No clouds, no fog, no raining, it’s a very lovely day, sun, light, warmth, everything good. No many people in the sidewalk, no hurry, no crowd, no traffic. It’s a fantastic Sunday morning, near campus just few boys scattered on the big green lawn, some of them stretching, others jogging, someone just hanging around or chatting with some friends. It’s very good living over here for a boy my age, just a freshman out of school, with so many ideas to follow, searching for nothing else than to live his own life. Well! The life, my own life… easy to say, very difficult to do, my life nevermore will be a family boy life, now I’m in a new city, my parents, brothers, sisters, cousins and also friends, or if you like better boys that had to attend the same school I went to, are very far from me, not only physically but also, and I would like better say above all, psychologically.
I’m, so to say, a new boy, no more school, college is different, no loneliness, no sadness, only new goals to achieve, new chances to get and perhaps new friends to get in touch. I would have rent a flat but I haven’t any money, my parents only allowed me to stay in a dorm near the university, but it wasn’t for greed, truly they don’t have money. Therefore, I’m not disappointed of that, it’s obvious, not against me but, if you like, to give me a possibility, the only possibility, to get out of my family in order to try a better chance. Now I’m alone, that’s right, but for the first time in my life I’m a free boy, I’ll have to deal with so many new things, but I would also feel the eager sensation of freedom, no control, no get back at that time, no being called for this and that, no obligations, no rules, only a new world to experiment, full of hope, of happiness, I think, perhaps also of dangers and so many other things I still don’t know at all.
I only have to go to the dorm, get some information, put down my luggage, check my room, my new room, my only room, because I didn’t have any room before, then would put my clothes on the shelves, take a shower, go walking here and there, and wait, wait for tomorrow for lessons to start, for my new life to start.
I just got to the dorm office, a secretary gives me a form to fill, name, phone number and so on, I fill it with care then give it to the secretary, she prints a second form with the rules of the dorm then gives me it and a rigid plastic ticket with my name printed on and also the keys of the room, she didn’t tell me anything about roommates or no roommates and I didn‘t ask her. I’d liked better a single room? I don’t think so, I’d liked better to have a roommate in order to chat with, to have a fun time, to speak about so many things. I’d liked better catch the lift but the lift is out of service and I have time and stress to spend to get to my room on the ninth floor. I’m sweaty, my heart is pounding fast, but now I’m finally on the ninth floor. Room 987… where is it? No, not over here, perhaps over there, no, neither… what a big building! Terrible! Nobody in the corridor never in the hall, never in the services, nobody at all… it’s Sunday… well… yes… it’s Sunday, perhaps I would stay alone all day long… that’s not a good thing… Oh! Finally! 987… my room… the key, the key, the key… where is it? In the pocket… in the bag… no… goddamn where are you shit of a key! Finally! … That’s not so bad… two beds, no luggage, good! Good panorama… I can see ten miles long… just a little windy, too much sunny, perhaps too much light… but better so… and… no bathroom? No… no bathroom… that’s not so good… no, no… but as usually I have to stay quiet, as usually there’s nothing to do. No flat, only a room, a two-bed room in the dorm… that’s perfect… no money… much more stress. It would have been good to stay in a big flat with a king bed, with a kitchen, with a … with a bathroom… no, other things are not necessary but the bathroom… take a shower with no worry about too much warm water to be wasted… use a big bath tube like the ancient Romans, stay in the bathroom for hours, in the warmth, in the steam… but stop dreaming! I’m here with no lift, no roommate, no bathroom… that’s the beginning of my new life… very awful beginning… I hope it would be better tomorrow… now cloths in the closet, right, shoes near the bed… witch bed? This or that? This would be better, from here I could dominate everything in the room, my roommate would be in full light, I could se him and he couldn’t see me… no, he could see me also… no, better the other bed… from there… no… better the first one… yes, yes, better the first one… and witch closet? There is a key on this one, no key over there, but this one is near the other bed… I have to change them, yes, I have to set this one over there and that one over here… It will not be a big weight… no, it’s easy, not so difficult… well now it’s better, and I have to put everything in my, very my, closet, and use a key… and he has to use the other closet with no key and perhaps I can inspect everything, his clothes, his books, letters, no privacy for him, everything in sight… good, good, good! What have I to do with a key? I’ll keep it? I’ll hide it? And where? Out of the window? No, very strange site… under the mattress? Very obvious… Perhaps it could stay over there… or not? Better keep, yes… better keep! And now? … goddamn! Nothing to do… get downstairs, go for a walk… or stay waiting for my roommate? Big problem to deal with… Downstairs, that’s right… no lift but I can’t stay here waiting for someone who could exist or not… downstairs!
