ABSENT FATHER AND GAY SON

Hello Project,
I read a few pages of your blog, those dedicated to parents of gay guys and opened my eyes to many things, but I wish I had a chance to talk a bit with you because I think it can help me to find the right path. I confine myself here only to mention my situation, then if you want, we can deepen privately.

I am 46 years old and have been married for 21, my wife is 44. We have only one son, I’ll call him Luke, he is now 18 and will make exams to enter university the year that is about to begin. I can state that my family life was never quiet. At first the relationship with my wife was good, Luke was born and everything seemed to go the right way. I’ve never been too expansive, it is true, but I thought I had a serious relationship with my wife, then my in-laws started to interfere between me and my wife, they come from a level socially and economically upper than mine, they put in mind of my wife that the relationship he had with me was not the best and that she deserved much more. etc.. Misunderstandings begun to appear, always amplified by the in-laws (I already had lost my parents). My wife started dating with an old friend of hers who was not married, I couldn’t accept such a behavior but she was not interested in my reactions.

When Luke was 4 years old, my wife asked for a separation. I did not want to because of my son. The apartment where we lived belonged to my in-laws. I told her that I would not have allowed a consensual separation because she wanted to be with his friend and it was just that the reason for the separation. Actually, I think the real reason was that she felt frustrated for having married a man like me, who was clearly not up to it. We were still living together but it was just unbearable.

We ended up in court, she and her parents had a lot of money to prevail against me, I had had not the slightest thought to procure evidence of her relationship with her friend because I hate such things, she denied everything and the lawyers described me to the judge as a shamelessy husband and a psychopath father who had made it all up just to take away his son to his wife.

Result: she obtained the custody of Luke, I had to leave my home and I had to also ensure the maintenance of my son. I went to live in a small apartment far from the center and from where I was working and I had to spend hours and hours on trams, because I did not even have a car. I saw my son occasionally and only for short periods, only a few hours at most for an afternoon, I thought that I was going to loose my son and he was acquiring the mentality of my wife and of my father in law, he would always ask me too much expensive things, I thought that while he was with me he felt in exile out of its golden paradise.

This act of plagiarism has been going on until Luke was about to turn 16 years, then at a certain point I realized that something was changing. When he turned 16 years I gave him an old style leather soccer ball, it was the best I could do. He was happy and told me something that I never would have imagined, he asked me to take him to my house.

Because when we spent the afternoon together, we were not ever in my house, a terrible mess reigned everywhere, as can be the home of a man who never has a free moment to keep the house clean. Luke, with my great embarrassment, saw that his pictures were everywhere, then said, “Dad, here we do need a little cleaning!” It was the first time he called me dad! We did twice our laundry and then we hung out, he wanted us to go to a soccer field in clay that is near my house to try the ball, he had to kick penalty kicks and I had to save; and he kicked strongly. It was the first time I really felt the presence of my son. Playing football he became all dusty and ruined his shoes but he said with a smile: “Well! Better so!”

Then I took him back by his mother but I didn’t get upstairs home with him as I used to do, we hugged each other (for the first time) near the door of the house of my wife. Over time things went better, the fact that I did not have money not only was not a problem but somehow he saw it as a merit.

About a year ago he began to make a speech that I wouldn’t have expected, he told me that after the age of majority he would not stay with his mother because there were always misunderstandings that he thought would never heal, then, speaking in general, he told me that according to his mother he was a bit neurotic and she would make him to go, almost by force, by a psychologist, a friend of hers, but he added, “No one will ever do me a brainwash!”

On the same day that he turned 18 he called me and told me he would come home at 16:00. I have been waiting, I did not know exactly what would happen, but he came with a bag and in practice remained by me. The night he said: “I need to talk seriously” and he told me he was gay, that his mother had discovered it and had done everything to change his mind, starting with the economic blackmail up to the social marginalization.

I asked if he had a boyfriend and he told me that he currently was not in love with anyone, but he had taken a “serious crush” for a mate probably heterosexual. I said to my son that I was so happy that he trusted me up to that point. I was about to cry and I could not say a single word. He was the one who hugged me strongly this time, then took my head in his hands and said, “I guess I’m very lucky!”

The next day we went to Ikea and bought a sofa bed to be put in the hall , so that he could have a little privacy. In my project, the room would be for him and I would remain in the hall, but he was irremovable about the room and I had to stay there.

My wife has started divorce proceedings and this for me is liberating. When we were together by the lawyer, the lawyer himself insinuated that I had taken away my son to his mother playing on the fact that he is gay because I had promised to let him have sex freely in my house with his friends.

I swear on my head that my son told me that is gay only after he turned 18, and that things such as those spoken by the lawyer never crossed my mind, however my wife didn’t refrain at all from telling the lawyer the private affairs of her son, completely deforming them, in order to win the case, what I consider shameful and odious.

However, from now on there will be very little contacts with my wife. As for my son, now I know him better, I know he’s a good guy who has not been corrupted by money. Project, I need to understand what it means to be seriously gay because I have a gay son, and now I want to be a father as it should, because my son loves me and this is for me the best time of my life.

Sincerely [signed letter]

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