ONLY SEVEN DAYS 6
GAY NOVEL 2006
CHAPTER 6
(NEXT CHAPTERS WILL COME SOON)
At 10.15 the bell rang… “Hi Mike… what a smell! Something special… another masterwork of yours! I think when in the college we have to forger such things… Mike... I don’t know what Jason thinks about … but I’ll stay here… Naturally I’m kidding but … I’m not at ease with going away… not for the college but for leaving this house… and you… Mike… I don’t now what I have to say… I’m a little sad today… I’m starting to realize what college may mean… we have to go away… and that’s not easy to accept”.
“Mike, David is right… college could be too hard for us… we had a lot of time to stay together but in college it would be very different… and we feel better here… “.
“Whatever have you in mind?”
“Nothing at all, we know we have to go, for us and also for you… we’ll certainly go but with an anger in the soul… when we missed the bus we where afraid because you had to wait for us… and now… sniffing and looking around we can see that you are here and you are here just for us… to wait for us, I was not used to someone waiting for me… someone older than me, someone who don’t set upon me, who waits for me, someone to talk to, to tell everything I have in mind because he will never reproach me… we’ll never find such things in college… yes we are not alone because we are two, but stay with David is something different, sometimes we have our incomprehensions, our misunderstandings and sometimes we may also feel depressed because of it… and no one is there to minimize all that… we have to surpass all this with only our strength… and this way it’s much more hard to do.”
“Jason… don’t overestimate me… I’m a poor man… yes, I feel better because of you… I feel I’m starting something new and important but I’m nothing more than a poor man… “
“Well… right, but that’s exactly what we need, someone real to help us to face the reality… we have a lot of wishes and a lot of dreams in mind… and you can help us to deal with real life…”.
“That’s very strange… you can’t even imagine how many wishes and dreams I have in mind… I’m not able to help anyone, I’m searching for someone who could help me… and just found out two guys who did it… because you are helping me… you are helping a lot… right, when you’ll go to college I’ll be sad, I know that very well, but you aren’t going away in order to get out from my life… no, you are going to get away just to get back… it’s very different, we’ll see probably every weekend if you like… and there is the mobile…”
“Mike… can I ask you about money, I’m sorry but it would be important.”
“Do you prefer to open a little bank account?”
“No… we prefer get here every week and get a little money for the week… this way at least we have to get back every week… we thought 300 $ a week will be enough all inclusive, also the train ticket to get back… is it possible?”
“Yeah… I thought 400$ a week… but I have to stop here”.
“Good… but 2400$ a month for the college and 1600$ a month for us are 4000$ a month can you afford such expenses? … it’s about 50.000$ a year and physics course lasts for five years…”
“I know but drying all my savings I can afford it… but you have to calculate that depending on your results, college expenses can come less than 1000$ ... and I suppose you can reach this goal… one student out of three reaches this goal… and it would be about 15000$ saved… you can help studying hard in order to get out of the college as son as possible…”
“We’ll do everything in order to save money and to study hard… I promise …. What is this? … Lasagna! Wonderful… “
“Seat down and have your dinner… and what about your resignation?”
“They accepted it right away… from now on we don’t have to go to work any more… and about college?”
“I think we have to go there and check everything out… We can go tomorrow morning, leaving about at 6.00 we’ll be there in 60-70 minutes… we can have a breakfast and then go to the college office to set everything up.”
“Perfect… tomorrow morning…”
“That’s why you have to go to bed as soon as possible… now it’s quarter past eleven… we can discuss everything while going there… Boys… you are starting a new life… you have to be strong and clever… achieving a good physics graduation you could find also a little job within the college… and that could be in three years… and now let me tell you something else… I know very well that I have to let you build your own life, yes, I know that, but you have to take for sure that I will be always with you whenever you need something, no matter what. I’m not getting rid of you, only you have to build a better future… and with a college degree you could find a better job… I don’t know what you are going to make with your life, neither I know what you, Jason, would make with your friendship with David… you are two guys… I think you’ll stay together all life long but if things will go otherwise nothing will change for me… each one of you means something special to me… I hope you’ll be a couple, but if things will turn otherwise you have to remember that my respect and my love will be always the same, I love you individually, not like a couple, you aren’t something similar to a symbol of something I never got… no! You are two guys I love because of what each one of you is… “
“Mike… I’m worried about college life… no one will cook for us over there… no one will show his love to us… and… oh… tomorrow we’ll go there together all the three of us… but eventually we’ll stay alone over there… that sounds bad… “.
“You have to stay with each other, you have to help each other, you have to love each other… Jason no matter if sexually or not… love is something that can exist also without sex… perhaps you could separate, your lives could take different ways… nevertheless you have to love each other, love is respect, care, affection… something that will never die… Love isn’t for now… when you’ll become older you’ll much more need each other, if it’s possible… love means no loneliness, no depression, no bad feelings, means to love and to be loved, to let the other love you… Now I understand I’m preaching far beyond the edge… Boys… come upstairs! It’s bed time! You have to wake up at five tomorrow.”
“Mike can I hug you?”…
“Certainly… you can do everything you like… Tanks, Jason, David… the three of us hugging tightly… that’s something I’ll never forget… And now straight to bed… go!”
Clearly I was deeply involved in this new adventure… will it go to an end or will it last forever, all life long? Now the college adventure… then I don’t know what, and this starting college adventure was even something hard to deal with… I wondered if it was adequate to their real situation to live together in the same college, to study together the same subjects… perhaps love needs distance. When you are alone you can be aware of your sadness, of your need of someone else, what hardly happens when you live with another person… Is love something that grows up with loneliness and decreases when you really live with the person you love? Probably I’m building such thoughts castle on my own loneliness based culture… but they are young… perhaps they need the physical presence… they hugged tightly when they met… when you hag tightly the person you love there’s something special, something physical that flows trough all your body and trough all your brain, you can feel physically the presence of the other, not sexually, but physically, you can hug the body of another person, it is like you were hugging the soul of that person… they hugged me tightly… it was wonderful. But now I have to go back to more concrete problems… how to start college… and how to catch that enormous amount of money… I can’t tell them I’m afraid of all this situation I’m going to afford… Money is only a problem of mine… yes money… and I hope they will make everything at higher level to get graduated as soon as possible and also to save a lot of money… are they aware of money problem? I think not, but I have to keep it for me… Money is always an old people problem… we have to catch money and they have to spend… that’s natural, at least it seams so natural… Perhaps I could contact my former editor to agree for another book… and now I have a lot of things to write about… clearly changing nouns and situations… but I have a lot of new stuff… I’ll try tomorrow… now I only have to stay quiet and go to sleep…”
Next Morning Mike woke up at four and couldn’t get asleep any more. He started thinking about the day that was going to start… about the trip to the university town, about the college, but much more about what he was going to tell Jason and David… the evening before Mike had been satisfied of himself but he was not sure about what he was going to do or to tell next morning, he would never have broken what he had built the evening before… Mike was happy for the image he gave them of himself but was afraid about what he was expected to do.
