It happened to me several times in recent times to talk to young people between 20 and 30 y. o. who experienced doubts about their sexual orientation but in a very particular context seriously characterized in terms of heterosexuality.
I’m talking about guys now out of adolescence, substantially young men who have certainly an emotional and sexual hetero life and have a girlfriend not just for show, I do not say they had a girlfriend but they have a girlfriend and talk about her how a straight guy talks about a girl he is in love with in earnest sense, both emotional and sexual, but not only, I’m talking about guys who have a sexual history, from the beginning of the adolescence up to 19-20 years or so, completely devoid of episodes that can make think of a repressed homosexuality in the past or even in the present.
An important element concerns the masturbation that is never in gay key but is not always in straight key because masturbation begins to manifest itself at least in a certain percentage as a mere physical fact, completely detached from sexual fantasies. For these guys masturbation with hetero fantasies remains satisfactory but the frequency of only physical masturbation without fantasies comes also to 60/70%, which means that masturbation almost completely lost its projective sentimental value, in these cases, we talk of mechanical or affectless masturbation.
These guys have no problems to speak explicitly about their sexuality and they do so not neurotically but at the same time rationally and spontaneously. In theory, there is no indication in their sexuality related with a gay repressed identity, dealing with the girls they have no particular problems and live the typical sexuality of a heterosexual couple in a genuine affective dimension. In the lives of these guys, however, there have been not negligible incidents that conditioned them. These episodes are derived from the need to find answers that are not found in ordinary life because of an environment in which to talk seriously about sexuality is virtually impossible, sex education is totally delegated to the peer group and in fact to the pornography and the development of sexuality is taken for granted as a necessary evolution of a natural instinct.
It seems incredible but still in the twenty-first century there is the taboo of masturbation, which is seen as a phenomenon strictly related with adolescence that must be overcome as soon as possible through couple sexuality. This idea, which has no basis if not a preconception of very old origin, still creates situations of distress in guys who, despite having a girl and having a sex life with her as far as possible, continue to practice masturbation.
Here, the guilt have nothing to do with religion but depends on the idea of not being able to be sexually adults, that is not to settle for couple sexuality, what, among other things, for a variety of environmental conditions, for many straight guys is not a very frequent thing. For a guy it’s not easy to talk about these things and of course it is not easy in particular to talk about with his girlfriends, here comes the desire to know less superficially about the sex lives of other guys, to understand how they live the relationship between masturbatory sexuality and couple sexuality.
For a straight guy the first place to look for comparison with other straight guys should be a straight chat and here misunderstandings begin to arise. In a straight chat a straight guy should go to look for girls. There are really girls on the straight chats but not so many and the ones that are there are also the subject of attention of several young guys. It happens, and it is not uncommon, that a straight guy in a straight chat, looks for a comparison with other straight guys to talk to them about sexuality on condition of anonymity, assuming that in a straight chat there are only straight guys in the strict sense, which is very far from reality.
It often happens that straight chats are frequented by gay guys, or at least guys who have sex with guys. These gay guys using words and arguments typically straight try to engage straight guys in atmospheres that have nothing hetero at all. A tangible example: if I meet a “straight” guy in chat and he asks me to masturbate with him in video thinking of a girl or to understand how I react in front of a girl that he likes a lot, the alarm bell should sound, such behavior is not a typically straight behavior. The excuse is usually that masturbating together is something that all straight people do, which is absolutely false, and that if one is influenced by these things it means that he is gay, or he has a small penis, etc. etc.. These arguments often come to win inhibitions and, today, to find “straight” guys who masturbate together on “straight” video chat is not at all uncommon.
It may happen that actually strongly repressed gay guys come to gay sexuality searching unconsciously for gay sex on a straight chat and this mechanism of justification is quite efficient: I’m not looking for gay sex but for comparisons with other straight guys! In such situations you arrive earlier or later to understand the true meaning of what you are doing, but if a guy really “straight” arrives on a “straight” chat and gets involved in masturbation in cam with guys alleged “straight”, the situation is complicated because the straight guy will automatically be brought to see himself as a potential gay, that kind of experience that in his eyes is or was “straight” convince him that for a straight guy it is or it can be really normal to masturbate with another guy and he would like to repeat the experience, which often accompanies a growing interest in sexuality or rather in the guy’s sex, which increases the confusion.
In these situations, after masturbation a straight guy feels deeply guilt towards his girlfriend and the feeling of having thrown away his sexuality ends up producing situations violently ambivalent, on the one hand masturbation on cam attracts because paradoxically it qualifies the straight guy as a “normal hetero” because “everyone does it” but on the other rejects because it causes heavy guilt.
Behind all this lurks the specter of being perhaps gay and are not uncommon neurotic responses to the uncertainty of the sexual orientation as sexual experiments to verify the sexual orientation itself, in practice these are ways to test, to verify the sex response but are nevertheless neurotic mechanisms that have nothing to do with the spontaneous sexuality, and that because of their neurotic origin never provide reliable answers or definitive. I note that all this talk is strictly sexual and affection is entirely absent.
Let us ask ourselves for a moment who are “gay” guys who go into straight chats to induce guys to masturbate on cam, the answer is one, are not “real” gay guys i.e. guys who love guys but only guys who have sex with guys and do not fall in love with them. These guys tend to convey an image of homosexuality only sexual because for them the emotional involvement does not really exist and they may also be considered somehow straight and have an emotional hetero sexuality, but certainly they do not have an emotional gay sexuality.
A straight guy who impacts these people ends up considering himself gay because he masturbated on cam with guys and ignores completely the affective dimension that is essential in defining sexual orientation. There are so many guys who have sex with guys for a lot of reasons: game, comparison, etc., but all this does not make those guys gay, and even less a guy emotionally and sexually hetero should feel potentially gay for thinking that masturbating in video with other guys is a way to compare with them.
The risk of sexual disorientation due to the use of video chat does really exist and real addictions can start which is good detox from as soon as possible to return to an affective sexuality and a projective emotional masturbation that allows you to relive and anticipate the emotional experience of sexual couple contact. It happens more and more often to talk in chat with straight guys genuinely and deeply conditioned by the idea of being gay because they had lived some experience “just sexual” that in their eyes is clearly gay, but when you see that to those experiences is associated only guilt without any emotional involvement it’s evident that “just sexual” experiences are sexual experiments of neurotic origin that have nothing to do with spontaneous sexual orientation.
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