Listen guys, I read this blog choosing posts randomly and I like it, I somehow find myself here, I’m 27 and do not know anything about gay life, as it is called today, that is, gay associations and gay clubs, and I have to add, I do not want to know anything, it is not a matter of principle, I think they are useful things but I don’t feel close to these things, if you’ll pardon the term, these things make me think even more that we, gay people, and I am proud to use the word gay, even now dream of social integration and maybe we’ll dream forever. A little time ago browsing internet I found a statement that struck me: “gays will be truly socially integrated when there will be no more gay bookstores or gay sections of bookstores, but gay books will be on display on the shelves along with all the other books.” I believe that we should not be ashamed of being gay, but that we should not even try to create a world apart, because if we act so it is obvious that others will consider us another planet. I do not want to dream too much, I just can tell you that I didn’t yet come out and probably never will, because honestly I’d have big problems, especially with my parents, even now at age 27, but things are this way and I cannot do anything, nevertheless I try to see the positive, browsing for blogs I’ve seen that there are serious gay blogs and more than a few. I think that many guys who try to write honestly about their lives without shame and without locking in a ghetto do important work for many others who now perhaps only read. Meanwhile, be aware that other gay guys really exist and they are not all fans of gay clubs is something that helps to grow. When I found out that I was gay, now more than 11 years ago, there was internet, I don’t come from the Stone Age, there were very few things for gay guys and it was almost only porn, on the one hand I was attracted but on the other I hated such things, I didn’t feel close to this kind of things. Then things changed, gay sites with traps for cash as dialers have declined dramatically, and I say thankfully, and we began to see a little gay erotic but not exactly the heavy porno, and we have also seen sites with gay stories not necessarily gay porn stories, erotic stories, yes, but already at an acceptable level and sometimes even artistic, but they were all in English. I read English quite well and I’ve read so many gay erotic stories, even beautiful, even artistic, with too much erotic emphasis to be true works of art, but in essence very nice things, but in Italian? I red only a few stories in Italian, almost all erotic stories. Then slowly grew the fever of blogs. But serious gay blogs in Italian were very rare, maybe the guys were afraid, I don’t know, in fact I also started a blog but I told friends and then I could not post gay content, I would have been able to open another blog but I was puzzled, I was afraid of being detected, I know, in fact I never started a gay blog. Now slowly the mentality of gay guys has changed, many gay blogs are not related to associations, are gay free blogs, are blogs of a personal nature and I like them very much because their authors are fully normal gay guys. Now, to make you realize the level of paranoia of a gay like me, think that a while ago I wanted to write “fully normal” gay guys, but with the quotation marks, which is a contradiction because there should be no emphasis to be done. First of all, gay people, before anyone else, should put in mind the idea of not being a ghetto. You might say, “But after all this talking where’s the story?” And you are right but I do not have a gay story to tell, at least in the usual sense of the term, I’m a gay without a story typically gay, running after a million fantasies, falling in unilateral love tens of times, taking crushes absolutely unilateral at least two or three times a month, but gay life in the sense of true gay love life with another guy … well, there’s nothing like this! I feel deeply affected by these things, call me stupid but I would have sex only if I was really in love with a guy, or I just put the idea aside. I read in many places that gay men just want sex … But for goodness sake! For me it has never been so, and now another thing against the tide: if I had to choose between a relationship based on sex with a guy whom I don’t really love, who even attracts me on a physical level but I don’t really love, and a serious friendship, maybe even with a straight guy, I would not doubt, I would prefer true friendship with a straight guy. This is not a generic way of saying because I have a straight friend that I love deeply, his name is John, he would never be in bed with me, or maybe in extreme circumstances he would, but would do it for me, not because he really wants, I honestly will not give up this friendship for anything in the world, I miss like a crazy a sexual relationship with John, but I want John, and if I can have John close to me only without sex, that’s okay. If you want to read, now I try to tell my story, as I said before, it is not a gay story in the true sense of the word, I don’t even know how to describe it. He’s a bit younger than me but not so much, he’s 24 years old. I met him by chance at a party and I fell in love right away, he danced with the girls, I obviously didn’t, but he noticed me, came close to me and introduced himself, we didn’t shake hands, then came the buffet and he brought some sandwiches for me and passed them to me on a plate. Passing the plate, perhaps inadvertently, but I’ll never know if that’s it, he touched my hand lightly, I felt an electric shock in 2000 volts, he noticed it and looked me in the eyes and understood everything, I did not say a word, I was in total embarrassment, he continued to look into my eyes and smiled at me. Every now and then during the feast our eyes met, I had the heart rate to a thousand, because I loved John, I could have sworn he was gay and I was in a tremendous turmoil. In the evening, when the party was about to end, he asked me a ride home and I said, here we go! We left and we stopped to talk a bit about this and that, but it was obvious that it would not end there, honestly at this point I expected a little sex. He told me: “Do you feel embarrassed?”, I replied: “Yes a little ‘” and he continued: “Well, if you tell someone that you’re in love with him, you tell him a beautiful thing” I said, “Then you understand?” and he answered: “Yes, but there is a problem, I cannot respond to your feelings the way you prefer because I’m not gay, but wait, I can love you seriously and I think I love you … what do you say about? It makes sense to you? “. In a way my world had collapsed, on the other hand I did not know what to say to such a proposal that I did not expect at all. John continued: “I’m in love with you, in another way, but I’m really in love with you, do not say no, please do not put me out just because I’m straight, I’m fine with you, I’m fine really.” I didn’t know what to do and I ended up just smiling and nodding. Now I do not want to dwell on things that I feel are of enormous value but maybe you can consider worthless things, in short, two years have passed since that afternoon and we met almost every night, we talked with each other opening ourselves to total, he told about girls he met and one girl in particular he was very interested in and I said to myself, that my fantasies, including sexual ones, are about John and his are about that girl but in the end fantasies are very similar, we look for the same things, there is an underlying sweetness in the way of being of John that enchants me, I think he’s really an happy guy and he deserves it and I’m happy because I was able to meet him. Sometimes when we drive we sing the Marseillaise and we are moved thinking of those who fight for freedom against tyranny. The first times I thought he was with me for moral duty, for pity’s sake, something like that, and then I tried to leave and he felt very badly and attacked me saying that I went around to deceive people and he needed me and that I did not understand anything and that I reasoned not as a gay but as a stupid, that I had in mind only four idiot patterns of behavior and then he started to cry. I felt the desperation inside me because I had hurt him so deeply, then I took his hand and he shook mine very strong. We were there for a quarter of an hour. He was crying more and more slowly, then turned to me and smiled, still with tears in his eyes and told me: “Do not you dare ever again!” and I told him: “John, I love you!”
If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/viewtopic.php?f=11&t=33
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