What choice could be appropriate not to destroy what the three of them just built? “To be easy to speak or to stay quiet? To show them my affection or to make an effort and keep away from too much intimacy, especially in public. To talk or not to talk, this is the problem! To talk to show them something they know very well or to keep silence, or at least a relative silence, to let them speak about whatever they like… I don’t like to give someone a bad image of myself… a wrong image of myself… no… it isn’t matter of an image… I want them to love me… I want them to be happy, with no worries and no fears at least about me… perhaps I have to let them lead the situation… I will never plan anything about my two guys, no more, they aren’t kids so that I have to play a role for them… no! They are real men… like me… they are much more younger nevertheless they are like me… perhaps not facing the oldness and such things… but facing the future they are certainly much more motivated to than me… their time is the future, my is the past… no… my time is even the future, perhaps a near future, certainly I don’t have to worry about what is going to be in 30 years… but ten years and better, to make a wish, twenty could be a future possible even for an old man like me… my two guys… are sleeping together, they aren’t making love… no they aren’t, … or somehow they are… yes probably somehow they are… and somehow I’m too… my two guys… one is gay, the other doesn’t even know himself whatever he is… but does that make any difference? … I don’t think so… Can I love them in two different ways because of their sexuality? All this sounds very absurd… love is love… and is always something reciprocal something you can’t control at all. Love… as old as I am I’m thinking about love… what a strange situation… but what a real situation. Well, it’s time to get up!”
I set the breakfast, David and Jason got downstairs.
“Hi, Mike… how are you?
“Thanks, Jason, I’m fine and you…”.
“I’m very upset… we have to settle the college matter… and then we have to really start it and it will not be matter of a week… we have to get used to a new kind of life…
- “He’s easy to get scared of everything… but when he’s in situation he gets away with everything… Well, it’s an issue we have to confront at some point, no mater how unpleasant it could be…”.
- “Don’t worry… thousands of young people go to college every year and you are older than them … I think you have better to worry about different things, you probably don’t consider at all…”
- “That is?”
- “I’m thinking about your new mates… and about some aspects of college life… you’ll meet young people, nice people, people who can take you in a different environment… your mates are young guys, they know nothing about you and they probably will be attracted to you, because you are older and because you are a couple, I think somehow they will realize it…”.
“Well, clearly we have to keep away from trouble… and to mind our own… “.
“Yes, but I think there is another aspect you have to consider…”
“And what’s it?”
“I think your mates or at least someone of them could be attracted to you not only because they are nosy… someone of them could be very interested in your behave… and you have to pay attention not only in order to keep your privacy and to avoid trouble… but also not to harm them… You are a couple, or at least you somehow are a couple, you aren’t in closet to each other, but you could meet some guys that didn’t came out to anyone at all… that’s why you have to let your mates take their time. If you only mind your own you can scare them, set them out, and I think you have to be careful… do you understand?”
“Yeah!... that’s a very uncommon advice… you think someone of them… ”.
“Well I not only think but I’m sure there are a lot of gay people over there… you have to consider that you’ll find guys and girls attending lectures but the dorm is an guys-only dorm… with about two thousand students… you have to calculate about 10% are gay… that makes about two hundred gay guys, ninety percent of them are in the closet and I think much more, they have to study hard… right, but you can take for sure they are searching something different at College…”.
- “Do you mean sex?”
- “Perhaps it could be… but I think a lot of other thinks, first friendship, then respect, maybe love… but they are weak like I was when I went to college many years ago. When you can see some fear signals, like hesitation, nervousness, aggressive responses, some insistence you would like to avoid, something strange whatever it could be… be careful… never react roughly, no hard words at all… give time to time… let things flag, make less intense… it’s never too late to make mistakes… You have already passed your coming out… they could be now in the middle of the wading…”.
- “What do you think would be better… I mean in order not to harm them…”
- “No rules about arguments such this one… it’s your choice… you can also get wrong, yes, you can also scare or harm someone… you have only to follow your feelings and your brain… when you’ll find something you don’t understand you have to respect it… you are going to be in the midst of a lot of young people… a single smile can help, can avail, can make easier a lot of things… and when someone will flash you a smile, you have to give back a smile or better to tell something friendly or nice. Remember, when people smile at you they probably are searching for love… not for sex but for love, and people that need love, at least must be respected… ”.
- “Well, Mike, and how to distinguish nosy people smiling from people who really need love? … Perhaps I’m rude but I think no one could distinguish them just at the beginning, don’t you agree?”
- “Certainly… you have to be mindful that nosy people spread over and you can find them everywhere, even without recognizing them… yes… first take care of yourselves… you’re right …”.
Breakfast was over, we jumped on the car, David was the driver and Jason sat near him on the front seat... I was in the back seat, and conversation went on wile we were going on the highway, but somehow not so easily as I’d have hoped. My arguments where too theoretical and abstract, but they where rather thinking about something concrete… and finally I was going to get back in some hours they instead had to face the real college life, their perspective was very different…
I felt just at that moment how far reality could be from my dreams and also from what I used to think as my duty or my perspective on life… I was an old man, they where young guys, between us years dug an abyss, something nobody could event think to overstep, no matter whether or not you like it… the distance can’t really be reduced… starting something and come to the end are very different things… that’s why, probably, David and Jason seamed to be, or I have to say better where really in a different world. Something frightened me… was I really able to understand the two guys? If I had asked them this question they would have answered certainly… probably… yes… but I would never ask them such questions that belong only to me… old people questions… And I? What could I answer myself? Yesterday probably I’d have answered yes… but today my answer is very different… I clearly can’t understand them… I think I can play a role… not pretending to play but really playing my role, but was that for coherence or for love? They are to me what I pretend they are… no one can ever get into the soul of another human being… neither can I… My life, until some days ago, was only mine, only internal… but now I’m very perplexed… I got a flash of something new, I thought it was love, but it was only a flash of something… was it love? Can I at my age experiment something that is really love? Or I’ll only pretend to see somewhere love flashes in order to feel alive? Was I only pretending to play a role that involved something similar to love, just to keep away from loneliness and desperation? … Probably the guys needed really me to tell them something encouraging, to afford expenses they couldn’t afford… or, yes I can tell also… to love them, or just to find someone who pretends to love them… because is there any difference, on the side of the beloved person, between loving and pretending to love? Love isn’t something emotional, love is a duty, something that consists in acting like you where in love… is there any difference between loving and acting like you where loving someone? And really I think there isn’t any difference at all… if loving consists in doing everything in order to let someone feel beloved with enthusiasm and participation… and acting like you where loving someone consists in doing exactly the same things because of duty… I love them… I have to love them… I must love them…perhaps there is a difference but only from my point of view, I certainly don’t have to worry about such differences that involve only myself… I have to hide this thoughts and to keep them for myself… loving my boys or at least avoiding to hate them, because sometimes when love can’t grow up it becomes hate… hate that is confused with love, that is hidden under a coat of love… but hate really exists, not hate because of the guys… no… hate because of the concrete situation… I’d liked it to happen many years ago when this dudes hadn’t even been born… at that time everything could have happened, today is no more my time … gay or not I’m going to my end, I have nothing to start just something to complete…
Suddenly I asked them: “Do you think we can really get in touch with each other? Because I think we can’t… somehow we can’t”. Jason looked at me right in my eyes… “Somehow we can’t… but somehow we can… we somehow need you… we have really something to share… perhaps we can’t understand everything now but we need you, we need exchanging ideas, getting your experiences, knowing how an older man can afford his problems … don’t mind if I spoke about you as an older man, we need you just like an older man… we too are somehow worried about how to get in touch with you… it’s something we aren’t already used to, … no… never think you aren’t able to get in touch with us… you are much older than our parents… but we prefer to stay with you… we feel much more free and also much more the object of your thoughts… you know how to take care of us, respecting us…”
“Jason… things are probably much more complicated … I think my good feelings dried years ago… I’m not really involved in your story… I told a lot of things… I promised a lot of things like I was really involved but I’m not… I’ll certainly do everything I told … but I take it for duty, for gay duty, if you like, but for duty… I’m not really involved… I think I pretend to be involved but I’m not… do you understand what the problem is?”
