tends to achieve his realization through different ways, and here the easy way is also the most dangerous, I’m talking about dating sites and sex chats.

The huge number of users of the erotic chats and dating sites should make us reflect. These sites are the answer, and often the only answer, even if dysfunctional, to the real affective and sexual needs that can neither be ignored nor suppressed. If for a guy it becomes impossible to live a normal sexual and emotional life openly, with the knowledge and acceptance of family and society, it is inevitable that the guy looks elsewhere for the realization of his expectations, which are anyway the normal expectations of any guy but that appear deviant and pathological because are related to another guy instead to a girl. Trying to curb and suppress a real need and prevent its development according to the normal channels automatically means encourage the development of alternative channels through which the need could find an answer. It happens a bit as in the “prohibition”: banning the use of alcohol in the common places of sale and consumption means promoting other distribution channels.

DATING SITES

The dating sites have been created to provide easy sex encounters to users, this applies to heterosexual and is even more true for gays: “if in everyday life it is almost impossible to find a gay guy, or better, to choose one, taking for granted that he is also sexually available without any complications, the dating site solves the problem for you”, you can see the profiles of the guys, more or less explicit photos that they have entered, you can upload your photos on the site and above all, in practice, you are sure to find many and quick answers from which to choose your ideal partner. A gay man is led to believe that nothing is possible in everyday life instead everything becomes real through the dating site. In practice, the dating site is seen as the unique and irreplaceable tool for the creation not only of a sexual contact but for the realization of all emotional life. The dating site looks like the response to a deep emotional need that does not find any answers elsewhere and is loaded, because of this, with a lot of fundamental affective expectations.

The dating sites are becoming, year after year, accepted as “normal” in the life of a gay guy and this is due precisely to the social rejection of homosexuality just because the “prohibition” facilitates the creation of alternative channels to live however the emotional and sexual life.

APPROACH PHASE

Before registering on a dating site a guy lives contributing moments of uncertainty and fluctuation between the temptation and the resizing of the emotional expectations. In front of people who have strong concerns over the use of these sites, classical answers are indicative: “You are biased!” “I know that many clever guys have registered.” “But they are not all mad for sex.” “I have nothing against these sites but I didn’t register and I think I will not,” In general, a sentence like this last comes shortly before the registration.

NARCISSISM

When a guy walks into a dating site he is usually very favorably impressed by the fact that he can find a lot young people in the site, many of which are also in his area and then are actually contactable. To publish your photos on a dating site, especially if it is a site for gays, involves a certain risk of being labeled, but this risk is easily put aside due to a narcissistic impulse. In general gay guys, even if they are objectively very beautiful, are convinced that they didn’t find a boyfriend because they are physically not up to the task, the dating site offers an answer to these guys. The publication of personal photos followed by a rain of contacts, is something that rewards appropriately the narcissistic dimension: “If there are so many guys who are looking for me I am not so bad!”

SEXUAL PROMISCUITY

Usually when a guy gets a lot of contacts on a dating site, he is brought to consider them as he considered an affective request received in ordinary life. The high number of contacts received induces to overlook the fact that guys who have left us their contact did exactly the same with many other guys and that contacts are just in order to get easy sexual exchanges without commitment. The most serious risk of the dating sites is the HIV risk, i.e. the risk of being infected with the AIDS virus but there is a risk of sexual transmission for many serious diseases such as viral hepatitis, herpes virus and the human papilloma virus. Sexual promiscuity is the first risk factor in sexually transmitted diseases. It’s amazing how guys who have about other topics, a highly efficient rationality end up putting everything aside coming to talk about “risk acceptance” or to underestimate the risk based on the assumption that the condom is a sufficient guarantee. Often the level of superficiality is such that they are content with general statements of the other in relation to his health: “He said that he’s fine and that he gets tested for HIV every six months.” I note in passing that a guy who frequents dating sites and gets tested for HIV every six months is probably concerned that he’s likely to be HIV positive. As a result of the decrease in anti-AIDS campaigns it is also common to see the underestimation of AIDS itself and the belief that “now it is a disease that can be overcome with the right treatment.”

DEPRESSIVE PHASE AND DEPENDENCE

After the first sexual encounters, the guys begin to notice that their first partners disappear and that no loving relationship can be created. All this is sometimes seen as an “experiment” waiting finally for the guy with whom you can build a real relationship, and sometimes and more frequently as an inescapable reality that proves that it’s impossible for a gay man to build long-term relationship with another man as a couple. Month after month, the feeling that it is just a sexual game that distracts from the necessary commitments such as study and work prevails, and this feeling triggers a mechanism of addiction, quite similar to the one that creates the drug dependency, i. e. alternating phases in which guys intend to unsubscribe from the dating sites and delete all the contacts of the people they had met in that environment and phases in which the depressive response to the emptiness, due to the abandonment of dating sites, quickly takes over and leads back to the sites to look for new contacts. Generally, we can say that addiction has already been established when the intention to abandon the site is not followed by the actual deletion of the contacts.

CONSOLIDATION OF DEPENDENCE

When the dependency is consolidated over the years, you end up accepting it as irreversible and to assume that “it had to go this way.” In reality, these guys, now grown men, were deprived of their emotions and they threw it away themselves to look for a simple solution to their problems. In this way, homosexuality, which in itself is a way of loving, becomes a degraded exercise of sexuality without emotions and inevitably leads to a sense of deep solitude, which doesn’t depend at all on being gay, because there are many gay guys who realized their dreams, but depends on having spent many years in a sort of true addiction. The drug dependency does not bring happiness but only the momentary illusion of being happy at the cost of becoming dependent; in the same way dating sites do not fulfill and cannot fulfill at all the dreams of love of a gay guy because they have been created for another purpose and also lead to addictions. The responsibility of this belongs to the guys who are looking for a chance to be themselves in a hostile world? Belongs to those who take advantage of the naivety and the problems of others in order to obtain an economic profit managing dating sites? Or belongs to those who allow all this fueling homophobia and the marginalization of gay guys and in fact helping, with their discriminatory self-righteousness, the growth of dating sites and the expansion of sexually transmitted diseases, which are inevitably associated with these new social uses? To you the answer.

