I collect here some reflections on gay sexuality; things are very general but in practice can help focus the basics.
The word “homosexuality” emphasizes the sexual dimension and, in this manner, averts from a realistic view of homosexuality that is not a sexual behavior but a form of love.
Homosexuality is the tendency to fall in love and create emotional and sexual relations with persons of the same sex, it’s a natural variant of human sexuality which covers about 8% of the population, both male and female, more or less in the same proportions.
Homosexuality is experienced with discomfort, or rather is not lived in the fullness of his human value, when one of the two constituents, affectivity and sexuality, is deleted or underestimated.
The refusal of gay affectivity leads to live the homosexuality only at sexual level and to avoid any emotional involvement. In this way sexuality, expanding and becoming a pervasive value, tends to compensate the absent affectivity. Affective participation, which is the basis of satisfaction in an interpersonal relationship and also in a relationship involving sexuality, failing, takes away from sexuality its highest value and therefore its ability to be deeply rewarding.
The sublimation of sexuality, often related to forms of education that aims to restrain the physical dimension of the child or of the adolescent, transmitted through a never expansive adult behavior, removes from homosexuality, in a more or less marked manner, the physical drive or leads to live that drive with guilt, as if it could degrade love.
The rewarding experience of sexuality and therefore also of the homosexuality needs both components, i.e. both affectivity and sexuality.
Homosexual affectivity and sexuality are deeply influenced by education. In the countries of northern Europe, where homosexuality is a normal thing, the problems of non-acceptance are virtually non-existent, in the countries of southern Europe and in many other countries, even where there is no criminalization of homosexuality but still remains a widely homophobic mentality fueled by religion and by certain political groups, problems of non-acceptance of homosexuality are common and gay people are living in uncomfortable situations. Unfortunately, there are still countries where homosexuality is criminalized and this leads to hanging in the square guys even sixteen y. o.. In these countries is put in place a real extermination action in violation of the most basic human rights.
The sex education of adolescents and in particular of gay adolescents doesn’t even exist in Italy, at the institutional level, and is implicitly delegated to the church, but becomes in fact the prerogative of pornography, that is based on economic colossal interests that have nothing to do with the sex education and the sexual well-being of children and adults. Pornography ends up creating forms of sexual behavior that are deeply rooted in the minds of teenagers. Pornography emphasizes only the sexual component and tends to depress and devalue the affective component. A gay guy told me: “I prefer a thousand times a gay-themed film, perhaps with a minimum of sex than a porn. In a film, I see myself there, there’s a story, there are also feelings that I feel, in a porn it’s just sex that has little to do with reality”. Another guy said to me: “I see usually the first part of porn, where there is something that has a minimum of affective sense, then, when they begin to have sex with all their strength, I prefer to switch to something else, because it is always the same thing.”
A real relationship between two guys, both affective and sexual level, presupposes, as minimum, respect and personal-esteem based on a mutual and not superficial understanding. Without these assumptions it’s impossible to build serious human relationships of any kind.
Using sexuality, today, due to the awareness of the risks of sexually transmitted diseases, and of AIDS in the first place, rules of prevention are a top priority and imperative, both for self-respect and for respect of the other.
But beyond this in gay sexuality there are no obligations or rules of any kind, there aren’t patterns of behavior, there are no essential sexual practices or rituals or scripts of any kind required. We have to avoid the influence of prefabricated patterns of behavior of any kind and in particular of those derived from pornography.
Sexuality has a deep value only when it is really spontaneous. The couple sexuality must be constructed in couple, dealing as equals. Every forcing is always a sign of inadequacy or immaturity.
It is not uncommon for gay men to feel uncomfortable because they feel that their sexual desire does not match the models conveyed by pornography or the demands of the partners, this discomfort is based on the false assumption that gay sexuality should follow a script in which the behaviors are predefined. Indeed, the solution of the problems of sexual harmony is the typical test of the capacity of resistance of a couple. A solid couple finds “its” road to “its” sexuality just looking inside the couple itself and putting aside any fixed pattern of behavior.
Gay sexuality is not a substitute for, a draft, an analogue of hetero sexuality. A gay guy does not look at his boyfriend like a surrogate or a substitute of a girl, but is in love with his partner because he is a guy and the affection that led him to that guy assumes that they are just two guys and they move on a plane of absolute equality.
A love relationship, and therefore also a homosexual relationship, requires the utmost honesty with each other, i.e. always tell the other what you feel and what you think with total loyalty. Hide your own thoughts to your partner for fear of his reaction means fear him or consider him unable to a fair discussion, such things are a sign of a not equal relationship.
Satisfaction in sexuality doesn’t come from one or another specific sexual practice but by the fact that sexuality is lived with a deep emotional involvement.
Individual masturbation is an essential sexual activity that in adolescence contributes to structure adult sexuality creating stable associations between sexual fantasies and physiological reactions of erection and sexual arousal that are helping to set the personal sex archetypes that are the types and physical characteristics capable of inducing a physiological sexual response. Masturbation is not a child’s behavior or something related wit immature people. It’s on the contrary something that should be taken seriously and should be appreciated not reducing it for any reason to a way to “drain”.
Masturbation is not an adolescent behavior that can be overcome when you live as a couple, but it is a normal component of the sexuality that does not disappear but thins out when there is a stable couple life and is useful to keep sexually in touch with your partner when he is far away.
Masturbation is not a waste of time but, like all sexual activities, needs time, and must be done in a quiet condition and, possibly, without interruption. If masturbation is too fast, it leaves a feeling of dissatisfaction. In such things, appropriate times are fundamental. Masturbation is not and should not be a mechanical activity but must involve sexual fantasy in a profound way that should allow living or reliving, by the sexual fantasy, specific and strongly engaging sexual experiences.
Masturbatory fantasies, that are the fantasies that accompany masturbation, are the first indicator of sexual orientation. The differences between the masturbatory fantasies and the real sexual behavior of couples are one of the main signs of distress in the couple sexuality. A guy who has a partner but prefers to masturbate using porn rather than thinking about the sexuality that he lived with his partner, most likely lived not satisfying couple sexuality.
Affectivity and sexuality in a homosexual relationship always must go together. It is a common thing for example that even talking on the phone with your partner you get a hard-on, there would be something to worry about if it would not happen. It’s frequent, if both partners are far away, to masturbate together while on the phone or in cam, this is a way to keep alive even the sexual interest. It would be a symptom of serious discomfort if a guy, in the phone conversation with his partner was limited to only polite expressions and then would masturbate watching a porn on the net. In such a situation it is likely that there is no relationship at all.
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If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/viewtopic.php?f=16&t=9
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