“Mike… do you remember James Baldwin’s novel “Another country”?
“Of course… yes… I know that book by heart…”
“Do you remember the quote: There is nothing here to decide but everything to accept?”
“Of course… I remember…”
“Well there is nothing here to understand or to think about but everything to accept… “
“Yeah… perhaps it’s true… I’m confused, I don’t know what to say… an old man in a strange situation… “
“No… nothing strange… love isn’t strange… or love is always strange…”
“… nothing to decide … everything to accept… right… when I read that sentence it seamed to me like I could accept it as something that belonged deeply to me… but between reading a book and deal with real life there’s an enormous difference… that sentence sounds today very different to me… probably you take it now just as I took it many years ago… you are something like myself when I was your age… If you had met me like I was many years ago, probably we had had the same feelings, the same thoughts… but between me and you there is an entire life you don’t know at all… something that I could share with you but you probably couldn’t understand at all because it’s matter of too many years ago… I think I envy your youth … I think old people envy young people… It could seam something bad… but probably it’s the truth… I would have met you when I too was young… but I’m no more… “
“Mike… how were you, when you where our age?
“I can’t even remember… probably… I wasn’t like you are now… no… when I was young everything was different… probably because I was different… but, yes, I think a lot of things where really different… At that time talking about being gay was impossible… you couldn’t even think about… I had friends… yes I had also a thing for someone of them... but they had their own life… girls, dating… and so on… at that time everybody was straight acting no matter if gay or not… was a general rule and you couldn’t even think to brake the rule… I used to keep out of my friends… yes, sometimes we went to the parties, sometimes to the cinema, but I didn’t like to stay with them too much… the less we used to know each other the less I was frightened about being detected… and being detected at that time was a very unpleasant affair…”
“Did you ever fall in love with someone?“
“Yeah… it happened… but he wasn’t a gay guy…”
“Too bad…”
“No! … I think if he had been a gay guy it couldn’t have been better… I think he loved me… his way, clearly… we spent a lot of time together… chatting about nothing on the phone… or in the car… I was happy… I think we where happy… something tender, honest, clear… something absolutely particular…”
“Did he know?”
“Certainly and there was no need to tell him anything… he told me that this way he was aware I had a better reason to love him really…”
“And now where is this guy? … I think he’s very extraordinary…”
“Yes, really he is… where? He went to Europe many years ago… he married, had children… I think now he’s happy…”
“But are you still in touch?”
“Yes, we are… I never call him but he calls me one or two times a week… and I think he’s happy to hear me…”
“How many years it lasted?
“It never came to an and, I think it will last all life long… when he married he didn’t stop to call me at least one or two times a week.. and so on for years… for his children I was something like an uncle… his wife was, I think, a clever woman…”
“Do you think he told his wife about you?”
“No… certainly he didn’t… not in order to hide something from his wife… no… only to avoid me to feel out of place…”
“Mike… is this story true?”
“Certainly…”
“I thought you could have created it for me… there’s something similar to my story with David…”
“Yes… wile I was speaking I taught the same… but no… the story is really true… and I can assure you that someway we where in love and we are even now… we where friends… but very best friends… you know when you feel the love of another person? …. Sometimes when he calls me we speak like lovers… as old as we are… he told me: I need you… I really need you… I was looking forward to this minutes of conversation… I really love you Mike… you know very well… Just next year he’s been seek for months and I flied to Europe because I thought he was going to die... he was affording a very bad time, in the hospital wit the oxygen mask, he wasn’t always conscious... when he was aware of himself he opened his eyes and looked straight at me and started crying ... I was there holding his hand and repeating: you’ll get out of all this trouble, I’m sure you’ll get out... and I was terribly afraid about my own words because they seemed too much inappropriate to a similar situation... I pried Lord not to get him away... it would have been terrible if he would have gone... but month after month he become more and more healthy and finally doctors told us he was ready to go home... Jason I think that was the better day for me... three weeks later I was newly at home… I think that someway my life was happy because of him… like now I’m happy because of you… You know? When someone loves you… then you became very different… then you are happy, no matter sex or whatever…. Love is love… “
“How are you Mike?”
“Fine thanks…”
“Did black clouds go away?”
“I think yes… Thanks… Jason… you have something really similar to my friend… he used to deal with me the same way… and you, David, are now experimenting something I knew many years ago… boys… I think you are really in love… like I was at that time… because if you are in love you are happy and I think you are really happy… Nothing is better than loving and being loved... “
“But when we’ll feel depressed with no one around to let us be happy... I think it would be hard to deal with our feelings... and I think you too feel at least just a little depressed without us... Mike... I noticed that you avoid every physical contact with us... isn’t it?”
“Yeah... it is...”
“I think you are worried not to scare us about something that could sound like something sexual... but... perhaps we might need also holding hands... “
“Jason... I don’t know what to say... perhaps you are right but I’m really not used to such things... there is something risky... I have to set rules and to follow what I stated... I’m not so sure about myself that I can fell free to hold hour hands... I’d like it very well... but I must keep the distance... avoid whatever could be too much involving... I have to keep my feelings under control... you have to trust me and I must respect my rules... you are for me something religious, something I have to warship... you are two guys that trust me... is there something more important? ... If I have to love you I have also to respect the rules...”
“Well... if that’s true why did you let us hag you?”
“That’s a different thing... I will never stop you... that’s very different... “
“And if I would hag you right here and now?”
“You have not to... it wouldn’t be something spontaneous... no I wouldn’t accept it... it could sound strange to me... it sounds strange to me...“
“Jason... tell Mike about what we where discussing last night...”
“Oh... “
“What is it?”
“Nothing important... just about the remote possibility you could ask for something more physical...”
“I don’t understand...”
“David told me if you had asked him something sexual he perhaps could have done it... and perhaps I would have done the same... it would be like a love exchange... something possible...“
“Jason... please hold your tongue... now... fortunately you are going to land to the university... far from me... and I think that this is the best thing in order not to get out of rules... This things are totally out... remember it’s not because you are much or less complying that I keep away from such things... it’s only by my choice... The fantasy is something very different from real life... I would never waste our friendship, or whatever it is, just to fulfil what is no more than a simple fantasy that I have better to keep for myself or even better to delete at all... and I think perhaps I’ll delete it at all, honestly I’m not yet at this point but I’m not so far from it... it’s a very difficult problem to deal with but our family, so to tell, it’s too much important and I’m really aware of it.”
“Mike... I apologise for my stupid thoughts...”
“ No! You don’t have to apologise for nothing at all... the problem is that this thoughts aren’t really so stupid... I think they are very important... but I have to tell you whatever I think about... remember, Jason... I think I can fell free to tell you whatever I have in mind only if you fell free to tell me whatever you have in mind... never avoid anything just because you think it could sound strange to me... And if you find out there is something I could hide from you because I think... I think you aren’t able to understand it... How could you react? No! Nothing to hide... no more... we... you and me have a lot of experience about hiding something from people... we never have to hide something form each other... it’s not a question of kindness or urbanity... no! Nothing similar between us... we have to feel with each other just as we feel with ourselves... I don’ know what you think about but now I’m experimenting a freeing sensation... nothing to hide... speak clearly abut everything... and then, I’m an older man end you are young guys but I have to consider you exactly as I consider myself, you aren’t too much young to understand me... no! You are able to understand everything... good or bad... I was going to add “at least I think you are able”... but not! Such expression would mean that perhaps you are not... and now I’m aware you really are... and I think you have to think that I’m able to understand whatever you cold tell me... otherwise there could be no love at all, no friendship, nothing at all... We have to trust each other otherwise we have better take each his own way... isn’t it?”