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If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum:

http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/viewtopic.php?f=16&t=87

HOMOSEXUAL EXPERIENCES FROM GAY AND STRAIGHT POINT OF VIEW

Hello Project,
I am a 22 y. o. guy, and even at my age, I have serious doubts about my sexuality. I feel emotionally led to the girls, I fall in love with girls, I’m fine with girls and sometimes I even had sex with girls, although relationships were little exciting for me, but I still cannot masturbate thinking about a girl. I tried several times but it is as if there was some sort of resistance, on the contrary when I had sex with a girl it somehow worked. I also tried with hetero porn but even there I do not feel any real involvement. I masturbate only thinking about guys or, rarely, watching gay porn. The fantasies of masturbation are almost all related to two incidents that I think have deeply affected my sex life. The first incident happened when I was 15 y. o. and the second when I was almost 19. Up to 15 years I had always thought to be straight and I masturbated thinking about girls, without much enthusiasm to tell the truth, but really only about girls. When I was 15, during a trip organized by the school, I found myself in a room with another guy, there weren’t as usually two separate beds but only a double bed. At first it seemed a bit strange to me, but I had slept a few other times with my mates in similar situations. When we went to bed we started to talk about sexual matters and tell each other everything, even the fact that we masturbated thinking about girls. Then, I asked him if, when he did it, he used to think only about girls and he told me that sometimes he thought about some guy, it seemed strange to him but he had thought also about guys and after all he told it would be a pleasant thing, not like with girls, but it would be nice anyway. I did not expect an answer like that, so direct and honest. Then he asked me if I thought only about girls and I did not have the heart to lie and I told him that when I masturbated I used to think only about girls but that, for me, thinking about sex with a guy was not something disgusting as many young guys say and that, indeed, what he had just told me did not seem so strange to me. I asked him whether he was gay and he said that he felt fully straight but he thought that so many straight guys do sometimes sex with their friends, even just to play. I said, “Well, yes, I think that happens.” Then I asked him if he was excited to stay in bed with me and he said yes, and I asked if I could check, he said: Go! And I picked his c..k up. Then he asked if I was excited and I told him that I was as well, and at this point he picked up mine. It turned out that we masturbated each other. Then it did not happen anything similar even if I wanted to violently, he continued to be with his girlfriend and we never again talked about, between us nothing changed. But for me, everything had changed because what had happened had been a very strong and quite a natural experience, without being forced from either side. After that day, I put aside fantasies about girls and I started to masturbate only remembering that night. But it was not all so easy, I was convinced I was gay and I cursed that night because if it had not happened I would have been a normal straight guy and had a life like that of all the other guys. And instead that night had changed my life. Two things made me feel bad, first of all I did not accept that my life could be so violently impressed by something like that and then I did not understand why the life of the guy with whom I had done such things instead was not changed at all. Why had I to be gay because of something like that and that guy was not? I have done everything to find a girl to love, then, finally, at 17, it happened. I knew a beautiful girl who fell in love with me, cuddled me and inspired me so much tenderness, she devoted herself to me with affection and I at the end, when I had just turned 18, had sex with her for the first time in the sense that we touched each other and then we came to masturbate each other. I was excited and I thought that I was not gay, then I came home but I felt strange, That evening I didn’t want to masturbate recalling the usual night with that guy, I wanted to do it thinking about my girl and I tried in every way, but couldn’t even maintain my erection, I felt dazed, then went back to the usual fantasies and so I came to the end. I told myself that things could not go this way, now I had a girlfriend and I had to delete all of masturbation because it was only a thing to kids and now I had to live an adult sexuality. With the best effort I could I put aside the solitary masturbation and limited myself to be masturbated by my girlfriend, then after a month I for once masturbated alone always thinking about that night. Things went on like that for a few months and I did everything I could to completely erase the memory of that damn night, then something new and unexpected happened, I know a wonderful guy and I’m fascinated though I try to avoid him because I do not want to be gay, then I start to look for information on this guy to get an idea a little more complete. I am told that he hasn’t a girlfriend and has never had but he never even had strange behavior. After resisting for a while I began to masturbate thinking about this guy and started to give him a court ruthless but fair, and he realizes it. One day I invited him for a weekend of camping and he accepts. The night we talk in the tent, the embarrassment is very strong, then I say that “maybe” I took half a crush on him, that is, in fact, I say only that he is a beautiful guy and I like him a lot then I ask him if he’s gay, he says he’s straight and has a girlfriend, who is now away for a semester because she is studying in another city, then he asks me if I’m gay and I say that I have a girlfriend, he replies: “… I think my life I will be with my girlfriend … well even I like you … but of course we are a bit strange the two of us …” then things went on and we ended up masturbating each other. In the end he concludes: “Of course a girl would never be able to do that as well a guy does…” And so it all ends. I think he is gay and in the following days I begin to pester him and he tells me that it happened but that he is not gay and that does not feel right to go forward, then he almost begins to escape me, not to be longer found, not to answer the phone and I fell very disappointed. Of course with my girlfriend all went wrong. Now I’m alone to lick my wounds. I just cannot understand how that experience, when I was 15, may have upset so my life. Why should I be gay for a so absurd reason? Even now I want a girl, but then, at sexual level, I realize that now for me it’s impossible to live a satisfactory sexuality with a girl. What do you think Project?

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If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/viewtopic.php?f=9&t=11