Hello Project,
Gladly send you the post that you asked me, basically I just changed previous mails a bit, but the essence is still the same. If you think it’s ok you can publish. I’d be delighted if it could help someone.
Mario
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Hello Project,
you cannot imagine how I feel embarrassed to write this mail, even though I know I owe you this mail, I’ve already tried several times to write but at the end I deleted everything, I could not absolutely send it to you, but this time I take my courage in both my hands and I do. My name is Mario and I turned 40 a few months ago. People who know me envy me. I have a great job that takes me up almost completely. I used to think that to have little time to think of myself was a fortune but now I’ve changed my mind. I am single and until recently I thought that I would be single for the rest of my life. I have a home that I began to pay more than 10 years ago. In theory, what you see, I should be happy. I try to look sure of myself because with the work I do it’s important but until recently, when I was alone were moments of total depression. But I try to explain why. I always thought to be straight or better to be nothing. Between 18 and 20 years old I had my first and only girlfriend. It seems superfluous and obvious to say that between us there has never been sex, but there has never been even love and now these things are far away. I’m always very gallant with the girls but I avoid any involvement in any way, and so happened before, at least from 30 years onwards. I had never thought of being gay and I haven’t even raised the issue. My erotic fantasies where always on the girls, but things were forced, at a conscious level at least, nevertheless I never felt gay repressed. For the guys I did not feel anything. I read your article on masturbation as a problem http://gayproject2.wordpress.com/2012/09/12/if-gay-masturbation-becomes-a-problem/ and there I found myself perfectly (I feel embarrassed to talk about these things). In practice for me masturbation was often a frustrating self-constraint and then I preferred to do it without thinking about anything as a kind of strictly physiological need my desire had nothing to do with. A few months ago I started to surf the internet to understand why masturbation was just a problem for me (Project, please understand that, 40 y. o., I’m in a titanic effort to go ahead and write these things) and I found that your article, but in the headline you were talking about “gay” masturbation, I was tempted to read it but then I thought: “But I’m not gay!” And I have not read. It may seem absurd, but I systematically avoided gay sites, all, of any kind. I was holding pretty much just working, I was in the office all day and sometimes even at night but I was starting to feel really badly, I was always nervous even if I had to be highly controlled. You can imagine how depressing it was for me to try to masturbate. It was then that I ended up back on your post about masturbation as a problem, I plucked up courage and I read it even though it was written for gay people. The more I read the more was the heartbeat, I was anxious to get to the end, and then I started surfing a little your gay project forum that is enormous (but how did you gather all the documentation?) I was reading and never getting tired of reading, reading those things even from the outside, but I continued to read and the fact that were gay things not rejected me. I was reading I was amazed as but positive. I wondered how could be falling in love with a boy? But I did not think it as a taboo. I have read a lot from blogs and forum, then I started to do some research about masturbation and I discovered that you mention it many times, and then I read the gay love stories and seemed fine. Then I thought I was reading an explicitly gay site but I kept reading and reading was extremely interesting, in practice I have been there all night, the more I went on the more I was intrigued. I had never read any site with the same interest. The next evening I continued. I thought “But how do these people talk about so intimate things with such ease? Then I read the posts of those who find themselves gay late and there my brain is set in motion at a different pace and I thought: what if it was? I was puzzled, I will not deny it, but it was still possible. Meanwhile, as the brain was on this hypothesis, I continued to read the blog but much less from the outside. I read the post about gay sexuality, about gay soft sexuality, and I explicitly said: “Well, should be nice!” I said to myself that making love with a guy like that would be nice! Before I never would have imagined, but I began to fantasize about those things and I did not feel fear or disgust, I figured just get a guy to my house, to hug him, then take him to the kitchen, cooking together, talking about everything, but knowing that we’re both gay, and then to see him smiling. I smiled at the thought of seeing a gay smiling while in my house. My world seemed upside down, I imagined stroking his