“Mike... now you can get angry, if you like, but I have to tell you that I feel a little... I don’t know how to say... too strange, too inappropriate... shortly too stupid... David pretends he’s asleep ... and I feel so stupid because I told you what we told each other last night... I had better to keep everything for me... because he’s pretending to sleep... this way he lets me explore the ground... and you, Mike, are just too much assertive... I can appreciate what you told me, but I think something sensual is too much necessary to love someone, but it seems you don’t care about it at all... David and I aren’t lovers... yes, but we have some physical contact... isn’t it David? David... wake up! ... sometimes he hags me or holds my hand or caress my hair... not too much... never too much... but he knows I need it and he does it for me... I know very well that such things are hard to take under control for him but nevertheless he knows I need it and he complies... Mike, don’t you understand me?
“Jason... oh my God... you are terrible... I can imagine how you can stress the poor David... and you are now making the same with me... No! ... You are wrong... there isn’t any theoretical problem... David is David and I’m Mike... you can obviously get in touch with him the way you like better, you are two young guys... you can build you life together... sex or whatever, you are searching for love and you’ll find it... but I’m and older man... boys... you can’t understand...”
“You told us just five minutes ego that there was nothing we weren’t able to understand... didn’t you?”
“Right... I did... Jason you are a little fox!... but why are we keeping on talking about sex or whatever... there are a lot of things to talk about...”.
“Are you worried about speaking about sex? ... yes... you are... that sounds strange to me, I’m not scared at all... probably I would never make love with a male but absolutely I’m not worried about sex discussions... but you are scared, Mike... I think you are...”.
“Jason... you are terrible and I’m looking forward to starting academic year... this way I could be safe and not worried at all... you are very terrible... but don’t you know that for an aged man such things are out of touch... don’t you understand what’s the difference? ... yes... right, you are young... David is young... but I’m not... we are gay all the three of us but nevertheless our life is very different, my sun is going to set down... and you are going to start... do you know the difference? ... became and old man... dealing everyday wit the idea of getting ill... of being able to face the death... that’s what you don’t understand at all... you only think about sex or not sex... sorry, about love... oh... yes... it’s much more high level matter... but you never think that time flows and you can’t stop it... I was young years ago but I’m no more... what’s my future? the future I’m going to really face? ... do you understand what I’m trying to tell you? ...”
- “Somehow... perhaps... but... perhaps I don’t really understand... really... I think I don’t understand at all... probably it’s impossible... well... I feel stupid pretending I can understand... but neither you are able to understand us... perhaps you remember something that happened to you years ago... but sex isn’t eventually your real fife now... that means it’s not your real life... because what was real in the past is no more real now... perhaps neither love is your real life now... I think I’m too rough but it’s what I have in mind just now... sorry Mike... I wasn’t allowed... sorry...”
- “... Jason... I don’t know what to say... I’m really perplexed... probably you are right and I can’t even feel something similar to love... because I’m too much deep in my thoughts... too much selfish... I’m pretending that I love you but perhaps I’m very far from all this... I thought it by myself... you entered an open door... you probably are right... well... and then? What to do next... so are things... good... I only have to accept... I can’t change anything.”
- “I think you can... something at least... certainly you can... “
- “I don’t understand... is there something I missed?”
- “No... but I have to ask a question...”
- “Go ahead...”
- “Not now... if I need it... could I touch you? Hag you? Take you hand? ... This way you can’t even think whether I could like it or not... it would be my choice, only my choice...”
- “Obviously you can make everything you like... but I’d like better not... you have nothing to experiment... I love you... at least I try...”
- “Yes, right, but you take it as a must... and this sounds strange to me... you aren’t really free, you don’t even feel free... and I have to say I’m not totally at ease with you... I feel like you where keeping me away... I don’t like the idea of scaring you... But you could make something better for us not keeping us away ... because you do... you really do... with love... with care at least, but you really do... Did you ever thought about taking my hand or David’s, to hag us tightly, to make us feel you really exist... yes... it would be more difficult to deal with all that stuff but we don’t mind at all...”
- “Jason... no... perhaps you can understand, perhaps you can’t even tolerate my behaviour that probably seams to you something that comes from fear or whatever... but I have to go on this why... I must to go on this way... you are a couple... really you are... I’m a friend... a gay friend... a gay old friend... and if I have to preserve this strange kind of love I must keep on this way... no matter what your feelings could be now... no... we must work for the future, for your future, probably also for mine... but it’s different... it’s very different... Jason, if I had found guys like you when I was young, things would have been different... but I didn’t ... if it had happened probably my life would have been completely different... but nothing similar happened... that time was time of fear... of lonelyness ... do you understand how your freedom, how little you can consider it, is different from the absolute closeting of that times? But that years where my years... and now my time could never restart... “.
“Why are you holding our youth against us? What did we against you? We too will come to face oldness if God wants, if now we are young you can’t blame upon us... can’t you discover what’s common between us? ... I think there’s a lot in common, why are you trying to emphasize your oldness... to hold you oldness against us?”.
“Jason... you probably can’t even understand how difficult it could d be for Mike to deal with all the situation... no... we have to understand... and now we aren’t able to... it will take time... I think college is really a good idea... just in order to accept ourselves... we have to experiment what it could be to need Mike ... and he has to do the same with us... we have to get used to each other... step by step... we too have to learn how to love him... and to use to much words isn’t useful, to build a lot of thoughts, of theories of abstract reasoning could only distress us ... understanding has noting to do with thoughts, to understand is a matter of love, not of brain... Mike... why are you still? Did we hurt you?”
“I have nothing to hold against you... nothing at all... neither my oldness... and, right, chatting a lot about such questions may only unnerve you... you are right... it’s no more really than speaking only about myself what as nothing to do with love... I’m not used to love tings... but I have to learn... really it will take its time... but... I don’t think that your going to the college will help... no... to get used to each other we need to stay together... to feel free... to make mistakes... just as I did two minutes ago... I’m not perfect, I’m a real man, with a lot of... how could I tell you... with a lot of doubts, ob ambiguities, I’m selfish... I’m really selfish like people used to loneliness, I never had children, or relatives at all..., only myself... and you to deal with an older man like I’m is very boring... I’m what I’m... yes, selfish, why not... and you have to take me like I’m... You can reproach me, if you have to, but never be angry with me... I can make a lot of mistakes... but a can’t help it...”
“...”
“Jason... how are you?”
“I feel really strange... I had in mind that it could have been easier than that... I feel like a stupid who presumes to understand everything and isn’t even able to really let you tell what you have in mind... I feel like a stupid boy... Mike I would never...”
“Stop! ... No! you have nothing to add? Did you hear what David told just now? ... Never too much words... I love you Jason... you have to take it for granted... and now you have to think only about college... you have to get rid of all the thoughts that aren’t about college... you can take everything else for granted... I’m just waiting for you to come back home graduates ... right Jason?”
“Right... but I’m afraid I couldn’t achieve the goal... I think it could be too much difficult for me...”
“Nothing is too much for you... David and I will support you anyway...”
“But I’m scared all the same...”