Got out of the room pushed the button for the elevator… and the lift was working. Good, good, good! … Things are going to turn well!
I just arrived on the ground floor and I saw someone in the big hall, two guys in particular, talking about lessons, professors, they seamed very polite, gentle, not like many college boys. I’m astonished students are like that? No… at list usually not… strange, very strange… with boys like that it’s impossible to fooling around… they are so perfect and also so out of touch… it would be very difficult to get in touch with them… Mark, Mark, … you could have chosen a better place, too much pride here, no friendship… keep patient… perhaps it’s only the surface, the academic year didn’t start yet… tomorrow, tomorrow… better get out of here better the fresh air, better … and now, where will I go for dinner? … From Monday till Saturday it’s possible to have a dinner in the dorm cafeteria, a fast dinner with all the students, but Sunday no cafeteria service, Sunday you have to go to the restaurant or simply have a sandwich… people who have money go to the restaurant… other people like me… obviously… have only a sandwich… in order to save money, you know, that’s very difficult for a poor family guy to study, college was and is still now only upper class school… I have to stop thinking… here in America no money no future! That’s the simplest equation; there is no way to escape… that’s regular… like I was born like I have to die. Sunday morning, a shining morning, good! Very good!… Go to a sneak bar, to Mc’ Donald’s? I don’t know, it’s only 9.10 I’ll have to wait till lunch time… or better go to the supermarket just buy something to eat, save money and then go back to the dorm, I would bring there something to eat… perhaps I could find my roommate if there is one… Probably he will arrive in the evening, in late evening in order to save vacation time, but he could also arrive tomorrow morning, it would be even better… clearly for him… but I could also go back to the dorm straight now and take a shower, a shower with nobody around, it would not be like what I was dreaming about but at list it would be a shower… and after… newly to wait, to do nothing till tomorrow morning… no, the shower can wait… better go downtown… but this is not a big city, just schools, hospitals, but not for sick people, only hospitals for students, … There are also good trees over here, trimmed like my head… we are going to the cold season… o my God! … I’m very silly, no… very stupid… worst, I’m only a peace of shit … boys, be careful not to tread on me! … Boys like the two I just saw at the dorm, sure, don’t love to be in the shit! They are polite, the are gentlemen… I’d better to keep out, better nothing than being kicked out by boys like that… I’m complaining that I have no money … I’m pathetic! They have money! Just this! I’ve not… that’s all… simple, very simple… I’m a shit, they are shoes… they go to the restaurant, they arrive late, just in time for bed… and they are those who live in the dorm, I can imagine how are those who live in rented flats or better in big houses, with gardens, big cars, much money, a lot of chicken… and so on… For them I’d be less than shit or rubbish… Upper class boys… Horrible! … And also neither a water fountain, I’m thirsty… and I can’t find any fountain to drink… I would have to buy the water… not a mineral water, simply the natural one… everything to bay, if you have money, no problem, if you have not you mast die thirsty… simply, regular, nothing strange! I could drink the rain water but it’s sunny and I have no time to wait for the rain … I could drink the toilet water, not that from the sink but exactly that from the john… I’m a shit… isn’t it? No worry! I’ll go to the supermarket straight now… if it’s open, if not, I’ll go back to the dorm… and if there is someone like the two boys I just saw… I could kill them… the shoes that crushes the shit! I’m perverted, mentally perverted… no… I’m just a lower class boy that has to wait till tomorrow morning with just a little money… little money little respect, little … just everything is little for me… a little peace of shit… gals like money, gals don’t like guys, they like money, restaurants and so on… and guys don’t like gals, they like good food, to be served like a boss, they don’t like parents or grandparents they only like inheritances, houses, cars, power, money… they, they, they… yes, and what do I like? … No… better to stay quiet… I like something and like it very well, but it’s better to stay quiet… And my roommate? Fat, noisy, worst nosy, and also smelling bad, sure he’ll be like that, another peace of shit, at list we’ll be just two… upper class society “Shit & Shit Company”… better nobody than a roommate like that, or worst like the two I just saw. Goddamn! Closed! … I’m very lucky, no water, no food, nothing at all… restaurants, yes too many restaurants and very crowded too… but no money no restaurant! Everything is for upper class guys, noting for me, just fresh air, just go walking up and down, down and up with no food no water, no money! Always the same… nothing to do… better go and take a shower, it’s already paid, I already paid money for the dorm, for the shower, for the… My roommate, if there is one, could also not have much money… that sounds better, lower class society “Deprived & Wretch Company”… it’s 11.00 I go to take my shower… Nobody, like last time… good! The lift works! 