Thursday, April 29, 2010


Hello Project,
thank you for having wasted all of that time with me, i wouldn't ever have expected that. At last, speaking with you caused me a strange effect, it brought me back in time.
They've been so many years that my experiences are the opposite of what you say on your blog, or at least they were so. Even if now I'm 40, I guess I have never used my brain, stupid things made by me in the past are a lot and even big for the most, and we talked about them the last night, but the most foolish thing I did, was for me to try to put my ego always on top, on the centre. I started to wander around those places and environments you dislike when I was pretty young, and I felt I was free and over all everything was simply. You do know that I took The Exam and it resulted negative; i'm going to take another test the next three months, but I really am not afraid if it will be positive, because for the past year I've been so careful. I've been lucky, but it's not the same for a friend of mine that got it. I think that what brought back my mind to work was this one. I see myself in that guy, and I won't leave him alone. Speaking of me, I feel like I was in a weird situation, as if everything I felt in the past made me able to understand those guys that live an extreem life as it had been mine.
Sometimes I think I could leave everything apart (except my job because I need it to live my life) and dedicate my life to the guys like me. I started to do things that made me kidded by others. I attended gay pubs and "harassed" guys and if they were really in troubles i tried to make them reason by telling them how I had been living and everything I told you. Some of them told me that I had to become friar. Some guys when being aware that I didn't want to have sex with them thought I was mad. It has been so the most of times (a dozen of times in total) just in one case it happened in a different way, precisely with a 20 years old guy, who was really lost (addicted by drugs also) and was trying anything to throw out his life.
In his house there was noone, ever,  and noone was looking for him. At school he was a failure. When I first met him, he was attending the fifth class (last year of high school in italy - e.n.) for the second time because he had been fired. Project, you won't believe me but meeting this guy has been the "turning point" of my life. Until 37, I had been living in the worst scruffiness, the only serious thing in my life was my job, but I had been wasting all I possessed and the whole of what I didn't to spend every night in pubs looking for guys andI had lost the count. If you had seen my home you surely would have been scared of what you could have found in it, rubbish and mould everywhere, sheets dirty like crap, honestly I said everything I had to. Then I met him, Marco (fake name). He told me about terrible matters, almost always and only about death and inadequacy, he thought he hadn't a reason to still live. Sometimes I thought he could be able to commit suicide, because of how much despair his eyes were full of. I invited him to my home, he came in guessing the reason was sex, i guess he did so because of his past experience, I was attracted by him and I felt a bit of temptation, no a lot of it, but I resisted and I played a role between the elder brother and the serious friend. At the end of the day he asked me if I could let him stay for the night, so I spent the time til 2 am  to clean "his" room (my house has 2 rooms), i worked like a slave and even washed the floor (that had been like that for a year); initially he observed me, but then he helped me out.
We filled 10 sacks with rubbish, we cleansed the place of all the dust and I gave him the only clean sheets I found- He wanted to sleep with the doors open. The next morning when I woke up he was still asleep (at 6.00 am al least), I told him I was going out and buy some milk and he answered by whining. When I got home, he had already waken  and was washing the bathroom. He asked me "Who lives here with you?" and when I answered "noone" he asked me to let him stay. I answered positively, I gave him some money because he hadn't and I got to office. When i came back at 5.00 pm I found him busy for all the work, the house was bright as a mirror, he had done several washing and even cooked. It was the end of july, in september the school was going to begin but he didn't want to study by all means and if I tried to speak about that matter he didn't answer me so I had to blackmail him "If you want to stay you must study, otherwise you'll have to leave!". At first he answered me with bad words, then he told me that he wouldn't be able to understand the subjects because he was stupid.
In the evening we started to make projects about the school, he seemed perplexed but not annoyed.
He wanted to make love with, he said that he felt like it was a spontaneus feeling and this event made me baffled so I told him I had no faith in him and that we had to have the test (hiv) at first and then again because of the window period; he accepted it as answer and didn't say anything about the subject. The evening we watched the TV, me on the armchair and him lying on the sofa laughing sometimes and I won't ever forget the way he smiles.
The next day I went to his school and took the modules for his subscription and when I returned home he gazed at me surprised and told me "So you were serious!". He never left home, I thought he soon or late would have had the need of visiting those pubs again but he never did, he never asked me for money also. After a week that was his home also.
So, project, he will have the maturity exam soon. I went to school and talked with his teacher telling them I was his uncle (not true) and Marco receives good marks and I guess he will go to the university. He still lives with me, he has been the best thing ever happened in my life, and I hope he  finds a nice guy that will love him because I'm afraid that he will grow fond of me too much. I'm half scared of and I half wish it. Now no pubs for me and  him either.
In my life I had sex with many guys and never with Marco, even so, I love him so much and I feel loved.
I don't know if ours his a gay couple or an association of desperate people but he is the most wonderful thing in my life.
Now I know what loving a guy is, before I had never known it. Before I thought that love and sex were the same thing but then I understood that it's not like it.
Project, this is the story I started to tell you yesterday and you've been the only trusting  me!
Thank you Project! I wander about what would have happened if I had noticed about GayProject 20 years ago...

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