“No matter scared or not you have to face all the problems college will imply... and let me tell you clearly: all the students face the same problems and all of them are scared starting college... you aren’t going to start nothing such strange or difficult... it’s a normal thing for guys you age... isn’t it?!
“Right... it is... “.
Our journey was going to the end, we went out of the highway and ten minutes after we entered the campus...
“Mike, David is right… college could be too hard for us… we had a lot of time to stay together but in college it would be very different… and we feel better here… “.
“Whatever have you in mind?”
“Nothing at all, we know we have to go, for us and also for you… we’ll certainly go but with an anger in the soul… when we missed the bus we where afraid because you had to wait for us… and now… sniffing and looking around we can see that you are here and you are here just for us… to wait for us, I was not used to someone waiting for me… someone older than me, someone who don’t set upon me, who waits for me, someone to talk to, to tell everything I have in mind because he will never reproach me… we’ll never find such things in college… yes we are not alone because we are two, but stay with David is something different, sometimes we have our incomprehensions, our misunderstandings and sometimes we may also feel depressed because of it… and no one is there to minimize all that… we have to surpass all this with only our strength… and this way it’s much more hard to do.”
“Jason… don’t overestimate me… I’m a poor man… yes, I feel better because of you… I feel I’m starting something new and important but I’m nothing more than a poor man… “
“Well… right, but that’s exactly what we need, someone real to help us to face the reality… we have a lot of wishes and a lot of dreams in mind… and you can help us to deal with real life…”.
“That’s very strange… you can’t even imagine how many wishes and dreams I have in mind… I’m not able to help anyone, I’m searching for someone who could help me… and just found out two guys who did it… because you are helping me… you are helping a lot… right, when you’ll go to college I’ll be sad, I know that very well, but you aren’t going away in order to get out from my life… no, you are going to get away just to get back… it’s very different, we’ll see probably every weekend if you like… and there is the mobile…”
“Mike… can I ask you about money, I’m sorry but it would be important.”
“Do you prefer to open a little bank account?”
“No… we prefer get here every week and get a little money for the week… this way at least we have to get back every week… we thought 300 $ a week will be enough all inclusive, also the train ticket to get back… is it possible?”
“Yeah… I thought 400$ a week… but I have to stop here”.
“Good… but 2400$ a month for the college and 1600$ a month for us are 4000$ a month can you afford such expenses? … it’s about 50.000$ a year and physics course lasts for five years…”
“I know but drying all my savings I can afford it… but you have to calculate that depending on your results, college expenses can come less than 1000$ ... and I suppose you can reach this goal… one student out of three reaches this goal… and it would be about 15000$ saved… you can help studying hard in order to get out of the college as son as possible…”
“We’ll do everything in order to save money and to study hard… I promise …. What is this? … Lasagna! Wonderful… “
“Seat down and have your dinner… and what about your resignation?”
“They accepted it right away… from now on we don’t have to go to work any more… and about college?”
“I think we have to go there and check everything out… We can go tomorrow morning, leaving about at 6.00 we’ll be there in 60-70 minutes… we can have a breakfast and then go to the college office to set everything up.”
“Perfect… tomorrow morning…”
“That’s why you have to go to bed as soon as possible… now it’s quarter past eleven… we can discuss everything while going there… Boys… you are starting a new life… you have to be strong and clever… achieving a good physics graduation you could find also a little job within the college… and that could be in three years… and now let me tell you something else… I know very well that I have to let you build your own life, yes, I know that, but you have to take for sure that I will be always with you whenever you need something, no matter what. I’m not getting rid of you, only you have to build a better future… and with a college degree you could find a better job… I don’t know what you are going to make with your life, neither I know what you, Jason, would make with your friendship with David… you are two guys… I think you’ll stay together all life long but if things will go otherwise nothing will change for me… each one of you means something special to me… I hope you’ll be a couple, but if things will turn otherwise you have to remember that my respect and my love will be always the same, I love you individually, not like a couple, you aren’t something similar to a symbol of something I never got… no! You are two guys I love because of what each one of you is… “
“Mike… I’m worried about college life… no one will cook for us over there… no one will show his love to us… and… oh… tomorrow we’ll go there together all the three of us… but eventually we’ll stay alone over there… that sounds bad… “.
“You have to stay with each other, you have to help each other, you have to love each other… Jason no matter if sexually or not… love is something that can exist also without sex… perhaps you could separate, your lives could take different ways… nevertheless you have to love each other, love is respect, care, affection… something that will never die… Love isn’t for now… when you’ll become older you’ll much more need each other, if it’s possible… love means no loneliness, no depression, no bad feelings, means to love and to be loved, to let the other love you… Now I understand I’m preaching far beyond the edge… Boys… come upstairs! It’s bed time! You have to wake up at five tomorrow.”
“Mike can I hug you?”…
“Certainly… you can do everything you like… Tanks, Jason, David… the three of us hugging tightly… that’s something I’ll never forget… And now straight to bed… go!”
Clearly I was deeply involved in this new adventure… will it go to an end or will it last forever, all life long? Now the college adventure… then I don’t know what, and this starting college adventure was even something hard to deal with… I wondered if it was adequate to their real situation to live together in the same college, to study together the same subjects… perhaps love needs distance. When you are alone you can be aware of your sadness, of your need of someone else, what hardly happens when you live with another person… Is love something that grows up with loneliness and decreases when you really live with the person you love? Probably I’m building such thoughts castle on my own loneliness based culture… but they are young… perhaps they need the physical presence… they hugged tightly when they met… when you hag tightly the person you love there’s something special, something physical that flows trough all your body and trough all your brain, you can feel physically the presence of the other, not sexually, but physically, you can hug the body of another person, it is like you were hugging the soul of that person… they hugged me tightly… it was wonderful. But now I have to go back to more concrete problems… how to start college… and how to catch that enormous amount of money… I can’t tell them I’m afraid of all this situation I’m going to afford… Money is only a problem of mine… yes money… and I hope they will make everything at higher level to get graduated as soon as possible and also to save a lot of money… are they aware of money problem? I think not, but I have to keep it for me… Money is always an old people problem… we have to catch money and they have to spend… that’s natural, at least it seams so natural… Perhaps I could contact my former editor to agree for another book… and now I have a lot of things to write about… clearly changing nouns and situations… but I have a lot of new stuff… I’ll try tomorrow… now I only have to stay quiet and go to sleep…”
Next Morning Mike woke up at four and couldn’t get asleep any more. He started thinking about the day that was going to start… about the trip to the university town, about the college, but much more about what he was going to tell Jason and David… the evening before Mike had been satisfied of himself but he was not sure about what he was going to do or to tell next morning, he would never have broken what he had built the evening before… Mike was happy for the image he gave them of himself but was afraid about what he was expected to do.
What choice could be appropriate not to destroy what the three of them just built? “To be easy to speak or to stay quiet? To show them my affection or to make an effort and keep away from too much intimacy, especially in public. To talk or not to talk, this is the problem! To talk to show them something they know very well or to keep silence, or at least a relative silence, to let them speak about whatever they like… I don’t like to give someone a bad image of myself… a wrong image of myself… no… it isn’t matter of an image… I want them to love me… I want them to be happy, with no worries and no fears at least about me… perhaps I have to let them lead the situation… I will never plan anything about my two guys, no more, they aren’t kids so that I have to play a role for them… no! They are real men… like me… they are much more younger nevertheless they are like me… perhaps not facing the oldness and such things… but facing the future they are certainly much more motivated to than me… their time is the future, my is the past… no… my time is even the future, perhaps a near future, certainly I don’t have to worry about what is going to be in 30 years… but ten years and better, to make a wish, twenty could be a future possible even for an old man like me… my two guys… are sleeping together, they aren’t making love… no they aren’t, … or somehow they are… yes probably somehow they are… and somehow I’m too… my two guys… one is gay, the other doesn’t even know himself whatever he is… but does that make any difference? … I don’t think so… Can I love them in two different ways because of their sexuality? All this sounds very absurd… love is love… and is always something reciprocal something you can’t control at all. Love… as old as I am I’m thinking about love… what a strange situation… but what a real situation. Well, it’s time to get up!”