180 stairs saved! Nobody neither in the ninth floor… nobody till the room 987… and now the most important question… did he arrive yet my roommate? … one, two, three… open! No! Nobody neither here… well… better get a shower… what will I do? Get over there clothed and disrobe in the locker room or go in my bath suit? … No! I have to change in the changing room, if there is one… the soap… the necessary to brush the teeth , to comb, to shave… that’s all, better I go… everything is quite… good facilities, big, well cleaned, but over all very big, big shower space with twelve heads… twelve! Strange! But how many guys live here? There are one hundred rooms in each floor… one hundred! Twelve heads for about one hundred guys, it will be impossible to take a shower in the morning… perhaps they would be less than one hundred, perhaps fifty o forty or even less… I don’t know… now I have to take my shower… Good locker room too! Very good lockers! Big… but a key? I don’t have my key, probably I had to get it at the secretary office… I’d better go right now and get back as soon as possible, I’ll leave everything this way, I think nobody will pick up my shirt or my soap… The lift runs, good… the secretary… no! She isn’t in the office… “closed for dinner till 14.00”… Also secretaries have to eat, there is only one who don’t have to eat, he as to get a shower but till 14.00 not locker keys… another time to the lift, another time to the showers… good, clothes on the bench and hope nobody would steal it, it would be awful get out of the shower and find that clothes have been stolen… no! No problem… no one in sight… to change is very easy now but tomorrow, in the morning, in the crowd… let get to the showers… well, warm water, a lot of worm water, not like at home… shower at home was a trouble, my father firs, then Jason, then Betty, then my mother, then Ben, I was the last one, cool water, dirty stall, five minute shower and that was all, here it’s different, a lot of worm water, I wouldn’t stop showering no more, it feels good, very good… but I have to get out, I have to shave, to comb, to dress, and then to go back at my room, the 987 room… and wait till the late evening… but if in the Sunday, every Sunday, things will go on like that I’d like better get back home… but it’s impossible because of the money, but I have to be used in such a thing, I have to buy something to eat, something to drink, because I think it’s not so hygienic to drink the water of the showers… Perhaps today things go like that because the academic year didn’t start yet, perhaps usually it would be possible to survive also in the Sundays, some student would stay to study without noise and keeping concentration… now the shave, at the sink, looking at the mirror… warm water, a lot of worm water like in the shower… and now to comb… now I’m ready… but ready what for? For nothing at all, for waiting, for resting, for annoying, for getting mad… I can’t stand this absolute silence, when I got the train to get here I couldn’t stand the noise, now I can’t stand the silence, this absurd silence in a dorm for one thousand guys, I’m the only one so stupid to get here when everybody is still home… I’m very stupid, dad was right when he used to say so, perhaps he was joking but he was right … Enough! Enough! What I’ll do till tomorrow morning? Well it’s better to go to bed… but I don’t wont to go to sleep in such a sunny afternoon, no, I’ll go back in the park, I’d like to find a dog, just a dog to stroke, to look at, right in the eyes… but dogs don’t like guys, dogs like hotdogs, ham, foods… , so to say, dogs are human…
Dogs like humans… what does it mean? That the dogs love humans or that they are very similar to humans… English is a strange language… I’m bored… in order to go to the cinema you need money, so much time to waste, what time? 3.15 p.m. … It’s better I go to seat on a park bench… lower class guy’s meditation! Perhaps I need a psychoanalyst … no… it’s too expensive upper class staff… I need only money… that’s all… yes, I need money so I would have to do some work somewhere, bars, stores, even restaurants… so I could say I go to the restaurant everyday, it would sound good… and I could catch also some food with no money… good deal!
