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Sunday, August 24, 2008
HOW I UNDERSTOOD TO BE GAY
Understanding of being gay ... My real problem for at least three years was just that. Until 17 I felt straight, not very enthusiastic in chasing after girls, I had to stand them more than anything else, but there I was and I didn’t refuse girls, and girls sunned after me sometimes, I believe I’m a nice boy and some girl always wanted to be my friend.
At school all my classmates wanted badly to go to dance, especially on Saturday evenings to a disco. Sometimes I went too, between 17 and 18, but going to dance for me meant only going to dance and nothing else, for other guys things were different, they went there to be able to hide somewhere with girls, even without doing anything wrong, or perhaps no, who knows, perhaps I’m naive. I went there and didn’t dance, almost never. When I had to embrace some girl I tried also to keep her distant from “there”.
All these things could make me understand how things were, but nothing like that happened and I understood later why. A that time I went to Church a lot (and now I’m in crisis from this point of view but then everything was different), at that time I didn’t even think I was gay, that is, is not that I was thinking about the problem deducing I was straight, It wasn’t a problem at all for me. It was obvious that I was heterosexual. I didn’t feel gay temptations at all, I know that it seems absurd, but didn’t happen at all. I have read on this forum about getting hard and masturbating for a friend.
Today I know what it means but then such things never happened to me. That little amount of sexual fantasies that I was doing where only about girls, because everybody used to do such things about girls. So to say, then I sublimated everything, more or less, I masturbated but thinking about girls even if it wasn’t an exciting thing. But look. At that time, even showering with my friends in the pool was nothing at all for me. It was a pride for me having my sexuality reduced to a minimum.
When I went to confess, sometimes at least, I hadn’t even to tell that I masturbated because I wasn’t addicted to that and I felt very proud. You can say: "Then how did you live?" Practically all sports, school, volunteering ... In short I was a swimmer almost for national selections, not exactly but very close to it and for me those things were important, I spent entire afternoons in the pool and my coach considered realistic the idea of sending me to the Italian championships and this thing was very gratifying for me. .. Do you know what a training level for swimmers like me is? .... Then I added the study, because I was also very good at school and such things made me feel perfect. Teachers at school told me that I was great, the coach told me that I could go to national games, priests told me I was doing very well avoiding masturbation ... you understand, I could feel the perfect guy model.
Only my father, sometimes, I think, was a little perplexed, but not that I was gay, that I simply had set aside my sexuality to devote myself to other things. Dad tried to tell me that in life there are other things, certainly he meant girls, but not even nominated, I answered I had many other things to do and that I was thinking a lot about girls. And I was really convinced of thinking girls.
In short, things went on like this up to 19 y. o... Then I signed up for engineering and at engineering department I met Stephen and there our story began. After the first days of class I see that there is a serious guy, a little like me, always taking notes, who does not go out during the intervals and is always there studying his book, a guy who doesn’t use to get acquainted with other guys or to lose time ... I notice him, yes, but just notice... then something unpredictable happens, the analysis teacher explains Heine-Cantor theorem doing this premise: "I’ll explain it but you won’t understand anything at all!" For me, like I was at that time, such things ware like a glove challenge.
I had to understand the Heine-Cantor theorem. I work the utmost commitment; approximately, I can also understand the general meaning but did not understand precisely why it was something important and could have a practical utility. The day after, Stephen approaches me (blessed be the Heine-Cantor theorem!) And tells me: "But did you understand the theorem that the teacher explained yesterday?" Look, for me that question had not in any way flavor of a personal approach; it was only a request for explanations about a theorem of analysis. I have tried to master to him from what I understood but Stephen replied objections to which I did not know how to answer and I ended up smiling and enlarging my arms as to say: "Well ... perhaps I didn’t understand anything at all!”
When next lesson begins he remains seating next to me, but I don’t even notice. Then at the end of the lesson he tells me: "Do we try to understand how it works?” I say yes and we spend the whole afternoon on the Heine-Cantor theorem, slowly the issue clarifies and at the end we feel the thing pretty simple. In the evening when we say bye we tell each other that next day we were going to ask the teacher whether or not what we understood was right. In the evening, at home, I newly studied the theorem and next morning after class we asked the teacher and he told us that the meaning was exactly what we had understood. I felt radiant ... but only for the Heine-Cantor theorem.
In the following days, Stephen thought that we could study together because we were serious guys who don’t like waste time and we began to study together. I would like to underline that we only studied, not even a word about other subjects, we were too taken with the idea of passing all examinations at the first session, and for us that was the first goal. In practice we have only studied until the end of examinations and we passed all exams and all with 30/30 and it wasn’t easy at all. We felt in ecstasy, but next day I missed a lot the study with Stephen ... and I think the same happened to him.
