Wednesday, December 12, 2012


Hello Project,
my name is Jake, it’s not a pseudonym, I am the son of an American father and an Italian mother, my mother was from Milan (unfortunately she died three years ago), my father is from Baltimore. I studied in a Catholic boarding school in Baltimore until I was 13 years old, living practically always there. My father is even now a manager and he never had time to spend with me. My parents never went over well then, when I was 13 years they divorced and I have been entrusted to my mother and I went to live in Milan. I went also to high school in Milan and graduated there. Now I am 34 years old. I recovered a little my relationship with my father when I was 30 years old when my mother became ill. He did everything to help my her, he took her to the U.S. and made the best specialists visit her. He has been close to her until the end even though they were divorced. Not only he had a dignity, but he behaved with me unexpectedly, he was then 62 years old and I think he realized what it means to have a child. I told him openly that I was gay and he was going to cry, he was glad that I trusted him to the point of saying such a thing. Now he is 66 years old and is going to retire, he will leave his job in July. He has no one in U.S. and I think he will come to live in Milan because my mother has bequeathed to him her apartment in Milan (the divorce of my parents was really a bit strange!).
I understood I was gay in my last year in Baltimore, between 13 and 14 y. o., when I fell in love with another guy who was in college with me, but then I came to Italy. The first months I was in Italy were terrible, my Italian was terrible and at school my friends were saying things I was not able to understand exactly and I did not dare to ask in order to get more explications. Physically I was not like others. I am kind of very English, not a Californian guy, I’m very tall and very thin and not at all muscular. At school I was very marginal and did not do well. My mother tried to do everything but it was not easy. I was good in English and bad in Italian. Then slowly, reading a lot and being with my teammates I began to understand the language better and my problems became more and more easier to overcame.
I was about 16 y. o. old and was attending the third year of high school when I took my first strong crush for a guy who had arrived that year and was clearly straight, but nevertheless I was in love with him. From then until the end of high school and over, I thought that that guy would become gay due to the fact that I loved him. He was very friendly with me and treated me very well, but for him girls were too much important. We studied together often. Spending an afternoon beside him, shoulder to shoulder and do the math together, for me, was both a torture and the thing I wanted most. I longed to see him naked but it never happened, not because it was impossible, but because I was convinced that such things would have soiled the love I felt for him. Maybe I was too idealistic, but at that time I reasoned that way. After high school I saw him only a couple of times, then he got married at the age of 24 and I went to his wedding, with a bit strange feelings but I went there.
Then there was the Polytechnic. I am now a civil engineer but I’ve never been too good at science. The engineering degree was certainly not my biggest dream, but my mother worked in that area and I would find an excellent accommodation. The problem was to get a degree. At first I sat down to cry of despair on the exercises of analysis and geometry. I learned things mechanically but understanding very little. Then, coincidentally, just before Christmas, a guy asked me to take the place also for him in the morning for classes, which were very crowded, I did so and from there was born a story, the most important story of my life and at the same time the most conditioning. His name was Henry, an average guy, not beautiful, but at 20 also an average guy looks beautiful! We started studying together. He was a monster of brain! He was able to understand things that I could never understand. So in the morning we attended classes together until 14.00, then lunch together and then study together until ten o’clock in the night and beyond. He pulled like a tractor, he would not let me lose a second, I struggled a lot at the beginning, but I knew that if I had not worked hard to be at his height I would have lost him, because he could not waste time without exams. Well, I got 24/30 in analysis, my first exam, he got 30/30, but, I confess, I was not jealous, then, after the first exam came the second. I was recuperating. My grades were always lower than his, but the difference decreased. Then, after a long time, an examination of topography, I got more than him and I loved his reaction: he was happy for me, he was not envious.