I set the breakfast, David and Jason got downstairs.
“Hi, Mike… how are you?
“Thanks, Jason, I’m fine and you…”.
“I’m very upset… we have to settle the college matter… and then we have to really start it and it will not be matter of a week… we have to get used to a new kind of life…
- “He’s easy to get scared of everything… but when he’s in situation he gets away with everything… Well, it’s an issue we have to confront at some point, no mater how unpleasant it could be…”.
- “Don’t worry… thousands of young people go to college every year and you are older than them … I think you have better to worry about different things, you probably don’t consider at all…”
- “That is?”
- “I’m thinking about your new mates… and about some aspects of college life… you’ll meet young people, nice people, people who can take you in a different environment… your mates are young guys, they know nothing about you and they probably will be attracted to you, because you are older and because you are a couple, I think somehow they will realize it…”.
“Well, clearly we have to keep away from trouble… and to mind our own… “.
“Yes, but I think there is another aspect you have to consider…”
“And what’s it?”
“I think your mates or at least someone of them could be attracted to you not only because they are nosy… someone of them could be very interested in your behave… and you have to pay attention not only in order to keep your privacy and to avoid trouble… but also not to harm them… You are a couple, or at least you somehow are a couple, you aren’t in closet to each other, but you could meet some guys that didn’t came out to anyone at all… that’s why you have to let your mates take their time. If you only mind your own you can scare them, set them out, and I think you have to be careful… do you understand?”
“Yeah!... that’s a very uncommon advice… you think someone of them… ”.
“Well I not only think but I’m sure there are a lot of gay people over there… you have to consider that you’ll find guys and girls attending lectures but the dorm is an guys-only dorm… with about two thousand students… you have to calculate about 10% are gay… that makes about two hundred gay guys, ninety percent of them are in the closet and I think much more, they have to study hard… right, but you can take for sure they are searching something different at College…”.
- “Do you mean sex?”
- “Perhaps it could be… but I think a lot of other thinks, first friendship, then respect, maybe love… but they are weak like I was when I went to college many years ago. When you can see some fear signals, like hesitation, nervousness, aggressive responses, some insistence you would like to avoid, something strange whatever it could be… be careful… never react roughly, no hard words at all… give time to time… let things flag, make less intense… it’s never too late to make mistakes… You have already passed your coming out… they could be now in the middle of the wading…”.
- “What do you think would be better… I mean in order not to harm them…”
- “No rules about arguments such this one… it’s your choice… you can also get wrong, yes, you can also scare or harm someone… you have only to follow your feelings and your brain… when you’ll find something you don’t understand you have to respect it… you are going to be in the midst of a lot of young people… a single smile can help, can avail, can make easier a lot of things… and when someone will flash you a smile, you have to give back a smile or better to tell something friendly or nice. Remember, when people smile at you they probably are searching for love… not for sex but for love, and people that need love, at least must be respected… ”.
- “Well, Mike, and how to distinguish nosy people smiling from people who really need love? … Perhaps I’m rude but I think no one could distinguish them just at the beginning, don’t you agree?”
- “Certainly… you have to be mindful that nosy people spread over and you can find them everywhere, even without recognizing them… yes… first take care of yourselves… you’re right …”.
Breakfast was over, we jumped on the car, David was the driver and Jason sat near him on the front seat... I was in the back seat, and conversation went on wile we were going on the highway, but somehow not so easily as I’d have hoped. My arguments where too theoretical and abstract, but they where rather thinking about something concrete… and finally I was going to get back in some hours they instead had to face the real college life, their perspective was very different…
I felt just at that moment how far reality could be from my dreams and also from what I used to think as my duty or my perspective on life… I was an old man, they where young guys, between us years dug an abyss, something nobody could event think to overstep, no matter whether or not you like it… the distance can’t really be reduced… starting something and come to the end are very different things… that’s why, probably, David and Jason seamed to be, or I have to say better where really in a different world. Something frightened me… was I really able to understand the two guys? If I had asked them this question they would have answered certainly… probably… yes… but I would never ask them such questions that belong only to me… old people questions… And I? What could I answer myself? Yesterday probably I’d have answered yes… but today my answer is very different… I clearly can’t understand them… I think I can play a role… not pretending to play but really playing my role, but was that for coherence or for love? They are to me what I pretend they are… no one can ever get into the soul of another human being… neither can I… My life, until some days ago, was only mine, only internal… but now I’m very perplexed… I got a flash of something new, I thought it was love, but it was only a flash of something… was it love? Can I at my age experiment something that is really love? Or I’ll only pretend to see somewhere love flashes in order to feel alive? Was I only pretending to play a role that involved something similar to love, just to keep away from loneliness and desperation? … Probably the guys needed really me to tell them something encouraging, to afford expenses they couldn’t afford… or, yes I can tell also… to love them, or just to find someone who pretends to love them… because is there any difference, on the side of the beloved person, between loving and pretending to love? Love isn’t something emotional, love is a duty, something that consists in acting like you where in love… is there any difference between loving and acting like you where loving someone? And really I think there isn’t any difference at all… if loving consists in doing everything in order to let someone feel beloved with enthusiasm and participation… and acting like you where loving someone consists in doing exactly the same things because of duty… I love them… I have to love them… I must love them…perhaps there is a difference but only from my point of view, I certainly don’t have to worry about such differences that involve only myself… I have to hide this thoughts and to keep them for myself… loving my boys or at least avoiding to hate them, because sometimes when love can’t grow up it becomes hate… hate that is confused with love, that is hidden under a coat of love… but hate really exists, not hate because of the guys… no… hate because of the concrete situation… I’d liked it to happen many years ago when this dudes hadn’t even been born… at that time everything could have happened, today is no more my time … gay or not I’m going to my end, I have nothing to start just something to complete…
Suddenly I asked them: “Do you think we can really get in touch with each other? Because I think we can’t… somehow we can’t”. Jason looked at me right in my eyes… “Somehow we can’t… but somehow we can… we somehow need you… we have really something to share… perhaps we can’t understand everything now but we need you, we need exchanging ideas, getting your experiences, knowing how an older man can afford his problems … don’t mind if I spoke about you as an older man, we need you just like an older man… we too are somehow worried about how to get in touch with you… it’s something we aren’t already used to, … no… never think you aren’t able to get in touch with us… you are much older than our parents… but we prefer to stay with you… we feel much more free and also much more the object of your thoughts… you know how to take care of us, respecting us…”
“Jason… things are probably much more complicated … I think my good feelings dried years ago… I’m not really involved in your story… I told a lot of things… I promised a lot of things like I was really involved but I’m not… I’ll certainly do everything I told … but I take it for duty, for gay duty, if you like, but for duty… I’m not really involved… I think I pretend to be involved but I’m not… do you understand what the problem is?”
“Mike… do you remember James Baldwin’s novel “Another country”?