hand slightly during dinner. Then I would sit on the couch and he would lay resting head on my lap and I could stroke his face. There is only one thing of which I am a bit ashamed, the boy I imagined was 20, maximum 25 y. o.. Who knows why, but I do not think I could fall in love with a man my age. Well, beautiful thoughts of great tenderness, I thought that if I had had an erection it would be a good thing but nothing happened, my sexuality would not be miraculously resurrected non even by my blessed gay fantasies I had just discovered I liked, because seemed so sweet to me. I thought, perhaps foolishly, that I would even accepted to be gay if my sexuality had awakened. But it did not happen and I thought it would still be another frustration. I came back very disappointed to read the site but it was already late and I went to bed and, contrary to all expectations, for the first time in my life I had an erotic dream, and a gay erotic dream. I dreamed I was in the war, perhaps Vietnam War, I do not know, I was alone and I was returning to the camp on foot from a dangerous mission. There are dead everywhere, I hear a moan, I approach, it’s a soldier who I don’t know, he cannot make it to speak but he is alive, I cannot leave him there, I must take him with me but I’m dead tired, at the end I take him in my arms and start to go toward our camp, but I’m really tired and I’m afraid that my heart bursts. I go along with the energy of despair, at some point I feel him inert, as if he was dead, just breathes, he has lost a lot of blood I’m in a terrible desperation, I start to cry and scream, a van to transport injured passes close to me, we climb up then we arrive at the camp. I begged that he would not die, a young guy, a little more than 20 y. o., the doctor sees him and says he is dead. I am sure that he’s not and I take the doctor by his neck and threaten him badly. The doctor is convinced and they try to revive him but do not allow me to follow them. I wait with anxiety. Half an hour later the doctor comes out and says “The guy has a thick skin; we’ll see how he will react in the coming hours.” The dream that, at the beginning, had all the appearance of the nightmare left me a glimmer of hope. Then everything changes, that guy is in the hospital, but he is conscious, I shake his hand to comfort him, he opens his eyes and says: “I’m afraid!” I shook his hand, then it is evening and the memory is very confused. Finally, he’s with me at my house, sitting on the couch, he’s fine, smiles, then I feel excited but I dare not say anything, just look at him for a moment in his eyes, he lights up and opens his arms. At that point I woke up with my heart beating and I was erect, but just as it should be, something quite unusual for me. You can imagine what I did; they were many years that I felt things that intensity, in fact I think I had never felt before. It seemed incredible. I was about to ask the doctor for viagra. I said: “My sexuality is not dead! I’m gay! And I realized that at 40! Luckily for me, my fears prevented me from making choices with no return as marriage.” I was totally shocked but happy. “Gay! Yes! No problem!” I repeated amazed because I didn’t even think it was a problem. I think I did the first huge step forward, at least I know who I am. Project, I have read far and wide the forum but it is just me having to understand many things. I have no illusions about anything … and I know that I woke up very late at 40 but at least I woke up. It seems paradoxical, but in recent days I have spent much less time at work and more time to do something that I could not do before. I am not ashamed, I’m sorry to be just arrived so late because I missed some important occasions. Now, reading the stories of the guys in the forum I realize I’m reading just like a man who knows exactly what it is. I’ve never been in love with a guy or should I say not yet, on the other hand three weeks are not yet elapsed since I realized who I am.
Project, a thank you, I had to.
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Hello Project,
You do not know how I had been waiting for a reply to my first email, I thought it would not come, but then it came and I loved the idea of sexuality as something normal (“the pathological is the taboo!” It’s true!). The chat last night was beautiful. Only a month ago I would never have imagined being able to speak freely about my sexuality at this point, in the end it is as you say, I realized that I lived imprisoned for 25 years because of the fear of ghosts. I feel an incredible sense of lightness and freedom. The project, as you call it, is unique and is a very important thing, for me has been really crucial. Do not give up! Got it! Sometimes, perhaps, you will get tired, but you can give a little peace of mind to many people, with me it happened.
A hug, Project! (I’ll call you next Friday, because I go out for work)
Mario
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If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/viewtopic.php?f=10&t=13
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