GAY LOVE, MASTURBATION AND PHYSICAL SEXUALITY

This post is dedicated to a reflection on physicality of sexuality. Talking in chat with gay guys I often can see that for many of them physical sexuality is something rather clearly separated from affectivity and that sexuality, considered on the basis of categories very different front those used in affective life, ends up to create discomfort and often also heavy discomfort. It is not uncommon to find a trend towards the radical myth of physical sexuality or towards the total rejection, more or less aware, of the physical sexuality. Of course between the two extremes there is a complex range of intermediate positions in which physical sexuality is more or less integrated in a real emotional dimension, but the trend toward the myth of physical sexuality or towards its sublimation/removal is still widely present. let’s consider separately the two behaviors.

Myth of physical sexuality

The mythical value of physical sexuality in the life of a guy is related to his experience of living sexuality through the masturbation. Masturbatory fantasies foreshadow the couple’s physical sexuality, the more masturbatory fantasies are intense and “unilateral” the greater is the weight of the myth of physical sexuality. I emphasize the word “unilateral” because in practice for a gay guy, especially if he lives in a closed context, it’s practically impossible to find a form of serious dialog on these issues, therefore sexuality or ends up being oriented only by pornography and so becomes mostly imitative, or ends up being built on the basis of self-interpretations of sexual or para-sexual experiences, such as those that take place in the locker room of gyms or swimming pools. The lack of serious debate on the contents of masturbatory fantasies of the other guys drives a guy to consider his own fantasies as the unique and universally spread gay sexuality, that is to believe that all gay men have sexual fantasies similar to his. With this mechanism, in the absence of any possible verification, is rooted more or less consciously, the idea that couple sexuality is almost a meeting “with a guy exactly like me” in order to live the masturbatory fantasies at couple’s level. Then, when these fantasies are more or less conform to the models that pornography presents, the belief that one’s view of couple sexuality is the true model of gay sexuality is rooted even more strongly.

It should be noted that sexuality depicted in pornography is not a mirror of a free sexual reality on the contrary it depicts a sexual reality based on the models spread by the pornography itself. It is obvious that for the pornography the myth of physical sexuality is essential and the sheer sex is presented as the maximum of satisfaction and pleasure quite apart from any emotional involvement. On these things are based movements of large amounts of money to blow your mind. I should add that in the vast majority of cases, the model coming from pornography also dominates in sex chats and dating sites in which the assumption of the myth of physical sexuality understood as the “true sexuality” is constantly present.

To talk about sexuality in a serious way, to understand how other guys truly live sexuality, to realize that the satisfaction you feel in sexuality stems not only from its physical dimension but also from the affective dimension which is the basis of a real physical sexuality means demythologizing physical sexuality presenting gay love for what it is, i.e. a deep emotional contact which involves even physical sexuality in order to improve the affective communication. The emotional maturity of a guy but also of an adult man is assessed by his ability to maintain a balance between the components of the affective life and by his adequacy to manage a partnership focusing on the emotional personality of the partner as a whole. I limit myself to a single example: being able to stay close to your boyfriend when he feels uncomfortable or lives a hard time creating a form of affective solidarity can have really a profound significance, it is a form of presence that has nothing explicitly sexual but shows the interest toward the other person as a whole and the desire to build a life together.

Sublimation and removing physical sexuality

Despite the lower stiffness of the sexual costume that has emerged in recent years, the sublimation and removal of physical sexuality by gay gays, and also by gay men, is still widely present. It ranges from cases of genuine and radical removal which also includes the rejection of masturbation in cases where the physical masturbatory sexuality is lived very guilty as transgression while the possibility of a couple sexuality is completely removed.

In such situations it’s easily shown that physical sexuality is considered as a negative value, as something that destroys “real” emotional relationships i.e. those sublimated. Let’s consider these sentences about masturbation:
” Thinking of him, I never did it because I seem to sully him or use him for something not positive.”
“I try to avoid but since I cannot I only do in a mechanical way. I do not want to think about him while I do, he don’t deserve such things.”
“I cannot masturbate thinking about the guy that I’m in love, I love him too much, it seems stupid, but for me it is very important, and then I think of a girl and it works, but it must be a girl I do not care, maybe I’d do also thinking about a guy, indeed I do, but not thinking about the gay I’m in love. “