To realize that I was in love with him it took me two years and a half. At first I was too stressed out by the university and the hamletic doubt “Is he gay or he’s not?” always came back to my mind. I’ll make it short. We graduated in the same session, for two years we went on holiday together, we continued seeing each other even after we had found a job, often spending Sundays together. He never, never, talked about girls! I do not tell you about ruminations I did on these signals. The relationship between us was excellent, just like two brothers, but even more. I went back and forth a thousand times between the idea of telling him explicitly that I was in love with him and the idea of leaving it all up.
One day he came to me with an air of mystery and sentimental confession and told me that he was going to tell me a very important thing that I absolutely had to know. I thought it would finally come to the point, instead he told me he was about to get married because his girlfriend was pregnant. I passed from riches to rags, but I had to prove my enthusiasm and hugged him so tight that rose him from the ground, he was beaming really, I was pretending to be happy, but world works this way. I have been also the best man at his wedding.
Inside of me I thought I was doomed to fall in love just with straight guys. That’s enough! No more hetero guys! So I decided at about 26 or 27 y. o. to throw myself completely into the gay world: gay chats, gay dating sites, communities and so on, I filled out all my ads. I was determined to try. I thought, but hey, guys my age have a love life (and even a sex life) and what do I do? It’s not fair! I’m wasting the best years of your life! I began to get responses to my ads, Project, what a squalor! People who put fake photos, boys who only know how to say ass and cock, men aged 50 who think they are 20 y. o., people broken out which are quite crazy. I’ve met some fifty of these people in couple of years, I found only one of them quite normal but I think he was a minor pretending to be an adult, I asked him to show me the identity card but he did not want to let me see it. I said: but you’re a young boy, but what are you doing on these sites? And he answered me one thing that put me in crisis, he said: and you then, what are you doing? Then I invited him to dinner. He thought that we would go to bed, but I told him that maybe I was not on those sites for the reason that he had thought, and I took him back to his house, when he got out he gave me a very strong handshake. Now, after so long, occasionally he sends a message. Let’s say it was the most beautiful story I have experienced in recent years. So we arrived between my 28 and 29. I was a virgin, and so I’m now and I’m not afraid of that because having sex with shabby people just to see what it is, it’s not really something I want. In practice, until this year I have continued to live the sex as I lived it when I was 16 y. o., then that is not too bad and at least you certainly don’t get in trouble catching diseases.
And now I come to the last part of the story. In my project group of Civil Engineering, three months ago, arrives Mark (let’s call him this way) a young 31 y. o. engineer beautiful as the sun, I can just say so, and I start to go back into the flask. In practice Mark, for me, at the official level, is just a work colleague, our relationship is strange halfway between formal (shy) behavior and subliminal messages. Mark has invaded my brain and dominates even the smallest spaces. I think of him at all the day, I feel very strong feelings for him as I have never felt for anyone else. I have to wear always very wide clothes because just thinking of him makes me to get a hard-on, I don’t tell you when I’m close to him. Project, now I’m really in trouble. Mark will be the third straight guy I fall in love with? I would not for no reason that it was so, because I think that for me this is the last train. Or Mark or no one at all! He has nothing to do with guys of gay sites, he’s very careful about what he does and what he says to never pass the border but has some hesitation, some breaks certain ways of sighing just a little while talking, some small facial movements and in some very special moments that can only be gay.
Apart from the trivial. No rings, no familiarity with the office girls, no private problems at work, but he flashes you (accidentally?) certain looks that make you dry, and steal your soul. Project, it’s about three months that I’m back in anguish. I do not know what to do, have I invite him to my house, alone or with other people? I’d invite him to come to the pool with me, I’d certainly do, but then I do not do so at all and when I’m in front of him I feel totally embarrassed and treat him in a formal way and I would not absolutely.
Then there’s just a very private question I’d like to talk with you about me and this guy because something sexual happed between us and I felt a terrible embarrassment for what he may have felt, I really wanted to disappear. Now he behaves as if nothing had happened and this worries me even more, but for that I would like to talk in private. My contact is [omitted]. Just add me and I’ll call you.
A hug. Jake
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