Monday, November 5, 2012


Hello Project,
I am 31 year old (I wanted to write a guy 31 y. o. but I had better to write a man 31 y. o. and I have not written neither guy nor man). I am writing to tell you that reading gay project sites helped me find my balance. I get to the fact. Now six years ago, when I was 25, so completely random, I happened to know a 21 year old guy. I felt gay from the beginning of the adolescence but for me being gay was limited to the imagination, a few videos and a little self-made sex. For me, the guys were just an object of fantasy; I had never met a gay guy. In practice, I thought it would always be so and somehow I had adapted to the situation, then, suddenly, he arrived. We met in July 14, 2007 at Vasco Rossi concert at the stadium of Conero (both of us are from Marche [an Italian region on the Adriatic sea]). There was a huge crowd that strobe lights on and off to the beat of the music. I notice him immediately, is a nice guy quite wild, I’m trying to figure out who are those of his group, I identify a couple, a guy and a girl, but they are on their way. At the very beginning of the concert were all clapping to the music, he too, on the contrary I was not, he looks at me and says, “Come on! Clap your hands you too! What are you waiting for? Rock out! “I look at him puzzled but smiling, he replies with a smile that I will never forget. The concert goes on; occasionally we exchange a few eyes and a few jokes. It’s just a wonderful guy or better if I had to dream about my ideal guy I would dream of someone just like him. He had come there with that guy and that girl but he was on his own. The game looks, though very prudent, became more apparent. The concert ends he goes by his friends and they exchange a few words, then he hags them and they leave. He asks me if I can give him a ride, I say, “Sure,” He says “It’s far, near Falconara, I say that there is no problem. We went out and got on the road. Stay in the car with him upsets me, he laughs, jokes, says absurd jokes, but I see that he is perfectly at ease. The trip is short, we were only talking about Vasco and the concert, then tells me to be an engineering student, I tell him that I should get a degree in medicine, but I think it will take almost two more years. The conversation is never personal. I accompany him near his house; I noted that my faculty is close to his home, we exchange phone numbers and a handshake absolutely non-formal. Then I go back home and think about how nice it would be to have such a guy so close. The next day (it was Sunday) he calls me early in the morning and asks me if I want to go to sea with him, I say yes and we set an appointment in front of a beach in Falconara. When he arrived, he (I’ll call him Luke) is already there, he brought along his guitar, I ask him if he plays, he says that strums, but then to hear him play I have to say that sounds pretty good. He carries a camping bag with sandwiches and drinks also for me. We take an umbrella and we lay on the sand. In swimsuit he is just beautiful but I know that I should not watch him too much. We then began to tell each other of our lives, we talked about everything but not about girls, no girls for him nor for me, friends yes, but rather superficially, both for him and for me. That a guy like him did not have girls was suspect. I avoided ask him specific questions, but a nice guy like him could have had all the girls he wanted, and if he had asked me to go to the beach with him it was obvious that he hadn’t a girlfriend. Staying close to him in a bathing suit was embarrassing and I had to force myself to avoid visible reactions in that department, no reaction for him instead. This fact made me think that all the castles in the air that I was doing on him did not make any sense. But, I do short, practically we went along going to the beach every day for two weeks, I did not know what to think but I had the impression that he cared. I never called him, he always called me, but in the end Luke knew that whatever his proposal was I would have said yes in any case. On August 1, I do remember it was a Wednesday, at the end of the day, while I was accompanying him home he said, “I have to tell you, I’m gay.” He added any question, I answered. “Me too.” He had a long and emphatic sigh of satisfaction, and then added: “I’m fine with you, just fine, but I’m not in love with you.” I said: “What a pity! I really would have liked to!” He asked me: “Do you want to come to the beach tomorrow?” I said: “Sure!” Then he changed the subject as if nothing had happened. The speech of August 1st was quite upsetting. That “I’m not in love with you” weighed a ton but staying with Luke was really good, we knew each other better now and I was fascinated, and then I had the impression that my presence for him, in some way, was important. We continued to go to the sea throughout August, he told me to be in love with a university colleague of his