“Of course… yes… I know that book by heart…”
“Do you remember the quote: There is nothing here to decide but everything to accept?”
“Of course… I remember…”
“Well there is nothing here to understand or to think about but everything to accept… “
“Yeah… perhaps it’s true… I’m confused, I don’t know what to say… an old man in a strange situation… “
“No… nothing strange… love isn’t strange… or love is always strange…”
“… nothing to decide … everything to accept… right… when I read that sentence it seamed to me like I could accept it as something that belonged deeply to me… but between reading a book and deal with real life there’s an enormous difference… that sentence sounds today very different to me… probably you take it now just as I took it many years ago… you are something like myself when I was your age… If you had met me like I was many years ago, probably we had had the same feelings, the same thoughts… but between me and you there is an entire life you don’t know at all… something that I could share with you but you probably couldn’t understand at all because it’s matter of too many years ago… I think I envy your youth … I think old people envy young people… It could seam something bad… but probably it’s the truth… I would have met you when I too was young… but I’m no more… “
“Mike… how were you, when you where our age?
“I can’t even remember… probably… I wasn’t like you are now… no… when I was young everything was different… probably because I was different… but, yes, I think a lot of things where really different… At that time talking about being gay was impossible… you couldn’t even think about… I had friends… yes I had also a thing for someone of them... but they had their own life… girls, dating… and so on… at that time everybody was straight acting no matter if gay or not… was a general rule and you couldn’t even think to brake the rule… I used to keep out of my friends… yes, sometimes we went to the parties, sometimes to the cinema, but I didn’t like to stay with them too much… the less we used to know each other the less I was frightened about being detected… and being detected at that time was a very unpleasant affair…”
“Did you ever fall in love with someone?“
“Yeah… it happened… but he wasn’t a gay guy…”
“Too bad…”
“No! … I think if he had been a gay guy it couldn’t have been better… I think he loved me… his way, clearly… we spent a lot of time together… chatting about nothing on the phone… or in the car… I was happy… I think we where happy… something tender, honest, clear… something absolutely particular…”
“Did he know?”
“Certainly and there was no need to tell him anything… he told me that this way he was aware I had a better reason to love him really…”
“And now where is this guy? … I think he’s very extraordinary…”
“Yes, really he is… where? He went to Europe many years ago… he married, had children… I think now he’s happy…”
“But are you still in touch?”
“Yes, we are… I never call him but he calls me one or two times a week… and I think he’s happy to hear me…”
“How many years it lasted?
“It never came to an and, I think it will last all life long… when he married he didn’t stop to call me at least one or two times a week.. and so on for years… for his children I was something like an uncle… his wife was, I think, a clever woman…”
“Do you think he told his wife about you?”
“No… certainly he didn’t… not in order to hide something from his wife… no… only to avoid me to feel out of place…”
“Mike… is this story true?”
“Certainly…”
“I thought you could have created it for me… there’s something similar to my story with David…”
“Yes… wile I was speaking I taught the same… but no… the story is really true… and I can assure you that someway we where in love and we are even now… we where friends… but very best friends… you know when you feel the love of another person? …. Sometimes when he calls me we speak like lovers… as old as we are… he told me: I need you… I really need you… I was looking forward to this minutes of conversation… I really love you Mike… you know very well… Just next year he’s been seek for months and I flied to Europe because I thought he was going to die... he was affording a very bad time, in the hospital wit the oxygen mask, he wasn’t always conscious... when he was aware of himself he opened his eyes and looked straight at me and started crying ... I was there holding his hand and repeating: you’ll get out of all this trouble, I’m sure you’ll get out... and I was terribly afraid about my own words because they seemed too much inappropriate to a similar situation... I pried Lord not to get him away... it would have been terrible if he would have gone... but month after month he become more and more healthy and finally doctors told us he was ready to go home... Jason I think that was the better day for me... three weeks later I was newly at home… I think that someway my life was happy because of him… like now I’m happy because of you… You know? When someone loves you… then you became very different… then you are happy, no matter sex or whatever…. Love is love… “
“How are you Mike?”
“Fine thanks…”
“Did black clouds go away?”
“I think yes… Thanks… Jason… you have something really similar to my friend… he used to deal with me the same way… and you, David, are now experimenting something I knew many years ago… boys… I think you are really in love… like I was at that time… because if you are in love you are happy and I think you are really happy… Nothing is better than loving and being loved... “
“But when we’ll feel depressed with no one around to let us be happy... I think it would be hard to deal with our feelings... and I think you too feel at least just a little depressed without us... Mike... I noticed that you avoid every physical contact with us... isn’t it?”
“Yeah... it is...”
“I think you are worried not to scare us about something that could sound like something sexual... but... perhaps we might need also holding hands... “
“Jason... I don’t know what to say... perhaps you are right but I’m really not used to such things... there is something risky... I have to set rules and to follow what I stated... I’m not so sure about myself that I can fell free to hold hour hands... I’d like it very well... but I must keep the distance... avoid whatever could be too much involving... I have to keep my feelings under control... you have to trust me and I must respect my rules... you are for me something religious, something I have to warship... you are two guys that trust me... is there something more important? ... If I have to love you I have also to respect the rules...”
“Well... if that’s true why did you let us hag you?”
“That’s a different thing... I will never stop you... that’s very different... “
“And if I would hag you right here and now?”
“You have not to... it wouldn’t be something spontaneous... no I wouldn’t accept it... it could sound strange to me... it sounds strange to me...“
“Jason... tell Mike about what we where discussing last night...”
“Oh... “
“What is it?”
“Nothing important... just about the remote possibility you could ask for something more physical...”
“I don’t understand...”
“David told me if you had asked him something sexual he perhaps could have done it... and perhaps I would have done the same... it would be like a love exchange... something possible...“
“Jason... please hold your tongue... now... fortunately you are going to land to the university... far from me... and I think that this is the best thing in order not to get out of rules... This things are totally out... remember it’s not because you are much or less complying that I keep away from such things... it’s only by my choice... The fantasy is something very different from real life... I would never waste our friendship, or whatever it is, just to fulfil what is no more than a simple fantasy that I have better to keep for myself or even better to delete at all... and I think perhaps I’ll delete it at all, honestly I’m not yet at this point but I’m not so far from it... it’s a very difficult problem to deal with but our family, so to tell, it’s too much important and I’m really aware of it.”
“Mike... I apologise for my stupid thoughts...”
“ No! You don’t have to apologise for nothing at all... the problem is that this thoughts aren’t really so stupid... I think they are very important... but I have to tell you whatever I think about... remember, Jason... I think I can fell free to tell you whatever I have in mind only if you fell free to tell me whatever you have in mind... never avoid anything just because you think it could sound strange to me... And if you find out there is something I could hide from you because I think... I think you aren’t able to understand it... How could you react? No! Nothing to hide... no more... we... you and me have a lot of experience about hiding something from people... we never have to hide something form each other... it’s not a question of kindness or urbanity... no! Nothing similar between us... we have to feel with each other just as we feel with ourselves... I don’ know what you think about but now I’m experimenting a freeing sensation... nothing to hide... speak clearly abut everything... and then, I’m an older man end you are young guys but I have to consider you exactly as I consider myself, you aren’t too much young to understand me... no! You are able to understand everything... good or bad... I was going to add “at least I think you are able”... but not! Such expression would mean that perhaps you are not... and now I’m aware you really are... and I think you have to think that I’m able to understand whatever you cold tell me... otherwise there could be no love at all, no friendship, nothing at all... We have to trust each other otherwise we have better take each his own way... isn’t it?”
