Hi Project,When you are 35 you are in middle way, in which you are no longer a boy but you are not even a mature man and the word future begins to hang over your head. Good or bad, I have a job, and luckily it is a stable job, I earn what I need to live and also for some extras, but without exaggerating, I have a car, I can afford to do some trips, trips of a few days but it’s enough for me.
What I miss is a mate. I also had my experiences, but in the end nothing left, those guys were only meteors, it seemed that they had to illuminate the world but then they ended up in nothing very quickly. From a relationship I would like some stability. I still have in mind the model of my parents who are still together after 45 years and, perhaps with some uncertainty, more or less have lived their life in two.
Habit and repetitiveness are not the best, but they reassure, that is, they are somehow certainties. And then my parents had the support of their families because they started a straight family to have children etc. etc., instead I would like a partner not to keep the world going but to feel good in two, but I never found that partner, all the guys had to think of something else, first of all of being free, which will also be a beautiful thing, but freedom at any cost doesn’t allow you to build a life as a couple and then there is the weight of sex which conditions a lot.
I think my parents haven’t had sex in years but they have stayed together all the same. Perhaps the children for straight couples are like a strong glue. What is certain is that among gays everything is much more labile, at least from what I have experienced firsthand, because I have also seen gay couples really stable for many years, but nothing similar happened to me. I think that many times when you look for a guy you risk starting with too high expectations and then you have to downsize everything.
My father no longer wore the wedding ring because he has osteoarthritis and the ring was no longer the right size for his finger, and my mother bought another ring of the right size for my father to continue to wear it and he really started to wear it again, and yet they are old. This fact struck me. I won’t be able to give anyone a wedding ring! That I will not be able to have children from a hypothetical partner of mine I have to accept it because it is so, but I cannot accept not to have a partner at all. I have thought many times that I’m too much difficult and always look for the best and after all I don’t have a partner because I never really fell in love and I only looked for satisfaction, that is, I never really risked, and now I reap the fruits I deserve.
But there is nothing to do! Have I to start again over 35 and what for? Dating sites and apps? I really don’t feel like it. The alternative in these cases would be to throw yourself into work, but with my work I have very little to do, I have no real worries but I don’t even have real satisfactions, it’s a daily routine and nothing more.
My parents don’t know anything about me and expect me to come home out off the blue with a beautiful girl, but this doesn’t happen and the situation wears out: they say nothing to me and I say nothing to them. They are good people but there are many things they wouldn’t accept at all. This is also why I would like to go to work far away, just in another city, and maybe that’s why I don’t have a boyfriend at the age of 35.I don’t want to blame my parents because they are like that, they think like that because for them the world was that. They are not to blame but the fact remains that, willing or not, they have conditioned my life.
Sometimes I come to think that I do all the possible reasoning about a guy, but maybe I don’t really want to look for a guy, I talk about it, but when the opportunity arises I run away. one guy doesn’t suit me for one reason and another for another reason and in the end I work hard to ensure that no story comes to an happy end with anyone, I try to avoid problems, both with my family and with my hypothetical guy.
And then also the possibility of leaving home is purely hypothetical. If I quit my job, I would probably not find another and would fall from the pan into the embers. I’m ending up like spinsters who postpone their marriage from one year to the next and continue to live with their parents, but not because they don’t want a husband, but because they are fine even without a husband.
Sometimes I think about old age and what it will be. At least my parents are aging in two, instead I’ll be alone and basically I want it. I have not completely thrown in the towel, if an opportunity arises I would be happy, but it should be serious opportunity. All these new things like open couples aren’t for me. That is, if the alternative to loneliness is that, well, then I prefer to be alone. I don’t know if I have to consider myself a fool or a weak, it is certain that I don’t want to fight, least of all in my house and so I let everything go like this.
Am I without character? After all this is the reproach that, more or less explicitly, I hear more frequently. Not everyone is born with the heart of a lion. If you are born sheep what do you want to do? You live the life of a classic sheep, you have no wolves to fear, you do what the shepherd wants every day and sooner or later you’ll end up in stew. I still see the stew phase far away, of course I would like to be a free animal, but if one feels like a sheep it is better that he lives as a sheep. I don’t know what an old sheep might think, but I will learn it by living, then it may also be that I change nature and one morning I wake up lion, but I see it rather difficult.
You know, Project, there is one thing I can’t stand: people who brag about everything they’ve done are a bit like the salesman who exalts the goods in the market to give you a rip off. I would like to see how many failures all these guys who never have to ask have hidden under the carpet! Maybe it’s because I’m frustrated, but I don’t believe too much in the Befana.
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If you want, you can participate in the discussion on this post open on the Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-frustrated-gays-who-do-not-believe-in-the-befana
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