Dear Project,
I walked into an impossible situation and I want to get out of there, I say that I want but I cannot, that’s why I’m writing to you, because maybe other things like that can be happened and perhaps you can give me and advice and help me to get rid of all this. I tell you that I’m just unable to get out by myself. I’m 24, almost 25, I feel gay, I say I feel because I do not know if that’s the case, but the point is not this. Maybe it’s better I tell you things in order. I felt straight up to 22 y.o., again I say that I felt because I do not know if I really was, but from 18 on I had two girlfriends, although for me it was not the best, I was aware that it was not the best, but I didn’t yet think that I was gay. With the two girls I had as well sex, perhaps more out of curiosity but I liked it, that is that when it happened I was not uncomfortable but when it didn’t I was not missing it. I masturbated thinking about girls, there was nothing overwhelming but I felt normal and then the girls I mentioned had just fallen in love with me, I too, maybe, with them, but maybe not seriously. Up to 22, with the University things were going well, I passed my exams and with good grades, then at about 22/23, started the disaster. I’ll explain. I knew a guy who came to us for the first year graduate and we started studying together, and so I realized that I loved being with him. He is straight and don’t have the slightest doubt. I red what you think about falling in love with a straight guy and I understand but I could not get it out of my head, then he was very attentive to me and I think that “in his own way,” he loved me too. However, I was completely upset. I was aroused just thinking about this guy and then we saw each other every day, morning and afternoon to study. When we were together he was studying and I was thinking of him. Studying together lasted six months then he passed his exams and went on, I was not even present the day of the exams and basically I lost the first year of post-graduate, but this would still be a relative thing. Since I was in love with him I began to masturbate thinking about him, and it was something that I loved, all fancy but I felt satisfied, I realized that I was gay and it did not even create problems, if I had him close to me I was happy. When he left me alone to study because I didn’t pass the exams I felt really uncomfortable. I did not go to University not to see him because I knew that between us there could not be anything. My parents went to work and I sat alone at home to watch porn movies starting in a morning, when my parents leaved to the evening when they came back, I used to say to them that I went to the University but did not go. When the night they went to sleep I newly was on my computer to watch porn until three o’clock. When I was more able to manage myself I felt like an idiot to throw away my life like that, but then I could not tear myself away from porn, I had filled the computer of such things. There was no risk because my parents do not even know how to turn on a computer, but my whole life turned around porn and masturbation, which, among other things, now seemed to me a very stupid thing. I began to regret the time when I was straight and had maybe half a normal life. I can no more stand to go on this way. My friend will take the degree in November and I didin’t anything, I’ve only passed two exams and the most stupid. I must absolutely change my life. Among other things, I started to drink a little, not yet too much, and I have to stop before it becomes a problem, even if it still is not. Project I want the life of a gay guy, because it’s what I’m, but a normal life. When I was a hetero girls were looking for me because they tell me I’m a nice guy, but as a gay man I feel nearly the total vacuum. Nobody knows that I’m gay, but being gay is unnerving, if you fall in love with a guy most likely he is straight and you cannot even tell him and then you must have an iron will otherwise you end up on porn like me. I want to be a normal gay, to have a boyfriend who loves me, but this turns out to be difficult and then I start to have the nightmare that I’m going on with my age and also that I could fall into depression. So far I don’t seem to be depressed but if I go on like this the risk is there. I have almost an obsessive fear of not being able to get out and throwing away all my life. You can imagine how I surfed gay sites on the internet and of course I ended up several times on gay project, always avoiding it because there are no pictures and stuff like that then I came across a forum post, a 32 year-old dependent on pornography. For him, things are different, but the obsession with pornography, in fact, is similar. I’m a very private guy and for me telling someone certain things is embarrassing but I can’t do anything more to move forward. University is about to start and I do not want to throw away the third year in a row. I need someone to give me a little desire to start over and tell me that for someone like me there may be a future of normality. You say that for a gay there may be an opportunity to live as he wishes, are you sure? You say it in every way but I see in front of me like a wall of impossibility. I know that I must return to a normal life, it’s almost a week that I force myself not to see more porn and not to drink but then it seems to me a big shit and I’m afraid that everything could resume as before. Answer me in private if you want.
Matthew
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If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/viewtopic.php?f=16&t=43
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