From these statements it is clear that masturbation is seen as a transgression but not as a liberating transgression, but as an heavy guilt. There are typical situations in which the guilt associated with masturbation fantasies is stronger:
1) When it comes to married men who were deemed to be heterosexual for many years and who consider masturbation thinking about a guy like a form of marital betrayal.
2) When it comes to guys very much related to religion who see masturbation as a sin.
3) When it comes to guys which focus on great expectations on the part of the family. These guys are much loved but at the same time are very conditioned by the family, they see the gay fantasies while masturbating as a kind of betrayal of family expectations.
4) When it comes to guys who have grown up in conditions of strong emotional deprivation and in particular without the habit of emotional physical contact (hugging, kissing, cuddling) by parents.
5) When the masturbatory fantasies are oriented to people of very different age.
6) When the masturbatory fantasies are addressed within the family.

In such situations it is essential to realize that physical sexuality and masturbation have nothing pathological or immoral.

Wishes cannot be controlled and survival of taboos can be accepted in the sense that it may not be appropriate for the good of other people to manifest our feelings but not in the sense that we should feel guilty for those feelings or if we masturbate thinking about those people.

Physical sexuality, at least in terms of masturbation, is part of the ordinary daily life of the vast majority of people, therefore, even at statistical level, any a priori notation of pathological or immoral behavior must be removed.

Also about these things, it would be crucial to compare with other people and it would help to put aside fears and prejudices. It’s surprising how for many gay guys, even in the twenty-first century, it is difficult to accept the normality of masturbation and understand the positive impact it has in the emotional life of people, in terms of definition of sexuality and foreshadowing of a couple relationship.

Even today, the word “love” is often seen as disembodied, as the sublimation of sexuality, it’s like saying, “I can fall in love with a guy, I might love him with all my soul, but without sexual desire because my feelings are not sex but are only love.”

The sublimation of physical sexuality leads also to other thoughts substantially wrong, I report a single example: “For me, sexuality is not an important thing, I think I love my boyfriend even without sex, sex does not seem like a big deal, I would also have sex with him if I knew that for him it’s crucial, I think in the end I would adapt, however, is something that I would adapt to, something that I do not care.”

In these statements lacks the awareness that a loving/sex relationship should be equal. The idea that one partner can “sacrifice” for the benefit of the other is not acceptable. If there is not a true form of mutual sexual involvement also lacks a true loving relationship that is based on the idea of building something “together” through sexuality. It should be emphasized that many times the radical sublimation of physical sexuality is primarily a statement of principle, widely neglected in everyday life, which means that the guys “in words” deny the value of physical sexuality but when they will really be involved in emotional and sexual situations will end up quickly putting aside the idea of continuing to sublimate and remove sexuality and will live without any real problems.

The so called depressive removal deserves special attention. There are guys who tend to sublimate and remove physical sexuality for problems that are not related to sexuality but to more general problems of self-acceptance, often of remote familiar origin. Phrases like: “I will end up only ruining the life of another guy” “It’s as if I knew already that I’ll never have a boyfriend nor a friend”, “Have sex with me? But I have nothing that is worth falling in love with me. ” Among the guys who express themselves this way, some, few, fortunately, entirely reject dialogue and there is the risk that there could be behind a dimension of depression not easy to solve, but the vast majority while considering himself “a locked chest” search instead to establish a serious dialogue about the removed issues. I often get to talk for hours with guys who had declared as a premise that for them spontaneous and authentic dialogue was impossible. In these situations, I see clearly an attempt to create a relationship that will not get lost and I see that the things said are fixed in memory and are actually the object of reflection. Even with all the necessary caution, these guys want to be contradicted, want to seek out someone who can undermine their defense system. The dialogue is not only easy, but contradicting initial statements, is authentic and deeply wanted. These guys, who like to call themselves “guys without quality” often have a depth of thought and a willingness to comparison absolutely unique. Here, too, it makes sense to talk and discuss to overcome fears and to realize that there is a real dialogue. I note that often these guys, even if declare many taboos, are much more direct and more free than many others because their dialogue is a vital need for comparison. In these situations, the self-revaluation is fundamental and a serious dialogue is the most obvious sign of being accepted just because of your own personal value and appreciated for what it is. The dialogue has inevitably an emotional dimension and transmits confirmation and certainty non only through the content it addresses but mostly through the fact that dialog itself goes on and that is highly rewarding.

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