Very good! Or I could became a personal trainer in a gym or in a fitness center… perhaps also a chicken trainer… I’d like better guys trainer... but I could accept also to become a chicken trainer ... yes, not so bad... but perhaps it could be old chicken trainer that sound’s worst, I could earn a little money and also use the gym to work out… I like very well to keep in shape… the gym would be the better solution… personal trainer in a gym… but I’m not a six pack, I’m not an hunk, I’m not well tanned … physically too I’m just a peace of shit… I’d go to a gym, introduce myself and they would remain to listen to me, perhaps they think I’m a customer ready to pay in order to be trained… but when they understand I’m non a customer but a poor guy searching for a job… yes, obviously they would kick me out, no matter hunk or nor, if you aren’t a customer you have to be kicked out. Other jobs? Which ones? Lifeguard… impossible, no sea nearby, pizza delivery boy… no Italian food here, I’d better steal… but I never tried, I’d ask someone: - Please have you something to steal? - And he would respond: - Are you rich? Because I can’t absolutely stand to be stolen by a poor one…rich people are allowed to steal, you know, they are so pleasant, so polite… are you a rich? – I would respond no and he would kick me out… A big house is much than a big intelligence and much more than the reputation of being an honest man that perhaps could be really a big obstacle. I’m an honest person …that means a stupid, never steal, never swindle people, never cheat… therefore no flat, non car… no chicken... that’s not a big problem for me... but also no boyfriends... or just a little, stupid boys like me, Lisa was going to fall in love, we walked hand in hand and we kissed so many times... something very strange for me but I did just as I was interested... but she never went where I lived, I didn’t want her to know where I lived… but really happened what never wouldn’t have happened, she got downtown and forced me to let her give me a lift where I lived. She was very delightful, that day she told me something sweet and went away pretending to go to her crank aunt but then she abruptly disappeared and I nevermore saw her. She wasn’t so stupid ad the end… My love story end: I love you, without you I’m lost, money is nothing for me, you have to trust me… but now I have something better to do, bye-bye! This is the love! Love of what? … And upper class friends where not so different, they liked me just till discovered what I really was… Lower class friends where different but they liked better to get in touch with people of more high social level, I was their second choice… they always pretended not to be what they really where, without pretending to be rich it was impossible to be accepted by upper class guys… in my town there was only one school that’s why everybody had to go to that school, in another town nearby the schools where two: upper and lower class school… that’s a regular education: boys have to know if they are clever or lazy, if they have to go to college or to stay unemployed all life long and it depends on whether or not they are rich. … What time is it now? I have to walk till 17.00 but at 17.00 I’ll go back to the dorm. Now 16.30, thirty minutes to spend in something better than thinking about such stupid things… there is much more people around than before, students with bags, taxis, a little traffic, I’d better get back to the dorm right now, stand up and go… the parking in front of the dorm is crowded, singles, couples, threesomes, chatting, carrying luggage, well dressed, no t-shirt and jeans, only blue suit, ties, well pressed trousers and jackets, shining shoes… shoes to tread on a peace of shit… upper class
students, they sure have someone that polishes their shoes that’s why they don’t care to soil their shoes of shit… Mark, stay quiet, now you are going to a big deal, now you must demonstrate all your courage and must accustom yourself to tolerate everything pretending of being like them… but in a place like this, where there is much people, must you greet everybody? How many guys! I would have to wait for the lift but there are too many boys over there, it’s better I go upstairs on foot… goddamn! Keep quiet! The worst is just coming! Guys like that often play the usual cat and mouse game in order to catch some lower class guy to have fun with, to pants in front of some gals. Guys have never to relax, they have to pay attention, stay wide awake not to be pantsed… but only if they are lower class, on the contrary if they are upper class the hunting is mandatory, they have to remark who is up and who is down, who can and who can’t do this or that: class has its duties! Reach people are open minded, they have no limits, whatever they like is possible, but they are always nice guys, crew cut, they wear ties even in the shower, their shit has scent of flowers, they always smile even when they are going to kill you, they aren’t sincere neither with themselves, but they are polite, urban, they will never tell you that you are rubbish or shit, they only think so, but never would say. … Goddamn there is a strip of light under the door! My roommate just arrived… well… go ahead!
- Good evening… I’ Mark, I think we’ll be roommates…
- Good… I’m Robert but friends call me Rob…
- Hello Rob…
- I come from Cleveland, where do you come from?
- Just from a little town that’s no more in the road maps, because its too little… only farms, scattered in the land.
- But this little town has a name?
- They call it four oaks and that’s all…
- And you… what do you study?
- English literature… and you?
- Economics… my father forced me to study economics, otherwise the tap would have been turned out… no economics no money… that’s why I’m here, I’m a sophomore, and you?
- I’m just a freshman…
- Very very interesting… be careful, freshmen are not allowed everywhere and you must hold more ancient students like me in high regard, that’s mandatory for a freshman… and where are you going for supper? I’ll go with some friends to have a pizza… if you like…
- Sorry, I have already reserved with a group of friends it will be for another time and I’m late….
- Ok, what time do you get back?
- About 11.00 any you?
- Never before two in the morning… that’s my last night of freedom…
- You’re right… I’m going, bye!
- Bye Mark and be careful… freshmen must undergo something awful… bye bye!
Goddamn… and now to get back I must wait for him to get out… he has to go to have a pizza with his friends… I told him I have reserved to the restaurant... reserved? I’m starved... but no money no restaurant! ... I would have killed him… keep careful about pantsing… you are a freshman but I’m a sophomore… I come from Cleveland… my father forced me to economics… no economics no money… Wow now I have only to wait… but … strange… before getting out I cast a glance at my closet but there wasn’t any key…neither in the other closet, keys have disappeared, I must go back for another glance… that’s strange, very strange, he didn’t even mention keys… but there wasn’t any key in my closet… I’m Robert, but friends call me Rob, like saying I’m William, but friends call me will, in the baby meaning, or like willy-nilly… but no, he’s only Robert, Robert the strong, lion-hearted Robert… and I’m Mark the rabbit, shit-Mark… but I have to inspect everything not to decide abruptly… we have to play cards, yes, but I have to shuffle them before dealing them out… Mark the rabbit will not be so stupid… be careful boy! ... something strange is going to happen… well, time to go back to the dorm, not so much crowd at this moment… good! No light strip under the door… good… no key… but my closet is closed! … closed… no doubt… and the other closet… this one is opened and all my clothes are within it … what a disorder! ... he has taken everything out and has thrown it on the shelves without respect, t-shirts, briefs, socks, soap... everything… I cannot tolerate such things…he must learn to respect people…but I’ve to be careful… what to do? Put a chewing gum in the lock of the closet? To carry his closet to another room and to put to its place an empty closet? I have to choose something not so strange so that I can pretend to be completely innocent… better I have to go back to dorm after he went back, so it will turn out obviously that I’m not at all interested in the matter. But there’s a thing I can’t understand… how was he able to open my closet that was locked? Because he effectively opened it otherwise he couldn’t have pulled outside all my clothes… the closet was locked and he opened it with a false key or something similar… nothing stolen… it is true, my lovely buddy does not have stolen anything but there was nothing to steal, but he forced effectively the closet without even mention it… very good buddy!… very upper class guy! I’d better to kill him… no! Too much work! I’ll kill him later, now I’d like to do something better, but I have first to open his closet, to force his closet, but I have to revenge because revenge is sweet! With one of these bag clasps it would be possible, I’ve just to fold it just a little… good! Opened!… And now it’s time to have a look… well… perfume, after shave, shampoo, some book… socks, boxers very high class style... condoms, trousers, t-shirts, bath suit and what’s this? Pills? Medicine? No box, just a small bottle, no label but the shape is strange, I already saw pills like that, now I remember, are Viagra tablets! … Viagra at nineteen? Poor guy! He needs no punishment… the upper class guy! How can he be so stupid... Certainly he comes from another world... and I was searching for a boyfriend... We met one hour ago and I can’t stand him... very good starting... College is really very different from gay stories... very different... I must replace every thing to its place and go to bed, I must pull aggressiveness apart, just reset everything, like that, and now bed time, I must go to sleep without eating… I’m not an upper glass guy! ... this evening ended, now I must only think about tomorrow morning, tomorrow the academic year begins, tomorrow no more personal problems, enough with upper class and low class, from tomorrow on I must only study, I’m here just for this reason... not so romantic! Really not so romantic!