“Mike... now you can get angry, if you like, but I have to tell you that I feel a little... I don’t know how to say... too strange, too inappropriate... shortly too stupid... David pretends he’s asleep ... and I feel so stupid because I told you what we told each other last night... I had better to keep everything for me... because he’s pretending to sleep... this way he lets me explore the ground... and you, Mike, are just too much assertive... I can appreciate what you told me, but I think something sensual is too much necessary to love someone, but it seems you don’t care about it at all... David and I aren’t lovers... yes, but we have some physical contact... isn’t it David? David... wake up! ... sometimes he hags me or holds my hand or caress my hair... not too much... never too much... but he knows I need it and he does it for me... I know very well that such things are hard to take under control for him but nevertheless he knows I need it and he complies... Mike, don’t you understand me?
“Jason... oh my God... you are terrible... I can imagine how you can stress the poor David... and you are now making the same with me... No! ... You are wrong... there isn’t any theoretical problem... David is David and I’m Mike... you can obviously get in touch with him the way you like better, you are two young guys... you can build you life together... sex or whatever, you are searching for love and you’ll find it... but I’m and older man... boys... you can’t understand...”
“You told us just five minutes ego that there was nothing we weren’t able to understand... didn’t you?”
“Right... I did... Jason you are a little fox!... but why are we keeping on talking about sex or whatever... there are a lot of things to talk about...”.
“Are you worried about speaking about sex? ... yes... you are... that sounds strange to me, I’m not scared at all... probably I would never make love with a male but absolutely I’m not worried about sex discussions... but you are scared, Mike... I think you are...”.
“Jason... you are terrible and I’m looking forward to starting academic year... this way I could be safe and not worried at all... you are very terrible... but don’t you know that for an aged man such things are out of touch... don’t you understand what’s the difference? ... yes... right, you are young... David is young... but I’m not... we are gay all the three of us but nevertheless our life is very different, my sun is going to set down... and you are going to start... do you know the difference? ... became and old man... dealing everyday wit the idea of getting ill... of being able to face the death... that’s what you don’t understand at all... you only think about sex or not sex... sorry, about love... oh... yes... it’s much more high level matter... but you never think that time flows and you can’t stop it... I was young years ago but I’m no more... what’s my future? the future I’m going to really face? ... do you understand what I’m trying to tell you? ...”
- “Somehow... perhaps... but... perhaps I don’t really understand... really... I think I don’t understand at all... probably it’s impossible... well... I feel stupid pretending I can understand... but neither you are able to understand us... perhaps you remember something that happened to you years ago... but sex isn’t eventually your real fife now... that means it’s not your real life... because what was real in the past is no more real now... perhaps neither love is your real life now... I think I’m too rough but it’s what I have in mind just now... sorry Mike... I wasn’t allowed... sorry...”
- “... Jason... I don’t know what to say... I’m really perplexed... probably you are right and I can’t even feel something similar to love... because I’m too much deep in my thoughts... too much selfish... I’m pretending that I love you but perhaps I’m very far from all this... I thought it by myself... you entered an open door... you probably are right... well... and then? What to do next... so are things... good... I only have to accept... I can’t change anything.”
- “I think you can... something at least... certainly you can... “
- “I don’t understand... is there something I missed?”
- “No... but I have to ask a question...”
- “Go ahead...”
- “Not now... if I need it... could I touch you? Hag you? Take you hand? ... This way you can’t even think whether I could like it or not... it would be my choice, only my choice...”
- “Obviously you can make everything you like... but I’d like better not... you have nothing to experiment... I love you... at least I try...”
- “Yes, right, but you take it as a must... and this sounds strange to me... you aren’t really free, you don’t even feel free... and I have to say I’m not totally at ease with you... I feel like you where keeping me away... I don’t like the idea of scaring you... But you could make something better for us not keeping us away ... because you do... you really do... with love... with care at least, but you really do... Did you ever thought about taking my hand or David’s, to hag us tightly, to make us feel you really exist... yes... it would be more difficult to deal with all that stuff but we don’t mind at all...”
- “Jason... no... perhaps you can understand, perhaps you can’t even tolerate my behaviour that probably seams to you something that comes from fear or whatever... but I have to go on this why... I must to go on this way... you are a couple... really you are... I’m a friend... a gay friend... a gay old friend... and if I have to preserve this strange kind of love I must keep on this way... no matter what your feelings could be now... no... we must work for the future, for your future, probably also for mine... but it’s different... it’s very different... Jason, if I had found guys like you when I was young, things would have been different... but I didn’t ... if it had happened probably my life would have been completely different... but nothing similar happened... that time was time of fear... of lonelyness ... do you understand how your freedom, how little you can consider it, is different from the absolute closeting of that times? But that years where my years... and now my time could never restart... “.
“Why are you holding our youth against us? What did we against you? We too will come to face oldness if God wants, if now we are young you can’t blame upon us... can’t you discover what’s common between us? ... I think there’s a lot in common, why are you trying to emphasize your oldness... to hold you oldness against us?”.
“Jason... you probably can’t even understand how difficult it could d be for Mike to deal with all the situation... no... we have to understand... and now we aren’t able to... it will take time... I think college is really a good idea... just in order to accept ourselves... we have to experiment what it could be to need Mike ... and he has to do the same with us... we have to get used to each other... step by step... we too have to learn how to love him... and to use to much words isn’t useful, to build a lot of thoughts, of theories of abstract reasoning could only distress us ... understanding has noting to do with thoughts, to understand is a matter of love, not of brain... Mike... why are you still? Did we hurt you?”
“I have nothing to hold against you... nothing at all... neither my oldness... and, right, chatting a lot about such questions may only unnerve you... you are right... it’s no more really than speaking only about myself what as nothing to do with love... I’m not used to love tings... but I have to learn... really it will take its time... but... I don’t think that your going to the college will help... no... to get used to each other we need to stay together... to feel free... to make mistakes... just as I did two minutes ago... I’m not perfect, I’m a real man, with a lot of... how could I tell you... with a lot of doubts, ob ambiguities, I’m selfish... I’m really selfish like people used to loneliness, I never had children, or relatives at all..., only myself... and you to deal with an older man like I’m is very boring... I’m what I’m... yes, selfish, why not... and you have to take me like I’m... You can reproach me, if you have to, but never be angry with me... I can make a lot of mistakes... but a can’t help it...”
“...”
“Jason... how are you?”
“I feel really strange... I had in mind that it could have been easier than that... I feel like a stupid who presumes to understand everything and isn’t even able to really let you tell what you have in mind... I feel like a stupid boy... Mike I would never...”
“Stop! ... No! you have nothing to add? Did you hear what David told just now? ... Never too much words... I love you Jason... you have to take it for granted... and now you have to think only about college... you have to get rid of all the thoughts that aren’t about college... you can take everything else for granted... I’m just waiting for you to come back home graduates ... right Jason?”
“Right... but I’m afraid I couldn’t achieve the goal... I think it could be too much difficult for me...”
“Nothing is too much for you... David and I will support you anyway...”
“But I’m scared all the same...”
“No matter scared or not you have to face all the problems college will imply... and let me tell you clearly: all the students face the same problems and all of them are scared starting college... you aren’t going to start nothing such strange or difficult... it’s a normal thing for guys you age... isn’t it?!
“Right... it is... “.
Our journey was going to the end, we went out of the highway and ten minutes after we entered the campus...
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