but that this guy had a girlfriend. Luke seemed dependent on this guy who did not even realize what was going through the Luke’s head, it was just terrible, he felt unlucky, he thought that no one would ever want to love him and said that he would spend all his life alone and he seemed convinced, sometimes he came in crying. He was sending to hell the university, was so dominated by emotional reactions that the rest ended up in nothing. We went on like that until the end of September, and then he told me he had felt sexual desires on me, that was not in love but needed pampering and that he thought I was the right person because he felt safe with me. I here started to get scared, I had never had sex with anyone (neither did he), first he attracted me, but that “I’m not in love with you” held me back a lot, I tried to tell him but he said he was just like that and that he would never deceive me and could not promise anything. In short, these discussions have been going on until January, and then he set aside the talk and took the initiative. I noticed that he was really sexually involved and had involved me too. Making love with Luke has been an experience absolutely incomparable to any other, it was a total melt. For a gay man, there is nothing more beautiful than to embrace a guy, kiss him and feel him deeply sexually involved. Its’ not something only physical, you can feel that there is a mutual reliance, no embarrassment and no script to play. You realize that you can somehow make the guy feel good and realize he is just like you that reacts the same way. So certainly I’ll never forget those moments, because they were exciting beyond imagination. It went on this way until September 2008, then he told me that he was falling in love with another guy (I’ll call Lorenzo); he told also he knew that I would have felt bad and he wanted still maintain a relationship with me because he loved me. I knew it was not a way of saying to liquidate me and tried to facilitate him in any way in order to avoid the discomfort of a break, and in fact there was no discomfort. We called each other less but continued to call. Sometimes he told me that he remembered when we made love and he would like to do it again, but now he had his boyfriend who would take it badly. I saw him all in all quite happy, and he had begun to study hard. The guy loved him really but perhaps, for him, was a bit too possessive. This went on for three years, and then it was over, ending up as the stories of Luke, which basically never end. Then he found another guy but it was a very short period, then another but in practice there was not even the beginning. Luke, talking to me, always told that if for him to be in couple had no sense with Lorenzo would never have had with anyone else because he loved Lorenzo, but for Lorenzo he had never had the sexual involvement he had felt for the straight guy that never looked at him. A year and a half so far Luke does not have a boyfriend, we talk quite often, we talk about the university but also about us, how we feel inside and we talk with the utmost sincerity, I see him well determined; he studies seriously and now being close to graduation spurs him even more. I think that to say that we’re just friends is an understatement, these are things that go beyond friendship, who knows, maybe it could take some time to make love again but not as a couple but as two people who want to well and need a special moment of intimacy. It is not a matter of sex, but it is a deep emotional need, because I think that we really love each other. I would say that if such a thing, that is making love, also would happen between Luke and Lorenzo I would not be upset at all. I think that many times we have mental structures from which we cannot escape. The gays do not have children and a couple almost like married couples is not good for us, if it is good by itself ok, otherwise the emotional life finds its ways. I do not feel frustrated but I would feel badly if I did not feel Luke’s love, spending hours and hours with him talking about his and my problems. These things are not at all stupid. Sex is a beautiful thing and thanks to Luke I realized it, but the idea of building emotional life of the gay couple can sometimes create more problems than anything else. There are many ways very real and very deep to love each other without being a couple. Of course there is the problem of prevention and it is true that the closed couple, if it is really closed, puts the risk to zero, but also sexual contact, can have a deep sentimental value also avoiding to involve risky behavior. The sweetness in living sex does exist even in things that are risk-free. I know that my story is not the usual story of a gay guy who finds his charming prince, but this way I feel realized and happy, because I know that Luke loves me and this apparently low-profile love will last forever!
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