He called and told me ... what do you do today? My answer: nothing! so we met in the early afternoon but we had nothing to do, we talked all the afternoon, I fully Catholic, he just the opposite but respectful, political ideas were not very different, then we talked about books, cinema, songs, teachers, high school and many other subjects, but never about girls or sex. I then didn’t notice at all such things but later I understood ... When we are going to say bye I ask him about his plans for the next day, he offers me an exhibition on Impressionists and I agree.
Next morning, after the exhibition, about which he knew everything more than an art history teacher, we go to eat something at fast food restaurant and then we walk around the city. Together we are good. We are two friends walking in a beautiful July afternoon. In short, things went so for about half a summer.
My parents in August go to the mountains for three weeks; I use to go with them. I ask Stephen what he’s going to do in August, he asks me: "And you?" I say, instinctively: "I’ll stay here ..." and he tells me: "I too!" I feel happy. When I go back home I say to my parents that I have to stay at home. My father tells me only: "But don’t’ be mad with books!" At that moment for the first time I realize that I have skipped three weeks in the mountains to stay with Stephen. Several days after he told me he did exactly the same to stay with me.
When my parent were away, Stephen used to come to my house, sex was miles from us, either to him or to me, we were happy to be together, talking, cooking, relaxing and telling each other prudently about our lives. In those afternoons we began to talk about sex: two heterosexual friends who talk about sex, he tells me at the beginning of his two girls and I tell him of my adventures, so to say.
Then our confidence became slowly more and more and he told me that, however, he was not enthusiastic about sex, I told him that for me was just the same and then we discussed with a greater freedom. For me, but I think even for him, it was an incredible sense of liberation talking freely about sex, although in fact we spoke nevertheless much more trough allusions than directly, but substantially our talking was serious. Neither he nor thought to be gay, we were two straight not enthusiastic guys, that was all.
Then Stephen was entirely blocked, the fluency of the previous days seemed to disappear, he came to my house but didn’t like to stay at home but wanted to leave the house to go around the city, not talking about us but just about books and exhibitions. ... I had had enough of it ... but I did not say anything.
One evening, when he left, he tried not to give me an appointment for the following day; he was formal, and never happened before. I put him on the spot, I saw that he was embarrassed and he told me: "Come on, I'm not going to talk about it ... don’t worry, I’m not down on you ... "and he left. I was there in all my discomfort, I didn’t know what to think, I called him on the phone, he replied very short messages, then closed the phone but I didn’t let him go, at the end he told me: "Okay, I’ll come tomorrow, you’re right you have to know ... "
The next day came, he was stressed, asked me not to interrupt and in very few words told me that he thought he was in love with me but the situation seemed absurd to him because he never fell in love with a boy, what instead was happening . I then still thought I was heterosexual and I replied as I thought a good heterosexual boy should reply to a gay friend of his in such a situation: "I am sorry but I cannot agree because I am heterosexual ... I like you but... "He didn’t even let me end my phrase and he left saying that he was tired and didn’t even bear to stay there ...
When he left I felt a violent feeling of emptiness, I was a few minutes shocked ... then I went racing at the bus stop where he had to take his bus, I saw him get in but didn’t join him in time ... I felt death ... I said to myself: "But I love this boy ... I don’t know about sex factor, but I can’t live without him ... "I sent a text message:" I love you ... now I understand!"He called me and told me: "Is it true?”I said:" I went racing to reach the stop I saw you get in and leave but I was not able to reach you in time and I was going to break down and cry ... I can’t do without you, without you I die ... don’t put me down this way ... I love you, Stephen ... I love you ...", and he said, stay there at the bus stop I’ll arrive in minutes. And he closed the phone ...
Ten minutes later I saw him arrive racing and panting ... We embraced crying in the middle of the road. Do not think that we went home to have sex, to get there; it took more than a month. He wanted us, both, to do test for AIDS and then our relationship was characterized by a form of mutual shyness, hesitation, a little as Project says.
Now we are together for a year, we passed all examinations also of the second year ... I think that without Stephen I would never have understood to be gay. Now we have our whole sexuality but it’s too private and I’ll keep it private. I just wanted to say that there are many ways to feel gay and perhaps there are so many ways of being gay that it is difficult to understand them completely. Thanks to all and to Project in particular.
If you like, you can participate in English in the discussion of this post open on Gay Project Forum: